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Relationships

20+ visible signs he doesn’t deserve you—Know better things are waiting for you!

Finding the most consistent someone for your innocent heart is no walk in the park, and we get that! Sometimes, a relationship may start feeling like a game to your inattentive boyfriend, and you begin to doubt if he really deserves you. 

You can learn if he’s unappreciative when you go through this:

  • He doesn’t put any effort into having fun with you. 
  • He rarely talks about the insides (pillars) of your relationship. 
  • He manages to roll over blame on you even when he’s wrong. 
  • He manipulates you into fake love with frequent sweet-talking and shallow promises. 
  • He makes you feel like an option
  • He treats you secondary, even when you shower him with all love in your heart. 

These stances don’t mean you are unworthy of love or unfortunate; they just point out you’re with the wrong boy. 

Love doesn’t require conditions to be met when it’s real. It just flows through two souls and unites them into one, forming an unbreakable bond. Remember, this only happens when both souls have equal love, respect, mutual understanding, and infinite chemistry for each other! 

So if you’re going through a relationship that doesn’t feel like two worlds swiftly and softly colliding into each other, there’s a lot more exploring left, girl. 

Soon we’ll present 20+ signs he doesn’t deserve you, but before that, you need to learn what factors make a healthy romantic relationship. 

What makes your relationship a love fireball? 

We know when it comes to love, romantic chemistry is one significant factor you want to weigh, but it’s not all you should. Chemistry and love are inevitably crucial in any romantic relationship, but there’s more you need, like respect, loyalty, constant effort, and efficient communication. 

It’s also essential to be compatible with your partner and have the same principles or values regarding your relationship. The ability to be mature and openly communicate is a giant green flag in any relationship.

Your intimate feelings may often make you feel like they’re worth sticking around for. However, you should actually seek compatibility when finding yourself a lover. 

To help you find out if he’s the wrong catch, we’ve curated a list of 23 signs he doesn’t deserve you (because let’s be honest, if you’re here reading this article, wondering if he really does deserve you, chances are, he doesn’t!):

1. Lack of Equal Efforts 

If you’re always the only one putting effort into this relationship, it’s time to say ‘goodbye‘ to him! Whether it is making plans, calling/texting first, or coming forward to fix an issue, if he doesn’t seem to be returning the effort, he doesn’t deserve you.

Healthy relationships only blossom when two people are equally interested in each other and push mutual efforts to make the relationship work. If you feel like he’s only putting in minimal action, just enough to ensure you’re rolled around his fingers, it’s a sign he doesn’t deserve you. 

2. He’s always selfish. 

Do you remember yelling ‘Everything’s about you!‘ right at him? Does he place his feelings and himself above you, where you feel smaller and weak? 

We won’t say it’s selfish to put yourself first sometimes. However, constantly trying to feel superior in a relationship is the most wrong he can do as your partner.  

guy always thinking about himself

When stuck in uninvited circumstances, he should be willing to make just as many sacrifices and compromises as you do. Considering your partner’s feelings and values at an equal level is part of a loving relationship. If he fails to do that, he doesn’t deserve you. 

Always remember, a loving boyfriend will put as much effort as required to make a relationship work without ever keeping a count or expectations for return. 

He will love you like the most precious thing in this world, and you’d be overwhelmed to shower back immense love on him. You should expect this when looking for a boyfriend to spend your special and extraordinary life with! 

3. You feel like you can’t be your authentic self around him. 

You may often find yourself trying to pretend to be a different person just because he likes you that way. You dress as per his taste, style your hair the way he likes, and even say only what he wants to hear. 

While it’s fun to excite your boyfriend by occasionally doing everything he fancies, you should never lose sight of who you really are. For a healthy relationship, it’s important that he loves you, knowing your genuine personality. 

If you feel like you cannot be your real self around him, he may be another waste of your precious time. When you’re in a relationship with someone, they expand the space for you to grow and learn while being yourself. They accept your flaws and shortcomings and help you become a better version of yourself. 

But if he’s making you change for the worse or as per his appetites, it’s a red flag. On the other hand, if it’s undoubtedly for the better, let’s just say ‘the only constant in life is change’ and modifying for the better is not such a bad thing after all. 

4. He triggers your insecurities on purpose. 

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, your partner probably knows about your insecurities and flaws. If he makes you feel worse about them, you should not be in a relationship with him. 

If you’re insecure about something and he brings it up in arguments and tries to trigger your emotions, you’re dating a toxic boy. On the contrary, if he helps you understand yourself better and work on yourself, he’s a keeper! 

5. You find yourself defending his actions. 

Often when we’re stuck in a toxic cycle, we fail to realize it until it’s too late. You must know that actions will tell you more than his words ever would. 

If you defend his damaging and hostile actions to the people who care about you (for instance, your friends or family), he’s not worthy of your love. Someone who prioritizes you will ensure he puts in the effort to show pure love, care, and respect. 

If your friends and family are concerned about the damage he’s inflicting on you (which you may overlook), trust them because he’ll only cause more emotional or physical hurt in the future. 

Instead, you can spend this time working on your mind and sensitive heart, which will eventually attract a genuinely deserving person. 

6. You don’t feel loved enough. 

As cliche as it sounds—when something isn’t right, you’ll know it in your heart and guts. So if you constantly feel a lack of love in your bond, you should talk to your boyfriend about it. 

Learning about a partner’s love language is essential to reassure their feelings and unlock millions of butterflies in their stomach. Your partner should always feel secure and loved in a relationship with you. 

It’s not your obligation to ensure they’re feeling secure, but you need to take responsibility for their heart and help them know they are loved. A little reassurance goes a long way, and if he’s not giving you that, it’s probably because he doesn’t deserve you. 

7. He’s never present. 

When you’re out with him or even just talking on a call, does he seem to be mentally absent all the time? Does he show zero attention towards your conversations? If yes, we hate to say it, but it’s likely because he’s not interested in your beautiful personality. 

guy being distracted with girl being annoyed

Showing low signs of interest is a red flag in any relationship, and he knows that. If he continues to be mentally absent for the most part, even after you’ve clearly conveyed it to him, he doesn’t deserve you. 

You must find a lover who drowns looking in your eyes when you talk, and your every word melts their heart! 

8. He doesn’t talk about the future. 

It’s a thing with all of us who’re in love—we absolutely adore chit-chatting about the future even when we’re not sure what it holds. 

Are you always very excited to talk about your future with him? You bring up discussions like the kind of house you’ll share or where you’ll get married, but he couldn’t care less. If you see this sign, save yourself some heartache and dump him. 

If he doesn’t see a future with you or talk about it, it could mean that he’s not as committed as you are to this relationship. However, this sign could also depend on how serious or long-term the connection has been. 

If it’s been years and he still avoids discussing a future with you, it could mean he’s not ready to commit to you fully. 

9. He views communication as complaining. 

It is normal for couples to fall into arguments or have conflicts of opinions. However, what is not normal is your partner making you feel guilty for communicating your needs. 

A healthy relationship is built on open communication. Even mountain-size arguments can dissolve when partners communicate efficiently with each other. 

If you’re dating someone, he must be mature enough to understand the difference between communication and conflict. When you’re trying to communicate, he must be willing to listen, understand and work on the issue with you. 

At all times during a disagreement in the relationship, he must remember that it’s you and him vs. the problem and not you vs. him. 

10. He’s still not over his ex. 

Whether it’s him bringing her up during conversations or sneakingly texting her, if he’s not over his ex yet, don’t date him! 

guy thinking while sitting down on a red couch

If his ex is still clouding all over his mind, chances are he might use you as a rebound or merely fool around with you to forget her. If this is his intention, it will cost you a lot of emotional damage. 

This is more likely if he has jumped into a relationship with you right after breaking up with his ex. He didn’t use enough time to move on and might still be attached to her in many ways. Trust me; you don’t want to be with an unsure man like this. 

In frequent such cases, he might be willing to remove his ex entirely from his life, and this article can help achieve that—How to stop romanticizing your ex? 

11. He makes you feel inferior. 

He always seems to have a problem with the way you dress or the way you talk. He makes you feel like you’re inferior to him in class or status and even insults you. 

If he calls you an embarrassment or refuses to claim you as his partner in public, these could all be ways of making you feel inferior. When this happens, you might lose self-confidence and even feel ‘not good enough‘ for him. 

It’s important to know that this is not your fault, and it’s him that doesn’t deserve you. You do not need to fake your personality or change in ways for him to accept you. You deserve unconditional love the way you are! 

12. He has cheated on you in the past. 

Partners often accept their significant others back even after they have cheated on them, but second chances may not necessarily be good. When someone cheats on you, it’s because they don’t respect the relationship and value desires over feelings. 

guy checking his phone while being asleep next to his girlfriend

Cheating is widespread nowadays; however, you must remember that if your man has cheated on you in the past, he doesn’t deserve a spot in your life anymore. 

A person who genuinely cares about your heart will never attempt an action that breaks it. Wait for this person. 

13. He ghosts you from time to time. 

Ghosting is also fairly common in this age and time, especially if you’re in an online relationship. Ghosting is the act of maintaining no contact or, in other terms, ‘going ghost‘ on your partner. 

When someone ghosts you, they leave you feeling like you’re asking too much of them. The way he is ghosting you from time to time signifies commitment issues, and if he has trouble devoting to the connection now, who’s to say what the relationship’s future will be like?

14. He belittles you in front of his friends. 

Most people hold their friends in high regard, and he probably does too. When it comes to ‘boys‘ nights and meeting with his friends, it’s like you don’t even exist. 

He doesn’t ask you out along and doesn’t care enough to introduce you as his beautiful girlfriend. 

We understand that having a sense of individuality is important in any relationship. But we’re referring to him talking badly about you to his friends and making you feel like the ‘lesser‘ person in the relationship. If he continuously belittles you, he clearly has no respect for you and doesn’t deserve a queen. 

15. He leaves you hanging. 

What we mean by this is that he makes you question where you stand in his life. He’s not clarifying where you rank on his list of priorities, and you’re constantly confused if you matter to him. 

If he’s doing this, he probably is confused about you too, and girl, we don’t need a man like that in our lives now, do we?

16. He lies!

Someone that loves you will have the guts to speak the truth, no matter how hurtful it may be. If there have been multiple times where you’ve caught him in a lie, and he refuses to accept it, it’s a dating red flag. 

When he’s lying to you, it means he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. Being truthful to each other forms the base of a healthy relationship, and if you want to be in a long-term relationship with a man, we suggest you pick one that doesn’t constantly use a lie-lie tongue. 

17. He’s insecure and angry at all times. 

If you find yourself walking on wires regarding what you say in front of him, he’s not the right one. You deserve to love a boy who’s confident in himself and doesn’t get insecure about ordinary things. 

Does he get insecure and jealous of your guy friends, even after you have told him multiple times that he shouldn’t worry about them? If he gets angry and violent—waste no time and walk away for your own sake. 

18. You don’t feel safe in his company. 

When you’re in a relationship with the right person, you allow yourself to feel comfortable and be your genuine self. They ensure that you feel safe and secure with them, no matter where you go. 

So if you don’t feel unassailable in your current boyfriend’s company, you probably shouldn’t force it. Feeling comfortable comes naturally when you stay with someone you trust. You’ll automatically be ready to walk beside him on a dark road at 2 AM if you feel safe with him. 

However, if you’re struggling to be comfortable in his presence, you can’t take the relationship ahead, physically or emotionally. When you think something’s off, don’t ignore the signs. 

19. He expects your life to revolve around him. 

Do you continuously feel the need to keep your boy’s feelings in mind in everything you do? This could even mean you care about his heart at the cost of your own feelings and mental health. 

If all your life goals and plans are adjusted to accommodate him and his needs, you need to back off for a minute and rethink your relationship. No matter what happens, one must understand that decisions in every relationship are required to be mutual and not one-sided. 

How to know if you are giving him great authority over your life? 

For instance, you got a scholarship to an incredible college, but he makes you pick a college close to his hometown. Another example—you are going on a family vacation, and he argues with you, saying, “Are you really going to leave me alone here?” 

Trust me; if he’s expecting your life to revolve around him, he’s not the right person for you. He’s no superstar who deserves your life to be entirely poured out on him; you’re the only superstar here! 

20. He’s manipulative 

Being manipulative means he twists words to get you into doing or thinking whatever he wants. When you open up about something triggering you, he might take it negatively and make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings. 

Somehow you always do what he wants, even if you may not want to. This could be a sign he’s manipulative. 

girl with hands being manipulative

21. He gaslights you 

Gaslighting is a psychological term that means emotionally manipulating someone to question their own sanity and self-worth. The best way to find out if your boyfriend is a gaslighter is by observing the count of self mistakes they blame on you and how much they distort reality to get out of tricky situations. 

For instance, he may say things like, 

  • “I would never have done this (a bad thing) if it wasn’t for you.” 
  • “You heard wrong; I said something else.”
  • “My tone was different than how you interpreted it.”
  • “You are crazy; I hope you get help.” 
  • “You do everything wrong.” 
  • “I wish you were different.” 
  • “I said it jokingly; stop being so mad and creating drama.” 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes long-term damage to the victim’s thinking patterns and mindset. 

So if you’re dating someone who regularly tries to put you behind bars in all debates, save yourself ASAP! Being with a toxic person is sailing on a boat with no steering; you may never be able to haul it through thunderstorms! 

22. He projects his feelings and insecurities on you.

If he’s insecure and toxic, he might project his feelings on you. This could mean he accuses you of lying, cheating, disloyalty, and whatnot!  

People project their own thoughts and feelings onto someone else as a coping mechanism. For instance, if he’s self-critical, he may go ahead and criticize you. If he’s insecure, he may frequently convey that he feels like you’re cheating under daily-life events. 

In case he isn’t mature enough to listen to you or understand your heart, he is definitely not someone that deserves you. 

23. You feel like you deserve better 

There is no better sign than your own gut. When your mind, heart, body, soul, and every part of you silently scream that you deserve better, believe it. It’s not wrong to ask for what you desire in a relationship; don’t let him make you doubt your self-worth. 

If you’ve been thinking about breaking up and ending things for a while because all such signs are telling you ‘you deserve better,‘ you really do. 

In Conclusion 

Ending things with someone you love might seem like a tough decision to make, but it will set your soul free in the long run. When you think you deserve better, it’s because you know you do. 

Work on yourself while you wait for your soulmate to find you; you don’t always have to be searching. Never let anyone make you question your worth. The right partner will bring you just the kind of love you deserve. 

You must accept your genuine self to know your own worth. When you are confident about who you are, you will surely attract a partner who gives you just the right amount of time and effort. Moreover, he will reciprocate your intense feelings. 

Always remember to teach your partner how to treat you. Never accept less than you deserve and never settle! 

Don’t accept someone who makes you question your confidence and creates self-doubt. You deserve to be with a lover who makes you happy, safe, and comfortable. Someone who allows you the space to grow and become the best version of yourself while helping you with the journey hand-in-hand. 

If you think you can find better, take the leap and go do it, girl. After all, you know what they say ‘If you never shoot, you’ll never know!’ 

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by Genesis Gutierrez

Genesis is the founder of Harness Magazine, a digital media company that celebrates and elevates the voices of women around the world. A first-generation college graduate, Genesis holds a degree in from UCLA with hopes of going back for a Masters in Social Work.

Through her work as an editor-in-chief of Harness, Genesis has dedicated herself to amplifying the stories of women specifically marginalized communities. She is committed to creating space for those who are often left out of mainstream conversations, and believes that storytelling is one of the most powerful tools we have for building community and sparking social change.


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