This is all temporary
At least it’s what I like to believe
I can’t seem to feel
How did I become this bitter, negative person
That wasn’t who I was
Can they tell… Can they tell how bitter I’ve become?
This is making me self conscious
Distancing myself even more from the person I was
AND the people around me
The thing is I was bitter before we all fell into temporary
Temporary for me is a survival mode
Technically the only way of living I know
It’s sad to say, but over the last decade, I have been living in several temporaries
They all have an average cycle of two to three years
When this one will end I don’t know
And if this one is the last one, probably not
It’s a constant nudge telling me to be at guard
All of the worries
Then you can ad all we are supposed to do, nonetheless all we are supposed to be
Now it gets tricky
Juggling a ball of the uncontrollable, on top of the things that will lead to the end of the temporary
Man I’m tired
I want to feel the joy of buying a pumpkin and carve it out
I want to give gifts to everyone I meet
take stupid photos of food at restaurants
and videos of the fire works on new years eve knowing I will probably never look at them ever
it is just not a priority
and THAT makes me bitter.
I don’t cry
But I don’t
When you say you cried the whole time
I ask myself what’s wrong with me?
Should I be worried?
In all these cycles of temporaries I learn something new
And I’ve learned that I am me
I do feel
and I’m scared
scared for when temporary becomes permanent
Because when that day comes
will my bitterness leave with it?