*Content Warning: This piece contains references to suicide and depression, which may be triggering to some.*
If you have never experienced depression, reading my words should at least give you an idea on how much pain and hurt someone that is dealing with it might be going through. Even then it's hard to truly understand. When I see stories about another child, mother, or father that has committed suicide, my heart hurts for the family and for the person that felt this was the only way. I see posts where family members wish they would have known, or wished their loved one would have talked to them about it.
This is where suicide gets really complicated, and this is where I might upset some of you. In my experience with my own depression, NO ONE could have changed my mind except me. Depression runs deeper than that. If you look at many suicide cases, you will see that a lot of these people had amazing support from love ones. Some even had great jobs, had money, had kids that they loved and adored. It doesn’t matter what someone has in life; if someone is truly depressed and thinking about suicide, there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently to create a different outcome for your loved one.
I say this because your loved one was hurting within their self. Some days are easier than others. Some days are amazing and for a second things seem like they are going to be okay. But with the good comes the bad, right? Exactly so with depression: you hide and you try to ignore your pain instead of fixing it, you find things to cover it up or to temporally make you feel better. Then it rains, and that one bad day brings it all back like a storm.
Looking back in my past I can’t even tell you how many times I thought about killing myself and even made attempts. From cutting my wrist at the age of 14 to debating on just opening the door to the vehicle my parents were driving while they were on the highway, to taking a lot of pills, to sitting at a stop sign in my car waiting for a semi-truck to drive by at the right time. Even driving fast on an icy road hoping for the worst outcome.
When I was seventeen, I tried to overdose from pills. I messaged my best friend at the time telling her what I had done. She and her boyfriend rushed me to the hospital; the police were then involved, my parents were called and I was sent to a rehab. Rehab was a good experience, but it didn’t fix what was broken in me, causing me to feel this way. Rehab for me was just like a temporary fix until the rain came again.
You see, I had loving friends and I had a loving family that cared about me deeply. When I returned to school after going to rehab, I had strangers coming up to me offering to hang out, trying to be my friend and be there for me. So why did I still feel alone? Because in my head I wasn’t good enough for anyone around me. I felt like I was a burden when I wasn’t. Many people enjoyed my company, but I didn’t enjoy my own.
When I think back to attempting to kill myself, I had a bigger fear than just dying, I was scared that what if after I’m gone, I would still feel the same way. My last attempt to kill myself was when I was 19 years old. I told myself for a while that once the first hard snow fall happened, I would drive fast when exiting the highway and instead of following the road when it curves, I would keep going straight. The first hard snow fall happened, I waited till after dark so I wouldn’t put anyone else in harms way. I got in my car, saw the exit and pushed the gas petal to the floor. I remember losing control of my car and screaming and then everything was still and quiet. I wasn’t harmed, and neither was my car. A tow truck driver stopped to see if I was okay, helped me out of my car and asked what happened. I just looked at him. He told me he saw what happened and there is no reasonable explanation as to how my car was able to stop where it did.
My outcome should have been way worse. My attempt to kill myself failed, but opened a light in me. I never realized before when planning my way to die, that at the bottom of that steep hill was a church. I took that as a sign that there is more to life than I am making it to be. I made it my mission to figure out what I truly wanted. I am the only one in charge of my happiness, and as a kid I didn’t feel like I had many options so my happiness seemed like a thing in the past, but as a young adult I was able to make more choices on my own and find where I belong in this world.
I am now 25 years old with two beautiful children and a loving husband. I thank God everyday that my attempts to killing myself failed.
I wish my outcome happened to more people that felt the way I did. I wish they were able to see the light before it was too late, and I hope that those people have found happiness. For those of you that blame yourself for the loss of your loved one, I know it's hard, but it wasn’t your fault. For those of you struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, it does get better, it WILL get better!
My life isn’t perfect and if anything, I have more stressful problems than I did when I felt depressed and suicidal. The difference is that I feel like I found my place in life, I feel like I belong. This wasn’t a very easy journey and it did take a lot of time to get where I am with myself and happiness. My feelings were real when I was younger, and even though I was surrounded by so many loved ones, I felt alone.
I don’t have an explanation as to why something that may not seem that bad to others felt like the end of my life. But how I felt was real and if things didn’t happen the way they did I wouldn’t be here right now to write this. I wouldn’t be able to wake up every morning to hear that little voice saying mommy.
There are a lot of reasons out there as to why a person feels depressed and suicidal. For some it's bigger problems than mine when I was younger, but when it comes down to the bottom line we all felt the same. We felt like the world would be better without us, mostly because we didn’t feel like we had a place in it anymore. I promise you, no matter how big or how small your problems may be, you do matter and you do belong in this world.
To those of you reading this I hope my words gave you chills, I hope that it made you question why someone would feel the way I did. Because then it will open eyes to see that depression is real, and it is serious, even if its hard to wrap your mind around it. Ignoring it won’t make it go away.
Also, if you are reading this and you do struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, I do encourage that you call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255).
Harness was built on the premise of supporting women, including those that may be struggling in ways that others can’t see. Here are some resources in case you need them, today or in the future.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Suicide Prevention Online Resources: https://
Better Help Online Counseling & Therapy: https://www.
Anxiety and Depression Association of America — Find Help: https://adaa.org/
It’s the year 2019; gone are the days with one phone line and one answering machine. You now carry around a cell phone that can do it all in one tap: send a text, make a call, send an email, write a Facebook message and ruin your entire relationship – ALL IN JUST A CLICK OF A BUTTON!
Day after day, I get phone calls from friends and emails from readers that all share the same amount of craziness: You think that the more you try to make contact, the likelier the person in question is to respond.
Do you have any idea how crazy you sound? In fact, insanity is often defined as repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome each time.
Being Crazy BEFORE a Relationship
The charm that got you that number exchange is dead the second you come off too desperate. If they want to see you, they will make the time; if they want to call you, text you and whisper sweet nothings they will find a way, no matter how busy they are. If you act like you have nothing better to do than texting them all day, they’re likely to believe your relationship won’t be much different and they’ll obviously stop pursuing you.
Being Crazy During a Fight
Some people just need some time to chill after a fight. The idea that everything needs to be worked out before bed puts unnecessary pressure on an already tense situation. Often times, a couple just needs to take a breather to rationally dissect the fight. By texting, calling and not leaving your partner alone, you risk suffocating him/her. And let’s be honest, there’s nothing sexy about someone trying to asphyxiate you.
Being Crazy After a Break Up:
If you’ve been dumped, sending a shit ton of texts and drunk dialing isn’t going to suddenly remind your ex you are worth a second shot. If getting your ex back is your goal, you want to head the opposite way on the crazy scale and remind ‘em why you were awesome to be with in the first place. You don’t do this by acting like a creep.
If you did the dumping, realize that being ignored is just a consequence to your actions; if you broke someone’s heart by leaving them or giving up on your relationship, they have the right to pack up and move on with their lives. Being crazy in your efforts to reconnect isn’t like you see in the movies.. And if your ex has decided to ignore you, you owe ‘em that freedom. If your crazy antics are successful, it’ll only be short term; you’ll only have won by conquering an already broken heart.
Why Calling, Texting and Repeatedly Trying to Make Contact is Working Against You:
I know it makes sense in your mind; You want this person to know you’re still in it to win it, that you’re thinking about them no matter what you’ve been through or how little you’ve known each other, and that if they see how much effort YOU are putting in, they may suddenly want to do the same. But it doesn’t work like that.
Yes, modern technology gives you a thousand doorways to reach the person in question.. but it doesn’t assure they’ll be on the other side. Your texts are being read, your missed calls are being viewed, your emails are getting sent to spam, and your Facebook messages are being ignored. They are not disappearing in a cyber black hole.
How to Stop Being Crazy
What you see as the end goal to your attempts is just an illusion. It’s all wishful thinking. The real end result is shame. The day will come that you will realize that guy you met last night isn’t calling; your partner just resents you when you push ‘em into a corner during a fight; and that your ex is probably laughing and calling you pathetic to all of your mutual friends. That day, my friend, is an ugly day indeed.
Like nail biters dip their fingers in acetone to stop biting, you need to find a way to stop contacting. If you’ve met someone new and realize you’ve made one too many attempts… delete their number. If you’re fighting with your partner, call a friend, make a date, and vent. That should help you release as well as give your partner time to breathe. If you’re being crazy with an ex, delete all numbers, get rid of anything that makes you think of them, de-friend them and hide all mutual friends from the news feed. (If they’re friends worth keeping, they’ll understand)…Last step: bang your head against the wall long enough to replace the thought of your ex by the pain of your forehead. Easy.
Whatever you do, keep your dignity. Make the extra effort NOW by not looking like a fool and reap the benefits later – whether those benefits be a call back from a first date, an apology from a partner or finally getting over that stupid ex.
During a recent dinner with my girlfriends, I brought up the challenge that my husband and I did last winter. We were having a good time with lots of girl talk, eating guacamole and chips with our tequila, and the memory just popped up and then, in my typically unfiltered fashion, out of my mouth.
"A sex challenge?" one friend asked. I nodded, explaining that the test involved both partners committing to seven continuous nights under the sheets."What??" they cried. One woman complained that her husband traveled, another girlfriend said that her bed was so squeaky she feared her kids could hear. One friend gave a flat "no way" because she still had little ones up at all hours of the night. I concurred that they each had valid excuses.
I am an empty nester, so the roadblocks to spending quality time together are far less for my guy and me.
However, we have been married for three decades and there are times when, although we may not have kids at home, work and stress (him), hormonal changes (me) and the comfort of being in a long-term relationship (us) seem to get in the way of intimacy. Truthfully, I take our coupling for granted more than I should. Knowing that he loves me and is a constant in my life, is just such an easy way out of all the other stuff.
However, as we discovered, getting busy in bed can be marriage’s superglue. After my girls’ night, I became curious about where this whole sex challenge idea originated. It couldn’t have been my middle-aged friend’s light bulb idea.
Most of my peers feel that a good book and a salty snack are equivalent to having Jon Hamm in bed these 55 year-old years. 'Time to Google,' my writer self exclaimed. I was amazed at how many relevant topics appeared. There is a book titled "7 Days of Sex Challenge," a Lifetime reality show of the same name and articles from church pastors about doing the deed for 30 straight nights to make a marriage stronger. Cosmopolitan magazine posted a piece suggesting 77 positions in 77 days. I think I will leave that one to the under 30 crowd; I can’t see any of my body parts attempting the circus acts beyond position 9. The Dating Divas blog not only describes the rules of the challenge, but also offers products as incentives.
Since we did it for a week, I read the forward of the "7 Day" book by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo (110 pages would have to wait). Their first challenge stemmed from 11 years of marriage, and consisted of having sex 60 times in 60 days. They ONLY made it 40 of those 60 days. 'Woah,' I thought, doing math on my fingers. That’s like five days a week for two months straight. I think my husband would never go to work if I suggested we try this one.
When I first suggested that my husband and I do this crazy challenge, it was at a time when I was feeling disconnected from everything. My girls had been away for several years, enough time for it to really sink in that they wouldn’t be walking in the door every night. I had just completed two years of time-consuming volunteer work and was trying to finish my first book. I wanted to feel that our bond was strong and that I still had it, whatever ‘it’ is.
This whole idea stemmed from my selfish desires, but in the end it was something we both needed. I didn’t realize how lonely he was; working ten-hour days and eating dinner by the television light, long after I was in bed. It’s silly to look at our love as something that needs an instruction booklet, but this exercise helped reignite something we had misplaced. I don’t think the challenge solves all the problems that couples have, but can be an important reminder that marriage is a marathon and not just a sprint mired in the daily grind.
Years ago, I had the honor of introducing famous sexpert Dr. Ruth Westheimer at a charity event for 500 women. When she stepped onto the podium, she asked if my husband was in the room. ''In the back,' I told her, standing by the door (ready to flee). She posed this question to him in front of the audience: did he know what the key was to a long-term marriage? My husband shook his head and probably had his hand on the exit door.
"Change positions!" Dr Ruth belted across the giant abyss of women, which got quite the group guffaw. But she was right. By changing things up and challenging each other, we became more connected and happier to be in each other’s company. There is always time for a bowl of pretzels and a good read… after.
Do you know how many times I have said this to Bryan?
SO. MANY. TIMES.
Like, so many. And then so many times, I'd start a diet, start exercising and nothing would change. I'd look in the mirror and I would still see fat.
If you know me, you know that I have all my life been what one would call, a "skinny mini." I have always been a size 2, 115 pound gal all my life. Then one day, something happened, and I went up to a size 14, 190 pound gal. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong per se with being that heavy. HOWEVER, when I went to my doctor and she noticed my weight gain and got concerned about it, then I too was concerned.
My doctor ran a bunch of tests and then when we realized, nope nothing is wrong and that I yup, just gained that much weight in a short amount of time, I thought that would be the jump start I needed to lose weight.
Newsflash, it wasn't.
For the past two years, I had to dig deep on figuring out why I gained so much weight. I gained 75 pounds in a year/year and a half basically. Let's dive in, shall we?
For one, I was in a new relationship and like - really happy? We ate out, like, whoa a lot. So I will have to say - this is FOR SURE part of my weight gain. Happiness can do that and I am totally okay with this.
Second, my grandma was dying. Quite the bummer - but, since she had cancer, I let that woman eat WHAT.EVER.THE.HELL. she wanted, and I ate it right along with her. (Hello, jelly donuts galore!) With that being said, that was weight I didn't mind gaining.
Then I started to realize, there is weight that is okay with having. I was happy and I was living in the moment for my grandma's last moments. Why should I beat myself up over those pounds?
Well, I realized those pounds were not the pounds that really put me over. It was the sad pounds that did. The ones that were from the heartache. The endless nights of drinking to numb the pain of losing my grandma. The nights of overeating because I was fighting with Bryan, because I took my pain out on him. The pounds gained from lying in bed for days because I lost my job and felt like I had no purpose in life.
I realized, I put on unhealthy weight because of my emotions. That's when I realized something needed to change. THAT was my wake up call. So, to start my weight loss journey - I went to therapy.
Yup. I got a therapist.
How was I supposed to lose weight if I still had these limiting doubts about myself? They weren't just limiting doubts about my weight, but it was about everything! They sounded like, "why would you start a blog? Nobody is going to read it. Why even bother setting these goals for yourself? It's not going to help you - you're just going to be the same? ...Losing weight because you want kids? You don't even have your own life together - you want kids?"
I made myself feel so bad ABOUT myself and realized I needed to figure that out first. I needed to work on my confidence and my mental health before I could focus on being physically healthy.
So, what did that look like for me? Let's get real here for a second. I knew I needed help. I was in a very slow moving spiral. I didn't know how to handle all these different things life was throwing at me, so sitting on a very comfy couch once a week seemed like a terrible idea. How am I supposed to fix all the things while I am sitting down just talking to someone?
Here's the thing - I didn't realize how good I had it with my therapist until a friend asked me what I was doing different. They said I looked more relaxed and that's when I realized it - therapy was helping. I had a sounding board. I had someone to text when I started feeling overwhelmed again. When I couldn't get out of bed for days, I had somewhere to go with coffee on a Sunday morning to sit and vent to. That's what it felt like to me - sitting and venting and talking to a good friend. During it all, when she would give me her feedback, it was like, "okay, I can try reacting to things this way" or "I can try seeing things from this angle." I learned to be kinder. I learned to be more patient. I learned to listen and try and understand before reacting.
Now, don't get me wrong, I went to therapy for a while. Then - as if life couldn't be anymore predictable - I lost my job. I stopped going to therapy, and I fell back into being sad.
But I had tools that I learned from therapy. So I didn't fall back into like... overwhelmingly sad. Just - average sad - if that makes sense?
ANYWAY - let's get back to the point since I've drifted a bit. So I did therapy for a while, and it was life changing and life saving - truly. Granted, I still have work to do. You are always forever evolving and I believe that is such a good thing for you and your life, so keep that in mind if you are ever feeling stuck like I was.
So therapy changed my mindset essentially - on all things. On life, love, health, relationships, give and take - you name it. It changed the way I saw my weight and my body. I started little by little loving my size 8 and then my size 10 and then my size 12 and now my size 14. (Oh yeah - I may have been working on my mental health to lose weight, but because I enjoy making things more difficult in life, I continued to GAIN weight.) So, as I continued to gain weight and work on my ~emotions~, I started to love myself.
I started to love the rolls and the bigger boobs and bigger hips. I started to love when my boyfriend would put his hands on me and BELIEVE HIM when he said I was beautiful. I started to listen when he would say I was the most beautiful thing to him, and I started to allow myself to FEEL that. I started allowing myself to see the beauty he could see, that I couldn't see myself.
I was at my heaviest and I started feeling more ME. I started feeling like the best version of myself and it shocked me y'all. Of course, I still have my moments. I have absolute freak out moments when I find a new stretch mark - where the hell do they come from and WHY? I still get upset when a new piece of clothing, or a favorite piece of clothing, no longer fits. But, I am learning to look at my body in a new way.
I am learning to thank my body for getting me through the day. I can get up out of bed. I can get to where I need to go without help. I can lift things, I can fend for myself, so to speak. So I am learning to be thankful for that and happy for that.
Here is where the weight loss kicks in though. Can I do all those things in the most efficient and best way possible? No. I can't run like I used to. I can't sleep well. My body HURTS, so I am starting to listen to it. I have decided to be HEALTHY and not SKINNY and that was part of the problem. I am not the kind of person who can go on some radical diet - I love wine, cheese, and bread far too much for that. So I am learning moderation. I am learning to start out small. Little victories here and there and celebrating with a new book, or a night off from chores. I am changing the way I see my success.
I have tried these insane diets for the last year. I threw myself into every single thing you could thing of. From counting calories, to starving myself, to juicing - I have done more than I would like to admit. And, not for nothing - it ain't healthy y'all - and it also doesn't work.
Now, don't get me wrong - what works for me, won't necessarily work for you. What works for Bryan, doesn't work for me. You have to use trial and error and find out what helps you reach your goal.
So here is what I started doing.
I don't look at cheating on my meals as a cheat. I plan my meals out. I measure them so I am not overeating and sticking to what a normal serving is. When I can have a healthier alternative to what I am craving, I choose that. When I really, really, really want ice cream - I have a scoop. I don't eat the whole pint. I don't deprive myself of the good stuff. But with that being said, I am paying attention to when I want these things as well. Am I eating just to eat? Am I craving a tray of wings because I'm sad?
I'm learning to live in moderation. I don't want to deprive myself. So finding healthy alternatives and learning to eat the right portion has worked wonders for me. I can still have a little pasta and bread. I can still enjoy going out with friends and Bryan. I know now how to be happier and it has all started from learning to stop beating myself up about every. damn. thing.
Do I still have days where I miss the mark? Of course. Do I have days where I overeat or am super unhealthy? You bet. Do I sometimes finish the bottle of wine when I should have had a glass? Umm... I sure have. But you know what? I am also living. I am making the changes to be healthier and understand that it won't happen overnight. I am making changes so that my body can be stronger and work more efficiently and better for me and my future little tiny ones. I am making changes to continue to learn to love my body and to love myself.
Listen, if there's one take away from all this, it's the one thing I learned -- and that
is no matter what your weight, love yourself.
I know, it's so cliche but god it is so, so true. Find the things you love doing. Thank your body for getting you there. Sit and chat with a therapist. Your mental health is so important - the way you see yourself could make all the difference, no matter how thin or heavy you are. Take things one day at a time. Beating yourself up over the way you look WILL NOT help. That is more unhealthy than eating a whole box of mac-and-cheese. Give yourself the love you deserve - and, well, I hate to break it to you, but you deserve a hell of a lot of love. Trust me; you really, really do.
What are the conversations you have with yourself about weight loss/gain? Do you have any routines or tricks? Let me know!
When it comes to sex, people’s desires and arousals range on an endless spectrum. What turns one person on doesn’t necessarily mean it will turn on another. See, sex is subjective. What someone may find as kinky, is someone’s “vanilla” sex life. Nevertheless, it’s important to explore your own sexuality, seeing what turns you on and what doesn’t. But how do you go about doing that? Well, here are five ways to find your kink.
Fantasies are based in your mind
What’s important to know and to remember is that your fantasies are in your mind. They’re not real. There are some fantasies that we would never want to act out. For example, maybe you’ve fantasized about slapping your boss across the face, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to do it.
Fantasies, whether they’re sexual or non-sexual, are just that. They’re fantasies. You can control your actions and decide whether or not you’d like to explore certain fantasies or not.
Don’t judge yourself
When it comes to sex, it’s subjective. Though you may share similar sexual desires as other people, your sexual desires are unique. It’s normal to think your sexual desires may come off as weird or gross to other people, but you’re entitled to sexual freedom and expression. Your fantasies allow you to discover things about yourself and your desires. You don’t need to judge yourself for how you feel. Instead, embrace your fantasies and decide which ones you’d like to explore and ones you’d like to leave as fantasies.
Actively explore your fantasies
You don’t need to spend every day and night searching for your kink, but if you want to discover a potential kink you have, you’ll need to look for it. Sometimes, your sexual desires and fantasies are suppressed and need a push to the surface. There are a couple of things you can do to coax your fantasies out.
Experiment with your fantasies
If there are sexual fantasies you have in your mind, you need to decide whether you’d like to explore them or not. There are some fantasies that you may feel are too extreme to try, and that’s fine. Start off easy and work your way up. You don’t need to jump right into it, that’s not the point of exploring your sexuality. You can choose how you’d like to experiment, whether it’s during solo-sex, with your partner, or at a sex party with people who have experience with your kink.
Don’t pressure yourself
Kinks and fetishes are becoming more mainstream, but that doesn’t mean you necessarily have a kink of your own. You can spend a lot of time exploring and experimenting with different kinks, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to connect with one. The beauty of sexuality is it’s different for everyone. You may occasionally fantasize about have a threesome but not really interested in doing it in reality. Either way, what’s important is you relax and don’t apply pressure on yourself to discover a kink you may have.
Finding your kink(s) should be a fun and adventurous experience. Keep an open mind, and take this as an opportunity to explore your sexuality and desires. And if you realize you don’t have any kinks, that’s also okay! What’s important is to learn about what you enjoy and don’t enjoy in bed.