Written, Never Spoken

Numb They wait expectantly Eyes peering at me I feel them staring Sharp and deep Waiting As my mind tries to reboot Blank What do they want? They wait for me to say What should I say? What’s the answer What can I say

To make them stop Script It’s like everyone knows Like there’s a cheat code A user manual That I didn’t get The whole world in sync And I can’t even hear the rhythm Much less follow it

Sharp They’re still waiting Why? What do they want? I don’t have anything to add Nothing new to say My face burns Why can’t they just look away? White noise Words come out I don’t hear what I say Half of it repetition Half bluster

A spectrum of options

A garbled mess Just desperate for them to move on Half moons Cut into the back of my hands Palms sweaty Lip chewed My eyes dart from one face to another Relief, overwhelming

As they look away Disappointment. I’ve blown my chance Frustration. Why must I be like this? Every time Without fail I fail Anger. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just Be Normal Tears They come later Locked behind the safety Of the ladies stall Too loud.

Too pungent. Too much.

Not enough. Drowning Every time, without fail When they ask me to speak When it’s my turn to stand When the conversation turns And words should be simple It feels like I have Nothing to say Nothing of value Nothing to add I choke on my words Why can’t they understand? I’m not one for speaking


No problem. Give me the time The space To breathe To unravel To reboot the blank screen My mind becomes And I will unveil A glimpse Into the process The over-thinking The worry Overwhelming anxiety Carefully thought-out arguments And counters And counter-counters The logic and conclusions The fantastical The funny The mundane The everyday and the other-day The worthwhile And the not Space Why can’t they understand? We don’t all work well in the real world. Release Comfort Understanding For some of us It can only be found In words Written, Never spoken.

Author: Bonnie Evie Gifford Email: bg_gifford@hotmail.com Author Bio: Bonnie is a writer and blogger from the not so sunny south coast of England. With bylines in Happiful, Counselling Directory, Therapy Directory, and Lifecoach Directory, Bonnie can be found writing about mental health, wellbeing, autism, and culture. When not writing, she can be found partially buried under a stack of books, hiding from the outside world. Link to social media: Twitter @begifford

by Bonnie Evie Gifford

Mental health writer and blogger from the not-so-sunny south coast of England. When not writing for Happiful, Harness, Fearlessly, Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, and Therapy Directory, I can be found lurking on Twitter, binge-reading manga, and turning people who annoy me into characters in my next piece of creative work.


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