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Relationships

20+ Signs You Are His Back-Up Plan (and just not that into you!) 

Dating sucks, especially when you are seeing signs you are his back up plan.

So, you’ve been seeing someone for a while and things are going great. But then, out of nowhere, he acts distant and weird. You’re not sure what’s going on, but you suspect that he might be seeing someone else. You are wondering what’s going on and if these are signs you are his back-up plan.

You are looking for something serious and see this guy as something long-term, but are not sure if he agrees. Sometimes you feel like he is, others you are not sure what he wants. It is extremely frustrating and you don’t want to waste any more of your time on someone who you are not sure is serious about you.

Here are the 20+ Signs You Are His Back-Up Plan (and just not that into you!)

You are the one that initiates everything.

Plain and simple. If your energy is not reciprocated in any way, shape, or form, then you’re not on his mind. He might just see you as an easy lay or a backup plan when he has nothing else going on.

He doesn’t spend money on you.

guy paying with card

A guy that wants you in his life will do anything to impress you and make you worthy of his time and attention. If he’s not taking you on dates or trying to make a good impression, then chances are he’s just using you as his Plan B.

Your conversations are always superficial.

If you have never felt you have been able to be completely open and vulnerable with him, it’s likely because he has never given you that space. You should never feel judged by your significant other in any way.

You feel like he’s holding you back.

You have tons of goals, dreams, and things you want to do, yet you feel like he’s a distraction rather than making an impact in your life. Don’t let a guy hold you back from anything. A guy is an addition to your life and not a setback.

The things he’s doing with you are at his convenience, not yours.

You have a lot of things going on in your life and if he only reaches out at the times best convenient for him with no consideration for your schedule, then he’s not that into you. A guy would always ask about what works best for you and not the other way around.

He gets jealous about you talking to other guys but is still unwilling to make it official.

couple holding hands together

If you are not officially in a relationship, you are free to talk to whoever you please. Do not act like a girlfriend without him making the effort of giving you the label. It is his problem if he doesn’t like you talking to other guys. You owe him nothing.

He is unclear about his feelings

No one should ever be unclear about how they feel about their significant other. It’s a major red flag that he hasn’t figured out how he feels about you. It will only lead to more hurt feelings in the future. You deserve someone who can’t bear the thought of not having you in their life.

He avoids talking about the future

Talking about the future is essential in a relationship. It shows that you are both on the same page and have the same long-term goals. You should be able to build on those long-term goals with your significant other. If he refuses to talk about the future, it may be because he doesn’t see you in his.

You are afraid he might walk away at any point.

You should never feel you’re walking on eggshells with your significant other. If you’re afraid of their reaction to things, it’s a sign that they are not stable and you should move on. When you’re with someone, you’re supposed to feel safe, not anxious.

He’s only busy until a certain time – that time is late at night.

There’s nothing worse than a guy who only texts you Friday nights at 2 am. This guy is only looking for something physical and not a relationship. You know better than this.

He’s not vulnerable with you.

We know most men to not display their feelings and be the strong ones, but if he never opens up to you about anything personal, then it’s a sign he doesn’t trust you or wants to open up.

He’s always on the phone when you guys are together

guy driving and texting at the same time

When you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly revolves their life around their phone, it can be a sign that they don’t want to talk face-to-face.

People who can’t give you attention and are always on their phone just to see what new message or notification popped up will never be someone that has your full undivided attention. Therefore, it is someone that is not totally serious about you or cares enough to give you the attention you deserve.

Pays more attention to sex than you

If he cares more about sleeping with you than spending time with, it’s probably a good idea to leave. Examples include making more comments about your body rather than how you’re doing, doesn’t listen to you, or only inviting you to hang out at his place and not anywhere else. 

He acts on his own terms and acts selfish

You should never be with someone who doesn’t listen to what your needs or wants are. If he’s making all the decisions and doesn’t include you, then he’s not considering your feelings. This is an enormous sign that you’re not a priority to him and that you’re just a convenience.

You guys are not Facebook Official

A guy is serious about you if he makes it Facebook official. It means he’s not only comfortable with you but also wants to show you off. If he hasn’t done this after months of talking to you, it’s because you’re not that important to him for him to do that.

No one knows who you are 

If you have been talking to this guy for quite some time and his friends and family do not know who you are, it is a sign that he is not ready to commit to you. This is especially true if he has introduced you to them as a friend or acquaintance.

It is also a red flag if you know nothing about his friends or family, as this could mean he is keeping you separate from the people closest to him. This is a sign that he is not ready for a committed relationship. The way he portrays you to the people closest to him indicates how he sees you in his life.

He hasn’t deleted his dating apps

dating app phone

A guy who is serious about you will want to make things exclusive and will delete any trace of another woman in his life- including dating apps. If he still has them, it means that he is keeping his options open and seeing who’s around his area. Not worth it honestly.

He has a habit of being flaky

The worst people are the ones that don’t follow through on their plans. Making plans and then backing out at the last minute is a huge red flag that someone is not interested in you. If they can’t even bother to show up when they say they will, it’s a good idea to move on. You do not want to be with someone who is constantly being flaky with you. 

Holidays aren’t discussed

Whether it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, or just a 4th of July Weekend, if your partner can’t even commit to plans for a holiday that’s still weeks away, chances are they’re not planning on being with you for the long haul.

He’s all words and not action

If he only talks about what he’s going to do and not do it, then he’s not that into you. This goes for anything from seeing each other more, to making plans for the future, or even something as small as returning a text promptly. Remember that you are not asking for much, you just want a guy who is into you and shows it through his actions and that’s honestly the bare minimum.

If you tell him how his behavior is hurting you and isn’t doing anything to change it, it’s not worth sticking around someone who isn’t willing to try.

Even when you have plans, minimal effort is made.

If he makes a minimal effort on dates, conversations, or anything else related to you, it’s a sign he doesn’t want to try that hard. If he doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere, he won’t put in any effort because why would he? 

He gets defensive

man showing his first as anger showing early signs of a controlling man
angry man fist and sad woman on grey background

When confronted with his actions, he becomes defensive and yells at you for perceived offenses. This is a clear sign he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions and would rather deflect the blame onto you or doesn’t care enough to change his ways.

Bottom Line

If he likes you, you’ll know it. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.

These are just a few signs you might be his back-up plan and not that into you. If you’re seeing any of these red flags, it’s time to move on and find someone who will appreciate you for the incredible catch that you are!

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by Genesis Gutierrez

Genesis is the founder of Harness Magazine, a digital media company that celebrates and elevates the voices of women around the world. A first-generation college graduate, Genesis holds a degree in from UCLA with hopes of going back for a Masters in Social Work.

Through her work as an editor-in-chief of Harness, Genesis has dedicated herself to amplifying the stories of women specifically marginalized communities. She is committed to creating space for those who are often left out of mainstream conversations, and believes that storytelling is one of the most powerful tools we have for building community and sparking social change.


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