No sex, no flirty texts, no hugs, and no rubs. For one year and six months, this has been my life. The first year was the hardest, I must say, and I found myself continually ruminating on the lack of affection I was receiving. I would often refer to it as “involuntary” singleness or celibacy because I wanted both but couldn’t receive either in the way I wanted and would find sufficient. Around the one year and four-month mark, I decided to control the narrative and change the way I looked at my life journey.
The first thing I did to change my perspective was to look at the positives of this solitude period. I have had one year and six months to learn myself, to love myself. Every day, instead of looking at what I lacked, I could have used those moments to love myself a little bit harder that day. Look within and work through the shadow parts of myself. This is not to say that you won’t feel lonely if you do these things because it is more than natural to desire a companion. However, I am saying that moving forward, I will use this time to give myself the love I craved from someone else.
I learned that I could not control everything. As a person that enjoys control and certainty, I was shocked when my efforts did not yield my desired outcome. I was always under the impression that A plus B equals C. So if I do this, then I should expect this outcome in return, but relationships aren’t a reward for deep thought and self-reflection. I was and am still learning how to be comfortable with just being content with my current state.
I would be lying if I said that I’d figured it all out. It’s only now that I have decided to be more intentional with this period of solitude. It is not easy, and there will be times when my desires will overshadow my will, but I am ready to start giving myself the love and affection I desire. I trust the timing of my life, and I will surrender control and be grateful for what I currently have. This is an ode to myself but I also wish to speak to other women in a similar position. We all experience droughts, some last longer than others. I want to remind myself and other women to remain empowered in their solitude, focus less on the lack, and more on what we can give ourselves.