For far too long I have struggled with how I feel and what to do about it. I owe it to myself to heal, to let go of the guilt that I shouldn’t be carrying, and moving on from false hopes.
All I wanted to do for the last 11 years was forgive you. Find a way to move on, forget the things that happened, and love you. But the truth of the matter is I can’t move on with you still in my life. It’s no longer healthy to forgive you for things you aren’t sorry for. It’s no longer okay to spend my time, energy, and all the hope left in my heart believing that one day it won’t hurt to think of you.
I shouldn’t have to explain myself. We have gone through too many therapy sessions and talks for you to still to be completely ignorant to, and unapologetic about your actions and words. I’m not sure if you’ve willingly denied these things or if you genuinely blocked them our of your memory and don’t believe they happened. I don’t know which is worse. But no matter, I can’t keep falling victim to your negativity, insecurity, and anger. I can’t continue witnessing the selfishness and narcissism that you spread. You feed off of the power you believe you have over people, but you are weak for it.
I don’t feel sorry for you. No matter how many times you begged me to. You have been the same person my entire life and I never wanted to believe it. I prayed and cried and tried to believe that you weren’t the exact things that you have shown me. I’ve spent so long pushing away my own hurt and holding out for a single apology, a single sign of acknowledgment for how I felt at your expense.
I realized recently that my happiness had been in a bubble. I kept it small and as far away from you as I could, hoping you wouldn’t taint it. But it is truly and simply not okay to keep doing that. To keep me small so you can be big. I’ve let you rule over my life and I won’t let you anymore. So I’m finding my happiness, I’m finding myself, and I’m finding love without you in my life. I’m putting you in a bubble and to the side.