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Relationships

Even If I Fall For You, I Will Be Okay On My Own

I want to be happy on my own. I want to have the kind of happiness that can’t be lost with heartbreak. I want to have the kind of happiness that doesn’t disappear in the blink of an eye when someone lets me down or gives up on me – or when someone who lets my heart slide through their fingers, not realizing its fragility . I want my heart to be completely full, even when it is not intertwined with another heart.

I want to be self-sufficient in my joy and in my peace. I don’t want to depend on someone else to ignite the spark within me – or to be my sole source of heat. I want to see the world in beautiful colors, filled with hope and excitement, even when I am all alone. I want the courage to see the world with rose-colored glasses, even when no one is holding my heart –  even when no one sees me as their brightest star in the sky. Because I want to be iridescent on my own. I want to give off light even if no-one is looking.

And if I do lose love, I don’t want my world to fall apart. I don’t want my everything to come tumbling down around me as if they were all I had, as if they were all I lived for. I know I will be sad and I know I will mourn their loss, but I want to know that I will be okay. I want to know that I will not succumb to darkness or loneliness. I want to ensure that I have everything within me to make it through the storm.

Don’t get me wrong – I want to be in love again. But I don’t want to live for this love. You see, I want to be love. I want to be full of so much love that I know hat I can and will always bounce back from heartbreak. I wan’t to be able to trust that I will not sink deep down into the darkness if I get rejected or hurt. I want to know that I won’t feel empty, if someone walks away. I want to know that I won’t mistake who I am for how someone else feels about me. I want to be my own candle – and hope that someone else will only bring more color  and spark to my flame.

I want to be okay without anyone else holding my heart. I want to cradle my heart in my own two hands so that no one else has the power to drop it.

If I find someone beautiful to let into my world, I will allow them to help me hold my heart. I will let them help me to lift it higher. I will let them fall head over heels in love with my heart. But I won’t give them permission to drop it. I won’t give them the power to break me or to bring me down. I won’t give them permission to diminish all of the love I still have to give.

Because deep down I know that I am complete. I am happy. I am good, all on my own. And I forever want to have this very happiness that shines from inside of me. I forever want to radiate the kind of happiness that can’t be destroyed by heartbreak or by heartache. I never again want to fall to the ground, or fall into a depression, if someone else decides that I’m not the person for them. I never want to feel like I’m not enough simply because I’m not right for someone else. Because I know that I’m enough…I know that I’m enough for me. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to dance to my favorite song all on my own.

So if you choose to dance with me, or if you choose to love me, I can promise you that I will love you right back. I will share my heart with you. I will share my happiness. I will share myself. I will just have to remember that you will be adding to all of the love I already have inside of me, rather than replacing it. You may lift me up, but only I will have a say in if I fall.

Together, we can ignite a fire. Together we can be enchanting. We can lift each other up. We can support each other every single day. We can complete each other’s sentences. We can fall head over heels for each other.

But I will know, deep down, that I can still be a beautiful, burning flame, all on my own. I will know deep down that I can be happy, all by myself. I will know, deep down, that I am okay, even if I don’t have you.

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by colleenelizabethgeorge

I live in the D.C. area with my maltipoo. love my job supporting neurodiverse people, and enjoyed studying developmental disabilities in grad school. I write about joy, loss, mental health, love, & chronic illness. My greatest hope is that my words can bring even just a tiny bit of extra light , hope, or connection into the world. My book Gracefully Ill is available on Amazon! (see Linktree below for link!)


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