Learning how to regain confidence after a break up is a tough one.

Breakups are an inevitable part of life; we have all gone through them once/twice, or multiple times in our lifetime. The heart-shattering feeling is unbearable— I understand the pain you go through after a breakup. It breaks our confidence and rips away our charismatic values. 

• We are left alone to self-doubt ourselves, 
• Create new insecurities, 
• Cower in low self-esteem, 
• And live a life without any confidence in our individuality whatsoever. 

It is crucial to get back up on your feet and support yourself— to understand your own values, worth, capabilities, and unique personality. There's no doubt in the saying that you were more than enough, darling! 

"You are more than enough every time." Hold onto that thought while you go through this article and regain confidence after a painful breakup. 

Having low self-esteem is common post-breakup, but that doesn't mean it should be a permanent establishment in your life. Nonetheless, it makes navigating through a break even more difficult. As strong as you may be, you should not be doing it alone, so here we are to help you through it!

In this article, we'll be discussing the step-by-step guide on 'how to regain confidence after a breakup?'

How to regain confidence after a breakup? 

Breaking up with your loved one can have a long-lasting effect on you— it can trigger problems such as; 

• Trust issues, 
• Low self-esteem, 
• No confidence, 
• Self-doubt,
• Insecurities, 
• And mental stress. 

It is vital to remind yourself that your life is more significant than a past relationship. You have other things to look forward to!

When you're in a relationship with someone, they consume a lot of your time. In these situations, you can lose sight of yourself, who you are, and your goals for the future. 

Thus, breakups are precisely the time when you can figure out yourself and what it is that you want in your life. Not every healing journey should be focused on future goals, aspirations, and success— it can literally be anything: 

• Spending the time partying.
• Catching up on your boy/girlfriends that your partner didn't allow to be around. 
• Connecting with your family again
• Passionately investing 'that' time in self-care and self-love. How? We'll discuss it ahead in the article. 
• Decorating your present life with vigorous activities, such as drawing, singing, dancing classes, pottery, etc. As said, it can be literally anything! 

These steps are significant to your healing journey, and you realize that you are not lost yet. Let's move on to what you can do to help yourself regain confidence after a breakup! 

Healing from a breakup is a process, and every step will take time! Be patient with your journey and kind to yourself. 

1. The ways you can stay afloat
2. Processing your pain 
3. Understanding and overcoming your loneliness 
4. Healing 

First Step— The ways you can stay afloat:

You must stay afloat before accepting your pain and allowing it to leave you. You can never rush your healing journey, 

• It will take some time to overcome your denial, 
• To forgive the individual who hurt you,
• To forgive yourself and to be kind to yourself
• To accept the pain and the breakup,
• To move on with life and from your past relationship.

Thus, it's best to try and stay afloat for the initial days/weeks— rushing will overwhelm you and put you in a state of despair. 

1. To understand how you're feeling:

You should take a moment and truly understand what you're feeling. Is it anger? Hurt? Frustration? If you wish to, you can go on a deeper surface and introspect within yourself about why you're feeling the way you are. 

For example, you can ask yourself, "what is it that I need?" During this time, there can be a very lonely feeling of missing physical touch, intimate moments, and feeling unloved and uncared for.

Self-talk will undo your turmoil, detangle your mental stress and lead you towards emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is a state of mind that allows you to pen down what you need and don't need from a relationship. 

2. Having a routine:

During a breakup, you can have trouble doing regular routine activities like brushing your teeth, showering, eating three meals, even your work, or just simply getting out of bed. The melancholy takes over.

What can you do in such situations?

There are a few little things you can do to keep yourself going: 

• Getting up and going out in the sun (walk on the grass even!) and breathing some fresh air
• Instead of showering, you can wash your face and apply some dry shampoo and essential oils. 
• Instead of cooking three times a day, you can practice meal prepping or just keep snacks on hand. 

While keeping up with the bare minimum, the most essential thing is not going hard on yourself for failing these minimum tasks. 

Maintaining hygiene & health will allow you to love yourself physically. When you are freshly bathed, life seems a little less chaotic. 

Similarly, walking & eating can keep your calories and hunger in check, giving you a natural glow! That glow is sure to uplift your mood. 

Participating in these activities can remind you that you are still you— that you can still take care of yourself. 

3. Support from friends and family 

Tell your loved ones what you're going through and how you've been feeling. They can help keep a check on you. 

How to feel better with friends?

• You can do normal activities with them to help you feel cheerful or just not alone. Your friends know the most about you, and they can lift you up. 

• You can go out with them for movies, dinners, or even parties if you have the energy. Dressing up and feeling nice about yourself can help you be proud of yourself.

• If you're not ready for any of this, you can just cry on their shoulders in your stinky pajamas and have ice cream without any judgment.

They see & appreciate the good in you that your partner might have dismissed. 

Your friends and family can act as your mirror and make you stand with pride and confidence. 

4. Destressing and meditation 

With your cortisol levels high, you can feel overwhelmed and tired. Destressing through taking baths or indulging in hobbies like painting, reading, and swimming can make you feel better about certain aspects of life. 

How does meditation help?

• Meditation can help you find mindfulness and understand the depths of your emotions. 
• Breathing in and out can help with the anxiety of it all. 
• The desire to go deeper can help you know yourself and be kind to yourself. 

As discussed in these points, meditation can make you aware of your strengths. While meditating, you do not judge yourself and accept yourself for who you are.

Practicing mindfulness is exactly what you need to be more confident after a breakup. 

5. Let out your inner child.

Doing things that you did as a child or enjoyed can be cathartic. 

You can try doing the following: 

• Painting freely with no expectations or playing sports.
• Dressing up to make yourself feel good.
• Probably even making sandcastles.
• Cook yourself chocolate-filled meals.
• Playing with your friends. Hide & seek, ice-water, kabaddi, and hopscotch are great de-stressors.

Let yourself breathe and feel carefree like you did as a child.

Do you remember when you were a child and did not have a care in the world? 

Kids don't care what other people think about them; they do what they like, and so should you! This is the right time to go through those paths again and rediscover yourself.

6. Understanding that their opinion about you is not a fact.

Did your partner demotivate you for every goal you had in life and criticize you for your looks/body/strength? 

When a person insults you or makes you feel inferior, they are actually inflicting their own issues on you! Their opinion has nothing to do with you and so much to do with their own traumas. Please, don't take it to heart! Their harsh comments are a reflection of their personality, not yours! 

It's good that they are out of your life— you can focus and achieve all the goals they stopped you from succeeding.

You can finally appreciate your face and body because if you wouldn't love yourself, who would? 

7. Journaling 

Writing down 'how you're feeling' can make the pain tolerable. For centuries, we have heard how pain can make you a poet. 

It can help you organize your thoughts and even convey them to you better. Communicating with yourself is just as important as anything else. 

While journaling, I want you to focus on yourself and your qualities. Start small and write good qualities of yourself every day as an individual. I know it can be hard initially to paint a positive body and creative image of yourself when you have been criticized so much, but I still want you to try. 

It can be any physical or personality attribute of your existence— appreciate it profoundly. 

• "I'm a passionate lover!" 
• "I have beautiful eyes; people fall deep within,"
• "I'm quite an intelligent being; why am I judging myself. I know better than that!'
• "I like being chubby/bony."

I also want you to journal your past relationship— its merits & demerits to help yourself obtain a clearer image. 

Second Step— Processing your pain.

Once you have collected a little energy, it's time you use it to get better.

8. Cry your eyes out 

Initially, we are quite literally in denial of the breakup. 

• We may imagine them coming back.
• Apologizing for the mistakes made or vice versa.

However, such is not the case— break up is the final statement, and it cannot be undone no matter how much you beg or bargain with them.

So, accept that breakup; only then can you properly grieve. Don't listen to people who suggest you not to cry. 

You should cry to pour your pain out! It's healthy to scream as it will clear your mind. Do not avoid your emotions to escape pain; no, let it all out without judging yourself. 

Cry day and night if that is what you need to do. You are grieving a connection that mattered to you. It is alright to break down because we wouldn't evolve if we didn't allow it to pass through us. Crying means you are confident and brave enough to allow yourself to feel things, it is a challenging task, but you are capable of doing that!

"Pain demands to be felt." I often phrase this quote because it's true! 

9. Finding comfort in music 

One can express many emotions through music. You are allowed to listen to the music both of you shared before.

Maybe Taylor Swift can be your company today; that wouldn't be too bad!

Listening to your favorite artists who make music about breakups and their moving-on journeys can help you feel more confident. 

It is proven that music benefits your self-esteem and self-confidence by enhancing your creativity and changing your moods. It makes you feel optimistic. 

Music heals and promotes self-love. So, make sure you are connected to the world through artistic means, if not physically.

10. Relatable media and characters 

Instead of thinking about your past relationship all day long, distract yourself with your favorite movies & books. 

You may as well find a character similar to you— that will surely make you feel less alone in this chaotic breakup. 

You can see how some characters go through amazing glow-ups and start believing in themselves after a breakup. They seem happier and more confident about who they are! They're even ready to put themselves out there. 

Elle from "Legally Blonde" would tell you to get out of your PJs and own who you are because nobody can bring you down. 

Furthermore, their healing journey will inspire you and teach you great life lessons. So, stick to them! 

Sobbing over that emotional rom-com can help you confront your emotions & pain. 

11. Talk to someone professional.

Going to a counselor or a therapist can help you get back in touch with your feelings. There is no shame in reaching out to a professional; they can help you guide your way in navigating through a breakup. 

Acknowledging what went wrong or fully being able to express yourself and communicate can help a great deal. 

You can discuss your goals about regaining your confidence and take their help while you're going through this journey. Regular sessions and keeping up with your efforts and habits will help you evolve and be a better version of yourself. 

Therapy is a self-care journey that introduces you to your own emotions & helps in expressing pain. 

When you are unable to process it yourself, therapy will help tremendously. 

Third Step - Understanding and Overcoming your loneliness

12. Increasing distance & practice detachment

Increasing distance from your ex-partner gives you more time for yourself. The fact that you restrain yourself from going back to them shows a lot of resilience. 

This distance can promote self-growth and make you more confident in your relationship boundaries and choices. 

13. Focus on your goals 

Your goals are significant, and the more you do things, the more you realize that not all is lost, and it is never too late to build up the perfect life for yourself. 

It also brings to attention that the end of your relationship is not the end of the world. Life goes on, and you have better things ahead of you. 

Whether your goal is standing up for yourself or finishing that degree, you've got this! Accomplished new goals will boost your confidence tremendously, so go right ahead!

14. Resources providing support

There are support groups for people going through heartbreaks. Knowing people going through the same things can make you feel less alone and easier to confide in. 

You are already a step ahead if you are ready to pour out and show your vulnerable side. Asking for help is a sign of a self-assured, independent person who is not afraid of anything. There is nothing wrong with it, and you're only growing to be more confident. 

Being confident doesn't have to be superficial. It can mean that you trust yourself enough to make the right decisions for yourself, even if it means asking for help that others might consider weak. 

15. Spending time with animals 

• Pets allow you to be your own authentic self without any judgment. 
• They offer you limitless love. 
• They boost your mood and thereby your confidence in love and empathy.

If you cannot afford to get one, you can always shower your stray animals with love and provide them with their needs; you can also volunteer and adopt some of those furry friends!

16. Use social media carefully. 

It will be very tempting to use social media obsessively when you feel so disconnected and lonely. 

It can also make you want to talk to your ex-partner or constantly need to check what they are up to. Seeing other happy couples is bittersweet and can bring up ugly feelings. 

Take the decisive decision to manage your social media time or optimize the content you consume. Block your ex and follow people who motivate you to move on!

Take delight in the fact that you are still trying. Not giving up on yourself just says that you are stronger than you think. 

If you are surfing social media, look at influencers who have been through the same things. Surround yourself with positivity and confident people who can give you what you need, even online. 

Stop yourself from relentlessly stalking your ex; trust us, you'll thank yourself for that later. 

Fourth Step - Healing

You have to remember that healing is not linear. Even if you follow these steps, you cannot depend on everything to remain the same. You will be required to make various decisions on your own and trust your instincts to keep on the healing path. 

17. Affirmations 

Sometimes, you can forget to tell yourself that you matter. Everything you manifest will come to life, trust me! So, I suggest you manifest self-love every day!

Keep in mind to tell yourself:

• "you're enough."
• "you're strong."
• "you're trying your best."
• "you will get through it."
• "You are a beautiful person, and nobody has the right to treat you otherwise." 
• "You know how to treat yourself right, and you won't let others treat you wrong."
• "You know your worth, and nobody has the right to bring you down."
• "You are powerful; you are a prodigy!"

Daily affirmations can help you regain your confidence and build your life around them. Your bounce-back ability will surprise you, but it does not end there.

18. Help others 

This might seem unusual, but helping others can be a great reminder of how you're still needed. Being kind to others and being there for them can make things feel normal and help you feel better.

19. Believe in yourself

"Fake it until you make it." 

When you choose to do things that you might not even think are real or factual, you're training your brain into believing so. This does not mean it was fake necessarily; you just needed to have faith in yourself.

20. Forgive yourself

It is straightforward to fall under the spiral of self-pitying and blaming yourself. No matter what happened and what mistakes you made, you are allowed to give yourself a chance and move forward. You are not made up of all bad things and experiences; you are the person you allow yourself to be.

You can forgive yourself for things you did and those you did not. You have a lot to learn, and that is okay. 

Forgiving can help you feel free, make you believe in yourself, and encourage perseverance. 

Sometimes we can fall back into ugly habits and horrible coping mechanisms. Still, we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. 

Forgiving yourself takes courage, and you should appreciate yourself for that. Your confidence isn't gone; we just have to find it and bring it back again. 

21. Give yourself time 

Some individuals like to jump from relationship to relationship to not feel the pain & suffering that breakups bring. However, busying yourself in a new relationship won't heal your own pain. It will never go away, nor will your insecurities. 

Giving yourself time to process your loneliness and pain gives you a fair advantage in not getting lost.

There is no hurry; you are doing this for yourself. Giving yourself time means you're patient and understanding, which also requires bravery and honesty with yourself. This confidence is rare but not impossible because you've already been through so much. Trust me, you are ready for this. 

22. Figure out what you want 

Write down and observe what you want from your following relationships and what you will not tolerate. This kind of observance helps you stand on your own feet and sound confident about what you really want. 

You can decide what kind of people you want and draw boundaries with your ex/future partners to protect your self-worth. Boundaries aren't only for romantic relationships but are necessary for every relationship you share. 

Give your life an overview and try to distance yourself from people who bring the bad or negative out of you. Becoming confident comes with cutting down many negative things that have impacted you before. 

Following these steps can help you navigate your path but remember to drive slow when on a bumpy road!

In Conclusion

You can feel like a different person after a breakup, which is perfectly alright. We cannot all be the same person all the time; these experiences change us and shape us into who we become. The difference doesn't have to be wrong; you can learn from your experiences, do things differently, and look forward to meeting a new person. 

Do not shut yourself out to love; keep your heart open when you're ready. 

Accepting new changes helps you be more confident in life— it says that you are ready for everything life throws at you. Regaining your confidence after a breakup can remind you that you can be on your own with or without a relationship. 

Online Dating Red Flags is one of the most important things you need to spot while meeting people.

Dating apps and social media are undoubtedly the mainstream way to meet or get to know new people in the modern world. It has become common to befriend new people online and to make a great bond with them, while you miss out on online dating red flags that need your attention.  

Learning about new people and developing a connection with them is great, as long as there is genuinity. However, the real problem arrives when you start looking for "the one" online, while you ignore the red flags that you shouldn't. 

Believe me, this happens with almost all of us; the red flags could be right in front of you, waving hands to catch your attention, and you still miss them. 

The problem isn't when you love online or get too serious; the problem is when you love them so hard that you ignore all the red flags that can hurt you in the future. I know the curiosity and excitement when you meet a new person, and you really like their personality. I know it may make you want to ignore all the red flags possible, but you know what, it will hurt you in the end. 

Some online relationships and friendships can actually turn to life, but that doesn't mean it will always work. It's important to remember that not everyone is genuine and has good intentions with whatever they have on their profiles or messages. 

Here are some online dating red flags you must keep in mind. 

20 online dating red flags!

You need to know these 20 online dating red flags before getting into anything serious to save a lot of your mental peace in the future. Let’s get started!

They ask you for money

This is the first and most important red flag you must never ignore. If somebody, you have just started talking to, asks you for money, then it's one of the signs that they're talking to you for some wrong reason.

I know that you might think nobody will ask for money online until they're desperate. But you know, no matter how good they make you feel, remember you've just started talking to the person, and they shouldn't be asking for monetary help so soon. 

It's good to be kind but not stupid. If they're asking for money from you within a few days of talking; they might have done this to many people and will continue to do so. 

They say, "I love you" within days 

It’s a major red flag if they tell you they love you within a few days of talking. 

Love is very precious and finding it could be one of the most significant things you do in life. It’s not something you get by simply conversing with an unknown person for a week or two. 

Before you have it, you need to build a robust and rare connection between the two of you. I am not saying that easily falling in love with someone is wrong, but if a person can fall for you within days, it's also possible that they can fall quickly for another person too. 

A person who genuinely likes you will wait to fall in love with you slowly and will make a deep connection first. If a person is too desperate to meet you and not get to know you first, it's a red flag. 

They refuse to send you pictures

When dating online, it's essential to see each other well. This doesn’t only involve pictures on your IG profile, but also pictures you click specifically for them.  

If this new person you’ve met online denies sending you pictures or makes any excuses, then there is definitely something they're lying about. If they are being suspicious about their identity and trying to hide who they are, chances are that it's a fake profile. 

It would be best if you were careful with frauds like these. And not only when they refuse to send you their pictures, but also when they make excuses to avoid phone calls, Zoom, FaceTime dates, or in-person meetings.

Their profile is vague & unrevealing

We often say that the first impression is the last impression!

Similarly, a person’s social media profile is the first glimpse of their personality in online dating. How frequently they post, what their IG bio says, what kind of captions do they use, how they reply to their comments and what they post on their stories say a lot about their character. 

If their profile gives you vague answers, then chances are they might be dull or lazy. Dating is supposed to be fun, and you shouldn't be wasting your time on tiresome people. You deserve much more because if they offer nothing, they really have nothing to offer! 

They talk about their ex

Okay, this one is a huge red flag that you must never avoid in any circumstances. No matter how lovely you feel in the stomach after talking to this person, but if they seem to talk about their ex a lot, they definitely are not over them. 

Even when they say things like "you're so much better than my ex," it means their past is still in their head. They keep comparing you and them for nothing but to show off that now they're dating someone better than their ex. 

Dating someone new should be about a new beginning of your life and not about how good or bad their ex was. The communication should be about you two with a fresh start, and the involvement of a third party is not necessary. 

They go heavy on the sweet talk

Sweet talk is so fun, you may never be prepared for this red flag. 

If a person keeps on telling you how gorgeous, unique, intelligent, amazing, and out-of-the-world you are, chances are they are playing with you. We all have met at least one person who goes so heavy on the sweet talk without even knowing you. 

After talking to them just once or twice, they are like, "you're the best person I've ever met.” You don't have to fall for these people because they'll drag you into an unhealthy & suspicious relationship. They are only buttering you to impress you and because they are desperate to get you. 

Compliments are good but falling for them just on that basis is terrible. How good is enjoying what they say about you even when you know it's not true? This is a red flag because you can't just fall for a person who's desperate to have you instead of knowing you first! 

Perspective about "certain types" of women

Some things are tricky, and you can quickly get stuck into them. You must have seen individuals complaining about how women think, behave, look or act, especially when you start dating or talking. 

Men would compare your qualities with that of others to make you feel superior and loved. Beware of compliments that indulge comparison and degrade other women. 

• “You are not like other women/girls.” It reflects their sick mentality and opinion towards different genders. They don’t respect ‘women’ in general, but like you because you are ‘different.’
• “You are smarter than the average woman I have met in life.” 
• “You don’t behave like an average girl.”

Such men believe in generalization and are mostly prejudiced. When men compliment you by complaining about other women, they will most likely do the same with you once you guys break up. 

It's a red flag because people with such a mentality will end up judging you no matter how much they praise you at the moment. 

After all, if they can judge others, they will easily judge you as well. Not only online, but you'll meet such people like this offline too. You have to avoid them on both the platforms because neither do they matter nor their opinion!

They respond with one-word answers 

(“Is it too much to write?” just ask)

When we first start talking to someone, there might be some awkwardness, and we make sure to work on it as much as possible. We talk and try to communicate on different topics and learn about each others’ conversing qualities. 

However, people who respond after hours or with one-word answers aren't even worthy of your reply. People who give one-word answers or slow responses are confusing, and it's one of the biggest turn-offs for many people. 

You're too good to put effort into the conversation and do all the work. Instead, put that buddy on hold, and let's explore what other options you got. 

If what you both want is not aligned 

We often involve ourselves in situations that can trouble us in the future. For example, if a person asks you what you're looking for or what you are expecting from this online dating, you respond to them with something you disagree with. 

Tell people what you're strictly looking for and trust them when they tell you theirs. Tell them if you want something serious or if you are here for just a fling, and just be honest (no shame). People change with time, and it doesn't necessarily mean that a f*ckboy can never turn into marriage material or people with serious relationships can never turn to do casual hookups. 

They are embarrassed about meeting on a dating app 

Social media and dating apps have a history now, and it's not something new that you should be ashamed of. Many people meet on Instagram, tinder, bumble, or hinge and turn out to be either best friends or best lovers and are not embarrassed about where they started their journey. 

People who are ashamed of something like this and want to hide reality from the world, then trust me darling, you're too suitable for a person like this. Someone who carries two different personalities about things like this doesn't deserve to be on a dating app in the first place. 

It's time you put people like this aside and find a genuine person who cares and remembers details about your first date or other special events. A person who cares about meeting you more than where you met. 

They complain too much

For many, dating is supposed to be fun, but there is that one breed of stupids that find the negative in every situation. No matter what you do, they’ll always have some complaining to do. 

They complain about everything that's going around, and that kind of person will never be fun in a relationship. No matter how attractive their bio or pictures are, you'll understand it’s not worth it when you talk to them. 

A person who thinks negatively in every circumstance, and does not see the tiniest bit of good in anything is a major red flag. 

Life is tough on all of us, but it's beautiful too. Instead of just focusing on the bad, we should start looking towards all the good we already have, and be grateful for it. 

They don’t have enough photos

I understand that it's our personal choice to either post many pictures or none at all, but you know when you're on dating apps, you kinda have to be social. Not just to show how good you look, but also to assure that you’re not a fake account. 

There are many people who regularly create multiple fake accounts using other peoples’ pictures to trick many others into scams. You must always make sure you’re talking to a real person before you start to share about yourself. 

When there are two to three pictures on their profile, and they haven’t posted in months or even years, it is a red flag. By talking to such a person, you may open yourself to a possible scam. 

They have unrealistic photos

One of the biggest online dating red flags is a profile that looks too good to be true. By too good, I mean a profile where the person looks like a stylish model and is wearing visibly very expensive clothing! 

This may be a fake profile, and the pictures could have been downloaded from Google to impersonate someone. Always steer clear from profiles like these by asking yourself “Why is such a ‘stylishly perfect’ looking person connecting with me online?” 

You can check to see if they are real by video calling them. Make sure it is unexpected so he doesn’t get someone dolled up to talk with you, and you can see him for who he is. 

They talk themselves up a lot

If they start telling you about themselves, and not just the common info, but everything in detail like their background, family, and life, it can be a red flag. People usually take their time to open up and share personal information with anybody they meet online. 

So if someone is continuously telling you about the amazing car they drive, and how much money they make or the kind of Robin Hood life they live, chances are they are faking it to win you over. 

They warn you about themselves 

Life is too short to chase psycho, toxic people and think you’re a monk who can save them. If the person you’re talking to warns you about themselves, save yourself the time and leave them alone for good. 

If they repeatedly tell you they’re trouble, believe them. It is not your responsibility to find the good in people who can’t do it for themselves. You wouldn’t want to ignore a warning like this!

They are a party animal 

Profiles full of party shots, clubbing, vaping and other similar activities are also red flags, if you’re someone who prefers serious dating. They could easily hurt your feelings by ghosting you or being unavailable multiple times a day. 

Party animals spend most of their days socializing and regularly meeting numerous different people. They make friends every day, and if you think they’ll remember someone they met online or would think about them, you’re kidding yourself. 

So if you are someone who believes in forming a deep connection and take dating seriously, watch out for such profiles. 

They use pick-up lines you’ve heard 50 times already 

While some people are naturally great at using pick up lines to impress someone, there are many who simply Google pick up lines and copy paste in your IG direct messages. 

You need to know that they don't have a flirty personality; they're only copying and pasting lines on you, and on many other individuals. It's a big red flag because not only they're boring but they are also trying their luck on every person they find.

So, stay far away from people who use pick-up lines on you. A person with honest intentions is more important than the person who uses cringy tactics to impress you! 

They are incredibly demanding

Another major red flag is when they demand too much off you. 

Remember, a decent person will never ask for anything. People who demand for too much height, fair color, skinny body, perfect figure, and much more are simply not worth it. For them, it is more important for their partner to look a certain way than be genuinely beautiful inside out. 

It's really essential to date a guy who accepts you the way you are; who is not only genuine but also polite. People who know nothing but demand too much are a terrible company and have nothing to offer but their good-looking fake personalities.

Stay away from these materialistic people! 

Bottom line 

Online dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable rather than something that’s stressing you out. It’s a way to find new people, learn about their personalities, and possibly form a connection with them. It is not certain that you can only find your soulmate near your house or locality. Some people find their soulmates miles away, and can only date online to be together. 

Usually, people you meet online are very different. They haven’t met you in person, and they normally do not care about how you look or what your physical appearance is. They are more about how it feels to talk with you or date you. They simply like you for your personality and how you make them feel not so alone even after being so far away. 

However, all of this goes to vain when you find out the true colors of the person you’ve been dating online. This is why it's necessary to know all the red flags when online dating, because if not, you'll waste a lot of your time and be left with nothing. 

You have to stop being okay and compromising with things that can significantly affect your mental health. Online dating has made it easy to meet and get to know new people around the world. But don't forget to put yourself first, because in the end, it's you that matters.

Texting red flags can be difficult to spot sometimes. 

To find true love & the much-needed attention, we may as well deliberately ignore these texting red flags and fall for the false image. 

Yes, online texting may allow you to paint a mirage and perceive a reality completely different from what's behind those cell phones. After all, it's texting— you interpret what you want to! 

'Texting red flags' may appear later in the relationship or right after you start dating. It's best to look out for them from the very start to save yourself from: 

• A toxic relationship, 
• A relationship that lacks love and enthusiasm
• Trauma and mental stress
• Awful breakups
• And, of course, to fend yourself from wasting your precious time. 

Online dating through time: Pros & Cons

Online dating, huh? What a charmer, right? What once was difficult has now become an easy approach. You can find new people, text them, discover their personalities, and fall in love instantly over a few conversations. 

Days without online dating where you had to meet in person seem so far back in time— it's almost nostalgic. 

Dating in person was definitely a hurdle— there used to be chances that you might never meet the true love of your life, given all the differences. 

• They might be in a different city/country, and who travels the world just to find true love? (Exceptions included)

• How many individuals would you date to find your 'perfect one?' It's already exhausting. 

• How many countries would you visit, and how often would you 'accidentally collide' with the perfect one? The truth is, the chances were scarce! 

Here comes social media and online dating apps— they are much easier to meet people across countries and find interests over a few texts now. 

As fascinating as online dating seems, it certainly arises few dilemmas at hand—

• It's not as transparent as it looks to the outer world.
• Social media and the people interacting with it often showcase a fake exterior. 
• Virtual connections are weak and lack emotional depth.

One such major social media disadvantage is dealing with creepy perverts and unstable individuals online. You never know if the person is genuine or has other motives. This leads us to our current discussion, 'texting red flags and why avoid them?’ 

Ten major texting red flags you must avoid at all cost! 

Please note: You can resolve some of these red flags through open communication. It's never bad to fall for a person over texts, but ensure that your relationship is moving forward from virtual texting to real-life outdoor dates! 

You can read and tell much more about them while meeting in person. So, before you choose to end it all— I highly suggest thinking everything over and openly communicating about what's bothering you.

1. Dry texter— nobody likes one-word replies. 

If your only means of communication is texting, you would want it to be exciting and stimulating. However, if your new interest doesn't show any curiosity in making the conversation more lively and fun— they are probably not worth your time. 

The truth is, nobody wants a partner who is dull and uninterested. If they are not interested in knowing you— they are not interested in dating you either. 

The same goes with old relationships— if your partner is not as enthusiastic as they used to be back in time, they have lost interest in this relationship. Please note that it's not always the case; there may be other reasons for their sudden behavior change. 

Ask them if everything is alright and that you are here if they need you. Don't jump to conclusions and hurt your partner. Sometimes, we may read the situation/texts wrongly and create major misunderstandings. 

If the situation remains the same, it's best to let go of that person. You shouldn't fight for their struggles. As harsh as it may sound, it's the truth.  

2. The person texts you all day long.

Texting is good when done within certain limits. If this person texts you all day long, they don't have a life apart from you. 

• Such individuals deal with toxic attachment and separation anxiety.
• They are clingy and attention-seeking. 
• They probably don't have ambitions. 
• They definitely don't understand personal space and boundaries. 

3. They interrogate your whereabouts every minute.

General curiosity is darling and shows that your partner is interested in you. However, if they are persistent in constantly asking questions despite your unwillingness— you might be dealing with a jealous or insecure person. 

• "Where are you?"
• "Who are you with?"
• "You said you were with your mom, why are you with your friends now?" 
• "Can I get a photo of you at your current location?"
• "Who is Jacob in your following list?"
• "Why have you posted so many photos with other boys/girls?"
• "Why do you follow so many girls/boys?"

This relationship is deemed toxic; it can even worsen if they are controlling. Please, avoid such individuals at all costs! 

4. They leave you 'on read' for hours/days without an explanation.

We understand that life gets busy from time to time. There will be days when you can't text your partner for personal reasons, and it's completely fine. 

What's not fine is leaving them 'on read' for hours without an explanation. 

Once or twice can be an accident; however, if your partner repeats the same cycle repeatedly, they have become habitual. Don't avoid such behavior to save the relationship. No, they will start taking you for granted and won't even consider it a mistake! 

"A mistake repeated over and over again is a decision."

Please note: As bizarre as it may sound, some individuals truly aren't social media enthusiasts (including myself). Of course, they will have mobile phones at hand and social media accounts. However, they might not be very keen on the notifications or phone calls. 

Being a no-phone-bee, I never date through texts; I like going outside and away from the phone. Please inform your friends/partner about your nature if you are such an individual. Anything otherwise will mislead them into believing that you are not interested. 

5. They never text first.

"This isn't high school!" Relationships thrive on equal efforts and enthusiasm. If you are the only one starting every conversation and making sure that it goes on— you are wasting money on the wrong bet.

It clearly indicates that the person you are dating/about to date isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. Even as a teenager, it's time you learn that a relationship isn't a battle between two individuals. 

Please note: Texting first doesn't make you seem desperate; it shows that you are interested. Talk things out with your partner, and if they are still unwilling to make changes— they have a long way to go, and you don't have to go along with them!

6. They close off and believe in the silent treatment. 

The silent treatment is never good in a relationship— it will create misunderstandings and barriers between the two of you! If your partner isn't mature enough to talk things through— don't waste your time on them.

Such individuals will stop texting you after a small fight or inconvenience and wouldn't reply despite all your efforts. This is a major texting red alert because it shows that your partner might be passive-aggressive. 

7. They get aggressive over late replies.

Please note: this texting red flag is difficult to identify because we might not notice their passive-aggressive behavior at the start. Individuals with anger issues may also have split personality disorder, making everything worse. 

They will scream at you and soothe you with sweet lies if you start crying. Such individuals are controlling and may try to control you with sweet talks. 

• Do they get angry over every late reply or missed phone call? 
• Do they unleash their anger before even listening to your explanation? 
• Do they misjudge your texts constantly and speak ill to you without understanding? 

It's a major texting red flag. Passive-aggressive behavior can also be seen in sweet texts, such as, 

• You don't reply for a couple of minutes, and they instantly send you an "If you are busy, why text me at all?" (Of course, with cute emojis to sound normal)

• They try to make you jealous for not replying. For instance, "Fine, don't text me. I'll talk to jasmine."

More examples of passive-aggressive texting: 

• "If you don't reply right now, I'll never talk to you ever!"
• "I'm chill, I didn't want to talk to you anyway." 

If you are sensing threats or facing online dating abuse, please report their account and the person physically.

8. They only text when they need you

You never notice how they treat you daily when you are blinded in love. If your 'date/partner' only texts you when they need something from you, they keep you close for advantage and not out of love. 

Do they only text you when they want to have sex with you or when they want 'money' from you? This 'texting red flag' is also difficult to point out. Such individuals are often fake, sneaky, and good talkers. They will start complimenting you when they need you and will shower you with praises. 

Once you fulfill their needs, they vanish in thin air. Also, such individuals may get angry or break things up if you don't meet their demands. 

9. The only text exchanges are nudes. 

Did your relationship suddenly lose all the romantic charisma and start revolving around sexting and sending nudes? It's completely fine to have sexual relationships (no feelings attached) if both parties have a similar drive. 

However, if that's not your case— the chances are that your partner is only up for sex. All the sweet talk they initiated was to trap you in! 

10. Getting serious too soon in a relationship

Of course, everyone wants a partner who is loving and committed. Nonetheless, commitments that come before time are even scarier. It takes time for a relationship to grow physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. 

It's a major 'texting red flag' when your partner starts talking about the future together without even meeting once. 

Such individuals will demand commitment from you early on and might as well put you in guilt if you don't agree with them. They might be dealing with unhealed traumas, and it's better off without them.

The indifference in commitment will never end well. It's best to choose a partner with similar goals for the relationship. 

11. Make you feel guilty for late replies. 

Making someone feel guilty is just as damaging as being aggressive towards them. If your date makes you feel bad for late replies, they will make you feel bad about everything in the coming months. That's how they control you— through guilt. 

A healthy relationship thrives on understanding & freedom. Let your partner/date go if they expect too much from you and make you feel bad over unreturned expectations! 

They would often text something like,

• "Am I asking too much? It's just a text I'm expecting back. Am I wrong in doing so? Fine, I'm sorry, I'm always wrong."

• "Not talking to you makes me sad, and that's why I get upset 'because I love you so much!'

• I'll not eat if you don't text me. Would you rather prefer your job over my health?" etc. 

Let Them Go!!! 

12. They often fight while conversing.

Fights are pretty good in a relationship, but if that's the only thing between the two of you, you need to reconsider the relationship. 

Fights over every small dilemma signal that your partner maybe 

• Aggressive in real life, 
• Has anger issues, 
• And isn't very understanding to begin with. 

13. You never have healthy conversations with them.

Their conversations often point to uncomfortable debates. They are sweet talkers and lovely to be around. However, their political stance confuses or triggers you. 

• They may take your emotions lightly and try to laugh it out. "C'mon, don't be a baby! You cry about everything— be a man!"

• "I just have a different perspective than that of yours— feminism is such a stupid concept." 

• "I don't need therapy! How offensive of you to suggest something like that."

14. They talk about themselves all the time

During interactions, all you hear is, "me, I, my, myself!" A relationship is about two people connecting & existing together. 

If they only talk about themselves, you never were a part of the relationship. They only chose you to talk about themselves and aren't least interested in knowing you! 

15. They avoid questions and are usually vague.

You don't know much about your partner, and they are unwilling to share anything soon. If it's already been quite a month into the relationship and you still don't know anything about your partner, they might be reserved & don't trust you. 

It's better to end a relationship where you feel like being with a stranger than to suffer in silence and unanswered questions. 

16. Text bombing

Do you not have any relief from constant notifications? It doesn't matter if you are in a meeting, another phone call, with your family or friends— you constantly hear them texting you, and it does get frustrating. 

If your partner doesn't stop texting you and it's disturbing your normal day-to-day life— talk to them about their habits. If nothing resolves after explaining it to them a million times, it's best to end it here. 

17. They ask you uncomfortable questions.

You don't want to disclose yourself early in the relationship, and there are still conversations you don't want to touch. If your partner persists even after politely denying it— they are far away from the concept of 'personal boundaries & space.'

• "How many guys have you slept with?
• "Isn't your mom a celebrity? Tell me everything about her!"
• "Why did your dad leave you?"
• "Am I a better kisser than your ex?"
• "Who's better in bed— your ex or me?"
• "Can you afford an expensive life for us?"

There are no definitive parameters for what's universally uncomfortable to ask in a new relationship. Every individual is different and will have different comfort zones, and they will inform you of the same. 

18. They confuse you with 'buts' and excuses.

Are you dating, but at the same time, not dating your partner? Does your partner hang you in the middle without any accurate answers? 

• "I love you so much, but I'm not sure…." What are you unsure about, exactly?

• "I desperately want to have a deep connection with you, but I'm scared of falling apart. Can we keep it casual?” (they say after months of dating)

• "I don't want to make it official; I want to wait for the right time because you are special, and I don't want to spoil that feeling." They will ignore you and treat you like a stranger to the outer world. Trust me; it doesn't look like you are special to them at all. 

• "They treat you as a friend in chat groups."

They don’t want to let you go and they are not very fond of you either— such individuals may keep you around as a back-up plan for temporary satisfaction or other personal reasons.  

Conclusion

If you have already fallen in love with the wrong person and are confused about their feelings and weird behavior— let them go & detach yourself! 
Don't close your eyes to ignore their misconduct— it will end up bad and mentally traumatizing you in future relationships. They will leave you behind with insecurities and trust issues, so connect carefully! Being single is great until you find the right person.

Learn the Lesson

The most important part of self-forgiveness is acknowledging your mistakes and accepting full responsibility for them. We all make mistakes. In fact, research shows that we all have moments of weakness — those instances when we choose to act out rather than use our power for good.

That being said, there are things you can do to prepare for those moments so that they don’t end up hurting anyone else or taking over your life.

Don’t keep harming others or yourself. You were given the power to choose whether or not to use your power to harm others or yourself. If you choose not to use it, nobody has to get hurt. There are plenty of other ways to positively impact the world!
Shift your focus to what you can control. This is the essence of self-forgiveness. It is not about looking back and placing blame on other people or things — it's about choosing to put the blame where it belongs: on you. When you understand that you are solely responsible for your actions, it's much easier to forgive yourself.

Forgive Yourself

We all have moments when we’re not at our best. It’s a part of life. We all age. We all struggle. We all make mistakes. Forgiving yourself means letting go of the past and looking towards the future. It’s about choosing to move forward and build a better life for yourself.

Accept that you’re human. We all have flaws. We all do things we’re not proud of. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human.
Own your mistakes. There is no good way to kick a habit or an addiction. You were in control when you chose to act out. Own your part in it and take responsibility for your actions. This is the first step towards self-forgiveness.
Focus on what you can change. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet to come. So, instead of beating yourself up for what has already happened, focus on the here and now. What can you do to make things better? How can you make amends where possible?

Let Go of the Pain

The hardest part about self-forgiveness is accepting that you’re going to feel bad. You’re probably going to feel like a failure. You’re probably going to feel like somebody — or a lot of somebodies — have let you down. You’re probably going to feel like a burden to others. You’re probably going to feel like a disappointment.

Get all of that out of your system before you can move on.
Realize that nobody is perfect. Nobody has all of the answers. Nobody is always going to be there for you. Nobody is perfect. So, if somebody let you down, don’t shame them for it. Shame yourself for being so weak that you didn’t say or do anything to change that dynamic.
Give yourself permission to feel all of those things. You have a right to feel every single one of them. After all, you’re human. You’re allowed to feel those things.

Be Proactive Instead of Reactive

As humans, we are constantly searching for ways to improve ourselves. We all have moments when we’re reactive — when we respond to things based on the past rather than the present. We all have moments when we’re defensive — when we lash out instead of listening.

Those are all perfectly understandable reactions.
However, proactive behaviour is not only a better way to respond to life’s challenges, it’s a better way to live. It’s about choosing to respond to situations based on what you want rather than what you’ve been told you “should” do.
Choose your battles wisely. Fight the ones you really want to win. Fight the ones that matter. Avoid pointless arguments and don’t let anybody “ Drain you of your energy.

Speak Up for Yourself

As women, we are taught to be caring. We are taught to put others before ourselves. We are taught to be patient and kind. We are taught not to speak too much because we are supposed to be nurturing and gentile.

That all being said, nobody is going to feel your pain for you. Nobody is going to give you a “free pass” when you mess up. You have to be willing to say that you are sorry when you are wrong. You have to be willing to let go of the past and move forward.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody is always going to be there for you. You have to be willing to let go of the past and move forward.

Take Your Power Back

If there’s one thing that unites people, it’s a desire to feel powerful. There is a reason people turn to drugs and alcohol, gamble, and have affairs — they want to feel powerful. We all want to feel like we have control over our lives.

The problem is that most of us have been taught that the only way to feel powerful is to control other people.
That isn’t true power. That is a false illusion of power. Real power is found in the ability to control yourself. Self-forgiveness is found in the ability to let go of the past and move forward. Power is found in the ability to be proactive rather than reactive.

Conclusion

We all make mistakes. There are plenty of times in life when we are not at our best. We all have weaknesses. We all have things we want to change.

Forgiveness is not a decision to be taken lightly. It is a process that demands self-reflection and a deep understanding of your motivations. If you are able to self-forgive, it is because you have come to terms with the past and are ready to move forward.

I stood in front of the mirror a few seconds longer, trying on a few different facial expressions to see which one was my “best look.” Not that it made such of a noticeable difference; I looked the same way that I looked every day: athletic shorts, flannel shirt, backwards hat on top of tousled blond hair that had been naturally highlighted by the glorious Colorado sun. Despite the fact that I had both showered and shaved for the first time in a week, nothing really looked that special about me.

But today was different. Today I needed to be different. Because today, I was hanging out with Josh.

Ruggedly handsome and ridiculously cocky, Josh was my coworker at summer camp that year. I spent my days camping and hiking with tweens and teens all week, and he spent his days planning events and meeting with group leaders. I had fallen for him hard, and every opportunity to spend time with him sent my heart stuttering, my stomach clenching, and my thoughts turning supremely self-conscious.

Though every part of me was crying out to know and be known by him, I generally hid myself behind constant smiles and laughter, faked nonchalance, and pretended bravery. The desire to be known by this boy was trumped by my need to avoid rejection. I was sure that rejection would hurt less if there was less of me to reject, and that rejection itself would be a less probable outcome if he didn’t really know who I was. So even while we drew closer, I found myself feeling less and less known.

Fast forward nine years, and that ruggedly handsome boy and I got married and had four children in quick succession. And here I am again, standing in front of a different mirror, fighting that all-too-familiar craving to be known with a steady dose of self-protection.

This time, when I come up against him in a disagreement or a tense situation, I pull out new weapons of warfare: instead of wielding shyness and nonchalance, I brandish anger, sarcasm, frustration, and exhaustion. I butt up against his defenses, rather than lowering my own. We come away from our conversation both seen and heard, but not known. Because in order to be known, you must share your secrets. You must reveal your weaknesses. You must lay down your weapons—and yourself be exposed to attack.

As I stare in the mirror, blue-green eyes glassy with unshed tears, the same tousled blond hair now tied up into a mom-bun, I know that I have to go back out there and be vulnerable with him. But my fears are holding me back:

What if he laughs at me?

            What if he runs away, or pushes me away?

            What if he thinks I’m silly or stupid?

            What if…he doesn’t care?

            Six years of marriage, and the doubts are still here. We have never walked out on each other, said that the other one’s thoughts or ideas are stupid, or led each other to believe that either of us didn’t care. We have spent six years building trust with each other, and yet the insecurities are still rising up my throat. Because maybe there is no amount of time that can erase our fear of being known.

Which is why the dare remains for us all, every day, to let ourselves be vulnerable enough to be known. To let others into our hearts, even though they might hurt us. To dare to see someone, even if they don’t see you back. It is undeniably risky to lay down our weapons and our defenses, and to reveal our own weak and messy and delightful selves. But if you decide today that risking rejection is not worth it, then you will risk something even more valuable: losing out on being known and loved for who you are.

Ahead there is the life I have made for myself
Ahead there is happiness in all walks of life that I decide to take
Ahead there is the choices I make
To explore any and everything that I see fit for me
Because reality is, I create me
No one else
Only I can make up the person I’m meant to be
And others have no choice but to recognize my true being
But they can only do so when I say that
Ahead there is me
Recognizing that everything I’ve ever dreamed
Is what I’m meant to be
Everything I think I can do
Is what will happen for me
Behind me is the person I was
But ahead there is the person I am meant to become

“Today” is a word that I have no meaning to put into it

Because today is the day that I confess I don’t even know anything

Cause life is just a cycle of confusion

A never ending need to understand things that

Don’t even have meanings

But we put one to them

We conjure up our own meanings and tell the world that

Today is the day I decide what this thing is here for and why we need it

I have no idea what else to say about this topic

Except that

It has no meaning

But I’ve travelled to the deepest parts of myself

And lifted the one idea that made sense to me to tell everyone that

Today is the day I put a meaning to my own life

Today is the day I live with my own mind

Today is the day that I write

And draw

And sing

And dance

And enjoy my life to the fullest

So that I can put meanings to every experience I create for myself

Because I’m tired of living by others’ rules

When the music reaches my ears

The heightening boom of sound activates my body with movement

The rhythm washes over me

Like the ocean tide on sand

Every new day feels like the first

And our relationship is given a rebirth

And I feel the need to get to know you

As I would a new friend

I show you off when my arm does a wave

When my torso moves from place to place

When I roll my body and circle my waist

When my legs kick up in the air

You are my escape, my true love

You are the language that my body is meant to speak

You are the poetry to my dancing feet

Whenever days get hard, you take over my soul and heal me

Long Distance relationships, *sighs* Long Distance Relationships BREAK UPS, *even bigger sighs*  

All we can say is—“they are tough.” We know all different kinds of relationships have their challenges, but long-distance relationships are tested by the very distance between the two partners. In an LDR, communication can be more demanding, and a lot of understanding and effort is required to make things work. 

However, people still choose to be attracted to that one stranger rather than hundreds of people passing them by every day. They enjoy talking and spending time with that one person online who is more connected to them than any known individual near. 

With networking apps and dating websites lessening the physical or social distance between people, long-distance relationships are becoming trendier and more manageable as each day passes. 

Now, more and more people find themselves in a relationship with someone they may have not even met in real life but know through social media. It’s not as bizarre or rare of an occurrence as you may think it is!

However, no matter the kind of relationship, things may go south. And when that happens, you feel broken as something you presumed infinite and unbreakable seems shattered in front of your own eyes. People break up, and sometimes it is okay for that to happen. 

While you may struggle to deal with a breakup, let me tell you, it’s a sign you cared, which is not necessarily a bad thing. 

“If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.”

There are a lot of articles that talk about how you can make your long-distance relationship work, but they don’t tell you anything mildly related to a long-distance breakup. So we’re here to do just that!

Let’s get honest about long-distance relationship breakups and everything they entail. 

Is the distance between the two of you causing real harm?

When two people are in a romantic relationship, physical intimacy and communication are the two main pillars required to make things work. In a long-distance relationship, this may get tough. 

Partners in a long-distance relationship may see each other very less frequently or on occasions like holiday breaks and vacations. This can be harmful or helpful to the relationship depending upon how the partners view it. Of course, not being able to be physically present in places or situations where your partner needs you may cause some damage. 

As a matter of fact, strong communication is always required to make a long-distance relationship or any other kind of relationship last. When people are in an LDR, most communication may happen through texts or calls. Only texts and calls do not help a person understand the non-verbal cues (such as gestures) their partner may use to communicate. 

The chances of miscommunication or misunderstandings are also more significant when it comes to dating someone who lives far away. 

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, it is essential for you and your partner to be secure and understanding, to fully trust each other, and realize that we all get busy sometimes. If you think your long-distance partner is mature in all such cases, then it might be time to consider that the distance is not the real culprit or cause of the breakup. 

As long as the two partners are understanding and trust each other, the distance can cause no harm. Instead, the distance can give both parties the time to work on themselves individually and even work towards their goals. 

When do most long-distance relationships end?

There is no particular time to recognize when a long-distance relationship might end. Still, there are two situations that partners often find themselves in when in a long-distance relationship. 

There can be one of either cases: 

Scenario 1. You are already in a long-distance relationship, and for some reason, you or your partner believe things just aren’t working out for the both of you anymore. 

You may be in an LDR for a few months and later realize it’s not your cup of tea as you have no idea where the relationship is going. This can get frustrating and lead to a breakup. 

OR 

Scenario 2. You are in a relationship, and one of you has to move away for work or education. If you or your partner decides to move away for a few years, it shouldn’t be much of an issue. 

You may believe that you can handle a few months of long-distance, or maybe even a few years. But if your partner isn’t going to be back anytime soon, you might want to give the whole long-distance thing a second thought. In a situation like this, you can consider staying friends after a breakup. 

If you’re not feeling the same way about the long-distance relationship as you did at the beginning of it, you might want to talk it out with your partner and mutually come to a solution for the problem. 

Even if you fail to find a solution and the both of you break up, your partner is less likely to be emotionally hurt than they would be if you just suddenly broke up with them. 

What is the cause of a long-distance breakup? 

There may be a lot of reasons why couples in long-distance relationships might decide to end their relationship. Sometimes, they may also seem petty to an outsider but may have an underlying issue that only the couple knows of. 

Long-distance breakups can stem from one of two reasons:

1. Distance

Many people believe that ‘distance makes the heart fonder,’ but this may not always be the case. For some couples, distance can be a prominent issue, as it can make communication more strenuous and physical intimacy even lesser. 

A lot of people may not be able to handle long-distance relationships, leading to unnecessary arguments and toxic behavior patterns. It is best to break up in cases like this if you wish not to get caught in a rut of toxicity in a relationship. 

2. Feelings 

Very often, couples may know how to make a long-distance relationship work. They are secure, understanding, and trust their partner, but they may decide they are better off as friends. 

In a long-distance relationship, the frequency of physical intimacy may be a lot lesser than in any other relationship. In cases like these, people may realize that their feelings about their partner have changed. They do not feel as romantically interested or attracted to them anymore as they did previously. 

Some of the other common reasons why long-distance relationships may end in a break up are:

• The two partners do not see a future as one 
• One or both partners are insecure or uncertain about the relationship 
• A lack of effective communication 
• Extreme and frequent arguments or fights 
• The means to visit each other frequently are not available or easily accessible
• One or both partners lose feelings or their attachment to the other 
• One or both partners develop feelings for other people after some time in the long-distance relationship

If you or your partner can relate to any of the above reasons, it may be time for you to consider ending your long-distance relationship. 

Signs your long-distance relationship is heading towards a breakup 

Understanding the cause behind a breakup is important, but sometimes we can see the signs and refuse to accept them. 

To understand if your long-distance relationship is heading towards a breakup, here are 12 signs you must be on the lookout for:

1. Talking to your partner feels like a chore 
2. You’re not excited about seeing them in person or even talking to them anymore 
3. They are ignoring your texts 
4. They have suddenly been more “busy” than ever before 
5. You’re not as happy in the relationship as you once were 
6. You don’t see a future or plan it with your partner, and neither do they
7. You’re sexually frustrated due to the lack of physical intimacy 
8. You find yourself feeling insecure about where they are or what they’re doing at all times 
9. There hasn’t been effective communication between the two of you for days 
10. The relationship starts to feel one-sided
11. There have been constant fights and arguments lately 
12. You or your partner feel “stuck” in the relationship 

These signs may not be the only ones you need to trust. If you genuinely believe that things are not working out between you and your partner, the sign you might just need could be your gut feeling. Go with it; it can be a good guide most times! 

How can you end your long-distance relationship the right way?

Breaking up with someone can be challenging, let alone if it’s a long-distance relationship break up. Sometimes you may decide you want to end the relationship, but you don’t want to hurt your partner emotionally. 

Here’s how you can end a long-distance relationship with minimal, if not zero, emotional damage to both you and your partner:

Step 1: Figure things out yourself, first 

It’s time to dig deep, understand your feelings and acknowledge them. Ask yourself questions like (1) why do you want the relationship to end, (2) how you would feel once the relationship has ended, and so on. 

Give yourself the time and space to feel your emotions before moving forward with the breakup. There is a difference between acknowledging your feelings and telling yourself how you should be feeling. Recognize the difference between the two and act accordingly. 

Think clearly about what your feelings are about breaking up with your partner. Some things that may help with this can be:

• Listing down the concerns regarding your long-distance relationship 
• Listing down your reasons for deciding on breaking up with your partner (p.s. keep this list to yourself)
• Understand how you feel by journaling your thoughts and emotions 
• Understand and differentiate between your positive and negative feelings 
• Be as clear and specific as possible 

With the help of these, you will be able to chart out your feelings and clearly understand why you may be feeling the things you do. 

Step 2: Let your partner know. 

Imagine this; you’re in a healthy and lovely relationship. Suddenly one day, your partner decides that they do not want to be in a relationship with you anymore and leaves you alone with a simple “Hey let’s just break up” text. It sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? Well, don’t be this partner. 

Tell your partner and communicate with them openly why and what you have been feeling about your relationship with them. You want to be careful not to be rude or feel like you’re blaming the other person. When you want to break up with your long-distance partner, make sure you do it the right way and communicate with them why you have decided that it may be best to end things. 

Mutually breaking up can cause a lot less damage than one person just deciding on doing so. 

Here is how you can do this effectively: 

1. Ask them if it is a good time to talk 
2. Speak to them only about your emotions 
3. Refer to the list previously made 
4. Ask them if they understand what you are saying 

You must let them feel the way they do and express those feelings openly too. 

Step 3: Find a way or come to a mutual agreement to end things. 

After you have stated your concerns and they have too, you can talk things out and mutually decide how the both of you want to move forward. This makes sure that both partners involved (in the relationship) do not feel abandoned or betrayed by the other person. Once you’ve heard how your partner feels, you can both pick which road to take after discussion. 

Sometimes, both partners may not agree. In cases like this, go ahead and do things by letting your gut feeling lead. If you believe you have given them enough time to speak, and if things still don’t work for you, go ahead and break up. 

But before you do, make sure you objectively view the situation and understand your partner’s perspective too. Making haste and rash decisions can cause a lot of regret in situations like these. Be sure of what you’re feeling, your decision, and why you are making it. 

How to recover from a long-distance relationship breakup?

A lot of effort and time is required in letting yourself heal after a long-distance relationship breakup. 

Here are five tips that can make the process a little easy for you

1. No avoidance 

As tempting as it may seem at the time, do not avoid the grieving process of your breakup. Give yourself the time to grieve the loss of your partner and the future or expectations you had from the long-distance relationship. 

2. Reflect upon the lessons 

Take your time and understand what you have learned from your long-distance relationship. Where it went wrong may seem like a dreadful thought but use it (within a limit) to positively impact your future relationships and understand what works and what doesn’t work in a long-distance relationship. This would be helpful for you if you were to ever get in one again. 

3. Don’t look back 

We know the “what-ifs” and “buts” can be tough to get over, but don’t look back. Do not think about getting in touch with them again and cut all communication ties. Trust us; you’re better off this way. 

4. Stay away from negativity. 

If there are things that remind you of your ex negatively, you must get rid of them. It is time for you to let go of any old pictures or even gifts that they may have given. 

Rearranging or reorganizing your room may also help you get rid of things that negatively impact you or hold you back. Don’t be afraid to move on; it’s a good thing. You have a whole different world to explore!

5. Don’t take yourself on a guilt trip.

When long-distance relationships end, it can be easy to feel guilt and blame yourself for the way things ended. Understand that a relationship, especially a long-distance one, works both ways and that it wasn’t your fault that things ended. 

Tell yourself that you will be okay (we know easier said than done), and eventually, you will be able to see the silver lining in this dark cloud. Focus on personal growth and work to become an even better person. This will make sure you’re confident and love yourself. 

In Conclusion 

Relationships can be emotional rollercoasters for a lot of people, and breakups are the lowest low of this rollercoaster. We understand that long-distance relationship breakups can be even more brutal to deal with without the constant communication that you and your partner previously had. 

It may sometimes take longer for the grieving process to set in after the breakup when the relationship is long-distance. For most people, the effect of the separation is not extreme; this also does not mean that they are unaffected by it. Long-distance breakups, in general, tend to be a lot less dramatic. 

It can also be easier for the partners to cut off communication as they may not see each other or bump into each other as often. However, if you’re struggling to deal with your long-distance relationship breakup, we’re here to tell you that it is okay to take your time and seek professional help if you feel the need to do so. 

Remember, the distance may make the heart grow fonder, but not in all cases! So it’s okay to break up, and it’s okay to have someone break up with you. Breakups can teach you many lessons you may need for your future relationships.

Ever hear things like "you should be so deep in self-love that no one else matters"? To me, that doesn't sound very compelling because of course other people matter! Angel, my daughter is my favorite person in the world, and she deserves my unconditional love. My dad, partner, friends all matter so when I hear coaches/mentors/teachers use messages like that I wanna stop them and remind them that message needs to be a bit longer. It should say "you should be so deep in self-love that no one else gets to tell you if you matter and those you love get the most authentic version of you to love".

Self-love isn't about not needing other people, it doesn't make you selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical or any of the other bullshit things people tell us. It also doesn't mean that once we get into a place of radical self-love we stop caring about others, the world and the greater good. In fact, we actually do more of that. Radical self-love is about feeling so safe, so secure in who you are underneath all the past hurts, traumas, all the messed-up messages we learn as children that we love all parts of ourselves and say a big yes to being that deeply authentic version of us in all ways. We can love others deeper from that place because we love ourselves deeper.

For example, a client of mine was struggling in her marriage and feeling like she wasn't sure if she wanted to be in it anymore. She found herself judging everything about him, everything he did or didn't do, said, or didn't say. If he wanted sex or tried to touch her, she was at the point of snapping at him. She was snapping at her kids too for simple things, things that kids do and shouldn't ever be grounds for anger. So, in one of our first sessions, I had her go into a meditation and asked her did she love herself, truly and fully. She just started sobbing. I already knew the answer, but she needed to admit it because the truth was, she didn't love herself at all and was raised to see herself as selfish if she wanted anything, felt pretty or smart or proud of herself. Her mother drilled into her that she shouldn't want for too much, she should achieve good grades quietly and without boasting because she was expected to get good grades, go to college, secure a husband, make him happy, have children, devote her life to them and never, ever want for herself which led her to a place of not even liking the woman she saw in the mirror. She felt like a machine that just did for everyone else and tried to make everyone else happy and never concerned herself with making her happy because that was selfish, that was being lazy and not taking care of others. If she expressed her hurt or need to be seen and loved as a kid, she was reprimanded and told she was too emotional and being a bother.

So, she sobbed when asked the question of if she loved herself because of course, she didn't, it was never ok to love herself before, so she didn't know how now. She had gotten to a point where she felt so depleted within that she was resentful of any want her husband had for her or of her. She felt constantly overwhelmed, stressed, depleted and it had gotten to the point her husband was practically begging her to do something to make herself happy. We started working together and as I started explaining how important it was for her to find self-love, she became concerned. She asked the question most of my clients do "if I love myself so much, I won't need my husband anymore, right?"

It's a common fear and I followed it up the way I typically do in asking "if you felt so much love for yourself right now that you felt filled up, alive, confident and secure in asking for the help you want, the needs you want, the boundaries and desires you have how would you feel about and treat your husband". She closed her eyes and held the question and then just started spewing all the words like "I'd want to be cuddled by him on the coach, I'd want him to touch me, to have sex with him, I'd tell him what I need help with, what I'm overwhelmed by, I'd want to spend more time with him doing things we used to do, I'd be so much calmer with the kids and let them know when I need a moment, I'd want to play with them more". She went on from there, but you get the point…when you feel filled up with self-love you can't help but want to overflow that love into others.

So how do you start getting to that point? To start feeling deeper self-love and allowing it to improve and enhance your relationships? I go over this in this week's Sensual Power Podcast episode but I'm going to give you some exercises here:

First, ask yourself these questions, close your eyes and meditate on them then jot down whatever comes up:

If I loved myself more, what would I do, ask for?
How would I treat myself if I felt deeper self-love?
How would I show up in my partnership/friendships/with kids if I felt deeper self-love?
How would I care for myself?

Once you have those answered start tapping into your heart to find the you that loves yourself so deeply already and has expansive self-love. I have a full recording of this meditation available on my podcast but here's the breakdown:

· Close your eyes, start slowly breathing in through your nose and release slower through your mouth focusing on your heart (maybe place hands on your heart too).
· Breathe a white glittery light into your body imaging this is a light from universe/source/creator/whatever resonates for you.
· If you notice tension in the heart space offer it lots of compassion and see if you can understand what the tension/tightening is. If it feels safe keep going and let this be without making it mean anything.
· Now visualize or connect to the most loving part of you, it'll show up however it wants so no need to force or try to find it, just ask it to show up and wrap itself around the tension melting lots of love into your heart space.
· Once the tension is eased see yourself walking on the beach next to this most loving part of you, feeling sun streaming down, feeling warmth, hearing waves gently coming up to the shore.
· Take time to talk to this part of you "what are it's passions, what are it's dreams?" (Take note to jot these down later and ask anything else you'd like.
· Turn to face this part of you and let it melt into you so instead of being face to face you become one with it to BE your most loving self. Continue walking down the beach till you come into the very center of your heart where a castle exists, this castle is the castle of your heart and see it as beautiful and radiant as you can.
· Walk inside and see the beauty of a grand expansive room and see a beautiful golden thrown there. It's the thrown of your most loving self so when you sit on it you are in the full power of your love. What do you notice about yourself when you sit on this thrown? What do you do for yourself, for others when you sit on this throne of your heart? How do you speak, act, show up, love from this place?
· When you feel like you have the answers, you're meant to receive at this moment let the visualization fade away and come back into yourself and take notes in a journal. Anytime you need a reminder of self-love or guidance from a place of self-love come back to this space.

I need a lone wolf

Hunger for a partner, not a pack.

I need, follow me to the ends of the earth

Light it up and watch it burn (together).

I need, leave it all behind

Like Bonnie and Clyde.

I need persistence over existence

Courage and survival.

I need intoxicating passion

No strings to other webs,

Webs entrap, hold back.

I need wholly devotion

Connection to one.

I need a garnet love—

Run wild and burn the sun.

THREE WOMEN…..ONE LIFE

Sometimes inspiration comes from irritation. A recent vexing conversation got me thinking.  Who were three women that had the most impact on me in my youth? I leave out my mother-that’s a totally different kind of impact from what I’m talking about.  I’m referring to the external world, the women that showed me something different from my maternal world.  A type of woman that has you soaking in what they have to teach you without you or they even being aware of it. You occupy their world as a friend or relative and the time spent with them weaves into the fabric of who you will become.   The three I chose came about at all different times and minds.   What did they impart on me? What were the lessons learned and the sensibilities created which had a lasting effect of such magnitude, that at 64 years old, the impact suddenly comes into sharp focus?

This is quite different than what a mother imparts.  Like it or not, you pick up both good and bad traits from your mother. If you are fortunate, you keep the good and discard the rest. But that doesn’t happen in every mother-daughter relationship. It takes a keen eye and a fierce heart to recognize the failings of a parent and not repeat them in your own life. Most offspring see any rejection of those traits as a bold betrayal and so continue the damage well into their own adulthood.  Perhaps the influences of these outer world women are just the right antidote to keep you from perpetuating behavior that may have hurt you as a child.  One can accept this gift knowing that it is not a betrayal of your own mother, but rather an enlightenment of perspective and a lightening of the psychic load you carry.   The influence of these three women, who had either a brief or lengthy stay in my life, has guided me throughout my own ages. I cherish the memories and teachings that were given unknowingly through the lives they led.

Ronnie was the mother of my childhood best friend. She was Rat Pack cool from a bygone era.  Ronnie would start her day by cleaning her house in a pink or teal housedress with those fabulous, big 1960s curlers in her hair. Not in silence, but with the music of Dean Martin and Engelbert serenading her from the big brown stereo that graced most households.  When we were about eight or so, we played in the house while the daily dusting and twirling to the music of Dean’s “Make the World Go Away” took hold.  Years later, my love of that musical genre would have me buying those records for myself.

At mid afternoon the daily transformation began in anticipation of her husband’s homecoming from the Brooklyn greeting card factory where he worked.  The curlers were loosened and removed, revealing thick, short, auburn hair, teased and sprayed perfectly into place.  The housedress was shed for her signature stretchy tight slacks and matching turtle neck top. She had those husbandly homecoming outfits in an array of pastel colors in lavenders, pinks and blues.  Some striped. Some not.  The make-up and perfume mist completed her transformation. Sometimes with coffee, sometimes with a Tom Collins in hand, she sat on a chair at the small top of the stoop, waiting to greet her man.  Such a unique ritual taught me the art of taking delicate care and gave me a glimpse of an effortless effort made to warmly greet her spouse at the end of his hardworking day. I don’t think I ever heard a cross word between these two, quite a juxtaposition from my home, where the norm was the greater the decibel, the stronger the message.  Ronnie had a homemaker’s ease about her.

Every day, her daughter and I were sent to the stores after school for the dinner ingredients. Ronnie’s menu method was to cook the same meal on the same day each week. That fascinated me. The memory of that simple daily menu plan still does today when I wrestle with what to cook for my two sons.  After awhile we didn’t even need a shopping list, we knew that if it was Monday we were going to buy lentils.  No big box stores back then, if you needed fruits and vegetables you went to Mike’s Produce store lined with wooden crates up and down the two small aisles with every type imaginable.  The butcher shop kept the meats and you went into the A & P supermarket only for dry goods and sundry other ingredients.  Our trips to Morris Park Avenue in the Bronx, weren’t complete without a stop at La Valle’s candy store or the occasional treat of an after school tuna sandwich at Angelo’s Luncheonette.  Those shopping trips each day were filled with fun and laughter and the memories cling to me all these years hence. Ronnie reserved Sundays for the traditional macaroni, meatballs, sausages and red sauce of the Southern Italians.  I was often invited to these feasts and what a change they were from the Northern Italian cooking that was a staple in our home. I loved the tomato sauce drenched dishes she made of lasagna and baked ziti and would often implore my mother to try making them too.

Ronnie sitting in her chair outside the front door, with a cigarette and a smile seemed to me a perfect end to a day filled with housework and music.   From Ronnie, I soaked up the lessons of cool and class and the perfect marriage.  She was kind and funny and the day the boys on the block were especially mean to us, she didn’t coddle us and create victims.  She sent us marching back out there telling us to just kick them in the shins if they didn’t knock it off.  And I can’t say that I didn’t take that advice a time or two with the more irritating ones. To Ronnie, I thank you for your lessons in true class and a glimpse into what a happy marriage could be.

Bertha. Unique! One of a kind! One of the funniest women I have ever known. I asked my ex brother in law the other day for a memory or two and he wrote back, “She made Joan Rivers look weak!” And that she did, with razor sharp wit, self-deprecating when necessary and a delivery that sent you rolling.  He also reminded me of her penchant for annoying her friends by singing “Unchained Melody” at the top of her lungs.  Bertha from Canarsie, Brooklyn was a good friend of my first mother in law. I used to drive her out from Queens to Brooklyn to see her when I was in my late teens and early 20s.   I so looked forward to these trips.  From Bertha I learned the fine art of drinking three-day-old coffee and chain smoking.  Two things I did for many years.  The cigarettes are long gone but the coffee ritual still remains.  She had thick, short black hair and was no fashion plate. She held court in her kitchen when we visited, imparting her hilarious, no nonsense view of the world. She told it like it was and what a breath of fresh air that was from the proper “what will people think or say” way that ruled my own mother and mother in law. She was so different from my mother in law. I always wondered at that friendship. Many years later, I would understand. We often gravitate to those who can say out loud what we can only think.  She had two grown confirmed bachelor sons that lived with her.  By “grown” I mean at least in their early 40s at the time. They adored her and she them. She would always joke about them getting married and getting out, but you always knew she was just fine with the arrangement.   As I live with my own two adult 20 something sons today, with nary a girlfriend in sight, I often chuckle to myself and think, “Am I going to end up like Bertha?”

Bertha taught me how palatable the delivery of truth can be if couched in humor. It tends to get the message across softer and louder all at the same time. I can see her in her kitchen, pouring the days old coffee into another pot to heat up, apron on and a bit disheveled. But it never mattered to her. She was comfortable in her clothes and more importantly, comfortable in her own skin. She was gone from my life too soon and I wish I could remember a lot more than I do. Perhaps I should have asked for custody of her in the divorce.  The common sense of her wisdom stays with me even though the actual words are gone.  A friend posted a comment on my social media page the other day that said,  “Thank you for being the laughter in my life”.  Well if that’s true, then I owe it all to this long ago lady in my life.   To Bertha, thanks for teaching me the art of laughing at life’s absurdities with a special brand of wisdom, compassion and comic timing.

Zia Fina was one of my mother’s older sisters. At five foot nothing with a will of steel, she taught me never to suffer fools gladly. She was loyal to her friends and family when they deserved it and fearless when they did not. You always knew where you stood with her and that is brand of honesty I wanted to emulate and hopefully I have.  At 17 right out of high school, I was fortunate enough to spend my summer with her. She had a network of ‘spies’ that the CIA would envy. I would come home after a night out on the little towns and she could quote chapter and verse who I was with, who I talked to and well, albeit a little unsettling, who I had kissed.  She would regale me with stories of her and my mother’s youth, of sneaking out to go to the local dances at night and being hauled home by my grandfather.   We laughed ourselves silly each night that summer as we lay in bed rehashing the events of the day. We would walk down the streets of the little Italian town we lived in and she would point out one or another of my mother’s former suitors.  To this Catholic schoolgirl raised to be a paragon of virtue with standards no young girl could live up to, it was like the lifting of a storm cloud.  I learned from her how human my mother was, susceptible to all the girlish foibles she so eschewed in me.  What I learned that summer enabled me to tell my own sons decades later: the day you see your parents as flawed human beings is the day you truly become an adult. It enabled me to not hide my own past from them, but rather dispense with the “pillar of virtue” hypocrisy of many a parent.

From her, I also gained another unique marital perspective. My Zio Tino was one of the most mild mannered, gregarious and engaging human beings I’ve ever known. With my strong willed aunt, you would think he would be the typical doormat spouse. But no, they were true partners. He let her be her strong self, but she never abused that privilege with him and you could see how much she cared and depended on him when right and necessary.  He never acted emasculated, as many men are apt to in this type of partnership. He didn’t need to.  Her love and respect for him came shining through no matter what. I adored them.  They both died almost a year to the day apart, a fitting tribute to so strong an attachment. I regret my two sons never had the chance to meet their truly great aunt and uncle.  In these days of over the top feminism, the lessons learned from my aunt stay with me.  Being a true feminist doesn’t require the man to dispense with his own unique masculinity. To know that and honor the unique difference between the sexes is true equality.

I have no daughters.  Hopefully, someday I will have daughters in law, but I do have nieces and friends’ daughters and many young ladies in my recent work life.  I strive to be my uncensored self in their company.  I adhere to no false moral code of conduct imposed by anyone and who knows, maybe some day, many years from now, I may be one of their “three women.”

Just go ahead and scroll on if you're sick of sappy. I’m just an emotionally charged novel typing mess these days. I understand.

Admittedly, I cry a lot these days.

MS sucks; and managing a professional life on top of Motherhood while dealing with medication side effects and MS symptoms can get overwhelming.

But, today, WORDS made me cry. Words.

Words have this uncanny ability to move us in ways that a physical touch can not.

One of my favorite quotes expresses this best:

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.” - Albus Dumbledore, J.K. Rowling

Today I went through noteables about Ketanji Brown Jackson, and watched a soon to be Supreme Court Justice speak the most relatable words I could hear:

“I know it has not been easy as I have tried to navigate the challenges of juggling my career and motherhood. And I fully admit that I did not always get the balance right. But I hope that you have seen that with hard work, determination, and love, it can be done.”

Tears. I cried, because the relevance this is to me. I smiled because I’m thankful to be a Mom, and I missed my little guy who is happily and healthily clueless to the guilt I hold as a Mother. (He was at school)

So many times in the first three years of his life, work crowded my mind as well as my schedule and in turn took away from who I could be for him. I brought some of the saddest stories home, they replayed constantly in my mind. I sometimes felt like I could physically feel the weight of my clients situations on my shoulders. Sleep was scarce, but I’d stay up just to have time holding him, whispering all my big plans that WOULD come to fruition.

In turn, he didn’t get the best of me on those days. There were childcare workers who held him when I couldn’t. There were family members who babysat him so I could go to work. There were milestones that I missed. As gut wrenching as it is to even type this- there were times he cried for me and someone else comforted him. That is a literal pain, that I struggled to bear. It was us two against the world, and having to leave him made me feel like I was less than. I still get triggered by comments I see along the lines of “I’d never take my baby to daycare. I’d never leave my baby until they are X years old”.

I was not always successful in balancing my work and motherhood. But, I consistently reminded myself that what I did then, impacted where we’d be in the future. My career was my only choice besides settling, failing, and not giving him the life he deserved. I provided. I planned. I worked. I climbed- sometimes what felt like LITERALLY climbed, my way from an entry level to each notch on the business totem pole that I could. Sebastian was THREE when I got a job that he could come with me to. I remained with the same company, but finally landed a transfer 4 years in to my post-graduation career, and three years in to his life. He was THREE when I got my own office, and set my own hours. THREE YEARS of his life that some days the most I got was snuggling him while he slept between my paperwork and computers.

Driving to job number two- I knew I was only working it to afford childcare for my first job. BUT, I’d imagine a day where Sebastian said he was proud of me. It kept me going. Nowadays he tells me often, as a little boy who is proud of a perfectly cut pizza slice and when I buy cheese dip (). But, one day, I hope he feels the pride displayed in this picture by Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Daughter. I’ll keep pushing every single day, no matter what sickness, what deadline, what memory comes up. Because, “I’m proud of you” is exactly why I keep going.

After all, Wanderlust is my primary diagnosis- and I’m thankful to have the sweetest wee travel buddy in the world.

It was the last week of the school year, and Hannah was so excited for the its completion. It was Friday, and she had three more days left before she got her final report card. Her little brother, Wally, just finished Kindergarten, and today was his graduation. Mommy had bought him a nice blue suit, a white shirt, and blue tie. He had a nice haircut, and he looked handsome in his cap and gown. Hannah’s stepfather, Joe, was so proud of his baby boy. Mommy took a bunch of cute pictures, and Hannah felt that they had such a beautiful day.

Mommy said she was cooking Wally's favorite dinner, white rice, beans, and fried chicken legs. Hannah didn't like the chicken legs too much, and she usually put a lot of ketchup on it. She loved chicken wings, but today was her little brother's special day, and he could have whatever he wanted. After opening his graduation cards and finding a bunch of $20 bills from Titi and Grandma, Wally sat on the couch with his father.

It was almost 6 pm, and that meant that Joe was most likely drinking his daily packs of beer. Every day, Hannah’s stepfather drank at least three six-packs of beer. Mommy never liked it. She said he drank too much. And even on this celebratory occasion, he had already finished two six packs. Joe always said work stressed him out, and he needed his beer to calm down. But as far as anyone could tell, the packs of beer did the complete opposite.

Wally was excited to eat and couldn't keep still. He kept climbing the couch, and Joe told him to stop at least four times. But he didn't stop. Just then, Wally slipped from the top of the sofa and kicked over his father's can of beer. Wally stared at the beer spilling across the floor and immediately began to cry.

“Look at what the fuck you did,” Joe screamed. “Didn't I tell you to stop your bullshit? Hannah, get the fucking mop.”

She got up from the dinner table and ran to the bathroom and grabbed the mop. Hannah handed it to Joe and avoided looking into his cloudy, mean eyes.

“Give me that shit,” he yelled.

Joe started mopping the floor with anger and skill. He was a landlord for a building on Brook Avenue, so he knew how to clean up the mess.

“I don't understand why the fuck you kids don't listen to me,” Joe barked. “You must be hardheaded like your damn mother because you don't follow directions.”

Hannah put her head down and sat at the dinner table. Mommy was in the kitchen; Hannah could see her carefully looking.

“Is this damn food ready,” Joe asked, and he slammed the mop against the kitchen wall.

“I’m fucking hungry, and the faster these two eat, the quicker they go to sleep.”

“Yes, it’s almost ready,” Mommy said.

Joe washed his hands and sat at the table. Wally sat at the smaller chair and asked Mommy for his food. He asked at least three times before Joe got mad.

“Listen, boy,” he yelled. “Knock off the bullshit and wait for the food to come. I'm tired of hearing your nagging. Shut up!”

Hannah got up to get the pitcher of iced tea and three cups. Joe didn't need a cup; he usually had a beer with his dinner. Mommy served each of them, and the white rice was hot and the beans looked delicious. And even though Hannah didn't like the chicken legs, Mommy fried them nicely, and the skin was super crispy. Just the way her children loved it. Hannah stood up and poured the ice tea into each of their cups, and Wally thanked her. Joe looked down at his plate and took a long drink of his beer. He stared at the plate of food and started picking at it with his fork. Mommy looked at him nervously.

“Is something the matter?”

“Yea, something is fucking wrong.”

“What’s wrong?”

Joe didn't say another word, and he stood up. He suddenly slapped Mommy across the face. Her head went to her right, and she covered her face with her left hand. Wally started to scream, and Joe told him to shut up. Hannah jumped up from her chair, and Joe glared at her.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” Mommy cried.

Joe didn't say a word and swung again. This time, Mommy fell out of her chair, and her head hit the wall.

Joe threw his chair down to the floor. Hannah grabbed Wally from his seat, and they ran to their bedroom. They locked the door and hid in the closet behind the door. The closet became their safe place, where they hid whenever Joe started to hit Mommy.

Wally quietly whimpered and shook as Hannah held him tightly in her arms. They could hear Mommy screaming that she was sorry. Joe kept telling her to shut up, his hateful hands hurting her.

Hannah tried to close her eyes and wait for the orange streaks of light to appear under her closet door, while Joe continued to yell and scream at Mommy. It felt like it kept going for hours, the loud voices, the hard smacks, and the begging. Eventually, Wally cried himself to sleep. Hannah couldn’t sleep, and she stared at the walls for hours, freeing herself from Joe’s world of anger and violence.

Time passed by, and Hannah slowly opened her eyes, and she could feel Wally breathing heavily. She peeked down at him, and he slept quietly. Under the closet door, Hannah could see the orange streaks of the streetlights coming from her open window. Whenever she saw these bits of light, she knew it was nighttime.

It was getting late, and neither one of them had eaten any dinner. Hannah thought that maybe there was food on the table that she could sneak back into the room. She left Wally sleeping in the closet and slowly opened their bedroom door. All of the lights were off, except for the kitchen light. She crept into the living room and turned her head to the back bedroom, where Mommy and Joe slept. Their door was shut closed, and a single beam of light shone from under their door. Her stomach growled, and she quickly moved toward the dining table. Two chairs were thrown on the floor, but their dinner remained intact on the table. Hannah grabbed their two plates of food and the pitcher of ice tea. She balanced the two plates and tip-toed back to their room as fast as she could. Before entering, she glanced at her mother’s locked bedroom door. She hoped Mommy was okay.

She put the pitcher and plates of food on the floor and shook Wally by his shoulders. He eventually opened his eyes, and Hannah smiled.

“Wally,” she said. “Wake up. I have dinner for you.”

“Where’s Mommy?”

“She’s in her room. I got you some food. Let’s eat.”

“Are we going to eat in the living room with Mommy and Daddy?”

“No, we're going to eat here.”

“Again?”

“Yes, again. Come on, before it gets too late.”

The siblings both ate Mommy's cooking, and even though it was cold, it was delicious. Wally devoured his favorite meal and licked his fingers after every other bite. He took a long drink from his sippy cup and put his head down.

“What’s the matter, Wally?”

“I’m sad.”

“Why are you sad? It was your graduation day. It's time for summer.”

“I know, but I want Mommy.”

“I want Mommy too.”

Wally started to cry, and his sister picked him up and cradled him in her arms. He buried his face into her chest, and she rubbed the back of her little brother’s head.

“Hannah, why don’t you cry?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you not scared?”

“No, not anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I don't know. I’m just not.”

“Can we leave here?”

“I don’t know, Wally. We don’t have anywhere else to go.”

She looked out the window, watching the flowing traffic. She wished that her family could be in one of those cars, speeding away from the hands of their father.

Hours later, Hannah felt a hand on her shoulder. She didn't wake up, and the hand urgently shook her again. When she finally opened her eyes, Mommy was in their bedroom, holding a duffle bag and nothing else.

"Where are we going?"

Mommy put her finger to her lips. She lifted Wally from his bed and held him over her shoulder. Hannah tried to take some of her favorite toys, but Mommy shook her head no. Mommy quietly opened their door and crept through the living room.

“Where’s daddy?”

Mommy carried Wally and the duffle bag to the front door. She looked back at her bedroom door. The light from under the door was off. Joe was sleeping. Mommy slowly closed the door and left Joe behind.

“Where are we going, Mommy?”

She hurried out of the building, looking up at their apartment window to make sure Joe didn’t see where they were going.

They climbed into an waiting taxi cab and Mommy slammed the car door shut. Hannah looked out of the window and turned to her silent mother. She gently placed her hand over her mother’s and squeezed tightly.

“I had enough, baby,” said Mommy. “It was time to go.”

Hannah nodded and caressed Tommy’s head full of curly hair.

“What’s your destination, ma’am,” asked the taxi driver.

“The family shelter, please,” said Mommy.

Growing up, I viewed a lot of Disney movies. They made me laugh, they made me cry, they taught me life lessons, and they gave me heroines in which I could see parts of myself and sometimes even villains that I related to more.

They were a regular staple growing up in my parent's house.

As an adult I still enjoy Disney content, but as a queer person I feel especially wounded and wronged by this company and the legacy it is choosing to leave behind.

In funding and supporting the "Don't Say Gay" bill in Florida, all you're doing is causing more harm to vulnerable and scared queer children. Instead of protecting trans children, instead of allowing queer children to see themselves reflected in media and books as something other than the monster or the villain you are ensuring that more harm will come to children.

I am completely disgusted with you.

When I was a kid, I realized when I started having crush on fictional female characters that I wasn't straight. I was terrified and thought I was a horrible immoral person simply for being born the way that I was. I tried to pray the gay away, but it didn't work. Every time I sat in a church pew I felt dirty and tainted and disgusting. I hated that I couldn't choose my sexuality or wash myself free of it.

I remember telling a former friend when we were children that I was "straighter than an arrow" after the one openly gay kid we knew that rode our bus took his own life after being bullied for his sexuality.

There's nothing inherently sexual about existing. Queer people have always existed, and queer people always will exist. Because it's not a choice, it's just who we are. It's who we're born as.

I don't want anyone to suffer the way that I did in silence, thinking that God hates them because of something they didn't even choose.

Think of your legacy. Do you really want to be remembered for bigotry, hatred, and harming children? Do you really want to harm your queer audiences that otherwise have enjoyed your content for years without allowing them to be spoken about let alone represented in your media?

You need to do and be better, Disney!

Work Hard But Still Have Some Fun

It’s not uncommon for a lot of people to be so focused on success that they forget to enjoy life along the way. While it is great to work hard, you do need to allow yourself to have a bit of fun in order to keep from getting burnt out. This is why it’s a good idea to schedule a small amount of time every week to do something that you enjoy. You could do something like going to the movies, playing golf or meeting your friends for a bite to eat.

Get Into A Good Routine

You will find it’s easier to have a good work-life balance by getting into a routine. This will allow you to be the most efficient at both work and at home. You won’t forget to do something because you spent too much time completing a task. Just remember that this doesn’t mean that every minute of your day needs to be scheduled. It just means that you should have a basic idea as to when you want to complete some of the more important tasks.

Stop Saying Yes To Everything

Quite a few individuals struggle with their work-life balance just because they keep saying yes to everything that someone invites them to. You really don’t have to attend every event that your friends and family ask you to come to. Only attend the things that you want to go to or that you think are very meaningful to them. By doing so, you will have enough time to get everything done each day, and you won’t feel like you have so much to do that you don’t have any time for yourself.

If you are struggling with finding a work-life balance that makes you happy, you aren’t alone. Many people have a difficult time with this, but there are plenty of things that you can do about it. By keeping the above tips in mind, you can figure out a work-life balance that works for you.

Plummeting over 411 feet, Whitewater Falls is the kind of majestic force that demands an audience. Located in Sapphire, North Carolina, and considered the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi River, the falls are both awe-inspiring and deadly.

When you first arrive, it’s obvious that this natural wonder brings on-lookers of every kind: the young, the old, families, lovers, and friends. It’s often you see them picnicking, strolling, and snapping photographs, but as you venture further along the trails, the masses peel back, leaving the young and old behind. Soon you cease to hear their voices or feel their company, as the rustling leaves and distant roar of the falls replace them.

With each step, you know you are getting closer.

Once you arrive to the first clearing, where the tangled firs and longleaf pines separate, you see it: the massive falls of white as they beat on the layered rocks that split the woods and sky. But as you look closer along the opening, you see something else: a barricaded path and a weathered sign that reads “DANGER- Stream rocks are slippery. A slip above a waterfall can be fatal. Stay off the rocks and away from the edge. 18 people have died here.”

I know all of this because I have been there.

I jumped the barricade and traveled down the two-mile path for the first time when I was eighteen. I did it again at 21, 24, 28, and 29. And each time, I met something enormous on the other end. And it wasn’t just the waterfall.

To do it right, you have to wait until no one is around to witness you jump the barricade and disappear along the overgrown path. This isn’t very hard, but it does require a little bit of patience. Once you have your opportunity, it’s a rush as you cross the point of no return.

Along the path, there are stories to be told. I’ve climbed down to the top of Whitewater Falls with my sister, my husband, and a good friend. Good sense tells you that standing at the edge of a waterfall is not something you should do, but if you must, you certainly shouldn’t do it alone. With every step we took, we knew we were making our own stories. And yet I’d often find myself thinking about the lives of the 18 who died doing exactly what we were about to do. I would wonder if they were in love or in peril. If their plummets were intentional or accidental. I wondered if they were ever found and how long their loved ones cried for them.

After a while, you come to a small clearing on the right where there is usually some debris and ash, along with a few empty beer cans—all signs of a late-night bonfire left by the last crowd that defied the warning sign and jumped the barricade. That’s how you know you’re in the right spot to begin your climb down onto the rocks.

Just behind the camp-out is a small, dark burrow where the woods become thick and the path drops off at a sharp sixty degree angle. This is your entry point, a place where the real journey starts, and it’s one of the many reasons not to go it alone. Each time I have made it down onto the top of Whitewater Falls, I had help. We spot each other, pace each other. We hold each others’ hands as we make our way down… and down… and down again.

The further you go, the louder the waterfall becomes—to the point when you feel like you are yelling just to be heard. After some time, crawling down rock, stepping over roots, and clinging to hanging branches, you have made it to the final and most breathtaking clearing of them all. You, my friend, are a mere thirty paces from standing on the edge of Whitewater Falls.

And once you get there, you will never EVER be the same. I can promise you that.

Standing on the edge of nothing is nothing short of a miracle. Your limbs get really heavy-like and your heart jumps loud and hard in your throat. I guess it’s your body’s way of telling you it knows what you’re up to and it doesn’t like it one bit—but then again, it could be because everything is so expansive and extreme, and it’s your body’s way of being overwhelmed by beauty.

I’m fairly certain our bodies and souls intuitively know—more than our brains—that Nature has always demanded something from man that requires his life in exchange for her stunning indifference. It’s why mountain climbers like Rob Hall are willing to die ascending Mount Everest and why Christopher McCandless was called into the wild of Alaska—and died there, too.

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT NATURE THAT ENTRANCES US AND CAN TELL US THINGS NO ONE ELSE CAN. IT’S WHY WE STARE INTO FIRES IN A WARMED TRANCE AND GAZE ACROSS OCEANS AS THE SUNSET SPEAKS TO US. FOR ME, IT’S WHERE I FIND GOD MORE THAN ANYWHERE ELSE—MORE THAN IN SOCIETY OR IN CHURCHES. AND IT’S WHY STANDING ON THE EDGE OF WHITEWATER FALLS HAD THE POWER TO CHANGE ME AGAIN AND AGAIN:

Those moments on the edge and the way the sun transformed the flowing waters from golden to black and the way the air was sweeter there than anywhere else on earth changed me…

The way the ice-cold water engulfed my feet as I went barefoot in the streams where 18 others lost their lives changed me…

The sensation of crashing waters as they pulsated in my chest and the experience of looking down over the edge and feeling so very small and infinite all at once changed m­e…

And it’s those moments, all at once, that bring about several intangible takeaways that aren’t just my memories but a guide for my life. So, here’s what I learned standing on the edge of a waterfall:

Lesson #1- Hidden truths and beauties require us to leave the beaten path behind.

Too many times in the past, I’ve looked to others for acceptance or for the answers. As I’ve grown over the years, I’ve learned to stop doing that and look within instead. There’s nothing more powerful than a combination of good sense, intuition, and a lot of prayer. In order for you to find yourself or find the truth or find something at all, it often requires you to leave the beaten path and blaze your own trail. Don’t look to popular culture for the answers or the fickle acceptance of others. Instead, look within and look up. How you live your life is ultimately between you and God. When Steve Jobs gave his Stanford Commencement Speech of 2005, he told graduates this: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Now, I know how controversial he was, but when I heard Jobs deliver this speech, it changed me. It really did. In order to have my waterfall experience, I had to break a few rules, take a few chances, and go my own way. I couldn’t be constrained if I was going to stand on the edge and marvel. And trust me, it was worth it. So, listen to your heart, pray and reflect, ask the hard questions, and break a rule or two if you need to. Everything else is secondary, when you’re looking for yourself and waterfalls.

Lesson #2- The path isn’t always easy, and it’s not for everyone.

Be warned that there is nothing more lonely or difficult than striking out on your own. People will always have things to say about you and some will want to stop you because—somehow—the way you’re willing to live OUT LOUD and ALL THE WAY offends them. Your braveness, authenticity, and vitality remind them of the fact that your path isn’t their path. The “road not taken” isn’t for everyone. When I think about my own, sloppy life—the loneliness and pain and the search to find meaning—I am often reminded of something Hugh Macleod, writer and cartoonist, once penned. He said, at some point, we all must choose between being a wolf or a sheep. The price for being the sheep is boredom, and the price for being the wolf is loneliness. I love this comparison because it is so true. In life, there will be many sheep, and they will have each other but little of anything else. And although being the wolf will be a far more difficult and lonely path, the rewards of individual thought and independence will be worth it.

Lesson #3- But if you must go, it’s always better with a friend.

Of course it sounds like I am contradicting what I just said above about being the wolf and that the “road less traveled” isn’t for everyone, BUT if you can find a likeminded friend or your “person” then the journey for the edge of your waterfall will be that much sweeter. You will go further, be safer, create more stories together, and marvel over the beauty when you get there all the more. In my life, there have been moments that saved my life BECAUSE I had a friend along the way. In my journey to the edge I can think of one night in particular that if I didn’t have my person to call at 1:00 a.m. in the morning to come over and walk that path with me, I simply wouldn’t be here today. My person has walked the path with me, and she has stood at the very edge. SHE was the one gripping my hand when I slipped off the edge. She was the one to pull me back up. That’s why I say, blaze your own path, stand longingly at the edge of something, but by God good grace, if you can find a likeminded friend or your mate of the soul, bring them along. It’s sweeter, and it might save your life. And by the way, when you find them, never ever let them go. The bond that I have with my “person” is one that will last a lifetime. She saved me once, and if she needs me to, I will do the same for her.

Lesson #4- Standing on the edge may bring us within an inch our lives but it also stirs us to life.

And that is good. Sometimes in life, we get far too complacent and refuse to take chances because we want to stay safe and comfy. We want to fit in. We want to be socially acceptable. We want approval. The truth is we want these hollow things so badly that we forget what it is we truly want. Sadly, I am the poster child of safe and comfy, so I am speaking from experience here. But it’s in my understanding of myself that I can fight the good fight against settling for less and fearing the unknown. Now, I am not saying you need to go stand on the edge of a waterfall to have the same realizations. But I am saying to find your authentic “edge” and go stand on it. Look around, wait to hear something, take inventory. I can’t tell you what your edge is or what to think or feel once you get there. But whatever you do, let it change you. For some of us, it’s finding God in a hospital bed or leaving a toxic relationship. For others it’s walking away from an unfulfilling job or beating cancer—it’s finally going back to school or telling the truth for the first time in a long time. Yes, there is a chance we might lose everything on the edge, but there’s also a chance we finally come back to life. Sleepwalking through our lives isn’t living, and sometimes the only way to wake up is to do something drastic, something that catches your breath or takes it away.

One Final Thought

Once you’ve stood on the very edge of something, expect to be changed. When I looked down over the edge of Whitewater Falls, I felt the heaviness of choice. One step, either forward or backward, would change everything for me. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making choices?

In one of my favorite T.S. Eliot poems, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” Eliot pens something so stirring, as the speaker laments lost opportunities and lost time, that I often find myself mulling over the irony of our lives in heavy traffic or on sleepless nights:

“…And indeed there will be time…

Time for you and time for me,

And time yet for a hundred indecisions,

And for a hundred visions and revisions…

Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

For decisions and revisions which a minute will

reverse…”

You see, like Prufrock, we all think we have time. And we all think that sometimes we don’t have to make a choice. But time is actually very short and our “hundred indecisions” are decisions nonetheless. Our indecisions are the decisions NOT to change. NOT to try something new. NOT to truly live. NOT to seek God after many dark years. NOT to stand on the edge and blaze our own paths.

We are all walking with time, as it passes faster than it did in our silly youth, whether we are aware of it or not. So if you ask me, “Do I dare disturb the universe?” I will say YES! YES, you should! And if you were standing here with me now, I’d tell you to go and stand on the edge of your waterfall and see what you can find.

Godspeed to you, dear traveler.

I’m colouring love with joy from above,

With smiles from my dawns embracing life’s lawns,

With memories’ pace, surrounded by grace.

From minty pipe dreams I set aiming streams.

From winters I bring the quietness string.

Regaining the strength from bright snowy land.

I’m spring to my earth, nurturing rebirth.

Still childlike sometimes I’m puzzles of rhymes.

Revealing the art, my eyes speak my heart.

Fragile like a rose, yet strong in purpose,

I’m colouring love with bless from above.