They say you are who your father is, so I guess that explains why I’m a hustler.
This season I’ve had to step my hustle up, because I got tired of living in basements, living out of my suitcase, and bouncing around from place to place searching for stability. At this point, it’s starting to feel like I’m packed and ready every time it’s time to leave and I don’t think that’s the way home is supposed to feel. I’ve grown tired of running. I’ve been running since 10th grade, never wanting to be where I was and too afraid of change to accept a new reality. Maybe I was bred for life on the run, because I do it well, but no one wants to keep running around in circles. It’s time for new levels.
Last month felt like I was grieving the loss of another life. I think the storm I was going through is finally over now, I gave it all away to yesterday. Now, it feels like everything I’ve ever known to be true suddenly isn’t and this is my new reality. I keep trying to let go of false notions and perceptions about life and the idea that anything in life could ever be perfect, or that it could ever be the same. Real life isn’t a fairytale, but the life that I’m pursuing is suddenly here now and the old cycle I was wading in now belongs to yesterday.
When I look at my life I think about all the cycles I go through, the ones I’ve broken in my family and the ones that I plan on breaking. I think about my unborn children. I think about how some parents worked so hard that their kids never even had a glimpse of struggle, they don’t even know what struggle is. Growing up I could never relate to them, better yet theycould never relate to me, but I guess that was the plan all along. I just wonder if my life would’ve turned out differently if we had resources to do better, and to be better. Maybe I’d be one of them.
Shit, I wonder a lot of things.
I wonder what life what’ve been like if my parents could’ve found a way to make it work and stay together. I’d be one less statistic, and hell maybe I would’ve made it already. I wonder what life would be like if I would’ve never felt any of this pain. I probably wouldn’t be able to get this deep, or know how to ignite my fire.
I guess there’s no use for speculating, because it doesn’t matter today, it only mattered yesterday and now yesterday’s fading.
The things I used to look back on and see so vividly are blurry now, but up ahead I see the light. I see the karmic cycles before me with my own eyes and I’ve decided that I’m going to break all of them. There’s just some shit that has to end with me, some shit that I don’t ever want to do, see or feel again. And plus, I’m tired of running. I know exactly what I want, I just gotta keep hustling to get it.
Also Check: Maybe This Time