Sex + Relationships

I want a man to support me

I want a man to support me.  I’m tired of being the sole supporter.  I’m not talking about money.  I’m talking about emotional support.  I’m talking about encouraging, listening without interrupting.  I’m talking about being thoughtful.

I had a tarot card reading yesterday, and the tarot reader accurately assessed a man from my past who wants to come back into my life.  After the reading, we talked over our Zoom session, and I said if I let this man back into my life, I had to be brutally honest about what I need.

I told her some of my needs included at least one text every day, a few phone calls a week, and no other women besides me.  The tarot reader said asking for those things was nothing brutal at all but was the very least of what I should expect from someone.

I nearly cried because saying those very low expectations out loud made me feel very sad for myself.  No little girl should grow up to believe it’s a miracle to accept the lowest level of treatment.

I have dated some “nice” men who said everything I wanted to hear in order to keep me around long enough to politely listen to them talk about themselves for hours and hours on end.

The man who most recently reached out was like Vaseline in my hair.  Once I got him in, he was nearly impossible to wash off myself. Eventually, I had to erase him from my contacts, but he didn’t erase me from his.

After months of no contact, he contacted me. His pattern is a flurry of messages and calls, and once I’m back, he’ll contact me so seldomly that I don’t know if we are even together.  He and I have been through this before.

We are not back together, but having him reach out to me has made me think about what I want and what I deserve.  When I was married, my ex-husband often didn’t buy me gifts on Christmas or my birthday because he said he forgot.  I guess Christmas decorations coming out the day after Halloween wasn’t enough to make him remember that Christmas was approaching.

One of the reasons that I’m still single is that I haven’t been so forthcoming is asking a man for what I really want, and when he doesn’t do the things I would really like, I just leave.

Instead of being a pirate who makes men walk the plank and drop out of my life for not meeting my expectations, I have decided to get really clear and be brave enough to ask for what I want and expect.

I want a man to give me the level of support I give him.  When I listen to men, or anyone for that matter, I don’t interrupt.  When whoever I’m listening to is done talking, I ask them to follow up questions about whatever they were talking about.  I don’t judge or criticize, and I don’t turn the conversation back to myself.

Also, I expect to be encouraged about my goals.  Not laughed at.  I expect to be taken seriously.  I’m a yoga teacher.  Years ago, when I told people I was going to become a yoga teacher, some people didn’t believe me and discouraged me.  There will always be people who don’t believe in me, but I expect the man I’m with to be on my side. I don’t think this is too much to ask.

I also want presents at Christmas and on my birthday.  I also don’t care if nobody else gets me a present.  But I need to know that the man I’m with has at least thought about me when he wasn’t physically in my presence enough to purchase something he thought I’d like.

Of course, the other basics of honesty, good hygiene, decent morals, no addictions, kindness to children and animals also apply.

One of the reasons I have been hesitant to ask for things from a man is because I have in the past asked for really basic things, and the men I asked those things of, said no.  Either with words or with actions.

But if I don’t ask for what I want, I most certainly won’t get it.  If I do ask for what I want, then I actually have a chance of getting it. I can’t let the disappointments from my past determine my future.


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by Jenkf

I'm a poet and yoga teacher living in Montana on the Flathead Reservation. By far, my greatest gift is being able to always be myself. In my 40's, I decided to become a yoga teacher and learn how to salsa dance. I also ran my first half marathon. Life is filled with adventures waiting to happen.


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