The twenties can be a confusing and very difficult time for anyone. You have the energy and urge to travel around the world, but not enough money. You are trying to be the best version of yourself, but for some unknown reason, the men nature seems to send your way act like they are making a Walmart run and you, well, you are just one stop they’re making on the way there. You are working so hard at college, yet you are not sure if the course you’re pursuing is what you actually want to do for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you are mostly just hanging in there waiting to see what tomorrow holds.
My twenties have been an interesting time of my life. Let me not exaggerate, I graduated from campus last year and joined a master’s program earlier this year. Relationship wise, I could say I am at a comfortable place with myself. Financially, there is a roof on top of my head and my stomach is not making those hunger noises. And occasionally, I can get myself a good handbag from the mall and even some pretty shoes when my purse smiles at me. (Such are definitely the best days of my life because, tell me, what is life without pretty shoes and classy handbags?)
When I look at my life through the eyes of an outsider, it might look like I have everything managed. That I got everything I ever wanted at this age (which may be the case). But that is the thing. I do not feel like I have everything managed. Not with the uncertainty that comes with these years of my life. The fact that I have all the control on my schedule with no one watching over my shoulder to see if I’m doing the right thing.
My parents, unlike before, are no longer hovering. If anything, they are becoming easier to talk to by day. They no longer scold me when I get rejected by a job or when my relationship fails. Maybe because they understand that the twenties are a fairly new territory for me, and my slightly shaky feet are trying to hold ground here. Truthfully, sometimes I miss their former stricter selves because when you have someone making decisions for you, you can at least pin the blame on them if the outcome is not as pleasant as you might have expected.
I am at this point in my life where I spend a lot of time questioning every step I take, wondering if I am doing the right thing. If I am working as hard as I ought to. I question dreams that I’ve held for a long, long time. I find myself wanting to answer the ‘why’ behind everything I do, and when I cannot, I get so frustrated. I badly want to do what is right for me that sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning in the pressure of it all. I feel like I’m running out of time and the thought of spending these invaluable years of my life doing things that do not give me joy simply terrifies me beyond explanation.
Not just that. With the uncertainty has come fear. The fear that if I do not get it right in this decade of my life, I may never get it right at all. Fear of rejection, failure and many other things. I guess after a few rejection letters from job applications, I cannot say that I always look forward to hearing back from potential employers after I send my applications in. Not because I’m not good enough, but mostly because on some days I am just unsure of myself and just one more rejection might send me spiraling so fast down the dark alley of self-doubt. I am just surprised that as I grow old, my fears do not lessen. If anything, they are bolder. I see them in my dreams every night and wake up to face them every morning. Only that, I am now currently well equipped to deal with them. Or at least, that is what I want to believe.
To any twenty-year-old out there who feels like at every step of their day they are at crossroads, always having to make tough decisions, always wanting to do more but feeling exhausted with all the adulting there is to do, I want you to know that you are not alone. As long as you keep moving, you are going to be fine. But most importantly, trust your journey. I am positive that you are doing the best you can within your given circumstances even when it does not look like it. So, have more faith in yourself.
Author: Melodius Nyanchama
Author Bio: Melodius Nyanchama is a Missouri-based student. Outside of school, she is a blogger and a social media content creator. She believes that life is all about love, laughter and letting go. A listing of her other writings can be found on her blog.
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