Welcome to my first Journal entry, if you don’t know who I am, allow me to quickly introduce myself. My name is Nataly Feliciano, I am a 19 year old Latinx 2nd generation college student with more anxiety than a German Shepherd who was separated from their owner for more than two seconds.
It starts off with a panic, kind of like a tight feeling in my chest or a bad headache. Then most of the time the bad headache comes into play and transforms into overwhelmingness. I start to feel almost out of breath and like the whole world just feel on my shoulders; like I’m ask to cary a huge cross on my back. Then before you know it before I try to calm myself down, I start shaking or straight up crying and I can’t control it. I’m a grown woman crying like a baby yet everyone around me tells me the same things: “Calm down” “Stop crying” “Nataly, stop.”
Then I get frantic and I end up looking crazy and I feel like the burden. When in reality, I’m dealing with so many things at once that I feel like the walls are craving in from every side, every angle. With no space to breath. The worse part about this kind of anxiety I experience is that mine feels unvalued to the rest of the world; first, I’m either being too dramatic or best yet, too sensitive. I need to grow up or “acknowledge my blessings” that yes, I am always aware of but in the moment I’m always aware of the negatives too; and those same negatives are the ones that kill me.
They are the ones that I can ruin my mindset so quickly with overthinking thoughts that scare me but I can’t express to anyone else without it being constantly gaslighted. But does that stop me from Veiling everyone else’s? Of course not, and I never will. Every time someone I care for is in a crisis or something related, I listen, give them advice and I’m patient yet, not once do I gaslight or downplay how they feel. I jump to save many that have come to me for help and it’s not having a victim mentality rather it’s me venting my frustrations that when I experience these waves of negativity it is always looked over rather than taken cared of. I’m tired, I’m always overwhelmed and I just ask that someone see me and hear me out, hold my hand and tell me everything is gonna be okay.
Sometimes I have a strong suit, I feel inspired, I feel like I can push myself and conquer the world. Other days I don’t want to get out of bed (maybe not because of the depression) but because I know how mean the world is going to be today. I know how many weights are going to be put on my shoulders without question. I know, how many overthinking thoughts I am going to have. But even if these negative expectations, I still have faith. Faith in myself, faith in the universe somehow. I’m sure of that, as I am a girl with anxiety, I’m just trying.