Mental Health

To the Woman Who Has Lost Her Fire

You’ve done all the things to bring that spark of life back inside of you. You’ve watched the podcasts, bought the inspiring quote pillows, and taped notes all over your mirror. You’ve done the face masks, the exercises, and more meditation than you thought possible.

Still, deep within, the truth resonates: The fire is gone.

Maybe it’s a fire for the career you once loved or the life you lived. Perhaps the spark has simply dulled for the things you used to know. Whatever it is, you know the torch has died down and the zest for life has been usurped by a bleak gray color. Nothing shines vibrantly anymore.

Life feels monotonous and draining. Suddenly, you understand those rebels without a cause who disappear into the vast wilderness, hitchhiking across the country. You understand that thirst for wanderlust, for adventure, for a life that is wildly unfamiliar.

Because behind all of the daily routines and monotony that leaves you feeling dead inside, you just want to feel something again.

The past months haven’t helped things, certainly. With COVID-19 has come a slew of new anxieties and a brand-new meaning to the word boredom. Life is both terrifying and dull in some new paradox of life we have adapted to as the “new normal.” But the foreign sense of normalcy we’re told to get used to brings little if any comfort. In fact, if anything, it makes us all question who we are, what we want, and what life really means.

As a woman who lost her fire, you feel a sense of dread when you confront what your life’s purpose is now.

You used to walk into a room and see possibility. You used to revel in the spotlight and in the journey you were on. Your feet couldn’t hit the pavement fast enough as you joyously ran toward that goal, that dream, that destination.

Now, all you feel is stuck in the swampy mud, wondering if you’ll ever feel that buoyancy again.

To the woman who has lost her fire, I say this: I see you. I feel you. Because I think if we’re being honest, many of us have faced this, too.

Adult life is tiresome and difficult. Everyone talks about what hard work it is and how confusing it is, but few talk about the very real monotony we all face at some point. No one talks about how to handle it if suddenly your dreams don’t light you up anymore. We all shy away from the truth of that because our quote pillows and our inspiring podcasts tell us that we should be grateful and make our own joy.

But sometimes that advice makes it all worse—because it encourages us to cover up and mask the very real hardships we’re facing. Sometimes, when we lose our fire, it makes us feel like we are alone in that misty, murky water. It makes us feel like we should already know where the life jacket is and how to paddle out of it.

To the woman who has lost her fire, though, I also say: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Ask for help from other women in your life because I know for a fact so many of us mask this hardship, and there is comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for professional help if the fire has been put out for too long or if the days and nights just feel too dark to handle by yourself. There is nothing wrong with admitting the fire has turned to ash and that you need someone to help you find the matches again.

You have one life, and it is too short to waste it experiencing guilt for how you feel. It is too cold of a world to live without that inner flame that keeps you warm, keeps you exuberant, and keeps you healthy.

Finally, to the woman who has lost her fire, I also want to say this: Maybe that wasn’t your true fire all along. Maybe what you thought was your eternal flame was only a spark to give you sustenance for the road ahead. If you can walk far enough away from the smoke signal of your old fire, perhaps you’ll see that in the horizon, a bigger blaze awaits. It can be scary to venture out from the comforting glow of what we’ve grown used to. However, sometimes we have to walk a while in the cold to get to the fire where we truly belong.

by Lindsay Detwiler

Lindsay Detwiler is a high school English teacher and a USA TODAY Bestselling author with HarperCollins/One More Chapter. Her debut thriller, The Widow Next Door, is an international bestseller. Her second novel, The One Who Got Away, released in February with One More Chapter/HarperCollins. Her latest novel, The Diary of a Serial Killer's Daughter, has been called "dark, unique, and a must-read in the thriller genre."

Lindsay is married to her junior high sweetheart. She prides herself on writing about genuine, raw emotions for the modern woman.


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