Right from when we were all kids, we’ve heard that we must respect our elders no matter what, which is accurate but only to a certain extent. It might sound cliche, but respect does go both ways. 

Young or old, setting healthy boundaries with parents is no walk in the park for anyone. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is like; we all face difficulties sometimes. 

One of the most common things that people struggle with within a parent-child relationship is maintaining boundaries with their parents without being rude or inconsiderate. 

Sometimes, parents may overstep boundaries without realizing they’re doing so. It is essential to understand where the issues stem from in cases like these and point them out to your parents. 

More times than not, parents have a hard time accepting that their kid is now a grown-up and wants their space. The thought may not necessarily be a bad one. Still, it may cause a lot of trouble with privacy and other issues in the parent-child relationship. 

When you were a kid, your parents made almost all your decisions for you. With time, you eventually moved on to make your own decisions. 

However, giving up this control over your life may not be the easiest thing for your parents to do. It gives rise to a toxic cycle of overinvolvement and regular challenging of your boundaries when this happens. They may even, at times, choose to ignore your privacy completely. 

The thing about ignorance and struggles with setting healthy boundaries with parents is that it puts the relationship at risk for lasting damage. It causes conflicts and arguments that can seem unavoidable to a certain extent. 

Setting healthy boundaries with your parents is essential for numerous reasons, such as:

If you’re someone that wants to set boundaries with your parents but just don’t know how-to, we’re here to help. 

8 tips to help establish and maintain boundaries between you and your parents.

1. Take a step in their shoes.

Parents of old age or culture find the concept of boundaries a lit unnecessary because of their upbringing, parents, and society. 

 It’s necessary to understand 

The easiest way to map out boundaries is by addressing the root cause behind the issue. 

Why? When you address the issues you seem to have with your parents; you will better understand their perspective and why they seem to have trouble keeping a limit. 

If you’ve moved out of your house, chances are your parents miss you, not just a little, but a lot. If they seem to show up to your place uninvited or call you randomly, it might be because they want to talk to you and because they miss you. 

To parents, kids are their savior and happy bits of life. Your parents will try to find you whenever life gets hard for them. To escape loneliness, sadness, or life crises, parents will want to be with you and in your life to distract themselves from the real deal. 

No matter the case, understanding the situation is the first step towards conflict resolution. Listening plays a significant role in maintaining healthy relationships; one must not ignore its importance. 

So, take a deep breath and listen to your parents. Profuse dates where you guys can talk and connect. Sometimes, parents just want to speak and be in your presence. 

2. Respect your parents 

Treat others how you would like to be treated. Setting healthy boundaries with your parents goes a long way when you treat them with respect. Talking politely is a sign of respect. 

Talk to your parents politely when putting across your boundaries. Calmly explain why setting these healthy boundaries are required and the outcome of setting them. Do it with utter care and sensitivity, so they don’t feel excluded or like they’re not a part of your life anymore. 

girl setting healthy relationship with parents by meeting In the middle and letting spend times with their grandkids.

Show love and appreciation in the way you speak to them, and you will notice things going so much more smoothly than when you were to be inconsiderate. 

An example of how you can put across your boundaries to your parents in a polite manner is as follows:

They brought you a milkshake but forgot that you’ve only recently found out you’re lactose intolerant. 

In situations like these, you may say something like, “Thank you for thinking about me and bringing this milkshake. I appreciate the thought, but unfortunately, I’ve only recently found that I’m lactose intolerant. I wouldn’t like to put you in a position where you would have to waste your money, so please check with me the next time before you pick something up.”

Note: You must identify and understand your feelings first to set boundaries.

In doing so, you may ask yourself questions such as:

Moving forward with setting boundaries will be easier if you know what you want the edge to be and why you want it to be set. 

3. Confrontation

It can be challenging to get your parents to realize that you’re an adult now and can handle things well independently. It can be troubling when your parents treat you as a child because they simply cannot move on or treat you as an adult.

girl setting healthy relationship with parents by meeting In the middle and respecting them.

Conflict resolution involves confrontation. Be direct and talk to your parents about what’s bothering you and what they can do to make it better. If you’re someone that hates conflict and keeps quiet to maintain family peace, it’s going to get worse. 

Sometimes, peace comes after war. In this case, you must choose confrontation over fake peace to protect your mental health and inner peace. 

Be direct when addressing your parents. Be assertive and not rude. 

4. Give out specifications 

Do: Be as transparent and honest as you can 

Don’t: Leave room for vagueness or confusion 

When having conversations about boundaries, always make it a point to be direct and give out specifications. Be clear in the way you speak. Remember, it’s best to have a conversation like this in person. 

Put across your point as clearly as possible by saying things such as “Please don’t do this” or “I don’t like it when you____________, so I’d like you to __________ instead.”

Address the situations from the past where your parents may have refused to accept/maintain boundaries or conditions. Don’t just address the problem, but come up with a possible solution that’s good for both parties. 

Address what parental activities bother you, and then guide your parents on not being toxic/disrespectful or overinvolved as a parent. This will create a sense of accountability for problems, and your parents will know what they can do to bring a change. 

5. Meet your parents in the middle 

While setting healthy boundaries with your parents , ensure that your they don’t go unheard. If you want your parents to listen to you, you must also listen to them. 

Start with smaller goals to establish boundaries and then move on to bigger ones. 

Help your parents adjust to your needs by making it as easy as possible.

Build boundaries that are flexible, changeable, and acceptable to both parties.

For instance, when you are moving out or away from your parents— make sure you meet them every weekend/once a week/twice a month, or whatever seems flexible to both of you.

Be as gentle about your decisions as possible— harsh conclusions will hurt your parents more than your formed boundaries.  

Remember to put yourself first in the process and not do anything you’re not okay with. At the same time, cherish your parent’s choices as well. 

What you can do to form a sort of middle ground is:

By ‘putting ourselves first,’ we essentially choose our mental and physical health first. Parents usually wish to maintain a relationship without any personal space and boundaries. Undergoing that relationship can be controlling, overpowering, constricting, and exhausting— it can affect your mental health and lead you towards anxiety. 

It’s necessary to put yourself first to save yourself from hatred and mental exhaustion.

If you’re not okay with discussing specific topics about your personal life, don’t. Please don’t go out of your way to seek your parents’ approval; it will only cause long-term damage to the relationship. 

Flimsy boundaries are no good for anyone involved in the relationship. When being direct, be polite and ask your parents why they seem to have trouble accepting and maintaining boundaries. 

Take a step by step approach as:

1: Ask what the problem is 

2: Address it 

3: Find a solution 

4: Suggest an alternative 

While your parents don’t have to agree to all your decisions in life, it is vital for them to feel appreciated and loved for their values. 

6. Look at the long-term goal. 

A sense of guilt seems to be associated with ‘putting yourself first.’ We’ve all felt that tiny voice in our head saying things like “You’re selfish,” “you are mean and harsh to your parents,” “Don’t hurt your parents even if you stake your health.”

Before you board the guilt trip, understand that ‘self-love’ and ‘putting yourself first is not selfish; it’s a necessity. Similarly, people who make you feel guilty are not worth a thought. 

Remind yourself that: 

Set boundaries and be firm in maintaining them. If your parents ever crossed a border, call them out; there’s nothing wrong with that! Setting boundaries will save you from hating your parents or detachment. 

Remember that pushover boundaries do more harm than good to a relationship. They cause confusion and toxic cycles of disrespectful behavior. 

7. Take up space and do it unapologetically. 

Parents may struggle with respecting the limits set between. They may also seem like they’re having a tough time understanding why you’ve set boundaries and why they are essential to you.

person setting healthy boundaries with parents by moving out

Don’t hesitate to be an individual if your parents don’t understand your boundaries, even after a thousand discussions. It is okay to take up space and speak your mind. 

Distancing yourself or giving yourself space to clear your head is essential to evaluate why your boundaries are not wrong. Once you’re clear about why you want to set boundaries, maintain them with a healthy mind. 

8. Consult a professional

Setting healthy boundaries with your parents is not an easy task. If you think you have trouble, you can always seek professional help. If you don’t know where to start or have no clue how to communicate the importance of boundaries to your parents, consulting a professional will be beneficial. 

The guilt that we experience while setting boundaries can signify a more significant issue, and a therapist will guide you about it. 

All mental health professionals are trained to identify and help toxic relationship patterns to change them into healthy relationships for their clients. Therapy is a two-way street where a professional will help you help yourself. 

A therapist can also play the role of a mediating third party between you and your parents in case you have trouble communicating openly with them for whatever reason.  

Recognize that you are responsible for yourself and only yourself.

Embracing that you’re responsible for yourself and your happiness can make it easier for you to set boundaries. It is okay to reevaluate your relationship with your parents and the kind of conversations you engage in. 

If you feel like something is not suitable for you, respect that feeling and don’t do it. Tell yourself, “to protect your emotional well-being, boundaries are necessary.” 

And in case you need a reminder:

How can you start the process of communicating a boundary?

Communicating a boundary can be difficult, especially when it comes to parents. Several steps are involved, and it may get confusing to understand where you can start communicating a boundary. 

Use this sentence to start a conversation while setting a boundary with your parents:

“I love you and our relationship matters a lot to me. I hope you know that. But I feel ______________________ when you ____________________. Right now, I want to take care of myself first, so I don’t like doing ___________. I need you to _______________. 

Remember that setting a boundary may sometimes take a while for both parties to come to terms with, and you need to stick to them. 

General tips that can help you with setting healthy boundaries with your parents:

1. Use the word ‘No’ more often.

Always saying ‘Yes’ even when you want to say ‘No’ can be very unhealthy in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. If you’re someone that says yes to please other people at the cost of your mental health, you might want to reconsider. 

Say no when you don’t want to do something, you might feel bad about it now, but it can be beneficial in the long run. Stand up for yourself whenever necessary. 

2. Know that boundaries may feel wrong 

There can be times when you feel extreme guilt for setting boundaries; this is normal. Your love for your parent doesn’t want you to hurt them in any way possible. 

No one but you should be okay with your boundaries. If your limitations make someone else uncomfortable, understand that it’s their problem to deal with, not yours!

In Conclusion 

Boundaries are there to help you maintain and form good relationships with everyone around you. They allow you to honor your needs and personal space; they’re essential. 

Help them understand that they may always be your parents, but you’re not a child anymore and do so with love.

In any relationship, the search for realness can be quiet the quest. You can tell from body language, tone, demeanors, and even wardrobe that people tend to try to hard to be something that their not. In this social media driven society, many are trying to keep up with an image that is honestly nonexistent. You have many even going under the knife to be the image of a toy that simply was created to give people hope during that specific era.

So many people are committing suicide because they are bullied for being who they are, their authentic self. Red flags and warning signs were shown but yet people ignore until it’s to late. I was told recently that this current society is extremely sensitive. That one wrong move, comment, or thought can make or break someone’s perception of you. This quite honestly has become unnecessarily stressful for me. I have to watch what I say or do because it can offend someone. Meanwhile, I’ve been offended majority of my life. Being to much of one and not the other, or “Your not like your siblings”, or “Oh you’re apart of that family?” can scar someone deep to the core. Even now with the creation of the virtual reality world, people search for a better more colorful life than the one that is currently their own.

Why is authenticity so strange to ask for? Or strange to see? Why is the need for approval much stronger than the approval and love for yourself? Why is it in a moment of positivity or celebration, someone has to drive that negative nugget of caution? Almost as if this moment is going to spoil if…..happens. Why can’t realness be well…real.

In relationships, when things don’t work out to our liking, we tend to blame ourselves. Almost as of everything down to the moment of meeting was our fault. If I did it this way, that way, or presented myself as such this would have worked out. This is done so much to the point where we fail to realize that perhaps it wasn’t our fault to begin with. Maybe just maybe that other person couldn’t see the value of who you truly are. That maybe just maybe that person carried so much insecurity and pain that they couldn’t be the person you needed or wanted. That in fact that breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you. This is when you take a step back and realize that the need for acceptance is far greater then that relationship.

Regardless to what others or a movement may say, every person on this earth desires companionship. Wether it’s a friendship, romantic, work, or even educational people long for that connection. You can even take it as far back as in the bible when God said “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). This very scripture can be taken so far out of context that people can be subjected to abuse. Yes we as a people are better together. However, that doesn’t mean we have to stay in a toxic environment for the rest of our lives. That yes, we need relationships so I have to take this abuse from my family, friends, and even employer.

I would caution people to understand the difference between a toxic environment versus a learning moment. Within a toxic environment, the value of self is decreased so much so that you can’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. While in a learning moment, you see certain sides of yourself that need to be improved and or strengthen for your own personal growth. I would challenge you to take a step back in the current season you are in and ask yourself if this is toxic, or an educational moment. If it is in fact toxic, do what you can to remove yourself. That can be asking for help form someone you trust, waking away, or even relocating to another state. If however, this season is in fact an educational moment, take notes and do a deep self evaluation. You’d be surprised how much learning you have to do in order to grow.

In my constant quest for growth, I’ve realized how much I have changed. I can see that I’m stronger than I was a decade ago and sometimes that scares myself. My strongness can come be uncomfortable to others to the point where they themselves are afraid to even talk to me. That my own personal comfortability makes them question if they should even be around me.

Now can my strength be a little to much at times? Yes, simply because it can come across as if I don’t need or want anyone. Almost as of it’s the “I got it” or “I know it” mentality. That my strength can become a shell of protection for my vulnerabilities. Being strong can be a gift and a curse. Yes it can be great at times but sometimes I want to be that person that can cry on someone’s shoulder without the worry of being taken advantage of or even misunderstood.

Sometimes that very quest of authenticity is not with others, but simply with myself. I want to be who I am without the fear of judgement or condemnation. That I want to say how I feel without someone being so easily offended and I have to apologize later. Or that I want to shower someone with love and appreciation and not have to fear that this very act can be misunderstood as a quality of friendship and not a romantic one.

For myself, the search for authenticity is for someone to truly see not only themselves, but to also truly see me. To have healthy relationships that cause growth and not shrinkage. That provides protection and not uncovering. That gives more laughter than pain or sadness. That very authenticity that can make you enjoy life and not search for it somewhere else or in someone else. The type of authenticity that brings true exceptance of self and others. Hopefully, I’ll find it soon in others because I’ve already found it within myself. And let me tell you, that this self authenticity is down right beautiful.

 

Between work, family, and all of the stresses of life, it is easy to focus  on the things that go wrong. Unfortunately, doing so  can lead to anxiety, depression, and a general dissatisfaction. e. One of the simplest ways to create a new outlook on life is to concentrate on  gratitude. Being grateful, and centering on thankfulness, can put life into perspective and keep your minds in the present. Reaping  the benefits of gratitude requires that thinking and expressing your thanks becomes a way of life. These are some of the best ways to cultivate a spirit of gratitude, which in turn, helps you feel better about life.

Practice Gratitude Through Journaling
Research shows the importance of journaling in cultivating a spirit of gratitude to develop a more positive outlook on life. It might be good to bookend the day by journaling first thing in the morning and again before bed. You can simply jot down for what and for whom you  are thankful. Gratitude can include listing not just things but also people and experiences. This ritual serves as a reminder of the good things in life, which can boost any mood.

Meditation
Starting a meditation practice that integrates gratitude into an existing routine is another way to cultivate gratitude. Not only does meditation relieve stress on its own, but using that time to focus on gratitude provides an additional bonus. Even a five-minute meditative practice can help center your day around gratitude. By focusing on grateful memories and visualizing positive future outcomes, meditation can help you form  a gratuitous lifestyle.

Gratitude and Conflict Resolution
Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but gratitude can foster a positive approach to managing  these situations. Whether conflict arises with a family member, friend, or work colleague, there are ways to center on  gratitude and return to the situation in a more positive, constructive position r. By focusing on gratitude, people can reframe negative situations into something  positive. This is also a way to process the negative emotions that sometimes arise as a result of  conflicts. When we are thankful for our life we are more willing to accept challenges and can anticipate brighter moments.

Cultivating a spirit of gratitude takes effort, but it is possible for everyone to  incorporate gratitude into their lives. The benefits of the practice of gratitude are enormous. Using these methods can help make  gratitude a way of life. If you practice these methods in your own life on a consistent basis, you will become more skilled at the practice of gratitude, and this ,can greatly benefit your life in the long run.

Setting Boundaries with an ex. 

Breakups are the worst! We know!

Sometimes breakups are absolute— they end up with one or both of you understanding that the relationship is just not something you both can do anymore. So you break up, return each other’s things, and never look back. 

Many breakups may not look like that for multiple reasons possible; 

Often, it gets tough to understand where to draw the line in this breakup, especially if you’re just freshly out of the relationship. How do you set boundaries with an ex? Who sets them? You or them? When are boundaries a necessity? 

Don’t worry, we’ll answer all of these questions in this article, but before that, let’s look at something familiar that need to be addressed:

What are boundaries, and why do you need them?

In simple words, boundaries are what separates you from a person, in this case, your ex. Boundaries are imaginary lines that separate your physical and emotional space from them (your ex). 

Setting boundaries enhances the essence of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. 

Boundaries can help you understand why the relationship had to end and navigate the path between whatever is left and whatever is to come.

You might want to ask yourself questions such as: 

A lot seems to change after a breakup, and while it may seem painful right now, it will only be beneficial to both you and the others involved in the long run. 

It is important to maintain boundaries due to the following reasons:

1. Boundaries allow you to be true to yourself

Boundaries are a way of being who you truly are— You separate yourself from others completely. Setting boundaries define your choices and why they are different from your ex. 

We often choose whatever our partner chooses in a relationship— we make decisions, choices, and expectations together. However, after a breakup— you are free to have your personal opinion on matters. Boundaries finally detach you from the other person. 

These boundaries remind you that you are allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings and that you’re a whole person on your own. You don’t need a partner to be happy or content.

2. A form of self-care 

Boundaries can be viewed as a form of self-care. When you tell your ex what is acceptable and unacceptable for you, you’re essentially telling them how you wish to be treated. 

Boundaries also help you not push yourself to do something for your ex-partner that you might not necessarily want to do. 

For instance, you might not want to see them often, so you can set a boundary as to how many times they can come to visit your child in a week/month.

Self-love and self-care help us move on faster and for good!

3. Boundaries help create and set realistic expectations.

Boundaries will help you and your ex determine the past from the present. With a fresh breakup, you and your ex-partner may try to get back together or do things (kiss, hug, cuddle, etc.) that you both would regret later. 

In a way, boundaries will introduce you and your ex-partner to the reality— that you cannot cuddle or kiss anymore because you ended the relationship for valid reasons. 

With decided rules and boundaries, we can behave better around our ex. When you communicate your limits, your ex-partner will learn about your expectations from them. On the other hand, when you don’t share your opinion, they might cross lines you don’t wish them to approach. 

4. Boundaries provide safety

Maintaining some distance emotionally from your ex will prevent emotional/mental damage. Breakups are mentally disturbing, and still being in touch with your ex can further enhance that emotion. 

Boundaries will put a stop to your imagination of getting back together for a little fake mental peace. Boundaries are strict, but they will help you stand when you would want to dive into the same stories of lies. 

Setting Boundaries with an Ex

Setting boundaries with an ex may not be the easiest thing to do, especially if you still have feelings for them. Here are a few tips that will help make the process a little easy. I must warn you, it won’t necessarily be a walk in the park for you:

1. Give yourself space and time away from your ex: 

After a recent breakup, leaving your ex may be the toughest thing you have to do. But if you think it’s possible, give yourself time to heal. 

You don’t have to stop talking to your ex forever, but when you go for a month or two without seeing them or talking to them, it will help make things clear in your head. 

It will help you differentiate clearly between what you once had and what you’re trying to build without them. 

It’s easier to separate ways when you are never going to see them again. However, if you are willing to transform that relationship into friendship— setting boundaries is of utmost necessity. 

Even if you want to continue your friendship with your ex, it’s not wise to try things out right after the breakup. Let your ex-partner know that you need space to move on from this breakup before trying something new. 

Take as much time (weeks/months) as you want before starting a new friendship with your ex.

You can also try: 

Why is it important to take time for yourself? 

It is of essence to take time for yourself even if you want to stay friends or maintain contact with them because of your kids. Everyone needs time to heal from a relationship, even if it may not have necessarily ended badly. 

Even if it’s only for a little while, space and time can change a lot of things. Please remember, you’re not being weak or mean by asking for your own space— you’re allowed to do that!

Note: Block them if you absolutely must

When it comes to maintaining boundaries on social media, the line may get a little blurred. You may see them posting quotes or statements about something and realize a lot about the relationship during this time. 

If you think that anything your ex is putting out on social media is bothering you, know that it is okay to block them. 

You might sometimes even feel the need to reach out to them if you see their pictures on social media constantly or if they seem like they’re moving on; DON’T! 

It will be easier for you to deal with your emotions if you’re not connected to them in any form when you have decided to be away from them. It will also be easier for you to resist getting in touch with them when it may not be necessary.

If you must, make a plan or a mental note about the following: 

Make sure you answer these questions before you choose to block them.

2. See a therapist: 

Sometimes, breakups may be more brutal to deal with for some people than for others. We often know there is a need to set a boundary, but we’re unsure what limitations we must establish and how we should do it. 

We may need to work through things and talk about them before building another relationship with the same individual.

If you think setting boundaries is getting tough for you to deal with, talk to a professional. 

Reasons WHY you should see a therapist: 

Overall, detangling your brain with a therapist will give you a clearer image of what you should do and what you shouldn’t. 

3. Decide what boundaries you need to set and maintain: 

Some boundaries are constant and firm and don’t need to be changed over a while. Others might require some modifications in time. The need to set completely different boundaries may also present itself in the future. 

What you must focus on currently are the boundaries you need to set and maintain between you and your partner right now. If you need, write them down and understand the reasons behind setting each of those boundaries. 

Answer these questions for yourself: 

Make a list of the boundaries you want to set based on the answers and your reason for selecting them. Once it is on paper, it will become easier for you to execute these boundaries in reality. 

Don’t rush this process; take your time with it. These boundaries do not have to be set in stone but make sure that you’re not leaving anything out or ignoring anything. Be clear and concise about them. 

4. Be open to change: 

As your priorities change over time, your boundaries may too. You may not be in the best place emotionally right now to set some rigid boundaries. You may even put some of them to protect your mental peace or your feelings. Over time, you will also realize that you need to set some boundaries stronger than others, which is okay.

Whatever might be the reason, you must be open to the idea that boundaries can be changed. While setting these boundaries, you may as well realize what you actually want in your partner. This realization will help your future choices and relationships. 

Boundaries change with situations you’re going through in life, and it’s essential to realize that change is necessary for growth. This will help you solve problems more efficiently and face challenges with strength. 

5. Talk to your Ex:

Perhaps the most crucial step in the process of setting boundaries with your ex is to communicate what you find fit and unfit. Once you’ve figured out what limits you want to select, it’s time for you to openly communicate them to your ex. 

Also, understand that when you set your boundaries, you must also be open to respecting theirs. There may be issues your ex-partner might want to address before you move on to this new chapter with them— it is just as crucial for them to feel comfortable as it is for you. 

This cannot be done on a text or a call. Meet in person and have a conversation face-to-face. Keep the points you’ve written in mind during the discussion and put them across politely. 

How will this help? 

Laying down your boundaries and talking to your ex-partner about them will help the other person know what you expect from the relationship you both will share moving forward. 

6. Get someone to help you with the process: 

Things can get a little messy between two people after a breakup, and that is entirely normal. If you think you might need help coming to an understanding with your ex-partner about boundaries, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. 

Help could be either a third party in the form of a therapist, a relationship counselor, etc. Don’t involve a person you (your ex) is familiar with— they might “take sides” or may even sometimes be biased in their opinion. 

7. Reach out to your circle: 

Breakups are tough to deal with on their own, and if there is an added urge to get back with your ex-partner, everything might worsen. In cases like these, you may rely on your friends and family to help you stay firm about your decisions. 

Choose one person; it could be someone you know/trust. This person will help you maintain your boundaries and not reach out to your ex in your weak moments, don’t worry; we’ve all had a couple of those. 

If you think you might need more than one person for this, reach out to others you trust. This will be helpful, especially if you struggle with maintaining boundaries or if you’re new to the process. 

What prevents people from setting boundaries?

While setting boundaries is easier said than done, here are some reasons why people may not set boundaries even after a relationship has ended:

1. Fear

Change can be scary sometimes, and many people may even fear it. If you’re scared, some questions that can help you deal with this fear are, “What am I afraid of?” “What are the odds of this impacting me negatively?” and “What will happen if I set this boundary or if I don’t?” 

2. Ambivalence 

You may not always be clear why you need to set boundaries with an ex; this can cause issues. It may be that you’re not convinced setting boundaries will be helpful in any way. In cases like these, tell yourself that sometimes it’s okay to not know everything before acting. 

3. Low Self Worth 

Some people may struggle with feeling loved or worthy. This may negatively affect their lives, such as setting and maintaining boundaries. 

4. People Pleasing

If you wish to avoid conflicts at all costs or if you simply just do not want to disappoint people at any point, you may be a people pleaser. 

People pleasers often fail to put their needs first and stay assertive. They tend to prioritize how others might feel because of their behavior instead of considering how positively or negatively their actions might impact them. These individuals often struggle with setting boundaries, in romantic relationships or even otherwise. 

In Conclusion 

The truth is— setting boundaries is not as easy as it seems and there can be a lot of resistance from both sides and even conflict at times. It may seem like the transition from a romantic relationship to a platonic one can be effortless and uncomplicated. However, that might not be the case. 

The key to setting and maintaining boundaries is communication and respect. Openly communicate and respect your boundaries and those of your ex-partners’ if you wish to have a beautiful and long friendship with them. 

Clear boundaries can help provide a sense of safety and can help form healthy relationships with everyone around you, including your kids, your family, your ex’s family, and in some cases, even your new partner!

           Yes dad, I want to swim

My dad was a teacher for many years. During the Summer, he would manage the local club swimming pool, which inevitably sponsored a club swimming team.

I was 8 years old and the oldest of four girls, all born within a 4 and 1/2 years Being the oldest, I was also the first to experience many opportunities.

This particular opportunity had me trembling with perpetual fear. The swim meet was about to begin and I absolutely dreaded the thought of standing on a metal starting block and diving headfirst into that chilly pool. To think that others would be watching me drown, no thanks!

Think fast Heather, I tell myself, and where might be a good place to hide? Without arriving at an answer, I begin  walking briskly (no running allowed at the swim club and plus, I would be bringing attention to myself) to the ladies restroom and hide in the stall at the furthest end. Nobody could possibly find myself here.

Time passed quite slowly and then out of the blue, the speaker called my name, “Telephone call for Heather Lynn, telephone call”.

Who could be calling me? How exciting this was! Out of the bathroom I run and before I knew it, my coach grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders, heading directly for the pool.

I don’t think I even had a moment to understand what just happened. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, I was standing on the cold metal starting block peering into the deep, blue, chilly water.

I will never forget the next moments. The starting gun went off and my coach gently pushed me forward as I plunged quite uncoordinated and awkwardly into those cold waters.

As I grappled for an explanation as to what just occurred, I realized I needed to surface and had but a few choices I could make. The choice I made was to swim (unsure if you could quite call it that as of yet) as fast as I could to the other side without drowning myself along the way.

For some mysterious reason, this led me toward many years of competitive swimming, up and through  my freshman year of college.

I often reflect on this story and every single time, my eyes well up with tears and the wild realization of how critical this moment actually was in my life.

I learned so much that day about facing my fears. When we tell ourselves stories and forecast the ending, without giving the story a chance to play out – we miss out on the possibilities.

Yes, the water was cold but I finished the lap! Do you know how proud of myself I was? This shaped my future and my desire to “dive in” in so many ways.

If we don’t give it a go, we never know if we would sink, drown or make it to the other side. To this day, I still take those bold chances and life continually surprises me.

Texting a new crush is riskier than trying to stop a train. For a minute, it may seem like you have a shot, and a few wrong texts later, you may never talk to them again.

Sending boring and short texts, unfunny emojis, and replying late can be some of the biggest turn-offs for your partner. Using text elements like “Hi, how are you?,” “Can we be friends?,” “What’s the weather in your city?,” are examples of what people don’t get replied to. 

If you are trying to make a good impression on someone who you met on Instagram and are getting awfully ignored—chances are that you might be a dry texter. 

Don’t worry; all you need to understand is how conversations work in the modern world—learn a few texting skills, and you’re good to go. 

How to not be a dry texter?

Texting has given us the privilege to talk to our loved ones from anywhere, but that won’t benefit you much if you are a dull and dry texter. 

Texting is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. But if it’s stressing you out a lot, then it’s time that you give up, and meet them in person. You also need to stop being an overthinker and start expressing what you feel—if not through text, then, in-person. 

It reminds me of a quote, “Communication is the key to healthy relationships.” If you want to have a healthy, fun, and happy relationship in the future, you must learn how to properly communicate now. 

Texting becomes 100 times tougher when you are doing it with someone special and badly want to leave behind a good impression. But how do you do it if you are not a great texter or even a good communicator? 

Please read the whole article to get some interesting tips on not being a dry texter. Also read about ‘what’s dry texting’, ‘5+ signs telling that your texting is turning dry,’ and ‘when it’s time to give up.’ 

20 Fantastic Tips on how to not be a dry texter! 

Dry texting is when someone starts sending you short messages, leaving your messages on read, ignoring facetime, and not putting an effort into the conversation anymore. 

If many people leave you on seen and do not show much interest in talking to you on text, you’re most probably a dry texter. 

Here are some fantastic tips to learn and use to impress your crush by simply texting. So have a look at pointers mentioned below:  

1. Reply as soon as you can 

One of the most essential tips you must keep in mind to avoid being a dry texter: stop replying late. Replying quickly is imperative, especially when the other person puts effort and responds to you on time. 

The more we grow up, the easier it is to understand that everyone gets a little busy now and then. Instead of not replying on time, you must drop a text saying that you are a little busy at the moment and will text back as soon as possible. 

2. Avoid using one-word replies. 

One-word replies like “yes,” “sure,” “yeah,” “hmm,” “K,” and “ok” can be the biggest turn-offs for the said person. 

No matter how busy you are, stop using one-word replies, especially with the person you adore. For example, imagine receiving a plain conversation-ending reply such as ‘hmmm’ from the person you want to talk to all day long. 

It doesn’t sound good, right? 

Using such basic replies may sound rude, too. If you are too busy to reply— text them at a later time/date when you can talk freely and with full attention.

3. Make texting fun with GIFs and emojis: 

Using fun GIFs and emojis can be so much more fun and long-lasting. Start using emojis of heart, lips, dance moves, eating, and many other fun additions. 

Use GIFs depending on the mood of the conversation. If the conversation is deep and loving— send them kisses and heart. However, if it’s roasted and lit af; send funny GIFs of actors, cartoons, etc. 

This would ensure that the conversation’s mood is fun and joyful! 

4. Make your crush smile with memes

In India, there’s a famous movie dialogue called, “hassi (laughed) to phasiii (awestruck),” meaning— that if a girl laughs with you in the conversation, then you have won her over. 

Nowadays, sharing memes and making each other laugh is a regular thing. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to see your crush smiling and blushing because of you? It really is quite the best feeling in the world. 

5. Don’t be afraid to ask questions

Asking questions can make the conversation 100% more attractive. Start asking questions about their hobbies, what they like, what’s their favorite food, favorite movie, and things that they do in your free time. That’s how you can understand each other more and create good conversation skills.

6. Show your sense of humor 

Being funny and showing a happening sense of humor can be a great way to avoid being a dry texter.

Other than sending funny emojis, you can also start showing them random funny texts without being afraid to laugh with them a little louder. Everyone likes to have a partner who is lively and entertaining. 

7. Go ahead, and be a flirt

A little flirting can make the conversation much more adventurous. Stop sending them the same old regular texts every day. No, go ahead, and start showing them your flirting skills— tease them a little, get cheesy, and romantic. 

A little sensual texting will ignite a whole different aura between you and your partner. Everyone has that cheesy flirty side of themselves . All you have to do is, feel confident and bring that out and make a show. 

It might be a little difficult to flirt openly, but the least you can do is try! If your partner takes initiative to the hint, that’s your cue to stop being a dry texter.

8. Remember the details 

What to exactly talk about? For starters, know your partner— ask them about their life, their struggles, their happy moments, their sad times, and their passions. Once you start to acknowledge them and their individuality— talks and texts will come naturally along the path. 

From what I have experienced, people appreciate and cherish the little details in their relationship. No matter who you talk to— sharing the tiniest details that you noticed in the said person will make them acknowledge your existence and appreciate it. 

Every little point is essential, and that’s how you make the person feel so special.

Listening to old details and memories will impress your partner and leave them awestruck. “What? You still remember that?” Bringing out old memories will make future conversation much more intimate.

9. Turning texting into the conversation 

Sometimes, you might find texting to be a little less intimate and more futile— maybe it lacks depth or a real conversation. Instead of blaming the other person, start putting more effort into your discussions. 

Of course, you will have to learn some skills and master basic conversation skills before you go ahead and express what you feel. It takes time to completely open up to your partner and be true to yourself. These days, people appreciate truth more than pretty lies. 

10. Text first 

People always hate to text first, but what’s wrong with texting first? In today’s world, overthinking makes us lose multiple special occasions and individuals.  

Don’t overthink and text them first. Don’t just text them ‘good morning/good night’. No, text them long-lovely messages to start a deep conversation. It’s even better that you are the first person showing interest. You’d do a great favor  to your partner who’s shying away from texting first. 

Get over anything that makes you scared, grab your phone, and shoot your shot; that’s how you avoid being a dry texter. 

11. Know your limits

It’s an essential rule to know your limits because you might hurt or scare other individuals by crossing those limits unknowingly. 

Remember to always be kind, give respect, and take respect. Even when you start flirting or joking, never forget to know your limits and be gentle. If they reply late—don’t get mad at them, have patience and never disrespect them.

12. Share your experience

People get to know you much better when you start sharing your experience with them. Do not be afraid of judgment. Realise that everything that you have gone through in life makes you unique. 

So when a conversation is going on, and you have some memories attached to it, don’t be afraid and just let them know about your experience. That’s how you continue any conversation, and two people form a bond.  

13. Try asking for opinions 

It’s always a good gesture when you ask people for their views. Even if their opinions feel different, you must have value for them. 

This way you can build conversations over anything like choosing an outfit, something study-related, or anything you are confused about and want somebody to help you. 

Simply pick up your phone and ask your crush for their opinion. That’s how people start sharing a positive bond where they ask each other for mutual help! 

14. Don’t ask boring common questions

Always coming up with the same boring texts should never be a choice. For instance, if you wish good morning to your crush everyday, do it uniquely each morning! 

The exact text “good morning” can become boring when overused. Start showing your skills and do something exciting like sending a quote, or a snap with a cute message, a joke; you can even tell them about the dream you had last night. In conclusion, you must stop sending the same boring texts to avoid being a dry texter. 

15. Follow up on something your crush told you 

When someone tells you a small detail about them, remember it. For example, if they have a friend’s birthday later in the week, then don’t be afraid to ask them what they are going to wear. 

If they show interest in talking about it, you may probably end up helping her decide the dress for the night. That’s how you make all of this work properly and get going. 

16. Don’t be afraid to be invested 

Sometimes, people hesitate to text and think ten times if they should do it or not. Instead of overthinking, you must feel free to express whatever you think, because that is what you are. 

If they like you, it should be your real self. Always be real! 

It’s important to let them know the truth, and if they still like you well, you win. Just start enjoying the conversations and say what you feel but with respect, and that’s how you learn to stop being a dry texter. 

17. Have a purpose 

Whenever you text a person, there must always be a purpose for it. Every conversation needs to have a goal because you automatically become good at texting when you know what you’re talking about.

While talking, do everything like sending stickers, emojis, relevant memes, and gifs to avoid being the dry texter. It is essential to have a purpose and get the conversation going! 

18. Don’t be eager 

It is essential to not become so keen that you start texting them every minute all day. Avoid commenting creepy compliments on their pictures and acting like some stupid lover. 

So please have patience, wait for their proper response, and act accordingly. Give them their space, and don’t forget to respect them in any decision that they make. Everyone has the right to make their decisions, and they can choose whether they want to talk to you or not.  

19. Show interest in their life 

When you like someone and want all of their attention, you need to start talking about their life, like what they want to do in their future and what’s going on right now in their life. 

People become good communicators when the conversation is about reality. So be a good listener and show them that you are interested in their life! 

20. Enjoy what you are doing 

Start enjoying the conversation, and you will start seeing change in your texting style. You don’t need to learn any tips to talk to a person, as it all comes naturally. 

Be expressive and say what you feel like with all respect. You will automatically make the conversation funny when you want it, and then you are no longer a dry texter. 

What are some examples of dry texting? 

It is pretty challenging to understand if someone is a dry texter by just one message. Here are some points that you can look at to understand if someone is a dry texter: 

  1. They continuously send one-word messages. 
  2. They leave your messages on read every time. 
  3. They always keep the conversation short and show no interest in the conversation. 
  4. They ignore the pictures, links, or memes you sent them. 
  5. They never text first and put no effort into getting the conversation going. 

These examples prove that someone is a dry texter and is not interested in texting. Still you must do your best, start avoiding these points, put some effort into your conversation, and try making it enjoyable. 

Signs your texting is turning dry 

Nobody likes to have boring conversations. If your convos are getting shorter day by day, it is one of the biggest signs that your texting is turning dry. Here are some points that show dry texting: 

  1. They take longer to respond to you than they usually do. 
  2. They have started texting short messages with no interest. 
  3. They have started ignoring texts about catching up, canceling plans last minute, avoiding facetime, and pretending they have no idea you are asking them to go out.  
  4. They send messages with low effort. 

These points prove that your texting is turning dry, and you need to put some effort into it! 

When it’s time to give up 

There comes a time when you need to decide, yes it’s not working, and now you should give up. 

Dating or texting is something you must have fun doing. But if it isn’t working or stressing you out, it’s time to give up. If you start feeling stressed out only because someone is not giving you proper attention to texts, you should move on and find something better to enjoy life. 

If they are not a good communicator, you need to limit your conversations and start meeting in-person to avoid stressful levels of texting. 

Bottom line 

Start having fun conversations and enjoy every part of them. This is how you stop taking texting so seriously, because the real world is out there. Texting is simply a way to connect with people, and it does not have to be a big part of your life. 

Go through all the tips given in the discussion, and you will get some idea on how not to be a dry texter. Do not overthink or hesitate over anything. Just pick your phone and make this a moment of your life.

You must try to have fun in your conversations, but do not forget that giving and taking respect is also very important. Take things slowly, give each other proper space and enjoy the conversation! 

I know the Life coaches and motivational gurus continuously keep us reminding the benefits of persistence. That you should keep pushing and pushing, that you should not give up! Not before you have reached your goal. I know, you have heard it all, already. I am not trying to “sell” you borrowed ideas here. Most importantly, I am not a life coach. I am just like you learning through my life experiences.

Here’s what I have realized about giving up is – you should never ever give up! 

Does that sound to you like a stubborn person speaking? Perhaps. But it’s okay. Here’s why –

If you want something, if you feel from your gut it’s meant for you, it means it’s meant for you. I’ll explain my point in a minute but first grip on this idea. If you have a strong desire to have something, it’s meant for you. Why? Because otherwise why would you desire it so much? Be it a job, a person, or anything else if you have a desire to have something, it’s meant for you!

But if you don’t make an attempt to reach your dream, if you try only half-heartedly, if you don’t believe that you deserve it, guess what? You won’t get it! If you give up, you lose the path that takes you where you were destined to reach.

Here’s why giving up is NOT an option:

1. It’s not about winning or losing – Life is not a game.  It’s not about “gaining” or “losing” something. There are things worth chasing because they shape our destiny. If you want something and you don’t try to get it, you do a big disservice to yourself. You are important. Aren’t you? So, why shouldn’t be your desires? It’s not to “win” something. Giving up is not an option because you are worthy enough to get what you want. You deserve your dreams.

2. It’s for the greater good – When you follow your heart not only do you satisfy yourself but others are also benefitted from your decision.

For instance, you want to become a journalist. If that’s your dream you should leave no stone unturned to become a journalist. It’s not because of the money involved or the popularity you might gain from coming into this profession. It’s because that’s your life purpose! And when you walk on your life path you are blessed with opportunities to grow as a person so much that you add value to the world! Everyone is benefitted when you refuse to settle and follow your dreams.

3. You evolve when you refuse to give up – When you follow the path of your dreams you learn a lot. You evolve into a new version that resonates with your dream life. Your mindset expands, your attitude changes, you become an altogether new person. And you can be proud of yourself seeing the path you have come across in reaching your goals.

4. The gut feeling is always right – Human intuition is a primitive source of infinite power. If you have a gut feeling about doing something you should absolutely go for it! Because your gut feeling is always right. From the beginning of our race, our gut feeling protects us, alarms us against any danger, or encourages us to do things meant for us. If you ignore your gut feeling, you are disrespecting the life force within you.

5. When you give up, you pass on your destiny to someone else – Imagine this. Someone else living in your dream home. Someone else doing your dream job. Someone else married to the man or woman you adore. All because you chose to give up! If you hesitate to claim your destiny someone else will surely accept it for themselves. Will you be then able to make peace with yourself? Will you not repent for not taking action for the rest of your life?

Why do people give up easily on their dreams and settle for less?

1. They don’t feel they are worthy – Because of our past conditioning, we have a set of limiting beliefs that prevent us to aim bigger in life. Often, people don’t understand it’s not someone else but they themselves are an obstacle on their path. If you subconsciously believe you are not worthy of a great career, you would never make a great career. If you subconsciously believe you don’t deserve love you will always block yourself from receiving love. This is true for any other areas of life, as well.

2. They are paralyzed by fear –  Our past hurts often comes in our way when we want to pursue our dreams. The bitter experiences in our lives want to prevent us to start afresh. Often we are scared to take a chance. What if we are hurt again if we try again?

3. They don’t want to move out of their comfort zone – When you want to achieve something bigger you have to be willing to move out of your comfort zone. Most people are afraid of doing that.

Most people keep doing things that are convenient because doing the inconvenient ones is hard.  It’s easy to curse your boss but stick in the same toxic work environment. Upskilling yourself for a new job is tough. If you want to be in a relationship with your crush you have to open your heart, you have to be vulnerable in front of them. This is what terrifies people so much they do not want to take a chance! It’s safer for them to keep their feelings to themselves than make a confession about it.

Most humans want to stay safe. That’s why they settle for less than what they deserve.

What to do when you decide NOT to give up?

1. Take action – This is a physical world where nothing happens if you don’t take any action. After you decide on what you want take immediate action towards it. If you want a job you might have to learn new skills for that. If you want to buy a house you have to start saving money. If you have a specific person in mind you have to make them understand they are special, that you care for them.

2. Work on your mindset – You don’t need to hire a coach to develop a positive mindset. You need to work on your mindset regularly. Practice positive affirmations, visualize your dream as if it’s real, associate with positive-minded people, be more grateful in life.

By the way, you should not be confused about this idea of not giving up. I have intended to highlight this concept in a positive light. By not giving up on your dreams means not sacrificing something you feel from within. It’s for your good not for placing yourself in any negative situation.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether to pursue or quit your dreams. Because this is your life, after all! But before giving up just ask yourself once how life would have looked like if you have pursued what you want. Because where you stand now and where you could reach if you don’t give up would be radically different. Isn’t it?

 

 

College acceptance season is one of the most stressful times in a high schooler’s life. It can be really disheartening to get rejected from every college too, but it doesn’t have to define you as a person and what kind of career path you would like to take!

I remember when I was a senior and college acceptance season came around. It felt like everyone else’s life had fallen into place, but mine hadn’t yet. There were so many things to think about – where would you go? Who will be your roommate? What if all the people that matter are at schools on opposite coasts of the country from each other?

And guess what? I didn’t think of those things. In fact, I didn’t apply to college. I graduated from high school with a 2.8 GPA, had over 100 absences, no extracurriculars, and hated school with a burning passion. I didn’t even take the SAT. 

The best part?

I graduated with my bachelors from UCLA, took a gap year after high school, worked, learned about myself and went to community college. From my experiences, I can honestly say sincerely that the things that I learned during that time were some of the best life lessons I could’ve gotten. 

I understand you’re feeling very sad right now for being rejected from every college. But I guarantee you that everything happens for a reason. What is meant for you will fall on your lap. 

Everyone’s path is different

You should never compare your path to the person next to you. You are a unique individual who is on an entirely unique journey than anyone else in this world, and that’s what makes you so special!

You’re not just any ordinary person on the street. We were put here by some divine force or universal energy for something specific: to make our own way through life as best we can while making it better along the way if possible; fulfilling whatever destiny awaits us at its end point – whether glorious or humble is completely up to fate, but there will always be more lessons learned because every day has new potential waiting around each corner of your life. 

Things you can do if you get rejected from every college you applied too:

You’re allowed to feel sad at first

The feeling of rejection is one that can be very hard to deal with. It’s ok if you feel sad, but don’t let it consume you or change your mindset about yourself.

The idea behind being rejected from every college you applied to may seem daunting at first glance; however, there are many reasons why this could happen and they’re all understandable as long as you keep your heads up high no matter what happens in life.

In fact, according to research, Top Universities see 30%+ Drop in Admissions Rates in 2021, elite colleges rejected college seniors more than ever before. It’s just another obstacle that you were faced with and honestly, you’re not alone. 

Go to Community College

Community colleges are a great option if you were rejected from every college that you applied to. They have smaller class sizes so professors can pay more attention and help students succeed with their studies. 

Community colleges also tend to be cheaper than four-year schools. That means it’s possible for some people who might otherwise not go to college at all to get the opportunity. 

They have great resources available for you and have great programs to transfer to a 4 year university. Community College is also great in terms of flexibility for you to research more professional opportunities as well. 

I wrote an entire guide on how I transferred from community college to UCLA here. 

Go to a Trade School

If you’re still determined to go through with getting an education and want some career guidance as well, as trade school is perfect! Trade schools offer students various hands-on courses which differ from traditional degree programs at four-year universities.

Even if it’s something you end up not pursuing in the future, you’re still earning a valuable skill that you will always have. 

Knowledge is power, and it’s up to you if you choose to use that knowledge.

The world needs people who will learn new things because even though not everything sticks with us right away, we might just need some of those skills someday – maybe for our job or as part of an emergency. 

Get a Job

You can always get a job to experience the working world and make some money before reapplying for school again in the future! You can either save that money or use it to pursue further interests. There is no better opportunity than now to put away small amounts, so you can take care of yourself later. 

I worked at Jamba Juice after high school. Although it was one of the toughest jobs I had, it taught me a lot. I learned that I never wanted to work in food service again (and I mean ever again). I also learned to be more empathetic towards customer service workers, whether it’s retail/food service or anything in between. 

Volunteer at places you’re interested in

Volunteering for a cause you care about is an easy way to feel better when you’re feeling down. You’ll be contributing your time and energy towards something that matters, which will make the world just a little brighter on days where it seems like everything has gone wrong.

There are tons of causes out there in need of volunteers and each person can do their part by spending some hours providing support. It’s important not to neglect yourself or wallow too much during this hard process – sometimes all we need is one simple act to remind us how loved we really are!

Take a gap year

Taking a gap year has been shown to be beneficial for many students in the past (including myself). It provides an opportunity to gain valuable life experience and explore what career you might want. 

You’ll get some much needed space from the life you’re living. This will give you lots of opportunities: hang out with old pals; explore new hobbies and make new memories. 

Travel

Being on the road after graduating is like a new adventure. I always tell people that they should leave their hometown for a little while–even if it’s just for a week. 

The feeling of being completely free brings about such an amazing energy that you can feel as soon as you step out your front door into totally unfamiliar territory. It reminds you of the endless possibilities.

Traveling has been incredible for my personal growth and development. If you’ve never had the experience of living away from home before, then it’s worth giving it a try because you’ll grow so much in ways that will shape who you become.

Bottom Line 

It’s not the end of the world. I promise. A couple of years from now, you’ll realize how much growth you did from this happening.

 If college is still something you want to pursue, they may accept you into a school that is more perfect for you (like it happened to me!).


That opportunity just hasn’t come yet. Now take some time to reflect and go out there and kill it when you are ready! I believe in you! Share what your plans are today!

Breakups are one of the worst things that can happen to any human. They make you feel weak, leave you insecure, and open the door for overthinking, which makes you question everything around you. 

All the cute texts, beautiful flowers, magical dinner dates, jokes that just the two of you understand, everything you were working together for, every lovely thing you both shared, and everything that you ever loved about your partner seems to go away. 

You keep forcing yourself to believe—it’s just a nightmare, and when you wake up the following day, everything would be back. But, all you’re left with, are thoughts and memories.

This is the point when people fall right into a negative loop, and their self-esteem starts to take a dive. One question that most often gets stuck with the new single is—What did I do wrong?

You’re not alone. 

Loving Yourself After A Breakup 

An end of a relationship is a phase full of negativity, self-doubt, denial, and self-loathing. Often, people feel tempted to cut themselves off from society and social media, spend their nights crying, looking at the mirror, and constantly reminiscing little things their ex said to them, all in an attempt to understand what went down. 

They use breakups as proof that they are unloveable, which is not true as breakups are just a normal part of life. But while grieving, many people tend to take the loss personally. This is why loving yourself after a breakup is a crucial step to healing. 

“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” — Ralph Blum. 

Although breakups can be hard to navigate, they help discover your pain points and where you’ve been abandoning yourself. Instead of finding out what might have gone wrong, choose to put your time and attention into someone who needs you more right now, that is ‘you.’ 

Below are ten self-love acts to begin loving yourself after a breakup.

1. Give yourself time to grieve 

We all struggle in our lives at some point. Most of us try to move away from the pain, as it is our natural response. But running from our problems, do not fix them. Instead, it brings more distress with time. The only thing that can work for the better is to feel. Feel the emotional pain you’re going through. 

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” — John Green. 

Try to stop seeing emotional pain, grief, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, stress, loss, or even depression as a threat or never-ending situation. Instead, you can try to learn more about these feelings, the wisdom they offer you, and the purpose they serve in your life. 

Pain is inevitable and necessary. 

No one can stop you from feeling something, and it is better to do so instead of repressing because repression will only cause breakouts, and the effects will be worse. It can possibly lead to a toxic relationship if you don’t take your time properly. Give your mind and body more time to grieve and accept reality. 

In the meantime, surround yourself with the people who understand you better, who listen to you, and realize what you’re going through. With time, you’ll get exhausted and run out of bad memories to remember and tears to shed. 

2. Accept that you’re not the ONLY reason for the breakup

It is imperative to understand and accept that you aren’t the only one responsible for the split. 

Toxic people have the tendency to make you believe that every single fight or disagreement that ever happened between you both was your sole fault. These are the kind of people who struggle to see their own role in the downfall. 

Even if you regret some things, relationships and breakups are a two-hand clap. Avoid getting caught up in thinking that things would have been different if you “didn’t say anything” or “didn’t talk about the things that affected you.” 

These situations are just mere parts of a complete relationship, and often people only think about the things they could have or should have done during the relationship. They forget to recall the times they made sacrifices to hold the bond together and the times they stopped an argument from becoming a huge fight. An end of a romantic relationship doesn’t define you.

If you fought until the very end to keep your relationship alive, be proud of yourself. You did your part, and if the other person isn’t willing to make things work out anymore, there’s no point in staying. 

You gave a lot to the relationship, and it’s time you stopped and gave yourself some credit. That’s step two to self-love! 

3. Get rid of your ex’s stuff, but remember the bad times

A great way to move on. If you still have your ex’s stuff safe with you, it is time to get rid of it. Yep, including the hoodie, you still sleep in. 

You do not have to burn these things, as getting rid of your ex’s stuff is not an attempt at revenge. The only goal is to remove any memories or reminders of someone who is no longer a happy part of your life. 

Simply put their stuff into a cardboard box and arrange an exchange or drop off, or you can donate it to charity. 

The reason behind this is that things often have memories attached to them. It would be best to cut off any possible future thoughts that might be triggered by having their stuff with you. 

“The actual process and ritual of cleaning and removing your ex’s belongings from your space can be cathartic,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director, and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.

Once you’re done with getting rid of your ex’s stuff, start remembering the bad times that your ex put you through. This may be difficult to do when you’re clearly missing them, but it is important to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. 

Instead, remind yourself of your ex’s toxicity and narcissism, closed-mindedness, inability to accept their mistakes, the energy they used to put in proving you wrong, and everything else. 

According to a small study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, thinking about your ex’s bad qualities can help you rip the “love feelings” off compared to giving their positive traits space. 

But do not spend too much time building hatred for your ex, as the goal is to start loving yourself after a breakup. Focus more on yourself and throw energy into something better—self-care, traveling, physical sports like cricket, or football, hanging out with new people, or whatever works for you. 

4. Set Healthy Boundaries 

Good things come to those who establish boundaries. You’re the one who gets to decide what comes, goes, and stays in your life. 

The memories of your ex that keep you trapped in the past, old toxic friends, things that remind you of the baggage of your past relationship, and the insecurities that took birth because of external factors, are all examples of things you can let go of. 

Create a larger space for yourself in your life where you feel better and confident. Set your own boundaries and learn to say “no” when it is necessary. Do things for yourself. Live for yourself. 

Now is the perfect time to find the self-love and body-positive strategies that work for you. Breakups are one of the most beautiful times to start being who you actually are—freely and without being sorry. 

But, this may not work if you’re lying to yourself about the pain and insecurities you’re experiencing. Never try to push your body and mind to work for the more significant cause if you aren’t ready. 

Instead of trying to distract yourself using food, drinking, smoking, and partying, sit down and listen to what your mind and body are actively craving. 

5. Affirmations, Encouragement, and Self-talk 

When affirmations are spoken with confidence daily, it can adjust your mind to trust what you’re saying.

There are both positive and negative affirmations, so be attentive about what you say to yourself every day. If you keep telling yourself that you’re ugly and nobody likes you, your mind will start to put that as a default, and you will start believing that, even when it’s not true. 

Likewise, if you tell yourself that you are beautiful, solid, and worthy and that you deserve the best, you will eventually start believing it. 

The negative side is often heavier than the positive one, so stop the negative self-talk first. This doesn’t mean you can never have negative emotions. We all get negative emotions, and it’s important not to let them stay forever. 

Feel the feels, and let it go. Below are some affirmations you should say to yourself on a daily basis: 

These affirmations are about accepting and loving yourself for who you are. They may not work overnight, but as you put the time and work on your mind, it will start changing the way it thinks.  

Building a new healthy habit takes time, and so would these affirmations. But they have the power to help you with loving yourself after a breakup. 

6. Go to Therapy 

A professional therapist can help support your mental health because it deserves good care, just like your physical health. If you’re in any kind of emotional pain or mental health concerns, therapy is recommended. 

Therapy does more than just offering support to your mental condition. In addition, it is an essential tool that can help you solve problems, set and accomplish goals, improve socializing skills, harness your real power and point it in the right direction. 

It can even teach you better ways to keep track of your emotions and stress levels. Therapy is one of the best ways to learn about your feelings and start loving yourself after a breakup. 

If you can’t find or afford a good therapist, you should try a therapy app like Moodfit or Talk Space. 

7. Self-compassion

When you were in a relationship, it was mostly about sharing things and ideas, selflessness, and working as a team to conquer the world. Now, it is time to be a little selfish, independent, and unleash your real self. 

Self-compassion defines the ability to show love, effort, understanding, commitment, and acceptance to yourself. It simply asks you to turn inward the flow of care you typically put forward for others. 

Self-compassion is a bond of three key elements: 

All you have to do is let these three key elements in your life, so you can build self-compassion and move forward for your own betterment. Self-compassion can offer you greater happiness, stronger resilience, increased motivation, and better physical and mental health. 

8. Call your Friends 

Reaching out to the people you love can be the best way to start loving yourself after a breakup, especially your best friend.  

Being able to talk about your feelings, the breakup, things that move through your mind day & night, and your current mental and emotional state with someone who listens to you carefully and cares about you can help you feel supported. Focus on the healthy relationships you have in your life.

This kind of friendship can be incredibly nourishing. 

Ensure you talk about more things around you rather than just your ex. It is found that people who excessively talk about their ex can slow down the healing process because the more they talk about a certain thing, the more headspace it occupies. 

9. Hang out with your loved ones 

Spending time with the people you love can also be remarkably refreshing. It can help you get out of seclusion (the state of being private and away from other people), which can stall your growth progress. 

You must ask your close friends or a family member directly to hang out like, “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night? I’m going through a breakup and could use your support and company at the moment.” 

Never fall into an assumption that nobody cares for you. Your friends love you and care for you, but they are not aware of what exactly is going inside your head. So, you can hint them into the fact that you need some care, love, and time together so that they can be there for you! 

10. Do things that release fun, excitement, and healthy energy

You can do a million things, like fun games, new healthy habits, energetic activities, group video calls, friendly outings, etc. Such things are found to release dopamine in your body. Dopamine refers to a happy hormone which means feeling enchantment. 

Here some things you can do to start loving yourself after a breakup: 

You probably fantasized (sexually and nonsexually) a lot about your ex when you were in a relationship. Maybe the fantasies were limited to bed, or you mapped out the next five years of your life, including a marriage with them. Maybe you even decided the names of your babies together.

Regardless, it is found that reading things that engage your “fantasizing muscle” can be a fun way to create new exciting thoughts that do not involve your ex. Reading erotica can help you feel chillingly good, and if you do not know where to start, “Literotica” is one of the great treasure troves of the internet. 

If you’re looking for an easy way to lift yourself whenever you feel low, start listening to good music. Do not go after worldwide famous songs. Instead, spend time listening to random music and figuring out the kind of lyrics that drive you the most. 

It is shown in various studies that music can boost your mood, fend off depression. It can even lower your levels of stress-related hormones like cortisol, improve your blood flow, and ease the pain. 

Breakups are a major emotional event that can cause people to lose themselves. One way of regaining this lost sense? Start getting active again and do things for yourself! We even have an how to date yourself.

After an intense time like breaking up with someone, it’s easy for your self-esteem to take a hit. But the best thing you can do is get back into doing physical activities – because they’ll make you feel so much better about yourself in no time at all!

When you’ve reached the end of the relationship and taking the first step towards loving yourself after a breakup, I don’t recommend going on dating apps just yet. It’s important to take a period of time for yourself and focus on other things. You have the rest of your life to go on dating apps and do whatever you wish with your free time. However, it’s important (especially after a bad breakup) that you focus on your personal growth and the kind of person you want to be before you enter the dating scene or a new relationship.

Bottom Line 

Being single is normal. Makeups are normal. Hookups are normal. Relationships are normal, and so are breakups. Please do not give a breakup more than the time and energy it deserves. It’s a mere part of your life, a sad one, and it shall pass. 

Here’s a poem for people who just went through a heartbreak and cannot find the right ways to start loving themselves after a breakup. 

“There are stars you haven’t seen 

and loves you haven’t loved

there’s light you haven’t felt 

and sunrises yet to dawn 

there are dreams you haven’t dreamt 

and days you haven’t lived 

and nights you won’t forget 

and there is more to you 

that you have yet to know.”

It may not be easy to start loving yourself after a breakup, but these 10 real-life acts will get you on the path of self-love. If you have something to share about how you started loving yourself after a breakup, feel free to let us know in the comment section. makes you question everything around you. 

All the cute texts, beautiful flowers, magical dinner dates, jokes that just the two of you understand, everything you were working together for, every lovely thing you both shared, and everything that you ever loved about your partner seems to go away. 

You keep forcing yourself to believe—it’s just a nightmare, and when you wake up the following day, everything would be back. But, all you’re left with, are thoughts and memories.

This is the point when people fall right into a negative loop, and their self-esteem starts to take a dive. One question that most often gets stuck with the new single is—What did I do wrong?

Learning how to emotionally detach from someone is not easy.


Imagine this

A soothing breeze touches your skin and gives a gentle shiver to the senses. At the same time, the wind is flailing your hair, and the weather is impressive to go outside. Look! The tiny sprinkles of water have started dropping from the clouds, too. 

BUT, you are not quite well and shouldn’t go outside because it may give you a cold, and this is the reason you DETACH yourself from the beautiful nature that’s calling you out.

couple going to bed having problems

Sometimes, leaving behind what isn’t good for you is the best thing you do for yourself— even if it provides you comfort, fulfilment, and stagnancy.  

I know detaching yourself from someone/something is difficult, but it’s not impossible. At the end of the day, you cannot live in an unhealthy relationship or with a toxic family member forever. If it’s hurting you mentally or physically— you must let go of them for your mental peace and health. 

However, it’s never as easy as it sounds— letting go of someone is the most challenging thing humans have to go through. 

Being with someone can make us addicted to them. It is almost impossible to give the cold shoulder to the person we are obsessed with or have lived with for centuries. 

So, what to do when you are hurting physically or mentally because of someone you have known all your life and someone you cannot just cut off? There’s no easier answer than ‘detaching yourself from the said person.’

What Is Attachment?

It doesn’t purposefully mean forgetting your family/partner/materialistic goods. No, detachment doesn’t ask you to completely let go of school, family, materials, friends, or anything. It simply asks you to detach yourself from attachment. 

scissors cutting a string

Confusing, isn’t it? Well, imagine this—

“You loved your partner immensely— you wanted to shower them with love and affection, and it was pure. However, their existence soon became the reason behind your own happiness. Nothing else mattered, not your own happiness, career, or choices— all that mattered was your partner’s happiness and their choices.” 

“You would let go of things you enjoyed just because your partner didn’t like it because you were scared that they would leave you behind. If they left, there would be nothing left for you.”

That’s attachment—when you align your existence/happiness with others— when you hold onto them even when you don’t want to.

It’s a universal truth; the attachment will lead to suffering. Why? Because nothing is permanent, things/people you are attached to now will have to leave someday.

That’s not all; attachment will also make it difficult for you to let go of people who hurt you, discourage you, give you anxiety and stress. 

What Is Detachment?

Detachment has many meanings. In general, detachment or de-attachment means separation or a process of disconnecting.

Detachment will lead to freedom. You will appreciate and enjoy the present, but you will know when to let go!

woman loving herself

In Bhagavad Gita Chapter 6, Krishna says-

“Detachment isn’t about you own nothing; it’s about nothing owns you.”

Whether it’s your family, friends, or a serious relationship— it’s essential to maintain boundaries before enslaving yourself to their choices. 

You need to understand, you are a whole person and nobody’s half. To love others, you must love yourself first, truly and completely. 

A toxic relationship will be demanding and burdening. Your partner/family will try to put you into guilt to have their ways. Before you give in, ask yourself, ‘if this demand was accurate?’

Trust me, demands are never accurate. If your family/relationship constantly demands or expects things from you, they are not healthy for you! A relationship/family is for sharing happiness, emotions, and healthy co-existence. You don’t owe anyone anything, neither your parents nor your partner.

If they make you guilty or throw high expectations at you, let them go!

What Is Emotional Detachment?

Many people misunderstand emotional detachment as something that detaches you from worldly goods and emotions. They would ask you to completely disconnect from sources that bring raw emotions out of you. 

However, as humans, we would never want to truly detach ourselves from everything and every source that brings out emotions within us. Complete detachment from emotions will make our lives dull and mute— something nobody would wish for. 

woman hiding from past traumas

In simple language, emotional detachment allows us to disconnect from people/sources that bring us traumas, constant mental and physical pain, depression and hurt. 

Every relationship will have its ups and downs; you will get angry or sad/happy because of their actions. It is natural for relationships to have fights and disagreements— emotions balance out relationships. 

Relationships become toxic when they seize your personal growth, happiness, success, and especially your freedom. Sooner or later, such kinds of relationships will suffocate you and lead to depression. 

If you are dealing with such family members/partners who are constantly snatching away your mental peace. In that case, you need to detach from that person emotionally. 

Why Is Emotional Detachment Necessary?

To breathe freely, you must break through those chains that hold you back and hurt you in the process. Even if we end that painful relationship or move away from a particular family member, our emotional attachment makes us yearn for them and worry about them. 

The thought of losing our love is what makes us sleepless at night. Being cheated and deceived by the love of your life is unbearable, I know. 

woman cutting off her engagement

To truly let go, you must understand your self-worth and how wrong those people were to you.

Giving your everything to the person you love is fantastic. Still, if that person is funding your anxieties and sufferings, it is wise to step out from that bond.

Maturity teaches us to love ourselves fully; then only can we love another being. I know some people hesitate to take this decision, and it may sound selfish. But, no! Prioritize yourself! In these situations, it is prevention and not insensitive behavior.

Detaching or separating from the unfair situation, people, or relationships at the right time can save many things.

  1. It stabilizes your mental peace and aids your brain to work peacefully.
  2. One can learn that not everything can be controlled the way they want.
  3. Being consumed with “what-if” thoughts can lead to turmoil in mind, and detachment aids in attaining peace of mind.
  4. Detaching from an inappropriate relationship also helps you choose the right partner without surrendering a belief in love on an emotional level.
  5. It also teaches empathy to other people’s feelings without endangering their sentiments.
  6. You choose freedom over toxicity. 
  7. You save yourself from further depression, anxiety, and emotional traumas.
  8. You pursue self-growth, self-love, and self-importance. Other’s words or actions will no longer affect you. 

What Causes Emotional Detachment?

Let not past relationships or traumas scare you away from a healthy relationship. While practicing emotional detachment, it’s also necessary to understand the difference between toxic relationships and healthy ones. 

woman being told to shut up

A healthy relationship will bring positivity, energy, and growth. 

Involuntary emotional detachment is dangerous because you are stumped with fear and past events. 

Thus, it’s essential to differentiate people. You don’t have to disconnect from the world to detach from that one one specific person. Simply remove that toxic person, and you will find that the world is still beautiful. It was these people who turned it ugly. 

The questions still linger: 

Trust me, when you accept the fact that these people are bad for you is the time you can truly move on and let go of them. 

Please note: Voluntarily rehearsing the art of detachment will be fruitful. But if certain events or medications make you emotionally numb, I would suggest consulting a doctor or a therapist.

What is the correct time to detach from someone?

This is, without a doubt, the most crucial question and action. Despite all the awful things that have happened, many are still attached to their feelings for their partner. However, you should take the initiative and take a step forward. What are the clues for you? 

How to efficiently let go of toxic people from life? 

Letting go feels like freedom, and it takes a ton of bravery to achieve such liberation. It’s crucial to understand why you want to detach from this relationship or family member. 

Most of the time, people are aware that they are in a toxic relationship, affecting their mental health. They still continue to live in that toxic environment.

Don’t be that person, please!

happy woman giving hearts

1. Don’t Fear Changes. 

Breaking up doesn’t resolve the situation. You would still yearn for their presence and fake affection after their dispersal. It’s human nature to resist and undo changes. Changes make us uncomfortable, so many people choose not to break up. 

So, before you start, remind yourself, “Whatever happens, happens for a reason.” 

As mainstream as it might sound, chances are good for you, and they will open new relationship opportunities and freedom. 

2. Forgive, but don’t forget. 

We are taught to forgive and empathise with people who have done wrong to us countless times. Of course, forgiving helps us move on.

However, forgiving doesn’t equate to accepting them back in the relationship. 

Forgive and move on! Forgiveness will help you get rid of grudges and anger. On the other, ‘not forgetting their actions’ will help you move on! 

3. Stick To Your Reasons

It’s essential to remind yourself why you chose to let go of this person. Especially when you have tried to talk things out a hundred times without visible changes. 

4. Choose mental health before a toxic partner.

You would inevitably want to go back to your partner/family. Instead of focusing on them, focus on what’s more to your life. In a relationship, we often combine their goals and happiness with ours. It’s time that you solely focus on yourself and live life as a whole individual. 

It’s 100% more difficult to let go of your family, you grew up with them, and they brought you into this world. But giving birth and owning you are two different things. 

Parents often use emotional blackmailing to stop you from getting away, giving birth to hatred. Don’t forget, they gave you birth to live, not to be burdened by chains, rules, regulations, and expectations. Prioritize yourself and put your happiness and choices first. 

If your parents don’t align with your preferences, try to make them understand. However, if they don’t and use violence to put you down— distance yourself from them. 

5. It Takes Time, So Give Yourself Enough Time To Move On

Of course, we cannot forget and move on just like that. Healing, forgiving, and moving on takes time. So, make sure you give yourself enough time and not fall into the same turmoil. 

Often, we melt listening to our partners’ fake lies. Don’t fall for those rainbows. Your rainbows lie in freedom and growth— not in their beautiful cage. 

6. Block them completely: 

Block their number, social media accounts, and their presence. 

This is indeed the very first step to help yourself forget that individual. The more you see their activities, the harder it gets. Even if you hold negative feelings towards them, you are still engrossed with them in a way. 

So, let go of that anger and forgive them. 

7. Do what you like

Yes! Do whatever you like and whatever your partner kept you from trying. It can be dance, paint, yoga, learning an instrument, fashion, studies, etc. Please do it! Studies prove that these activities help you feel good about yourself, boost confidence, and help you to overcome negativity.

8. Acknowledge what happened

Forget “What ifs”! 

Nothing could have changed their actions, trust me! It was necessary to let go! 

9. Spend time with f&f: 

group of people enjoying their time

Enjoying with friends and families can also help you from fretting about your ex. The better you feel, the more your mind focuses on the positive aspects. The happier you become, the stronger you eliminate negativity.

10. Try affirmations: 

Many studies have proven the power of affirmation. You can manifest whatever you want to— trust me, we have that power. 

So, affirm 

11. Hope for the best: 

When my heart broke, I got detached from everyone around me. This invited negativity, and I started missing my ex even more. But as soon as you believe that you deserve better and that everything happens for a reason— things will turn out to be all in favor.

12. Please focus on the future. 

This is the most cliché advice we listen to. However, I advise you to write down all the traits you want in your future partner, and this will help you focus more on the future than the past. 

Don’t just plan your future partner, but also design your future goals, dreams, and present days. 

13. Throw away the fantasy

Don’t live in the future fantasies. We often try to cheer ourselves up by reminiscing about the beautiful time spent with our ex-es. This unintentionally makes us hold on to our partners. The good times were in the past. Stop fantasizing. Do you know what the best part is? There are better times ahead of us— more beautiful, pretty, and cheerful. 

14. Abandon the memories

We cannot live and exist in the memories; we have to live in the present. The present may seem painful at the moment, but they are preparing us for better times. 

“Destruction gives birth to beauty.”

So, everything might seem dark and dead, but good times await you! That’s for sure!

15. Prioritize yourself

Prioritizing yourself is the best and most effective way to let go of toxicity. Think about the bad things that happened in the past and how you overcame them; meet new people, experience unusual things, and do what you always wanted to do. 

Conclusion

Detachment is not as easy as removing the posts with your ex from Instagram. Instead, it’s an ongoing process. 

But when you prioritize yourself, you realize your worth. The moment you accept that this person doesn’t own you or hold any power in your life, you will achieve the path of happiness. 

Fall in love with yourself ultimately; only then can you provide all the love to your partner & yourself.

It’s an important lesson we all should take classes from. If you were here for help, I hope this helped you! Remember! You deserve more than you even think! You are amazing. Smile!

No one said that life after a break up would be easy. In fact, it can be one of the most challenging times in someone’s life. When you invest your time and love into someone and it doesn’t work out, it can leave you with a lot of negative feelings. You could end up feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless about life and overall decrease your self-esteem. This makes finding motivation to move on after a break up an extremely difficult task. 

It can leave you skeptical about whether you will ever find the person you’re supposed to be with. It can also leave you in shock, because you were so set on spending the rest of your life with this person and suddenly you have to find the motivation to move on.

You forget who you were before you were with this person. You suddenly find yourself lost and unable to navigate your day because your life has completely shifted. Not only do you have to deal with all the responsibilities that come with your everyday life, you have to deal with them while feeling sad.

The worst part is that you see everyone around you just living their lives while yours suddenly stopped.

Despite it being a difficult transition, you should look at it as a positive thing. Honestly, you’re not alone.  According to research, 64% of Americans have gone through the break up of a long-term relationship.

Everything truly happens for a reason, and just because this relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean your life is over. It only means that there’s someone better out there for you that is supposed to stay in your life.

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

–Marilyn Monroe

While you may only focus on the things you liked about this person, you guys broke up for a reason. That reason should never be ignored. Truth is if the relationship was “perfect” the way you’re describing it right now in your brain, you wouldn’t be feeling this way at the moment.

Reasons Couples Break up in the First place

  1. You don’t feel love for your partner anymore.
  2. Lack of trust and communication
  3. You want to live a different life than the one you’re living with your significant other.
  4. It doesn’t feel like an equal partnership anymore and it’s making both of you miserable.
  5. You don’t feel like yourself in while you’re in this relationship
  6. Isolation from friends and Family
  7. Jealousy turning into controlling behavior
  8. The relationship is toxic, and it’s not letting you grow as a person.

Whatever the circumstance may be, and no matter how positive the change may be. It doesn’t change how difficult it is to find motivation to move on after the break up.

You can still care a lot about someone and it still may not the person you’re supposed to end up with and that’s okay.

Your feelings are still valid and should not be taken lightly. You should, however, learn from your mistakes and become a better person based on the lessons that were learned from your experiences.

Does this happen overnight?

Absolutely not. However, time heals all wounds and I know you’re more than capable of going through the necessary steps to heal. You wouldn’t have opened up this article if you weren’t ready to take control of your life and move on.

Here are some steps you can take if you’re struggling with motivation to move on after a break-up:

1) Be Honest With Yourself

“Pain makes you stronger, fear makes you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser.”

— Drake

Many people give the advice that when you break up with someone you should stay busy and do as many activities as possible to forget about the person. Although,  that’s partly true, you should also be honest with yourself and process your emotions in a healthy matter rather than trying to ignore them.

If you don’t deal with your emotions right away, they will come back stronger. Take the time you need to process what happened. Don’t go out and jump into trying to meet someone new or distract yourself with temporary people. Work on yourself.

If you’re feeling so drained that it’s hard to even think, this is a sign that something needs to change. Often what we need in those moments are motivation and help from others.

Ask for help if you need it from close friends or family members. Surround yourself with people that you know are genuine and care about you.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to people who you’re close with about how you’re feeling, then you should consider joining a support group. It may sound dumb, but there’re hundreds of people going through the same thing you are. Joining a support group could help you be more open about how you’re feeling and could help heal some of your wounds knowing you’re not alone.

Give it time, and eventually the pain will lessen. Try to be patient with yourself as well! You’ve been through so much already, don’t overload yourself by trying all these things that everyone else says you should do. You should always be honest with yourself and understand how you’re feeling.

2) Find Your Purpose Outside Of The Relationship

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

— Socrates

Do what makes you happy! Start doing things that you stopped doing because of your relationship. Get back to your hobbies!  Or you can reinvent yourself and start doing things that you have never done before.

Take time for yourself by doing something new and fun that doesn’t involve your ex. This could be anything from taking up dance classes, going on trips to places you’ve never been before, or learning a new language!

Trying new things can be very rewarding. It will give you a sense of independence and make you feel capable of doing anything you want alone. Stop waiting around for others to do things that you want to do. Find a way to do them without waiting on anyone.

The important thing is that you are doing things for yourself. Finding motivation to move on after a break up can become very simple when you realize you’re finding the motivation to better yourself.

If you find motivation to move on after your break up by doing these things, you’ll want to keep doing more activities and find purpose outside of the relationship.

If you’re not in the mood to do tremendous activities yet, start by doing minor changes or find time to give back to others. ex. volunteering or donating to charity. It doesn’t take much time and can help make you feel better in the long run.

3) Develop Good Habits


“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” 
– Walter Anderson


The most important thing is that every activity you meant to better yourself becomes a habit. You can find pleasure with doing things like decorating your room, developing a skin care routine, and starting to implement a morning yoga routine

Maybe there’s some things in your life that you want to change but haven’t. A big part of staying happy is to make changes in your life. These new habits will become routine and eventually successful. Doing the same things over and over won’t make you happy, but doing something different that improves your quality of life would!  

I personally started eating healthier as a result of my break up (after a couple stress eating days of course). It made me feel good knowing that I was practicing being the best version of myself possible and slowly started incorporating other healthy habits around my life. 

4) Stop Stressing about What Could’ve Been

I’m more interested in the future than in the past, because the future is where I intend to live.

– Albert Einstein

It’s natural to be sad and down after a break up but it’s also important to learn how not to feed into your sadness.

“The past is in the past. It’s best to let it stay there.”

A lot of people find themselves going back into a cycle, trying to heal their wounds by reliving old memories and behaviors that have hurt them before. You can’t change what happened, but you do not need any more pain welling up inside your heart.

Instead, focus on how much better your life is when you focus on yourself.

It’s often tempting to think about what you would’ve done differently, but it will not change anything. It’s like beating yourself up for something that happened in the past all over again. These kinds of negative feelings are not what you should be focusing on.

Forgive yourself and let go of thoughts on what could have been. Those things didn’t happen for a reason.

5) Put On A Strong Face And Do What You Need To Do



I am going to be happy. I’m going to smile a lot. And I’m going to be easy. I am going to count my blessings. I’m going to look for reasons to feel good.  And I’m going to dig up positive things from the past. Plus I’m going to look for positive things where I stand. And I’m going to look for positive things in the future. It is my natural state to be a happy person. It’s natural for me to love and to laugh. I am a happy person. 
– Abraham Hicks

It is important not to wallow in self-pity and fear. If you choose to act with guilt, fear, or pain after a break up, then, in the long term, these feelings will make it less likely for you to move on with your life. It can be difficult at times, but focusing on positive thoughts is the best way.

Block him/her on all of your social media sites. Don’t stalk them. It will benefit you so much more once you see that they’re no longer around. Stalking them to see how they are doing will only make you feel worse. Also, please don’t be friends with your ex (at least right away), take that time to yourself. 

You’re gonna feel so much more growth once you treat this breakup in a mature manner. Doing this will prove that you are capable of processing your emotions and understand what the best for you is. 

You are the driver of your life and future. YOU deserve to live the best imaginable life, letting no one make you feel like you’re not capable of improving your life. We even have a whole article on how to date yourself.

Let this break up be the beginning of your new life, the life you deserve to live, explore and enjoy.

We all have hard times but if you stay positive, finding motivation to move on after your break up will only make you a stronger person.

Focus on things that are important to you. Your career, your health, your family should all be things you should be prioritizing. Level up from where you were before.

I’ve always been a fan of writing down what I want to achieve. This not only helps me keep track, but it also gives my mind something more tangible than just hoping and wishing for these things to happen. Try setting some goals that are attainable so you know where you need to focus your efforts!

Bottom Line:

It can be tough to find motivation to move on after a break up, but people do it every day. It may take you a month, 6 months, a year. There will be a point where you will think about the person and you will suddenly feel nothing.

That moment of realization will make you feel so powerful.

Remember, while going through this process of healing and self reflection, it’s important that you’re honest with yourself and know what’s best for the both of you;

1) Be honest with how you’re feeling

2) Find your purpose outside of the relationship so you don’t feel like all your time is taken up by someone else;

3) Don’t stress about what could have been- whether good or bad—and instead focus on doing whatever will make YOU happy in this moment;

4) Put on a strong face and push through the hard times.

There’s no doubt in my mind that you can do this. After you find the motivation to move on after a break up, you’ll realize how capable you are to do whatever you want out of your life.

What are some ways that you’ve found motivation to move on after a break up? Let me know!

Everyone experiences a time in their life where they feel lost and unsure about what to do with it. This is often referred to as the “twenties”.It’s hard to know what you want out of life when you’re feeling lost in your 20s.

You’re just starting your career, trying to find yourself, and questioning the choices you’ve made so far in life that have led up to this point. Because there are too many alternatives available, it can be overwhelming and feel like there is no way out.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my friends about how we’re feeling this way. We’re not sure if we want to go back to school, what careers are out there for us, or even what the point is of doing anything at all. 


It’s almost as if society has set this expectation that once you graduate college, you’ll be successful. This is the time where this imaginary happily ever after begins. But then reality kicks in and it becomes clear that life doesn’t work like that for everyone. 


So today I’m here to tell you guys some things just so you know – it’s totally okay to feel lost right now! Here are 16 tips you should follow if you’re feeling lost in your 20s.

Be Proud of your Accomplishments


Don’t let anyone make you feel small. You have come a long way and accomplished so many things- don’t forget that!

I know sometimes we can feel like our accomplishments aren’t really anything special. However, that couldn’t be farther from the truth!

You should never forget exactly how much effort went into making each one of these moments happen because they matter too- not only how you made them possible, but how you can take your accomplishments as tools to better yourself for the future.

It only shows what kind of potential is in store for you. Each one brings you closer and more, ready for what’s coming.

Being Lost isn’t a Bad Thing

The feeling of being lost is a complex emotion. We are faced with the fear that we will never find our way out, and this paralyzes us into inaction.

It’s easy to think that because you don’t know where you’re headed that the only world available is a dark and dreary one. It can be difficult to see past your fears of failure or loneliness when everything seems bleak around you.

But if we just squint our eyes for a moment- take off those rose-colored glasses -you’ll find yourself faced with an endless variety of possibilities. 


There’s also an element of freedom in not knowing where to go next, and that’s exciting. 

Don’t let your College Major limit your Options


You may think that your college degree will only make you eligible for certain jobs, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

According to a 2013 study conducted by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York,only 27 percent of college graduates landed a job closely related to their major. 

Nowadays, there is such a wide variety of industries and businesses hiring employees with any degree in mind. 

All this means for someone looking into their future job prospects at graduation from university or high school is they should be prepared not just for one field — but multiple fields—to enter after finishing their education!

Reflect on your Relationships with People

Relationships are a two-way street. They’re not just about what you get out of them, they also need to be beneficial to the other person in order to work properly. This is because relationships require reciprocity and partnership that can only happen when both parties feel like their needs have been met.

Reflect on your relationships with people. It’s time to make some tough decisions about what is really important for you in the future and break off unhealthy or unsupportive connections that are holding you back from reaching your full potential.  

Ask yourself which ones you should maintain for their benefits to you and those around them versus cutting off contact with people who may not be entirely beneficial to your well-being.

This is an important part of living a happy lifestyle – do consider how some individuals fit into this category more than others!

Don’t follow a Path That isn’t Yours. Stop debating, Start doing.


If you don’t like the life you’re living right now, change it.

“You never know what’s going to happen until you do it.”


Nike’s famous slogan is simple, yet so profound. Just as Nike encourages us to stop thinking about doing something and start actually doing it because we’ll never really know how successful or unsuccessful the outcome will be before trying. I want each of you reading this message now not even just think about taking action, but take actual steps in order for your dreams to come true!

You deserve to be happy. Create your own path in life and make it the best one for you.

Don’t let others tell you what to do with your life. 

The real point is that life and success are about taking risks- don’t just go down one path with all this other time left you have. Stop debating what could’ve been had you taken different chances; start doing those things now while there’s still so much more opportunity than regret.

Spend Time Alone. Talk to yourself.

Spending time to yourself can seem scary. You may have no idea what you’ll do, and it’s almost inevitable that at some point in your day you will feel bored or restless.

However, spending time for yourself is necessary if you hope to grow as an individual, especially if you’re feeling lost in your 20s. Our thoughts are constantly being pulled this way and that by the demands of others: employers demand our focus on deadlines; family members want us around when they need someone else who understands them; friends expect updates and time to talk.


Even though it seems like there won’t be enough hours in life for all these competing priorities, taking care of oneself should always come first.


This type of self-reflection is a good way to get in touch with your inner self and can help you clarify what types of things are important to you. It will also help you gain clarity about life decisions that need making.

It gives you some time to think about what makes you happy.

Have a Mentor

The exhilarating experience of having a mentor when you’re feeling lost in your 20s may never be forgotten.

When you’re an ambitious young professional, it’s exciting to have someone offer guidance and support as you navigate the world of work for the first time. Mentors are often people who’ve been there before — they know what can help or hinder your career path based on their own experiences – which is why working with one during this pivotal stage will not only propel but also shape how successful things turn out later down the line!

 It can also help you shape healthy habits that you will keep as you get older. 

Take the New Opportunities

Try something completely different that could open your eyes to an entirely new way of life or perspective on how we approach our personal goals every day. It will help make all those long days worth it instead of being left with regret for not taking any chances at all!

I also encourage people to leave their hometown even if it’s just for a bit. It’s okay to refresh yourself and begin a new life. 

Sometimes that’s all you need when you’re feeling lost in your 20s. 

You are unique and so is your Journey

There are so many ways to be unique in this world! We all have our own passions, pursuits and journeys. Stop comparing yourself to the things you’ve done with other people – remember that your journey is always going to be just yours. 

You’re a one-of-a kind person, with experiences of your own making.

The only person who can do what you’re doing is YOU. Don’t ever forget that or feel like you’re not doing enough compared to the person next to you. 

Explore More

Travel is a great way to refuel and explore life. Seeing new things, meeting different people, learning about their cultures – all of these are part of the adventure.


If you’re not up for living on your own yet or just want some more time away from home before making those big leaps into adulthood, then go backpacking. 


Sure, it’s tough sometimes, but nothing worth doing ever comes easy, so don’t be afraid to get out there and see what this world has in store for you. 


It might open doors that would have otherwise never been crossed at any other point in your life, as well as give you memories you’ll cherish forever.

Don’t Give Yourself a Strict Timeline

I know everyone thought they would be living with their husbands and kids by the time they were 25, but that was back in high school. Nowadays, you have to think about what kind of life you want before settling down into one place forever because anything can happen at any time, so don’t limit your happiness based on age or milestones like babies and houses!

You’re never too young or old to achieve the goals that you have in mind. Always remember to go after what you want. 

Take a step back 

For those of us who are always on the go, it can be easy to forget that life is what you make it. When you’re in a hurry and feeling frazzled some days, take a second to step back and ask yourself if this new endeavor will really have an impact on your happiness—or just more stress?

How many times have we seen someone who rushes into something not thinking about how much better off he or she would be if they only took a moment? I don’t mean to sound like your parents when you were little asking “are you sure”, but are YOU absolutely certain about going forward with this idea? Take one second – literally one second – look at yourself on both sides of the decision-making process and ask: Do I want this? 

It’s important not only to follow your gut but also to remember why you wanted something from the beginning. Learn to pause. 

Take some time to stop making decisions out of fear. Always trust yourself first – don’t let anyone talk you into something just because they’re trying too hard; do what makes sense from within. 

Stop caring about what others think


When it comes to life’s choices, everyone is entitled to make their own decisions. However, many people let the opinions of others influence what they do and how they behave in certain situations. It can be hard for some people not to care about what others think – but you have a choice whether this bothers you!


Many individuals feel that society pressures them into making specific lifestyle decisions based on social expectations rather than personal desires or needs. They also feel obligated by societal norms because “everyone else does.” But with all these thoughts circling your head at one time—conforming versus standing out from the crowd; being true to yourself versus going along with something just so someone won’t judge us unfairly is always the winner.



But in all honesty, who cares what people think? They’re not living your life. You don’t even like these people, so what’s stopping you from doing what you truly want to do?

Have you thought the reason why you may be feeling lost in your 20s is because you’re living the life everyone expects you to live and not the one you want?

Fake it till you make goes a long way 

If you’re feeling lost in your 20s, think about the life you want. 

One of the most difficult things is starting a new project. You have to go through all the motions and make it look like you’ve been doing this for years. It doesn’t matter if your first attempts are not successful, but that may be because people don’t understand how hard it can be at times.

I think sometimes we just need to fake it until we become confident enough in ourselves. Then, eventually one day our confidence turns into skill. Just by acting as though something was natural or easy when really there’s so much going on underneath might feel foolish. However, waiting around never works either-we should do what feels right. 

Everything happens for a reason (if you’re upset about something not working out- don’t be) 

In life, it’s important to realize that there’s always a silver lining. If you are upset about something not working out the way you want them to- don’t be! From my own experience and from what I’ve seen in others’ lives too, things happen for certain reasons. It may seem like an unfortunate event at first glance but trust me, everything happens for a reason— if we just take time (or sometimes many years) enough to see why bad things happened in our lives then eventually they will all make sense someday; good or bad.

There will always be something in store better for you. What is meant for you will fall in your laps.

Don’t Give Up  

The best word of advice I can give to someone if you’re feeling lost in your 20s. You absolutely do not give up.  

Quitting is for losers. Determination and persistence are the keys to success in this world. If you want something bad enough, then go after it with everything you can. One day when that dream comes true you will know without a doubt how hard work pays off. 

Bottom Line

It can be hard to see the light at the end of a tunnel. It’s easy as adults who’ve been through life before us tell you that things will work out in their own time and just keep going. But when we’re feeling lost for so many reasons, like not knowing what career path is best suited for your personality or if there even are any careers with high pay but low stress levels, how can we not feel the pressure?

Well then suddenly being told “it’ll all work itself out” doesn’t feel comforting anymore . This is because deep down inside you’re feeling worse when someone says that. All you want to do is lay in bed and do nothing. 

I believe that you have a beautiful life to look forward to, full of happiness and career moves that you would’ve never thought would happen.


You’re just being a little impatient (which is fair!) But trust and believe that something must be wrong if you’re not feeling lost in your 20s. Everyone goes through it. I believe you’ll push through and find exactly what you are looking for. Share your thoughts today!

Two Blackbirds shelter in the cherry blossom tree, hiding from the snow. I wonder what they say to one another as they fluff their feathers to keep warm.

Two robins hop around the bread on the floor, cocking their heads to one side as if listening to some silent orchestra. Maybe they can hear the snow sing, providing them with entertainment whilst they eat their meal.

Over on the fence a squirrel is eating seeds keeping to himself as a door opens and nuts get thrown to him. The snow begins to really fall, big snowflakes each with their own intricate patterns fall and hit the ground as a Woodpecker flies elegantly down, touching the white earth. He proudly flashes his crest of red as I wonder what he’s doing. Is he looking for food to take home to his lady?

Open the door and a worldly vision awaits but the door is stuck by the weight of the snow. I had only closed the curtains for a few hours and the White Queen took this as her chance to powder the earth with no one around to see. She lovingly covers the land with all her glitter and diamonds travelling silently. She is preparing the earth for Springs gift of flowers because for a while, the earth needs to sleep.

A 30-year-old woman lives alone in a cramped apartment with her cats and un-ironically enjoys a bad Lifetime movie in bed. It sounds like the depressing beginning of a romantic comedy, but it’s the happy ending of mine. 

I met my ex-boyfriend through my best friend at a metal show I had no business attending. He lived in Illinois, and I lived in Connecticut. He was engaged, and I was a mess. A friendship formed that later turned into romance when were both unexpectedly single and realized feelings were brewing. Our story had all the makings of the romantic comedy ending I thought we were supposed to have, but if you peeled back the curtain, you would see I was the heroine in reverse. The confidence I had worked so hard to gain was slipping away as I became subject to constant putdowns. The goals I had set for myself were set aside as I put my trust in the romantic comedy formula more than my own self. 

Around our one-year anniversary, I was already feeling the pressure to hold our relationship together. I made more trips to visit than he did, but when I would be honest about the pressure I was feeling and communicated that more reciprocal visits would help, he would lash out and tell me he has more of a life than me. We both lived near our families, but which one of us would move was never an actual topic of discussion; it was assumed from the beginning that it would be me. His family never even asked if I was moving; they only asked when. I wanted to see Little Women when it came out in theaters while I was visiting, but he told me my taste in movies was stupid, so we watched Uncut Gems instead like he wanted to. I would listen to him talk about the WWE for hours on end because I loved hearing about the things he enjoyed, but he’d tell me to stop talking and mock me when I wanted to talk about my favorite shows. I sat for 8 hours watching him bowl in a tournament after flying to him and spending most of the week alone in his bedroom waiting for him to come home from work, but he wouldn’t spend more than a few hours in Chicago during my first visit to the city because he wanted to take the train back home to bowl that night. The bowling alley wouldn’t get on a plane and be gone for another few months, I wanted to tell him. He bowled most days of the week and didn’t see me most days of the year, I wanted to cry out on so many visits. I knew if I did, I would get yelled at and called selfish. I was expected to make the most visits, move away from my family, spend most of my visits to him alone in his house and ignored when he was home, but selfish was his favorite word to describe me. I couldn’t want or need anything. I went from a strong-willed woman to a shattered reflection of myself. I hated myself for not being happy. His stepmom would tell me to not to have any expectations for him; that I would be taken care of if I just said yes to anything he wants, didn’t tell him when I was unhappy, didn’t ask for anything. I was already 30, I thought to myself. It’s too late for me to start over. This is who I found, and I need to stick with him. 

How did I find the strength to choose myself over my made-up timeline? I didn’t, really. We got into a fight the day before I was supposed to leave to come visit him. I didn’t know where all the hurtful words he was throwing at me were coming from. I was going to miss Christmas with my family to be with him and his family for the second year in a row. After being put down all day, I picked up the phone and my first words after he picked up were “I’m done.” I was barely aware of what I was doing. My intuition took over. I didn’t want to get on that plane. I didn’t want to be with him. I just didn’t want to be alone. In that moment, the fear of being alone wasn’t stronger than my desire to break free. 

The first few months, I worried I made a mistake. Maybe I was asking for too much. Maybe he really was that awful but I should have put up with it. I had doubts that I was worth being loved the way I wanted to be. I went from crying myself to sleep because the person I loved didn’t seem to respect me to crying myself to sleep because I was lonely. I read every article about getting over a breakup and the stages of grief you go through. Over time, the authors of those articles were proven right. I hurt less every day. Eventually, I just didn’t think about it anymore without noticing when that happened. 

I told myself from the beginning that I would wait a year before even thinking about dating again. I needed to know I was dating because I wanted to and not because I wanted to compete with how quickly the guy I broke up with moved on or to avoid being alone. Over the course of my healing, I discovered so much peace that I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone unless they contributed to that peace. 

Throughout the past year, I’ve fought through the jealousy of seeing engagements, weddings, and anniversaries on my Instagram feed. As much work as I did to undo my trust in the made-up romantic comedy formula, I still have to fight every day to let go of envy and worry. I have to ask myself, “Would you really rather be engaged in a strange town you hate with a guy who puts you down than at peace in a place you love?” I would regret moving and spending my life unhappy more than I’ll ever regret not being married by 30 like I thought I would be. If I chose the unhappy version of my life, it would mean I was choosing the expectations of others over my hopes for myself because at the end of the day, the comparison to what everyone else is doing and what they’ll think of me were in control until the night I snapped and said “I’m done.” 

For the first six months, I was tormented on-and-off by thoughts about whether my ex had moved on. These thoughts appeared less and less until they disappeared. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing now. I was broken when I was with him. I spent less time crying and more time watching the shows I liked without being called dumb once I left. I’m better off, so whether he has a new relationship or not has no meaning to me anymore. 

While it took about six months for me to feel free of him, I stayed committed to my promise to myself that I wouldn’t even think about dating again for another six, at least. Healing was more than getting over my ex and going through love withdrawals.  I needed time to be myself again after wasting so much time trying to be who my ex wanted me to be. I needed time to evaluate who I would want in a partner if I decided I wanted one. I needed time to get to a place where I didn’t feel like I had to date. Now that it’s been a year, maybe I will and maybe I won’t try again soon. Being in a relationship isn’t important to me anymore. I don’t want to force anything just for the chance of having a partner again. If I want to, I will. If I decide I’m content with my solitude and have more I want to accomplish alone, I won’t. After spending a few years carrying the burden of making a long-distance relationship work without support from the other half of the equation and anxiously awaiting the day I had to make the move to him that I was dreading, there is so much freedom in this maybe, maybe not. I have my cats. I have my friends. I have my family. I have a job I love. I’m okay with my middle being the beginning of the romantic comedy, fighting off questions at an old friend’s engagement party about why I don’t have a boyfriend or a date to the wedding and not having a formula to finish the story. I don’t need one. 

I was one of those “early Bloomers” and had a B cup before I entered middle school and a C cup by the time I entered High school. The thing you aren’t prepared for when you are a 12-year-old girl is that suddenly you find yourself being sexualized. By Everyone. My male classmates made me feel weird and uncomfortable with my newly acquired figure. What was worse was the adults. If you wore anything too form-fitting or that had any sort of neckline, you were told to cover up. Hell, we all know girls get school dress code violations for this stuff even now.

 

I remember in high school, I was running down the halls after school doing personal PT like many other students. Like many of the other female students, I was wearing shorts and a cropped sports tank to run in. Most of my fellow female students were never stopped or questioned. I was told by a teacher that I needed to cover up and was indecent because, you know, I had cleavage. I stopped running in the halls after that.

 

It is the constant struggle of the large chested gal to wear anything that doesn’t look “indecent”. We have more breast tissue, so clothes just look different on us. The only way I can not show cleavage in a shirt is with a crew or turtle neck shirt and I can’t limit my wardrobe to just that. This results in women and girls being shamed for their breasts. That wasn’t the only instance of adults policing my body but one that has stuck with me these decades later. 

 

High school also had me quitting activities when boys sexualized me too much for them. One of the saddest things I ever did was quit doing NJROTC part way through high school, because every week when I had to wear my uniform to school, multiple male classmates ( not in the ROTC program) would harass me about how “good I look in a uniform” and how my “curves looked just right”. It took a year and a half of that for me to just stop doing it altogether because it was a weekly traumatic event for me. This is also the first time I’ve said my actual reason for quitting. When it happened, I just said I wanted to try different things that I wouldn’t have time in my schedule for if I continued with the ROTC program.

 

As an adult, it makes me so mad that I allowed myself to silently endure sexual harassment to the point I stopped doing things I loved. Even as an adult, there are times where I worry if I am dressed too sexual or alluring because of what that can bring on. I hate that I’m like that. Really. I wish I could undo all the brainwashing we’ve had that sexualizes women’s breasts and makes us feel dirty for having them.

 

There has never been a time in my life where I didn’t resent my breasts, even just a little bit. When I had my first kid, I found it was extremely painful to breastfeed him. I worked with a lactation consultant but after months of pain I gave it up. Not being able to breastfeed can make you feel like a failure as a mother and that’s how I felt. My second pregnancy was twins who had to be delivered prematurely and there was no way to breastfeed them as they didn’t have the sucking reflexes. So I pumped, for weeks until that exhausted me. By the time my youngest was born, not even a year after the twins, I had come to terms with the fact that many mothers can’t or don’t want to do it and that’s fine. However, I still had to suffer from the painful swollen breasts until the milk dried up. That was a hellscape and a half every time.

 

When I was newly divorced and started dating in my 30s, again I found my breasts sexualized, over and over again. Sometimes I found men who even went so far as to fetishize large breasts. It just got so old and disheartening. 

 

Let’s not forget the general annoyance of large breasts like underboob sweat, falling out of tanktops while sleeping, and rolling onto your breasts while asleep. That one is a rude awakening, I assure you.

 

There is also a physical health piece too. Large breasts do a number on your back while wearing bras. Back and neck pain can be excruciating. Even just trying to find a bra that fits well. I have taken to looking specifically for bras meant for good posture due to the NTOS (Neurogenic Thoracic Outlet Syndrome) I have on top of the weight of my heavy breasts. 

 

So with all the things that  I hate about them, is there anything that makes it worth it? For me, not really. I’d be perfectly happy to get a breast reduction and possibly elevate some of my pain but that kind of thing costs major money that I just don’t have right now. I try to love and accept my body but this is just one of those things that I have never liked about my physical self and hope that one day I can change it, or at least come to terms and accept it.

Your partner texted you a sweet ‘Goodnight, babe!’ and you just turned off your wifi and went to sleep after having a cute conversation with your ‘everything.’ 

However, you couldn’t sleep, so you got back online and planned to write a special message for your lover to make their forthcoming morning a little more endearing. You assumed your partner would be fast asleep, but you see them online!

Well, that’s okay! BUT, you saw them online repeatedly, and not only that, but they also have been posting on social media contrarily. It’s a little disturbing to acknowledge the fact that your partner would instead prioritize social media activities than your text sent an hour ago. 

You recall some of their other weird behaviors that you caught online, which now gives you the foggy vision of major red flags. Oh no! Wait, you are probably overthinking, you assume. 

It’s normal, right? “Stop being so nosy,” you tell yourself. But the nagging feeling doesn’t leave you at rest.

Red flags are harmful enough to burn down strong bridges of relationships.

Engage In A Relationship That Reciprocates Your Love

A stitch in time saves nine, and it’s probably the time you should text them, “we need to talk!” or at least interrogate them in the nick of time. I am not sponsoring a thought to spy or question your partner; instead, take necessary decisions and notice these red flag acts of your partner.

Don’t fall in love; fly in love. Love makes you happy; it shouldn’t make you feel unwanted, unworthy, or unnoticeable. An unpassionate relationship can lead to serious health problems and mental trauma. It’s crucial that you engage in youthful and endearing love. 

Anything that gives you a constant dilemma shouldn’t be a part of your life. In this article, we’ll be discussing all the major social media red flags you must avoid at all costs.

Red Flags Vs. Yellow Flags

Red Flags are the warnings responsible for telling you to “Stop! It’s dangerous”; If you witness a red flag in your relationship, put an immediate stop before you conclude things out and take necessary steps. 

Red Flags in a relationship signify that it will be a rough ride if you stay with that specific person, and things might become toxic sooner than later.

Social media red flags may include lewd comments on other profiles, abusive behavior, cheesy remarks from other people, no evidence of your relationship, constant engagement with others, compromising photos or tweets, abuse, etc.

Before dating anyone, it is essential to know the person and discuss the deal-breakers and similar traits. 

On the other hand, Yellow flags consist of situations or habits that are not entirely desirable but still repairable. You both can still hold on to each other by a proper conversation. Defying a reasonable discussion and these minor yellow flags may turn into a vicious cycle of lies.

Yellow flags lie between the green and the red ones, which means there’s still some space left to work things out, and that you or your companion need not fall apart.

Edgar Allan Poe says— “Believe nothing you hear and only one half that you see.” Sometimes, we choose to avoid or unsee these red flags. Many other times, we overthink and create problems that don’t exist in the first place.  

To save you from false conclusive red flags, overthinking, or threatening red flags, we have enlisted 12 MAJOR social media red flags to avoid. 

1. No Connection Between The Partners On The Social Platforms

Social media is becoming the most visited ‘place’ for every human being these days. It has become a vital utility to share our thoughts, emotions, and almost everything about our lives online. But it’s most definitely not a bad thing, and sharing your thoughts online will help you unburden your stressful life. 

Amongst it all, constantly posting about your partner online has its own charisma. We watch couples youthfully share their stories online, and it instantly gives us ‘new couple goals.’ We all desire a relationship that doesn’t scare away from the public and social media displays of affection. 

There’s a significant dopamine rush when we see our partner publicizing our relationship. It doesn’t have to be an essential paramount:

However, all these ‘couple goals’ go down the hill if your partner is not ready to acknowledge your existence on social media. 

Some tend to put their lives private or, for whatever reasons, don’t socialize themselves much. If your partner is like one, you don’t have to be on pins and needles all the time. It’s just their personality, and you can decide to accept it or break things apart. 

However, if your partner posts other girls/boys/parties status, and everything else except for you, then that’s a red flag! 

Your partner is hiding your relationship from everyone; that is, they aren’t sure about you, which may lead to a severe emotional breakdown. If your relationship is new, give it a little more time. If it’s old and hidden from the world, you know what to do! 

2. Inappropriate or Judgemental Comments 

Do you find your partner constantly making inappropriate statements on other profiles? Or, perhaps, you see them following and interacting with other unsuitable pages, such as sexually harassing or addressing comments on nude/sex accounts or following an enormous number of girls/women/men. 

While it’s alright to embrace one’s sexuality, it’s somewhat offensive and a major red flag to constantly find your boyfriend/girlfriend stalking other sensual accounts/men/women. 

Having online friends is okay, but it is definitely a red flag if your partner comments on their posts by sliding beyond the boundaries or constantly sending arousing DMs to others. 

Sexuality is something one can discuss and move forward within a relationship. However, what’s unacceptable is your partner’s abusive persona online. We can predict a lot about a person through their interactions through comments or posts. 

Does your partner aggressively comment on things that don’t sit right with their opinion? For instance, online hatred and verbal violence towards a caste, community, creed, sexuality, etc. 

Of course, you can sit and talk things out, but is your partner willing to listen? Do they avoid the confrontation and subdue the criticality of the situation? If so, you probably shouldn’t waste your time enlightening their brains. It will be harder for you because they will not change anytime soon. 

Moreover, if their aggressive opinion collides with your beliefs; you need to let yourself out because it directly hints at your relationship’s toxicity you may experience later. 

3. Social Media Addictions

Is this seriously one of the reasons for ending your relationship? We all know how social media can enslave everyone! Well, let me stretch this out— addiction to anything will lead to multiple crises. 

Being on social media continuously, even in the presence of your lover, is a cliche red flag. It reflects that your partner is not valuing your company and are finding other distractions online, perhaps, some lady, a fellow, or other strangers. 

Would you want a partner who’s at the constant mercy of social media or a partner who doesn’t have a life outside the virtual world? This addiction also indicates that your partner doesn’t carry any dedicated goals or a life away from the social media ambiance. 

It would help if you didn’t stand on the fence waiting. Instead, pull yourself out from it.

4. More Than Platonic Friendship With Others On Social Media

It’s good that your partner has some decent diameter of the circle of acquaintances. A friend circle reveals a lot about their character.

But going beyond the bounds and being flirty and sexually attracted to someone is a transparent crystal for cheating. Sometimes, people don’t realize that their platonic friendship is no longer nonsexual. For instance, 

Of course, you can sit and talk this out with your partner— make them realize this friendship is hurting you. However, if nothing changes and they choose their ‘platonic friends’ over you, you should let them go, especially if it hurts you to see them with others. 

5. Their Relationship Status Is Still “Single.” 

You might have had this talk or an argument with your partner about changing their relationship status to ‘committed.’

Many individuals, especially from an orthodox family, might hide their relationship status to avoid family drama and criticism. 

However, if your partner is sharing content that is not very appropriate for family members in the friend list, they might be lying to you about the actual reasons for their ‘single’ status update. If they find a loophole and crystal-clear lies every time you confront them, it’s time you take a break from that relationship. 

Their ‘single’ status may also indicate that they welcome flirty or kinky interactions.

It would help if you were with someone committed and proud of your existence— someone who’s willing to accept and appreciate you in front of the world. .

6. Avoid Posting Your Photos Or Tagging You In Their Posts.

Okay, I know your relationship is new, and you have complete trust and enthusiasm about the bond, but my friend, this is a risky road. 

Your partner might not be a social person, as they mentioned. However, if you find them posting photos with ‘their other platonic friends’ except for you, then it’s a significant personality drawback. 

If they hide you from their social media account, they are probably not willing to completely accept you as their partner in public. Again, if talking about this situation leads to drama and lies, they are probably manipulating you and don’t value this relationship. 

There can be multiple reasons why your partner doesn’t interact with you on social media platforms. 

7. Addiction To Drugs/Alcohol And Violent Nature

Alcohol is fine when done socially, but being addicted to it leads to multiple sore roads that are hard to overcome. If your partner drinks more than the required amount and is constantly intoxicated throughout the day— they are probably dealing with alcohol/substance addiction. 

If your lover proudly displays their addiction online, they are nowhere close to quitting. It’s best to stay away from such individuals. Alcohol addiction may lead to physical abuse, aggressive behavior, split personality disorder, and mental harm. We might believe that we can help them let go, but that would stake your psychological and physical health. 

If your partner needs drugs or alcohol to overcome any issue or even the smallest of hurdles— it’s severe evidence that they are not mentally healthy and stable to treat you the way you deserve. 

Also, if you witness your companion being violent towards strangers, family, or any other beings, they are a threat to your well-being. People subdued in alcoholism often deal with short-tempered episodes and violent behavior everywhere they go. 

It would help if you moved away from that individual swiftly because it’s a dangerous red flag.

Reach out for helpline numbers here: https://drugabuse.com/alcohol/hotlines/

8. Exhibition For Doing Good Cause

In a world full of mean and greedy people, you must be proud of your partner engaging or aiding in a good cause. 

But flaunting about it unnaturally or showing off things they didn’t actually do on their social profiles is factually a whiff to embark attention and build an image to attract people faster. They are playing an emotional trick on everyone to create trust.

9. Being Narcissistic (Self-admiring)

Self-love is essential— it’s a necessity. As the old phrase goes, “if you don’t love yourself, then you can’t love someone else.” But if a person’s conversation is mostly about ‘I, Me, Myself”, it might get problematic. 

Self-obsession shoots a very transparent idea that the individual doesn’t value emotion, feelings, or thoughts above themselves. They are bad listeners and too much into themselves to give you the love you deserve. 

They are constantly demanding things from you and expecting ungodly treatment. While you are ready to tend to all their demands, you find yourself being empty-handed. 

They are ready to take but not give. These individuals are often demanding, controlling, and self-deluded. You don’t want to be in a relationship that will leave you empty and dry. 

A relationship builds on reciprocation. If your partner cannot reciprocate those feelings back at you, it’s best to leave them at their mercy.  

10. Unapologetic And Being Badmouth About Previous Bonds

Well, we all make mistakes, and we all learn and grow from them. But if your partner never apologizes for their error and is constantly trying to prove their innocence— it might turn out to be a complicated relationship. You will find yourself manipulated and cornered with their excuses and behavior. 

If your partner blames or accuses their ex’s mistakes and doesn’t accept their own, they wouldn’t take much time to start treating you the same way. 

Such individuals are mostly very controlling in nature, skilled, and manipulative. 

11. Being Connected With Ex’s Account

It is pretty okay for your partner to be friends with their exes if they didn’t share any long-term or intimate relationships. However, if they have had quite a roller-coaster history, the chances are that your partner might still have feelings for the said person. 

Although situations may differ from person to person, please, make sure you talk this out and about with your partner.

If your partner is hiding a ‘platonic friendship with their ex‘ from you, you shouldn’t ignore this significant red flag. The last thing you want is to get stuck in a triangle romance that would bring no good.  

12. Stalking You Online.

Trust is important to build a healthy and long-lasting relationship. If your partner stalks every detail of your account— from followers to foller’s accounts, relations, comments, likes, and requests— they are dangerous to be around. Soon, they might as well start stalking you in real life, and it’s creepy and a very destructive behavior. 

Usually, these individuals are very suspicious, unstable, skeptical, controlling, and psychopaths. You don’t want to associate yourself with people who’d spy. The same goes for you— reading about these red flags is one thing, but stalking your partner’s profile and what they do online is unacceptable. 

Before you land on difficult and stalk-ish conclusions, make sure you talk about it with your partner. Don’t dwell on unreal suspicions, and never stalk your partner. Trust goes both ways— If you want this relationship to work, you need to have faith in your partner. 

What Should One Do After The Red Flags Clash?

1. Date A Counseling Session

If you think it’s worth it to counsel your relationship, then so be it! Mainly, making direct conversation will sort things out. However, if your partner has difficulty opening up, it’s best to date a counseling session. 

Counseling will heal many unknown wounds from your relationship, and you will discover new intimacy, conversations, sexuality, and fluency between each other. Please note: Couple counseling can only work if both the partners are willing to change, accept, forgive, move forward, and love each other. 

2. Spend Time With Friends

While couple counseling may heal or fuse relationships, it doesn’t always end well, and it might as well lead to a bitter breakup/divorce. The best way to move on from toxic people/breakup is to spend some quality time with your friends who have always been there for you. 

Though you are moving forward from a toxic relationship, your heart will take a little more time to accept that very fact.

3. Never Compensate For The Limits.

Sometimes, individuals choose to stay even after witnessing every mental trauma their partners make them go through. These signs are toxic in themselves. Never choose to stay in a toxic, physically and mentally abusive relationship. 

4. Converse 

With a proper heart-to-heart conversation about what bothers you, your partner can hit the luck and save the relationship. Sometimes, people don’t know what they are doing and how their actions might hurt others. 

So, talking will surely help. If not, then trusting your guts will be a good decision.

Conclusion

There’s no hard and fast rule for dating— it takes time for a relationship to grow. So, don’t rush your emotions and choose a partner out of pressure, instability, or the lack of endearment. 

Individuals would often align in a relationship to feel loved, wanted, and cherished. So, they end up choosing the wrong partner. 

It’s better to love yourself than to maintain and deal with a toxic relationship. When approached, ensure that you know, understand, and trust this person. Continue casual dating until you can trust your partner truly. 

Some red flags are easily noticeable, while others may take longer, yet it’s never too late to make a move for your own sanity. 

Instead of jumping to conclusions and ending a special relationship, try to talk things out. Some red flags can be sorted out after having a heart-to-heart conversation, like talking about actions provoked by jealousy, controlling behavior, and over-possessiveness. 

If you catch a particular red flag action that is soon becoming a habit/trait, then put your glasses aside and take necessary measures because this pattern will continue to exist and will continue to ruin your romance and mental health. 

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if things are pushed beyond boundaries, one should pull themselves out from the toxicity. 

“Everyone deserves an impressive love story. Don’t let yours be a sad one!”

Everyone says you’re the luckiest person when you have someone who loves you more than the world.  Still, nobody tells you how important that you know how to date yourself first before adding someone new into your life.

Of course, it is normal if you don’t have anyone to love you. You don’t have to wait for someone to come and worship you— you already have you for that. 

Loneliness is an issue that people self-create in their heads to attract negativity, boredom, over-thinking, and zero self-love. They think about it all the time and slowly start to self-pity themselves— in the process, overthinking soon eats your brain out and leaves you dry and miserable. The continuous thought of being lonely makes us forget that we have ourselves if nobody else.

We are so busy loathing or pitying our loneliness and flaws that we forget to count the blessings already present within us. 

“I never learned to count my blessings

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.”

Every love and support we expect from others is already within us— we just need to look deep within our hearts to find that calm and whole again. Self-care is a difficult journey, but it will lead to self-love and positive solitude.

As cliche as it might sound, ‘You cannot love others unless and until you start loving yourself.’ It’s a basic necessity to love yourself first, know yourself better, understand what you want and need to achieve. 

It is said that people who are always alone are one of the strongest ones, and it’s quite literally true. Remember that self-love is the journey you have to go through alone. In the end, all that you have in your own self— it’s time you start appreciating and acknowledging your existence.

So, in this article, we will learn how to date and prioritize ourselves together. 

Steps on how to date yourself

Start taking care of yourself, and you are good to go. Easier said than done, right? It’s difficult to overcome years of self-hatred and loathing. It starts with self-acceptance— acknowledging and appreciating the good in you, and then soon beginning to accept your flaws. I know it’s difficult, but if things were more accessible, they wouldn’t feel so heavenly.

So, here are some steps that will lead you towards how to love and date yourself. 

Step 1: Consider what’s keeping you from loving yourself. 

First of all, you have to know what keeps you away from loving yourself. For instance,

Of course, it will take some time to stop hating yourself or listening to opposing opinions people impose on you, but it’s worth waiting. Once you acknowledge the power of self-love, you can achieve anything in your life without any self-doubt.

Take your time, start slow, and take baby steps. 

Step 2: Make a list of what you want to add to your life. 

Prioritize things you want from your life before sulking over something you don’t have or can’t have. Making a list makes our life a little easier. 

“When you don’t have the will to continue living your dreams, discipline will get you moving.”

Set a schedule and stick to it until you want to willfully continue doing that— fake it until you make it. 

“I mean, why not? It’s either this or crying yourself to sleep, and who wants to do that?”— Rihana.

When we start making lists, it becomes pretty easy for us— there’s no confusion, and everything we want is already written by us and for us. 

So, take a notebook and start writing about all the things you like to do and want to do, things that make you the happiest and lively in this world. Start writing about all your personal goals that you want to achieve and focus on them already because time is precious. 

Step 3: Schedule the time to date yourself regularly 

woman waking up and setting her goals for the day

Sometimes, we get so busy in our lives that we don’t take enough time out for ourselves. Life is all about living to the fullest, so prioritize your health, wealth, and mental peace. 

For example, would you like to date someone who doesn’t even have time for you? Of course not; just like that, you need to give yourself enough time to love yourself. 

You cannot accept things from others that you cannot give to yourself. So, before demanding love/affection/gifts from others, look at yourself and ask if you are willing to do the same for yourself. If you cannot, you need to start doing it ASAP. 

What makes you happy and content? Make a list and schedule dates for yourself and with yourself. 

Taking baby steps is how the improvement of your life begins.

Step 4: Get outside of your comfort zone and build confidence. 

woman celebrating finding herself in a relationship again

If you stay in your comfort zone forever, you will never learn to walk alone. You have to pick up your shyness, low self-esteem, and low confidence— bring it out of your comfort zone, and start embracing each flaw independently. 

It is said, “the more you do things that make you uncomfortable, the more courage you build.” 

So first, 

Once you start to face your fear, you will get the courage you never had. You feel the most alive and empowered when you overcome your fears. 

Step 5: Get dressed up for yourself 

Sometimes, self-love simply comes with taking a hot shower, doing makeup, getting dressed up for yourself, taking pictures, and then taking yourself for a dinner date. 

Self-love comes in many different forms, like,

Whatever you do, do it with your utmost dedication—you need to make time for yourself— to show that it’s your life and that you are the only person to own it.

Even if the world loses your side, you, of all people, should stay by your side always and forever. Having a relationship with yourself is a lifelong agreement, and it’s the only one you can count on— so cherish and nurture it. 

Step 6: You have the opportunity to do anything you like

At this age of your life, you have the opportunity to do anything that you like without seeking anyone’s permission. When we are in a relationship, we tend to compromise a lot— we lose friends, families, things we love doing, freedom, and space in a mediocre relationship. 

Take this opportunity of singlehood and taste the freedom that comes along— you are free to do anything you want to do for so long. Singlehood is when you don’t have to constantly worry about public opinion or their concerns— start doing what you love and start feeling what you feel. 

Opportunities can be big or small, like…

Step 7: Make a gratitude list.

“Learning to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you have.”

Self-love emerges from gratification— instead of complaining about everything, start appreciating what you already have. 

Making a gratitude list is also fun. When you look and acknowledge all the things you already have, you will know just how blessed you actually are.

When you start being grateful for little things, you will become more alive— that’s when you start working more on yourself. It’s vital to acknowledge your blessings and keep them close to you before they are taken away from you.

Enough of complaining; it’s time that you count every little blessing that you already have with you. 

Step 8: Learn more about yourself 

You can’t learn how to date yourself if you don’t have a solid understanding and awareness of who you are as a person. Dating yourself will introduce you to the many colors of your soul and existence— you get the opportunity to know yourself better. When you spend time with yourself away from the world— you understand what you need and want closely. 

Being alone is not lonely; it’s a journey that will lead you towards personal growth in life. Here, in this relationship, it’s just you. 

So, when you date yourself, learn how to unleash your divine feminine energy.

You can also try journalizing your past, present, and future to know more about the changes that you had and the possible changes that stand ahead of you.

Step 9: Create a vision board

Self-love leads to self-growth. If you love yourself more than anything, you will always choose what’s best for you, and you will also work hard to get all that you want. Having a vision in life is so important because that’s what makes you the person you want to become in life. 

Create a vision board or paint a bigger picture of the future

Visions are crucial in your life; they help you keep moving ahead in life slowly and gracefully, step by step. 

Step 10: Live passionately 

two women practicing self care

Don’t simply love yourself when alone or single; love yourself irrespective of the season— when it’s raining stars, sorrows, gloom, or happiness. 

It’s the best way to take care of yourself and live the life you want. Take your time and strengthen this relationship every passing day— you will be amazed by the difference it makes in your life. 

Never stop finding new interests, working passionately, setting personal goals, making new friends, and being adventurous. You don’t have to stop dating yourself when you see someone else. No, continue to love yourself even if you are in a relationship. Loving yourself should always be a priority for you.

A mundane life will bore you into depression. Try to live each day with passions— even the silliest things must be fulfilled with love. 

It can be cleaning chores, organizing a house, redoing your office desk, or simply brooming. For instance, play music and sway some moves alone when doing minimal chores. Life should be fun, not any other way around. 

Step 11: Always pamper yourself 

Don’t forget to pamper yourself amidst the many emotions life throws at you. There would be days of contentment, days that drain you or eat you alive. At times like these, pamper yourself with sunflowers, chocolates, spicy food, and family presence. 

If you don’t have the sources— take yourself for a relaxing, chilly walk under the night sky, look at the moon, sing lullaby, and hug yourself. 

Book a facial or professional massage at your doorstep whenever you feel stressed out or tired. You can pamper yourself according to your comfort and never forget to stay hydrated all the time.

Pampering comes in different forms for different people:

The most crucial step is to close the doors that no longer make you feel good or are unhealthy for your peace. Commit to yourself that you’ll genuinely nurture your soul and body as a best friend, soulmate, and life partner in this relationship. 

Step 12: Be assertive about your needs 

When you start loving and prioritizing yourself, you will set different boundaries for people depending on your perception. Setting rules for others is essential to keep your peace and worth intact. 

Always feel free to tell people what you find right or wrong in any life agreements, what you tolerate, and what you want. 

Whether you are in a relationship or not, it’s necessary to let people know what’s acceptable for you and what’s not— take a stand for yourself and stick to it. 

Step 13: Write yourself juicy love letters

If you don’t have any partner that can write down cheesy love letters for you, not even a problem, write it by yourself. 

Write down:

You do not have to wait for anyone to come and tell you how incredible you are! You know yourself better than anyone else does— it’s time you verbalize those thoughts and qualities. 

So, start writing letters on letters about:

Each letter you write is essential and will help you smile every time you read them. 

Step 14: Engage in some indulgent self-care

Every small step counts when you are on a voyage for self-love/self-care— even if it comes in bringing chocolates, flowers, small surprises for yourself. Do what you like the most, for instance: 

If you are unsure what to do, you can think of when you were the happiest, were around good people, and were enjoying life; relive those moments. 

Slowly but surely, try to find things/activities/purposes that bring you joy. Even if you do not want to do this every day, try doing things at least once a week, and you will see the difference self-care brings along. 

If you are confused, breathe and let go. Meditate to clear your mind, exercise to get the blood flowing, and choose adventures for adrenaline. Life’s only as complicated as we make it. 

Step 15: Empower yourself with love and support 

Let go of things that make you sad or stressed— quit the job that doesn’t benefit you or the relationship that mentally exhausts you, and set boundaries.

You can also get involved in empowering activities like,

Bottom line 

“Life jackets can only help you to float, but you will have to swim to the shore by yourself, darling.”

We are so lost in finding love in different people that we completely blind ourselves out from the love inside us, for us. We expect many people to love us, but we forget to love ourselves first. Self-care and self-love is a gift from us, to us— nobody else is going to come and give or teach you. 

Trust me, self-care can make a big difference in your life and personality. 

Dating yourself is a crucial lifetime relationship. Self-care helps in increasing self-love. It’s about time to choose all the good things that manifest happiness in your life. It’s time to give ourselves all the love and support we expect from others. 

Learning how to focus on yourself while in a relationship can be tough.

Relationships are about two people who need to put in an equal amount of time and effort to make it work. It’s easy to lose ourselves in romantic relationships as sometimes our priorities change and often even our routines.

Sometimes we need space. Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves.

This is why this article on how to focus on yourself in a relationship is so important.

You feel like you’re dating the absolute love of your life, and all you can think about is your future together. Everything you do involves consideration for them, sometimes even things you’re supposed to do independently. 

This is common! We all seem to get a little lost in our relationships, especially if they’re still new and exciting.

Dedicating all your free time to the person you like at the beginning of a relationship is okay. But the following signs could mean it’s beginning to get unhealthy: 

What does ‘losing yourself in a relationship’ mean?

Losing yourself in a relationship might mean that you’re so immersed in the relationship that you’ve completely lost touch with who you are. Your identity is attached dramatically to your significant other, and life doesn’t feel complete if your partner is not around.

This does not feel good to most people. 

Ten signs you’re losing yourself and that you need to learn how to focus on yourself in a relationship

Losing yourself in a relationship may take the form of:

1. Your hobbies disappearing 

If you give up your hobbies that you thoroughly enjoyed at some point, this is not a good sign. 

2. Your friends say you’ve been ‘distant.’

It’s been two months, and you haven’t met your friends? Bad sign. Your friends make up for a good portion of your social support, and it’s essential to keep in touch with them for your own sake. 

3. You’ve stopped referring to yourself as an individual in the relationship. 

You’ve stopped using the words ‘I,’ ‘Me,’ ‘Mine’ in the relationship because you don’t want your partner to feel left out. However, this may impact your individuality negatively.

4. You avoid hanging out by yourself. 

If you enjoy taking out time for yourself and you’ve stopped doing that because you’re in a relationship, you’re losing yourself. Taking time for yourself helps you realize many things about yourself and even understand yourself better.

5. It’s hard to differentiate why you’re doing something.

When you’re doing something, and it gets difficult to understand if you’re doing it out of your own will or for the relationship, it’s time you realize it’s not a good thing. If your choices are always made considering what’s suitable for your partner only, then it’s time for you to pick yourself back up. 

6. Your opinions are theirs and vice versa. 

We all have our perspectives and opinions. When both you and your partner’s opinions and viewpoints seem to have merged into each other, this is a sign you both need to find yourselves in your relationship. While becoming similar is common, maintaining your own identity is essential.

7. You get anxious more often.

Some amount of anxiety in a relationship is expected; however, it becomes an issue when you find yourself being more anxious than often. Losing yourself in a relationship is a bad feeling. This may trigger your anxiety levels, causing more stress.

8. You feel like a ghost at times. 

When you’re losing yourself in a relationship, it is common to feel like you’re a “ghost” or like you’re running on “autopilot.” This means you might feel numb or like you’re not an active participant in your relationship. This might even include some uncertainty about your behaviors and actions.

9. You feel like you’re overly involved in your significant other’s life. 

This is a widespread problem in a lot of romantic relationships. The partner in this situation often feels like they’re not being given enough space to “maintain” their individuality. 

We can generally see it in parent-child relationships. Still, sometimes we tend to get very emotionally attached with our partners, keeping track of what they’re doing, where they are, who they’re with, etc., at all times! 

An easy way to help yourself deal with an overly attached relationship is to do things that don’t involve your partner but help keep you busy or at least entertained.

10. You find yourself talking about your partner at all times. 

When you’re hanging out with your friends or at family gatherings, you always talk about your partner. All your conversational topics seem to involve your partner. It seems cute at first, but it may get boring for the people you hang out with a lot. 

For some of us, it’s easier to talk about things than it is to accept them. If there are some issues in your relationship you’re not addressing or talking about with your partner, they may surface as gossip around others. Hence, it is imperative to communicate with your partner openly.

Is losing yourself in a relationship normal?

Losing yourself in a relationship, especially at its beginning, is easy and normal. We all feel the need to be accepted and loved by our partners. 

To make this happen, we often give them all parts of ourselves, losing touch of who we are at our very core. You need to be conscious not to let this happen. 

We often depend on our partners for our need for affection and love, which is not entirely wrong. But it can gradually become too much of a good thing. You both must grow and progress individually and as a couple.

Losing yourself in a relationship may be inevitable. Still, the individual growth and personal journey that may come out of it is something we recommend to everyone, at least once in their lifetime.

Most people only realize that they’ve completely lost their individuality after a relationship has ended. However, some incident that made you know you’re losing yourself could have brought you here, reading this article.

Don’t worry. We’ve got you! Here’s what you can do when you feel like you’re slowly losing yourself in a relationship.

20+ Things to do When You Want to Focus on Yourself in a Relationship

Here are certain changes to make if you’re losing yourself in a relationship: 

1. Take some time out for yourself 

It is essential to know where you and your partner differ in perspective, characteristic, and personality. It’s also essential to accept and cherish the difference. Every detail that makes you is different from every detail that makes them.

Take time to do things by yourself, for yourself, and with yourself, away from the relationship—practicing this routine will make you and your partner happier and toxicity-free. Spending time with yourself will help you save the relationship if you two were to break up (god forbid!)

2. Focus on your goals 

Never forget your ambitions while being in a relationship. Individuals often forget themselves and their own life after getting into a relationship. 

Whether your goals include being successful in your career or getting good grades in your college, work on them to reach stars. Rediscover your passion and goals again along with your relationship. Learning how to focus on your career, goals and life is also building a healthy foundation within your relationship.

You don’t want to have any regrets.

3. Spend time with your family 

Your family is just as equally important as your romantic relationship. Of course, It’s vital that your partner and family get along well, but sometimes all you need to do is spend time with them alone and separate. Spending time with our family gives us a sense of belonging. A little bonding with family never hurts.

4. Spend time with your best friends 

There’s nothing more special than spending time with your friends. Staying in or having a sleepover with them is the best idea to have fun and feel like yourself again.

Most people have a circle of friends they’ve known for a while, and when times get tough, they help us deal with issues much better. It’s more difficult to get over a breakup or hard times all by yourself, but with your friends; things get easier. 

5. Remember your individuality

Maintain your individuality and freedom in a relationship. Be vocal about your needs and if something is unacceptable. Tell them to know of the smallest things that you want. For instance, letting them know where you want to eat dinner or where you want to go for a date. These habits can make you feel empowered when you’re trying to gain yourself back.

If you think your voice and opinion are being neglected, make sure you say it out aloud and make them listen. You should be able to freely put forth your views and ideas about anything you wish. 

Yes, you are your partner’s girlfriend or boyfriend but don’t forget their opinion is not your only perspective. It’s completely fine to have a different opinion than that of your partner.

Learning how to focus on yourself in a relationship comes with understanding that you grow as an in

6. Learn to differentiate 

Set clear boundaries about things you find unacceptable and things you want in a relationship. 

Prioritize your relationship with yourself; it is as equally important as the one you have with your significant other. If anything, it’s more important than anything else. Be careful to respect the differences between the two of you.

7. Get a clear understanding. 

Introspection can help you self-reflect in a lot of situations. Declutter your mind by asking yourself the following questions: 

It’s always good to be clear about your feelings and why you feel the way you feel. If you know where you are in the relationship right now, it’ll be easier for you to understand where you want to be in the near future.

8. Think about the future

Losing sight of what you want in life is easy when you’re in a relationship. Your other priorities may take a back seat when you’re in love. Think about the future; where and who do you want to be a few years down the line?

Keep that person and situation in mind and act accordingly. Plan your steps ahead while keeping your future, actions, and goals in mind. 

9. Examine your behaviors

If there is any resentment or unspoken communication in your relationship, you might need to clear things out to save the relationship. However, if you are constantly fighting and finding excuses— you might not be as happy with it as you may think. 

Examining your behaviors and understanding your grievances will help you clarify where the thought of ‘losing yourself’ actually stems from. 

Many people fear disapproval from their partners, so they accept things that are generally not acceptable in a relationship. If you’re afraid of disapproval or disappointing your partner, you might need to relocate your behavior and act upon it. 

10. Go on dates regularly. 

Building an emotional connection takes effort, and going on dates with your partner will help you achieve just that. 

Do understand you can balance loving yourself and your partner just fine. 

Going on dates regularly will reassure your partner that you still love and cherish them despite wanting to spend some time alone. 

Just because you’re trying to find yourself in this relationship doesn’t mean you love them any less. Secondly, regular dates will also help you find time to communicate about anything and everything you wish to.

11. Challenge yourself 

Like any other individual, you’re entitled to your ambitions and dreams. If you’ve had a dream that you’ve been too afraid to chase, now’s the time for you to step up and do it. 

Find things you’ve put behind for whatever reason and do them now. It’s a way to progress and grow into yourself along with your partner.

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t put yourself first or grow like everyone else.

13. Have open conversations 

Openly communicate with your partner about the things you like or dislike. Let them see who you are genuinely at all times. Know and understand that they are worthy of getting to know the “real” you if you are in a relationship with them. You picked them for a reason; make sure you let them know.

14. Disagree if you must

If you want to disagree on something your partner has said but agree with them nonetheless to keep their heart or because you’re trying to avoid conflict, it may decrease the importance of your future decisions..

It would help if you spoke about anything that bothers you or anything you’re not okay with. Disagreements are a part of all healthy relationships— it will only help you understand each other better. Make sure you respect their opinions while making sure they respect yours. Relationships work both ways. 

15. Put yourself first 

If you take care of yourself, you’ll be able to take care of everyone around you, including your significant other, so make yourself your priority. It’s not selfish to think about yourself; understand that you’re as important for yourself as anyone else is for you.

16. Set a routine

Oftentimes, learning how to find yourself again in a relationship is because you’ve steered away from the routine you had before. Routines are a way of keeping yourself busy and distracted for most people. What’s a lesser-known fact is— setting a routine for yourself such as skincare sessions or morning exercises will help you make time for things you enjoy and like doing. 

For instance, many people read for a specific amount of time before going to bed because they like reading. Research also shows that routines have proven to improve mental health. 

17. Practice Self-love

Easier said than done, right? We know. Practicing self-love means practicing self-compassion, being kind to yourself, and accepting your flaws. 

It is essential to understand yourself before expecting someone else to do the same for you. 

18. Trust your partner 

There is a big difference between being controlling and trusting your partner. Don’t be controlling of your partner and don’t try to tell them what they must do; this will push them away. Instead, please give them the freedom they deserve to maintain their individuality.

19. Don’t neglect other relationships.

There are relationships other than romantic ones we share with people. These may be our long-distance friendships or even our grandparents. Relationships don’t need to be romantic to be of value to us. It’s essential to maintain these relationships because they make you who you are. 

20. Listen to your intuition. 

Go with your intuition; follow your gut if you’re ever confused about where you stand in your relationship. Your heart will always know what to do; you must be willing to listen.

It is vital to remember that people lose themselves even in positive relationships, not just toxic ones.

Everything may be perfect in your relationship, but the feeling of you being too emotionally attached and dependent upon your partner may linger in your conscience. 

Open communication will help you find yourself again and maintain a sense of identity. 

21. Talk to your partner.

Remember that your partner is not your enemy. Talk to them about how you’ve been feeling.

Conclusion

Two individuals make a relationship, not just one; be sure to be you at all times. Learning how to find yourself again in a relationship can be a hard but rewarding task for your personal growth. Be brave about speaking up for yourself. Take up space and take a stand for yourself whenever necessary. Do this without feeling any guilt. You deserve to be your person even when you’re in a relationship. 

Our behaviors and feelings, to some extent, impact our partners, and while this is important to understand in relationships, it is also essential to maintain individuality. Losing yourself is easy; learning how to find yourself again in a relationship may be a little tough, but hey, you’ve got this!

Share with us your stories of how you’ve been feeling!

And if you think you’re struggling, remember that it’s okay to reach out to trained professionals for help. 

1) You’ll be happier

A Gallup survey showed that 70% of people are unhappy at their jobs, and only 30% report being happy with their careers. It is more important than ever to find a career path you enjoy doing in today’s world. Your happiness should never come secondary to financial success or anything else for that matter. When you find what you love to do, your life will be so much better.

2) You’ll be more marketable

Companies are always looking for people who have the required experience and those with passion and understanding of what they do. If you can demonstrate this in your resume or interview, then employers will take notice! When you find something that drives you every day to work harder than before, it will be a lot easier to sell yourself and get the job you truly deserve.

3) You’ll make more money

It is no secret that the better you do your job, the higher your income will be. This may not always happen in entry-level positions when you’re just starting out, but it’s very common for people to receive raises and promotions as they move up their career paths. If you know what you want to do early on, you can make choices that will set you up for future success without waiting years before it happens.

4) You’ll be more satisfied

When you love what you do, it will show in your daily life and work ethic. People who make the right career choice enjoy going to their job every day because they know that this is where they’re most fulfilled as a person. If you can find something like this for yourself early on, then there’s no question you’ll be more satisfied with your career.

I was in an abusive relationship.

 

It’s hard for me to say because I’m a bad ass bitch but for the last year and a half I made myself small.

 

I was tormented emotionally,

Gaslighted,

No real peace.

 

But the day it got physical I left.

 

I can beat myself up for the time I gave him but I’d rather focus on how fast I got out.

 

I moved out in less than a week cutting all toxic ties

Because of my strength,

The love and support of my family and friends,

And honestly my privilege and financial means to do so.

 

I know it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve actually been through some shit.

 

But I did it.

 

And now I have no car,  no permanent address, no dream job I moved to LA to pursue.

 

Just my gorgeous hot body and the guarantee that I am worth more.

 

I deserve more.

I choose myself.

My team of light has been waiting.

 

And I can’t forget that I’m somebody’s daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, and now inspiration.

 

Not a victim but a victor.

 

I actively chose to move in with someone I only knew for three months.

 

I knew he wasn’t the one when I was unpacking.

 

I made my bed, I slept in it, and then I set it on fire.

 

My only job now is to tell my truth.

Make more art.

Begin to heal.

 

So if you are in a situation that you know deep down isn’t right…

 

When you’re ready and only when you’re truly ready, I promise the universe will hold you up.

 

Everything you knew will change and the pain will drown you.

 

But you will rise up.

 

Start again.

 

You will never be the same but that’s the best part.

 

So cheers to my next first kiss,

And the sanctuary I will build,

And the ease of whatever is meant for me.

 

No more listing my accomplishments and declaring my goals for next year.

 

Let us all put down our phones and just soak up the people we will miss one day.

 

We are all pure light.

Trust your gut more.

Give yourself some credit.

Whatever you accomplished this year is enough.

 

You are a good person and I can’t wait to meet you.