The Taste of a Memory

Spearmint gum
reminds me of my grandmother who always kept a pack in her small jewelry box.
She had Elvis decor and a fuzzy red couch
and made me strawberry milk in coffee mugs.

Creamsicle ice cream
reminds me of her living room.
The walls were a rich brown wood
and I can still hear the tingling static coming from the TV.

Fruit Chews
remind me of my other grandmother
and her never-empty candy jar.
Flowers and gardens polka-dotted her yard.

Strawberry preserves
remind me of her warm kitchen.
She made hers from scratch
and Brutus, the lucky dog, got all the breakfast scraps.

You’ve been in a roller coaster ride of emotions.  You’ve danced through the incessant swing of letting go and holding on.  You feel exhausted from the relationship but isn’t just ready to throw in the towel and I say I had enough.  You are still in love – truly, madly, deeply – but you feel that your love tank is slowly draining.  Your heart has been running on an almost empty tank from giving and giving without receiving anything back in return.  You are aware that in any successful, fulfilling and meaningful relationships it is not about giving and taking but in giving and giving with both parties doing it…filling each other’s love tank willingly, enthusiastically.  You find that, at this time, you are the only one giving.

Your heart is tired, drained, exhausted, and yet you still want to go on, to hold on to anything that can give you hope that everything will work out just fine in the end.  You feel compelled to hold on because you love him and somehow you are hoping he will come around from giving you the silent treatment.   Somehow you still believe that your love will be enough to get you through and turn things around.  You still hope that his passion for you will return if you are just patient enough to wait. “Give him just a little more time and he will be the person that he once was,” you tell yourself.

But that person has long been gone…and you are left on your own.  He may still be physically present with you, but his passion for you has slowly been diminished, if not altogether extinguished.

“You still love him,” you can hear your heart saying.

“Let him go and move on.  Don’t hold on anymore to something that is no longer there,” your mind says.

“Easier said than done,” you reply.

At this point, you know that it is better not to follow your heart and instead heed the wisdom of your mind…that sometimes it is better to stick with what you know is the right thing to do than to follow your heart.

You feel conflicted…torn apart by what you feel and what you think is right.  You cry yourself at night hoping that tears would ease your pain away,  hoping that in the morning everything will be back to what it was.  Yet you wake up drained and exhausted and still feeling empty and disconnected.

However, today, you decided to do something.

Today, you decided to walk away from all the drama that is slowly unfolding in your life.

You realized you had enough.  Enough of the silent treatment.   Enough of the alibis, lies and excuses.   Enough of being ignored and neglected.  Enough of  the feeling that it is your fault.

You had given him the power that made you feel you are not good enough.

Today you are taking your power back.  You tell yourself you are good enough.  Not too much , too intense,  too  empathetic, too obsessive, too emotional.

Today you remind yourself that you love him, but you are letting him go.

You are letting him go because you realized you are not the one who can give the love that he needs, that you just cannot force him to stay.

You are letting him go because you are creating a space in your life for love to grow back for yourself and a space for those who are capable of loving you as much as you love them.

You are letting him go because you finally realized your worth that you deserve better.

You love him still, but you realized that you need to love yourself first in order for you to love others well, and letting him go is good for your well-being and it is not being selfish.  It is called self-care.

You love him, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Little king,

attempting to bear

the Strength of God.

Foolishly unaware

of the courage and will

one must have

to wield this power.

Little king,

you know not of what you ask.

You will concede

when you realize

the immense responsibility of this gift,

for God’s Strength

is not for the weak.

I have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember.

Anxiety has affected my decision-making and stalled any unknown ventures, but it’s primarily influenced my relationships with people.

While I was a social child, I became incredibly introverted when my family uprooted from my hometown, a suburb north of Chicago, to a small town in south Texas. It was a culture shock, but I was also entering middle school with kids who had known each other since kindergarten, and I had too much social anxiety to put myself out there.

Let’s be honest, preteens can be mean.

Because of that rather disheartening fact, I found friendships within the pages of books. I spent time before class and during lunch, if I could sneak away, in the school library. It should be no surprise that I met my first book boyfriend there because there was no way I would approach a real boy. But spending time in the library, I met other people like me and through these friendships, I discovered my love of writing.

When I was in high school, depression surfaced. I struggled with my self-image, my identity, and my body. I was a late bloomer and couldn’t mask my lack of assets with fashionable clothes, my parents couldn’t afford for me to keep up with the latest trends and I selfishly struggled with that too. I tried so hard to fit in and when that was threatened, I became a person I’m not proud of remembering.

For example, when I was a freshman in high school, I attended a campus with all other freshmen. My town was weird and divided the freshman and the rest of the classes. The summer leading to, my friends at the time had become interested in boys in their neighborhood – I lived outside of city limits and wasn’t within proximity to walk to a friend’s houses and coming from a Mexican household, I had to save up privileges like sleepovers for really important, high-gossip nights.

So when we started school, our trio became a quintet which included my two friend’s crushes, with me being the fifth-wheel. However, one of those crushes became my friend and then my crush, and then my boyfriend.

My boyfriend of less than 24 hours.

You see, he asked me to be his girlfriend before school, and by fifth period English, everyone knew. And I was embarrassed. Embarrassed because everyone knew him and loved him. He was known as his nickname of Jesus. He was tall and had long hair. He was going through that metal head phase of black skinny jeans, ripped band tees, long hair, and chain accessories. He was a skater boy too and my Avril Lavigne obsessed-self loved that. Despite what some people would assume he was projecting with his outward appearance, he was a genuinely nice guy. Not a mean bone in his body. Our classmates loved their “Jesus,” and they had no idea who I was. But when they did, my anxiety made me believe that they were judging me – finding me less than suitable.

And worst of all, my two best friends dropped me.

He tried to kiss me after school, which would have been my first kiss at fourteen, but my mother was watching from the car, so I panicked and ran for it. The next day, I ignored him. And that went on for days. I was too scared to share how I was feeling, what I was thinking. That despite really liking him, because I did, I couldn’t handle so many people paying attention to me when I was so insecure with myself. And I didn’t know how to tell him that the two people I thought were my friends and would support me, were angry with me because of there was an “us.” He didn’t deserve how I treated him without using honest words, and I’m still apologetic for my actions.

Shortly after that, my depression took a nosedive. I was one of those teenagers who hated high school. Being surrounded by so much energy, both negative and positive was incredibly overwhelming. This was prior to me knowing clinically about my mental health issues; I sadly wouldn’t know for many years to come.

I am an empath and a people pleaser, a destructive combination for an adult but a volatile one for a teenager. I began associating with people who were participating in questionable activities, people who had similar issues but self-medicated, who were angry with the unfairness of our circumstances and took it out on other people.

I was pulled out of public school soon after.

The summer when I started college, I met the person who changed everything for me - for better or for worse, I’m still figuring that out.

On paper, he was perfect. Especially for a hopeless romantic, who still harbored illusions of a prince sweeping me off my feet. In all those years, I had never considered a guy like him would set his sights on a girl like me, but it was my brain that attracted him the most.

Or so I thought.

He did love how I was an intellectual, he to this day remains the smartest person I know, but it was my lack of emotional intelligence that he most liked.

My family is not one to talk about feelings, I didn’t grow up hearing “I love you” regularly and we weren’t very physically affectionate with one another. Love existed but we didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk about a lot of things.

And my ex took advantage of this.

I was so starved for affection, someone to care and listen to me, someone who was proud of me, that I didn’t notice how he used this to manipulate me into becoming the type of partner he wanted for himself. How he isolated me from friends and family, how he disregarded my dreams in favor of his own ideas for the future, and how he knew that because I believed no one could understand me like he could, I would keep coming back to him even when I tried to leave.

I didn’t notice this for years, and when I did, it was the same old song and dance we did for many more.

We had a toxic relationship, but I was attached to him regardless.

And it sucked to come to terms with that.

The finality of “us,” the end of our future, was the beginning of me deciding who I wanted to be as a person in society, but also as someone seeking a potential partner to accept me as just me. The me who is a little defective, who is hard to love and is still learning to navigate through her emotions and mental illness. Above all, I would not accept being manipulated or controlled again.

It’s been an interesting road to travel and along the way, I have learned and unlearned some bad habits thanks to recognizing how to live with my mental illnesses. Like recognizing when I attach myself to people, not who I want to fix, but who I want to need me. Or expending energy on people who I know are temporary because I want to save myself the emotional baggage but have the physical benefits. Or considering very mundane aspects of relationships too boring and selfishly moving on, regardless of the feelings of others.

I am not a perfect person, I sometimes still find myself in this recurring pattern of things, but I’m trying. I am getting better at accepting who someone wholly is and not just the parts I want to see while avoiding the traits I don’t. Despite my anxiety and OCD, being transparent about my own needs and feelings has gotten better each time - in relationships and friendships.

I know there are other people who struggle with intrusive thoughts, who suffer daily from anxiety and depression, and who live with OCD. I am not an expert on mental illnesses or a therapist to advise you on how to live with them. But I do know what it’s like to have self-doubts and feelings of unworthiness, to be unable to accept love from others without feeling like you have to earn it, to compare yourself to others and find yourself inadequate or undeserving.

And now I also know what it’s like to be loved with no conditions, to be accepted through all the hard times and for all the good ones. I’ve experienced the beauty of healthy communication with people who listen and value what I have to say, and who take my needs seriously and trust me with theirs.

Depression and anxiety can be lonely because oftentimes we live in our own heads, and someone who cares can tell you over and over again that they will be there to listen and that they care about you, but it’s one thing to hear it and it’s another to believe it.

Believing it begins with believing in yourself, in your own capabilities, and in your own strengths. Believing in this but also believing that you can live with mental illness and that it’s okay to have really down days. I have a published article about doing things scared, and this is another example.

We all hold space on this Earth and we are meant to. We are meant to breathe, to laugh, to love, to be loved, to be hurt, to be confused, to be discontent, and to be scared.

And I’m not talking about scary occurrences or circumstances, not scary in the way that harms you. I’m talking about scary situations that make you uncomfortable because of the topic of conversation, the feelings that overwhelm you, and idea of doing something you’ve never done before. And when you find the tools to help you fight back those intrusive thoughts, when you find the actions that relieve depressive thoughts, or when you let the anxiety settle in the pit of your stomach and still do it scared, this is how it becomes easier in relationships and friendships.

And you know what else is terrifying? Loving yourself.

You become more resolute in your self-worth when you fall in love with yourself. You begin to see more clearly the negative behaviors in people and how they utilize them against you, and letting those people go is scary too.

You can communicate better with other people, especially those who know how to communicate in return, and hearing hard truths that undoubtably hurt your feelings is also scary.

You may even come to realize the importance of empathy, which means listening with the intent of listening and accepting the fact there will be an influx of emotions on behalf of others’ and it can be scary to control the unexpected.

And all this, this entire internal package that we carry will make relationships and friendships harder than they can already be. But it doesn’t make them impossible. Just like it’s not impossible to love yourself.

Best advice on how to do that?

What you expect from other people, whether in a relationship or in a friendship, do for yourself. Be the one who gets to love you, through anxiety, depression, and any other mental illness that surfaces over time. Do it like you are your own business and the only way to keep it thriving is by working twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for the lifestyle you want. A business where you are more selective with who works with you to help the business grow.

Do that, and anyone or anything else just becomes a bonus.

One day, you’ll wake up no longer debating with yourself whether to stay in bed or go back to sleep. You’ll find how wonderful it feels to be alive and to face the new day. Your heart will swell with gratitude and no longer look for the things or people that aren’t in your life anymore. You’ll learn to appreciate what you have realizing that everything you possibly need at this moment is here.

One day, you will no longer feel out of sorts. You won’t need to figure everything out but accept what is and be okay with it.

One day, you won't feel so tired of trying to fit in. You’ll feel safe and happy where you are, no longer questioning whether you belong. Being yourself is the safest and happiest you’ll ever be, and you'll feel okay to be different. You’ll be comfortable with your own skin, accepting that your flaws and imperfections are the things that make you unique. It makes you, you.

One day, you will no longer worry if people like you or not. You will not be afraid of your own light. You will finally find your sparkle and continue to fuel it so that you won't go out. You’ll shine just the way you are, unique and beautiful like a star in the night sky. You’re not threatened of other people’s light, and you'll be strong enough not to let the world dull your sparkle.

One day, you wont be afraid of the darkness. Instead, you’ll embrace it because when it is darkest that your light shines the brightest. The darkness will no longer be your enemy or something that you avoid at all costs. You'll learn to accept it as an opportunity to let your light shine through.

One day, you will understand the beauty of solitude. You will know the difference between being alone and being lonely. You wont be afraid to be alone because by then you’ll learn to love your own company and you won't need anyone to feel happy. You’ll enjoy being in the company of others and still feel okay by yourself.

One day, you no longer feel incomplete. Somehow, you know that even if your heart gets broken, you know you are complete, that you are whole. You no longer fill the holes with temporary fillers but fill all the cracks and creases with love. You would have filled yourself with so much love that it would not only make yourself whole again, but you’d be filled to the brim with so much love that you find it necessary to share that love and not be afraid of ever running out. You will no longer look for someone to complete you because you already are and instead welcome the one who will be able to complement you.

One day, you won't be afraid of being hurt again. You’ll learn to deeply and completely love and accept yourself, beauty and imperfections. You know how to love yourself without being selfish and not feeling guilty of taking care of yourself first. You’ll understand that in order to be able to love other people you have to learn to love yourself first. You’ll understand that taking care of yourself and well-being is important and healthy.

One day, all these things will come true. You'll become the person you were meant to be, and if right now you are in the verge of giving up, pause and look how far you've come. Don't throw away everything that you put so much effort into to try achieve or accomplish and to come this far. Look at yourself as a work in progress. Don't give up dear one. Rest if you must, then move on. Move forward. And never stop until one day everything that you worked for and hoped for and dreamed about will finally come true.

One day, everything will fall into place.

Don't lose hope. Don't give up. Live life one day at a time.

Be confident that the day you've been waiting for will finally come...one day.

 

When I'm feeling blue

All I have to do

Is take a look at you

Then, I'm not so blue

- From the song A Groovy Kind of Love by Phil Collins

"When the dog bites

When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad"

-My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music

All of us feel blue sometimes.  Most of the time for some people.  Even happy people feel sad too.  Some people just stay in that feeling longer than others.  Other people just can't stand being unhappy that they get over it so quickly.

So, what do you do when you're feeling sad? Do you indulge your melancholic state or you do something quick to get out of it and get it over with?  Don't we want to be happy all the time? I'm sure we all do.

I'm one of those people who feels blue, not once in a "blue moon," but quite often than most people do, and I don't like the feeling.

Here are few of the things that I do to beat the blues away.

1.  Think of happy thoughts.  I am sure all of us have happy memories. Sometimes, they are just locked away in our thoughts.  The perfect time to conjure up images of our happy childhood or whatever happy memories we have hidden in our thoughts is when we feel sad and blue.  This really works well for me.

2. Read funny stories or jokes.  I easily laugh at a joke even if I'm on the verge of tears. This might work for you too.

3. Get active.  Do yoga. Dance, swim, run.  When we are active, our bodies produce endorphins, the happy hormones.  Try to observe yourself after exercising. Does it make you feel good?

4.  Be creative.  Write a poem.  Update your blog.  Invent something useful.  Paint.  Draw.

5.  Be with people you love.  Surround yourself with people that help you lift your spirits. Avoid the negative ones. When I feel sad, I'd like to be with my sister or with my nephews and nieces. My nephews and nieces are so adorable that I would forget I was sad even for a while.  I noticed that when I play with a child or even look at a child, I can't help myself but smile.

6.  Eat chocolates...the darker, the better.  Cocoa is a potent source of serotonin, dopamine, and phenylethylamine, the neurotransmitters that alleviate depression and are associated with feelings of well-being. When you're blue, indulge your chocolate craving!

7. Smile.  Smiling has the power to put you in a good mood.

Life is too short to be sad or unhappy.  Remember to live one moment at a time.

I am sure there are other ways that help beat your blues away in one way or another.  What works well for you?

Please share!