While my hormones are raging, and my body is a little off during that time of the month, it’s not entirely my fault that I’m a bitch this week. Here’s why.
- Everything is wrong
The ratio of milk to cereal is wrong, my cat is still asleep and won’t love me, my shirt doesn’t look right, and the person I held the door for didn’t say thank you. You know what I’m going to do about it? Cry. For a whole week.
- My uterus is waging war
Picture this: battle cries, clashing swords, violent hits and an ungodly amount of blood. Welcome to my uterus in its current form.
- You’re breathing and chewing too loudly
Those little essential human noise have now become cheese graters on my nerves. The constant in and out of air and the sound of crunching both make me want to cry even more. Can you at least breathe on key?
- I’m sleeping, but also I’m not
Did I sleep for 12 hours last night? Yes. Am I going to proceed to take 3 naps today? Absolutely, and cursed be he who tries to wake me up.
- I ate 16 donuts and I want to eat 16 more, but I ran out of donuts
I always knew that spoons resembled tiny shovels, but this week, I want a life-size shovel for all of the food I have to eat in order to keep myself from being a raging bitch. You’re welcome everyone.
- My skin is a volcanic island
Lava, explosions and a destroyed landscape all describe my face right now. It’s red and angry, an outward depiction of my insides this week.
- Nobody understands
Does anyone know how much those machines that simulate period cramps are? Does it come with a travel case? There are a few people who need ~enlightening~ out there.
- Have you ever had a pitchfork in your lower abdomen? I have
The metaphorical pitchfork comes in waves, making me contemplate just how bad passing out right in the middle of the sidewalk would actually be.