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Mental Wellness

my chaotic anxiety

Dear Reader,

Welcome to my first Journal entry, if you don’t know who I am, allow me to quickly introduce myself. My name is Nataly Feliciano, I am a 19 year old Latinx 2nd generation college student with more anxiety than a German Shepherd who was separated from their owner for more than two seconds.

It starts off with a panic, kind of like a tight feeling in my chest or a bad headache. Then most of the time the bad headache comes into play and transforms into overwhelmingness. I start to feel almost out of breath and like the whole world just feel on my shoulders; like I’m ask to cary a huge cross on my back. Then before you know it before I try to calm myself down, I start shaking or straight up crying and I can’t control it. I’m a grown woman crying like a baby yet everyone around me tells me the same things: “Calm down” “Stop crying” “Nataly, stop.”

Then I get frantic and I end up looking crazy and I feel like the burden. When in reality, I’m dealing with so many things at once that I feel like the walls are craving in from every side, every angle. With no space to breath. The worse part about this kind of anxiety I experience is that mine feels unvalued to the rest of the world; first, I’m either being too dramatic or best yet, too sensitive. I need to grow up or “acknowledge my blessings” that yes, I am always aware of but in the moment I’m always aware of the negatives too; and those same negatives are the ones that kill me.

They are the ones that I can ruin my mindset so quickly with overthinking thoughts that scare me but I can’t express to anyone else without it being constantly gaslighted. But does that stop me from Veiling everyone else’s? Of course not, and I never will. Every time someone I care for is in a crisis or something related, I listen, give them advice and I’m patient yet, not once do I gaslight or downplay how they feel. I jump to save many that have come to me for help and it’s not having a victim mentality rather it’s me venting my frustrations that when I experience these waves of negativity it is always looked over rather than taken cared of. I’m tired, I’m always overwhelmed and I just ask that someone see me and hear me out, hold my hand and tell me everything is gonna be okay.

Sometimes I have a strong suit, I feel inspired, I feel like I can push myself and conquer the world. Other days I don’t want to get out of bed (maybe not because of the depression) but because I know how mean the world is going to be today. I know how many weights are going to be put on my shoulders without question. I know, how many overthinking thoughts I am going to have. But even if these negative expectations, I still have faith. Faith in myself, faith in the universe somehow. I’m sure of that, as I am a girl with anxiety, I’m just trying.

Sincerely, Nataly

Comment
by Natipr22

Hi! My name is Nataly Feliciano-Soto (Nataly Feliciano is my legal name), I am a 19 year old Latinx (Puerto Rican) American from Richmond, Virginia. I have a dream to one day be one of the biggest contributors to the rise of brutal yet essential and beautiful wave of Latinx representation and newly propounded towards told through the eyes of Latinx characters. It is my mission to give the little Puerto Rican girl who grew up in a small predominantly Caucasian town outside of Richmond, Virginia represnation in all different shapes and forms as much as possible. I want young Latinx girl like me to see themselves as wizards, superheroes, anti-heroes, queens or even the CEO of their own company. Which is why I am currently working on my bachelor's in cinema to make my dreams happen. But until I can work my way up; I have self published the first of my stories: Twin magic (available on amazon), released by first short film: Vailente (available on YouTube) and want to continue to get my foot in the door as much as I can! So welcome to my page where I will reflect on my journey, personal struggles and other topics I find fun :)

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