I was a closet addict slowly destroying myself. I was smiling on the outside, but holding onto so much past pain on the inside.

I never thought of myself as an addict. To me, an addict was someone who couldn't function throughout the day without getting high on their choice of substance.  I didn't do drugs when I woke up in the morning and I didn't do drugs while I was working. I knew many people who did this, so for me, I felt like I wasn't an addict. However, once the clock hit 5:30 pm, I was off to Happy Hour to indulge in my vices at my neighborhood bar (sometimes clocking in seven hours at the bar). 

In the beginning, it was just for fun. My vices were drinking whisky neats, smoking menthol cigarettes, and my drug of choice was cocaine. I loved the way it made me feel - I could drink all night, not feel  socially awkward, not feel self conscious while dancing, and I could talk to folks with no problem. Some of my friends would have some and share with me, but I think once I found out where I could pick up cocaine on my own, that was the beginning of my habit. My plug was close to home, close to the bar I frequented, and even if I didn't have the money on me, my plug would still give it to me (I had so many I.O.U. 's). This lasted for six years.

Eventually, I couldn't separate drinking alcohol and the need to have cocaine. It started to go hand in hand. Instead of being out and social, I just wanted to go home to drink and get high by myself or with one of my good friends. We would drink and get high for hours on a weeknight, talking about life, talking about our traumas, triggers, our issues with the men we were dating or sleeping with. We'd dissect our actions and emotions and think about why we were the way we were. In a weird way, as I would get high, I was becoming more self aware of my patterns and unhealthy habits. Once I was alone in my little studio, high as a kite, I would take out my journal and pour all my anger, sadness, hate, and pain in it (even to this day, I'm still not ready to read what I wrote). I was healing from things I had been holding on to. I know it may sound funny, but getting high and being high helped me articulate the things I could not articulate while I was sober. 

Things started to get too much...I started to have no self control when it came to buying cocaine and I was putting myself in debt with my habit. I started to find myself wanting to be alone more just to get high and be alone with my thoughts. I would finish almost a gram for myself only to try and go to sleep afterwards (who does that??). That was me. It was no longer a drug to do to have fun, it started to become something I just wanted all the time. My body also started to feel the effect; I would feel pains in my heart. I knew if I didn't stop, I would eventually either O.D., or have a stroke. At first, I tried to wean myself off drinking, nicotine, and cocaine. I learned that I couldn't do it that way.

One week night in early March 2020, I pretty much binged by myself. I remember I was so drunk and high that I couldn't go to sleep even though I had work in a couple of hours. I remember I was scared to go to sleep because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. My heart was beating so fast coupled with this pain I had never felt before. I basically stayed awake the whole night and went to work with no sleep. That night, I decided to text all my close friends and my cousins letting them know I was going to disappear for a while to get sober. I asked that they not get angry if I decided not to show up to events - as to not be tempted. My message was met with love and support from everyone I told. Some were surprised because they didn't realize I was that deep into my habit. On March 3, 2020, I decided to quit alcohol, nicotine, and substances. I had already secluded myself from everyone for two weeks when the world shut down because of COVID. 

In April 2021, my brother passed away unexpectedly and my Dad passed away early this year. Two significant events in my life, but I had the strength to continue my sobriety journey even though everyone was drinking around me to celebrate their life. I felt if I could do this, I could get through anything. It has taught me commitment to myself that I have never known. I've learned it takes great strength, discipline, and love. I had to learn how to be gentle with myself and to celebrate my big and small victories. I had to relearn how to be social while being sober and set boundaries for myself. I continue to grieve my past life and grieve the friendships that have changed because of my sobriety.

It's not easy, but I also know this is part of life. 

I've been on my sobriety journey for 2 years and 8 months. I remind myself to take it one day at a time, to keep going, and to be proud of how far I've come. 

Can we go to Palm Desert for Memorial Day, my 15 year-old younger son asked?  I had no clear answer.  Frankly, it frightened me.  We had not gone for two years now. Not since his father’s 65th birthday.   It marked both a milestone and an end to the one place we pretended to be an actual family. Or at least I did. I wondered why my son wanted to go, when he knew his father would not accompany us.  He knows that even though his father still resides with us, the documents to end his parents as a unit are freshly filed.  I wondered about his emotional cost to visit there now. At first, I thought, I surely didn’t want to have to face those ghosts so early in their demise.  But then, I thought, why not?  Why not go differently?  Did my son somehow need the revisiting of this place? Did he need the balm this childhood memory would provide to his unsure and unsteady heart these days?  And so we went. We took his uncle, who had accompanied us all those times before. That part must remain in tact for my sons. He was a surrogate father through the worst of medical times. He was grandfather and uncle all rolled into one, in the best of times.  They cherish him.

Can I bring a friend, he asked? I thought of the times when that was asked in the past and my stock answer was always, no.  There were precious few moments of forging a bond as a family in the lives of these children, that I never wanted any straying from that singular moment when it baked well for us in the desert.  This time it was different. It was right that he brings a friend, at the age when a boy’s friends matter most.   I think on those days, as the connections I make and break occur so frequently now.  I think on the days when your world revolved around your friends. The days before boyfriends, wives, kids and chaos interjected.  This time I said yes.  His selection of who to bring took longer than it should have.  My younger son has many, many friends, but I wonder at his ability to keep them sometimes. I wonder if the years spent watching me in silent, unknowing rage, which severed most connections outside the immediate and necessary familial ones, will harm his attachments as he grows into adulthood.  An incident he had with a classmate in middle school brought home to me my own struggles in this area. It was discovered she was taking her own money and some of her father’s and bestowing it on all the students she wanted to befriend.  My son, apparently, was at the top of that monetary list.  I was horrified more than I should be, because it was like looking into a long-ago mirror of me.  I explained to my son how wrong it was to give people money to be your friend or lover or wife or husband or anything else. He said, why? It works. I am her best friend now.  No, you most certainly are not. I called the parents to return the money and asked if I could speak to their daughter privately.  They agreed.  I needed to tell her and, consequently, my very young self, some things.

 I was that girl many years ago and I wonder if sometimes I still am, given the wrong set of circumstances.  I had a best friend on my block since I was four years old.  When I was nine, a new girl moved in. As girls are more apt to pair up, rather than roam in groups like boys, they became instant friends to the exclusion of yours truly.  The Monkees were our favorite band at the time and I so I hatched a plan that if I had the new album, my friend would instantly come back to me. I had my mother take me to the Catholic rosary bead and mass card store to buy it. I put the album cover in the front window of our house so my friend could see it as she walked by.   Did it work? No, but we all did become good friends eventually.  She and I are still friends today, although on separate coasts.  The new girl? Not a clue where she is today.  There are times still, in certain situations, when I ask myself if I am “putting a Monkees album in the window.”  I understood exactly what my son’s young friend was doing, albeit with a lot more currency than a record album. I hope my story helped her.

My older son, now 20, chose not to come with us for the very reason that his friendships run much smaller and deeper than either I, or his brother, are capable of.  A best friend since childhood was returning from school in Oregon to celebrate his 21st birthday and so it was fitting that he not come with us, although I appreciated the fact, he considered it at all.  I made a last-minute call to the golf pro I discovered years ago.  Replacing a pool skimmer for him gratis on our first stay at one of his houses cemented the best rental deals for all our future forays.  Kindness born of necessity sometimes reaps its own rewards.  Kindness born with no thought of rewards reaps the best rewards of all.

The place he had available was a condo on a beautiful golf course. We were used to having houses to ourselves with private pools, so this was a departure looked upon with suspicion by my son. I made it a short visit this time. When one visits ghosts, one never knows how welcoming they will be.  No roomy ride in their father’s van this time, where I was able to walk around to attend my little boys if needed.  No Moe Moe, our dog, along.  No arguing over the way to go or disagreements over things of little or massive importance.  I continued to look around the halls of my sons’ most precious memories.  The year we stayed in our first non-hotel condo at the Desert Princess. The ducks that constantly pooped in the pool and walked up to greet us each morning.   There were years we spent every summer holiday there, beginning with the Memorial Day birthday of their father and ending with the Labor Day birthday of their uncle, with 4th of July often thrown in for good measure.  The Living Desert Zoo when very young.  The arcades when older.  The midnight swims, the laughter, the water footballs bought each year for catching in the pool.   My sons being thrown up in the air by their uncle or father. Me holding them before me as they floated or their tiny arms wrapped around my neck as I floated with them.  These memories all floated past, like a marquee announcing the passage of our family’s days in the desert and anywhere else.  I cannot say they made me sad, a little wistful perhaps, but not sad at all.  They are great memories for our kids. This is where we were able to put aside the silence and the fits of anger that sometimes broke that silence.  It was a welcome respite for our family during their formative years. It enabled us to give them brief bouts of normalcy that most children get on a more frequent basis when their parents are properly united.  I do not regret these memories. On the contrary. They give me hope that more, but different ones, can still be made within the context of the new parental framework we are struggling to build right now.  My younger son is the one that often leads the way for me and not the other way around.  I think the desert balm he sought that weekend was just what we all needed.

I hope you've never heard of the 27 club. I really hope you never join it. In short, it's where famous artists go to die. Artists like Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse. The commonalities between these people are the effects of fame, success, and mental health. I cannot really speak to the first two, but the third, nearly made me a member of the club myself. And now, I feel as if I have a bit of insight into why the club exists and how I made it out.

27. I think this is around the time, you have become, or started to become, who you really are. There are a lot of different theories about this age. A 2014 study, highlighted in Parade, even claimed that 27 is the "prime of our lives." In many ways, I agree. But in more ways, I'm glad it's nearly over and I'm almost 28.

What brought me to the end of myself was an honest-to-God mental breakdown. I'm not talking about crying over school, or boys, or a directionless, meaningless life. I am talking about a 3-month long manic episode and checking myself into an in-patient facility. It was the hardest, most embarrassing time of my life. It still is. I haven't even completely processed it. I'm not sure I ever fully will understand the madness of me. I know some people will always look at me differently, ostracize me and even question why I'd write such a thing for people to read. This isn't for them, it's for those who have the capacity to understand and empathize.

The thing about mental health and being 27 is this: if you have a brain, mental health is relevant to you. If you use your brain a lot and you've begun to think for yourself, you may have some mental health challenges. It took a lot of effort, genius, and dedication for those artists, actors and various young and famous people all of these things to achieve such success, and in turn, some of them lost control. They turned to drugs, partying, and too often, even suicide.

When you've reached your pinnacle, you're really not as far from the bottom as you think. It's such a quick fall. Isn't it? In my case, my mania reached it's heightened state when I went into a psychotic episode literally in the middle of a family therapy session. Talk about a trigger warning. I knew they wanted to take me somewhere so I looked at them and said, "Let's Fucking Go." I'm no Tom Brady and I really had no idea what I was signing up for, but I went. Willingly.

And what's realllly insane to me is that those artists had the means to get help but help is so hard to get in this country it should be criminal. I literally had every means too. My parents are both in healthcare. They saw me breaking every single day. A psychologist wanted to charge me $1,200 just to confirm what my primary was able to: I have Bipolar Disorder 1. She asked 10 questions and she got 10 answers. Yes. Yes. Yes. You see, at 27, I was frustrated that I couldn't prove my own genius. I still am. And maybe it's a "God Complex" or my abnormally High IQ, but no one really cares, do they? Until you can prove it. Maybe through music and fame for some. Maybe academia or writing a book, in my case.

So once you've hit your pinnacle, either by mania or success. What's left but to fall? You're as close to "heaven" as you can get, so why does it feel like Hell? Why are all your vices whispering in your ear? Why does everyone want what you have? There's nothing else to do up here. There's nothing else to prove or accomplish or strive for. Or so it seems. And while I hadn't proved anything, my manic episode was coming to it's end. I couldn't live like that anymore, without sleep, talking in lyrical verse. It was unsustainable. Scary. Alienating. So I did the only thing I could do: I fell. Into the ER. Into the arms of a now beloved psychiatrist. Into the end of my past self. The one who just "experienced highs and lows like anyone else".

So when you fall, and reach rock bottom, and are looking up, what do you see? I saw embarrassment. I was so embarrassed by who I'd been. What I'd done. What I'd said. How I moved in the world. I was sorry. This is another place where some people want to end it. Escape to peace, or whatever is beyond. That was never an option for me. I found my foundation and I started to build from there. What holds me to this life is my family and my faith. I live for these two reasons. Because hurting myself would also kill them. Rejecting this gift of life may even damn me, depending on who you talk to where I'm from.

I've been building since my fall. I've been going to church and staying close to my family as I always have. I'm actually happy. I'm medicated and I'm balanced and I'm sleeping and I see my doctor twice a month. I'm at peace with myself. I'll never be perfect. I even used to say, "I want to be the asymptote of perfection," some days I still do. But I have what I need: a foundation of peace. I know I am loved unconditionally and that anything beyond that is just a bonus.

So I'm proposing a new 27 Club. One where we do not succumb to the pressure of perfection, expectations or society. Where we learn from those who came before us. Where we get help and do not have to be ashamed about it. When we lean on our resources, despite the thousands of dollars it may cost. Where we lobby for change and aid. Where we are strong in the storm, steadfast in our self love, and here for the highs and lows of this chaotic life. I hope you find your foundation. I hope you have the courage to build upon it. And mostly, I hope you know, you are never, ever alone.

 

Open heart

 

The sun rises

 Illuminating the roses growing from your head,

The lips that speak promises and dissect daggers,

The hands that mold the clay of the world,

The feet that stand amongst the successes and the failures,

The eyes that witness vulnerabilities and encourage strengths,

The sun rises to illuminate you,

 The woman

The sun rises to shine through your soul,

To give hopefulness to your heart

The sun rises to illuminate the smile that the world always longs to see

Never let the darkness surround you

Let your phone go to silent

Keep the make-up brushes in the drawer

Take those rolled up tissues and throw them in the trash

 Keep the sunflowers growing in your garden

The sun rises to illuminate you

When the dawn crosses the horizon,

Rise with the sun

 

Dedicated to A.F.

I don’t think I know a single client that has felt as if all love and connection are unconditional. Why would we if we grew up feeling as if we needed to behave a certain way, look a certain way, perform a certain way to get a little bit of love and acceptance, or simply avoid punishment? On some level, many of us give of ourselves to try and receive or maintain love and intimacy or we avoid letting ourselves be fully known and mold ourselves to fit what we think someone else wants us to be.

Many of my clients, like me have done things like:

· Hold back from telling a partner they aren’t enjoying something in bed or have never had an orgasm from them.

· Avoid telling their partner what they would like to experience in bed or when they need a hug or some other form of intimacy.

· Offer up sex as a way to connect even if they aren’t in the mood or avoid letting the sex be vulnerable and emotionally intimate.

· Use food and other things to receive comfort because that feels safer than getting vulnerable and asking for support.

· Avoid showing their partner the real them or avoid a relationship they desire altogether because they don’t trust that it’s safe and that someone will love and see them for who they are.

· Pretending to want or desire certain things to seem likable or avoiding speaking up when they feel hurt or disrespected and setting boundaries because they don’t want the partner to leave.

All of that comes down to a fear of not being accepted, loved, seen, or valued which all comes down to at some point learning being loved was conditional.

Now I’m not saying every single relationship romantic or not is gonna be one full of unconditional love and acceptance. That’s not realistic! But too often we learned that even the slightest “misstep” meant love was taken away and we turn that into an us thing without even questioning if that other person, including our parents, is emotionally immature and unavailable! The relationship between a parent and child is meant to be one of unconditional love and too many of us didn’t experience that or fully experience it so we learn to see love as something minimally available if at all.

We can and deserve to experience unconditional love within ourselves and with others and yes, it’s possible to experience that outside of parent/child relationships. Does that mean someone is gonna continue loving you and want to be with you if let’s say you try to unalive them or commit some other heinous act? Probably not but I am talking extremes because that’s a very different story than what we often believe. We often believe telling someone we’re not in the mood, we wanna try some bondage, or it made us feel disrespected when they flaked on plans again and you deserve a text, we don’t really like football and that band they love, or any other thing is immediate grounds for terminating all love!

That’s bullshit but we believe it to be true and it holds us back from opening up and the crazy part about that is it denies us from experiencing real love in the first place! That’s either due to denying your partner the privilege of knowing the real you and understanding how you truly wanna be loved in all the ways (orgasms are love people) or you don’t put yourself out there to receive love from people worthy of giving it to you that would really like to!

We all deserve love, and it feels amazing to receive so how do we start receiving that unconditional love?

Ok first, we gotta work on loving all parts of ourselves…even the ones we don’t feel so hot about. I’m talking about your little self-sabotagy subconscious parts. Mine wounded be my inner wounded boss who thinks she sucks ass at everything and deserves to be punished. I love her ass and I do either parts work or mirror work to make sure she knows I love her. I will stand in front of the mirror or put down a pillow and say I love you to all the parts of me such as I love the part of myself that loves to go silent on my friends and hideaway because she believes she’s a burden, I love the part of me that thrives on chaos because I grew up in it so I have routinely gotten myself into financial hardship in the past to maintain chaos as homeostasis. I go in on all the parts and aspects of me that are so easy to hate or shame and show them, love, over and over until they/I believe it. It works too so I encourage my clients to do it as well.

Now how can you work on trusting and receiving unconditional love from a partner or anyone in your life?

Two things I do that are in my Sacred Intimacy mini-course:

1. Micro dose opening up to love: if you have been holding back for a while, chances are reading this isn’t going to suddenly make you feel brave enough to talk about or do the thing you’ve been dreading. If it does hell yeah, I’m so happy for you! But if you’re like me you need baby steps. So, for instance, if the issue is telling your partner, you never orgasm in bed maybe, for now, you start by saying “hey it would be really helpful if we could spend more time making out before sex”. Start small with whatever it is and as they embrace what’s being told bank that as evidence that it’s safe to continue opening up more. Note: they may feel hurt that you haven’t been open and honest and that’s ok, they get to have their feelings, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved.

2. Practice eye gazing and noticing: When we are terrified to speak up and share our hearts, we have to work on trusting that we can be seen. So do some eye gazing with your partner, a friend, or anyone you are close to as a way just to see one another, and as you do name the emotions and physical sensations coming up as you stare at one another. This can feel awkward, but give it some time, and you’ll be surprised at how much this practice can teach you. Sit face to face and start with like 10 minutes or even just 5 if it feels really awkward and builds up from there. Note: if one or both of you has ADHD or like me CPTSD, give each other permission to do something with your hands while trying this. Those of us with neurodivergence or trauma that struggle with sitting still and exercises like this often need something to do to maintain focus so don’t take it personally if we get fidgety because it may not be solely from the intimacy happening.

These are just a few tools and many others to work with, but the bottom line is you deserve unconditional love from yourself and others!

How does it feel to be a problem?

Everyone thinks you’re a criminal

For committing a crime

of existing

Into a world that relies on

the physical

More than just nameless

Faithless,

Beings that they swear you are

Not a heathen

Just a human

Looking for more than just

Shallow compromises

Of identity

To belong

In a place

Where difference

Is discouraged

No box

No label

Could ever contain

The remnants of the American dream

Whatever is left

Left in fear

No longer dreaming

Just trying to live

To survive

In a world that

Points fingers and swears that you are different

When we’re merely just

Familiar strangers

So tell me

Tell you

Tell us

Where do I

Where do you

Where do we belong

If it isn’t here?

Living a life that isn’t yours

Color-coded alibis

Color-coded you and I

But

They’re no different

Hiding behind

Constructed words from the tv

Telling them

what to think

About the black sheep

In a white society

Pointing fingers at the wrong things

 

The red of the rust

The brown of what used to be trees

Remember when we all had air to breathe?

 

This dreadful planet

All dry and dead

No one listened, so we cry instead.

 

Hopeless and forlorn

Now is when they want to mourn?

It’s frustrating and worn

 

We’ve heard it all before

Our present is here

All broken and torn

 

We resort to the red planet

The dead planet, no more.

We brought it life

 

Until we guild it

Exploit it and use it

Then toss it and kill it

 

What of repercussions?

What of consequence?

We keep moving and moving

 

Yet no one repents.

And so here we stand

The newest generation in hand

 

Simply hollow and sad

For they could never understand

The gravity of all we had.

 

Filtered air tubes and domes

This is what we consist of

That is what makes this home.

 

Remember the old norms?

The blue of the sky

The green of the grass

 

Now all we have

Is burnt oranges

And toxic gas.

In the beginning,

we all have to find our way.

 

On the road of greatest,

We know it's here to stay.

 

Friends and family are part of it too,

It truly will be all brand new.

 

You will know it when you see it,

It will bring happiness to your life.

 

With a beautiful smile,

That flows from your heart twice.

 

In the beginning,

especially with an end.

 

The coming of a new day,

start to begin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


"They don't want to be chased. They want to be loved. Above that, they want to be understood."

Avoidants are often misunderstood as being selfish, conceited, and uncaring. Quite frankly, their behavioral pattern doesn't leave much space to contradict otherwise. The unadjustable arrogance and distant narcissism make it difficult for partners to love them. 

As extreme and dismissive as their exterior may look like— deep down, they want everything a normal person desires from relationships. At the base level, they are only humans, longing for love, embracement, care, intimacy, and emotional acceptance. 

Unfortunately, avoidants can rarely accept this regular human intimacy because they have never been taught love as a child. They are asked to live life alone with no compassion, endearment, emotional gravity, or intimacy. Psychologists refer to this childhood environment as an 'emotional desert.'

So, it's inevitable for avoidants to develop a defense mechanism to protect themselves and survive the emotional desert. This defense mechanism may come with an exterior image of conceit, inflated self-esteem, superiority complex, aloofness, dismissive personality, selfishness, and arrogance. 

If you do try to uncover that defensive exterior, you will see a child afraid of losing you, 

So, they are more at a loss when you stop chasing them. They are miserable, sad, and broken. The worst part is that some avoidants may never differentiate their own emotions. 

They think 'being aloof' is the only way they can be safe and away from the emotional desert. 

"Their safe space is actually having personal space all the time." 

It's difficult to love an avoidant, and it's exhausting to empathize with them all the time while being at the losing end every time. I know, I understand. However, being in a healthy relationship with an avoidant is also very much possible. 

In this article, we'll gradually learn just how to bring that to reality. 

Of course, you will have to let go of all the prejudice you hold against avoidants to truly love them and to have them reciprocate it! 

This article will cover the following dynamics: 

  1. Understanding an avoidant partner.
  2. What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant— the seven-stage cycle.
  3. Do avoidants miss you?
  4. Do dismissive avoidants feel guilty?
  5. Do avoidants miss you?
  6. Signs an avoidant ex misses you

Understanding an avoidant partner

To make your relationship work with an avoidant, you must understand them. Understanding them is the only way you can empathize with them. This empathy will help them grow into a secure person who isn't scared of commitment. 

With empathy and support, you can convert their dismissive avoidant attachment style into a secure attachment style. I can guarantee you that it's a feasible possibility. 

Avoidant individuals aren't avoidant by choice; they become avoidant because of their emotionally degrading childhood. 

This behavior makes people believe that avoidants only care about themselves. While in reality, they simply escape because that's their habitual reality. 

Types of avoidants

Avoidants are either dismissive or fearful. They come across a similar childhood pattern but adapt differing coping/defense mechanisms. 

What is a dismissive avoidant attachment style?

Someone who has adapted toxic independence as a defense mechanism often becomes a dismissive-avoidant. At an early age, avoidants accept solitude to be their only peaceful space. 

Dismissive avoidants grow up to become distant, unapologetic, and selfish. 

This behavior makes them come out as a fuckboy/fuckgirl. While in reality, the truth remains far away from prejudice. 

Dismissive avoidant traits in a relationship

What is a fearful avoidant attachment style?

Fearful avoidants are the opposite of dismissive avoidants, yet so much similar. Unlike dismissive avoidants, fearful avoidants were never successfully able to create a defense mechanism for their emotional desert. 

So, they grew up with toxic/insufficient/inadequate/neglectable parents/caregivers whilst never being able to protect themselves from the harsh world (in this case, their own parents) 

Fearful avoidants long for intimacy but are scared of abandonment. So, they will pull away when anxiety and distrust settle in their head. However, such individuals will also return to you once the fear of abandonment haunts them day and night. 

What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant?

"Their emotions are complex and contradicting." 

Once you stop chasing an avoidant partner, they will breathe a sigh of relief. However, don't let their exterior emotions fool you. This feeling is only the beginning of a never-ending cycle avoidants go through continuously. 

The third stage of the chase game

Their avoidant behavior starts at the third stage "why are they expecting so much from me?" This stage is what an avoidant's partner would call "the beginning of the chase game." 

When avoidants notice intense emotions or needs in a relationship, they start to cut off. There can be 'n' number of tipping points (all rooting back to their childhood) for an avoidant that leads them to the third and fourth stages. 

Since they are popularly called 'commitment-phobes,' one of the major tipping points for an avoidant can be commitment. 

They would try to ignore you or escape the relationship for a short period of span. Eventually, when avoidants do return— they would often pretend that nothing really happened and would start the relationship without ever discussing 'their ghosting episode,' 'their strange behavior,' or 'the distant attitude.' 

Fourth & fifth stage— breaking up with their partner.

Of course, this ghosting behavior isn't acceptable or normal. So, an avoidant's partner would consult them and might as well bombard them with questions and expectations. 

Welcome to another tipping point for an avoidant— confrontation and expectations. The more you chase for answers, the farther away an avoidant would deviate from you. 

Avoidants consider this behavior as 'nagging.' So, they forget every beauty of the relationship and replace those memories with one single dialogue: 'This relationship has become a pain in the a**.'

The continuous questioning may convince an avoidant that the relationship isn't worth the chase, and it's demanding too much of my core. 

"I should break up." 

The more you nag/chase, the more they would want to break up. Eventually, they would break up because there was no bridge of understanding in the relationship to hold onto it. 

Sixth stage— A small bliss

Whatever reason may be that you finally pull away, avoidants would be at peace (initially) because they'd be finally free from all your questioning, expectations, and emotions. 

“These emotions suffocate them, the confrontation piles up anxiety inside their core, and questioning leaves them bewildered.”

They would be happy because they finally have no tipping points to be scared of and no responsibility to adhere to. Once you stop chasing an avoidant, they will have endless hours of personal space; something their anxiety desires more than love, more than anything. 

Seventh stage— back to square one.

This bliss after you stop chasing them is short-lived. Once the anxiety subsides and avoidants feel entirely secure in their personal space— other emotions greet them with full force— fear of abandonment and the thought of losing you. 

These thoughts would continue to haunt them until they reach your door and ask for forgiveness. Deep down, fear of abandonment is far greater than the fear of confrontation for any avoidant, whether dismissive or fearful. 

Do you forgive them every time? Do you pity them every time they return? You shouldn't! Avoidants aren't asking for your forgiveness; they are escaping their own misery through you. Relieving them from their misery without considering your mental health would never do you good. 

"An apology without change is just manipulation, intentional or not."

You cannot and shouldn't accept your avoidant partner every time they return after ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean you should end things for good! 

Suppose there's still an urge within you to fight for this relationship regardless. In that case, there's a right way to do it— a way that benefits you and your avoidant partner equally. 

"Give and take" No relationship can thrive without a 'give and take' agreement, no matter how giving of a person you are! 

F.A.Q.s regarding what happens when an avoidant ignores you?

Here's to understanding more about your avoidant partner/ex when they are a walking mystery with unanswered questions and suppressed emotions. 

Do avoidants come back— Does a fearful avoidant chase you as well?

Yes, but there's also a possibility that they might not return. A dismissive partner may or may not come back, depending on the relationship you both shared. It takes a lot for a dismissive partner to acknowledge their true feelings for you. 

Most of the time, these dismissive avoidants would follow a similar on-off relationship pattern. They might never break up but would continue to take breaks from the relationship without completely letting you go. 

Dismissive partners also tend to not get too emotionally attached to you, so their feelings may never seem sincere or genuine. Plus, they might not even put bare-minimum in the relationship.

On the other hand, fearful avoidants have a greater chance of returning to you once you stop chasing them. Just like dismissive avoidants, they would also follow a similar on-and-off relationship pattern but with greater intensity, coming off as someone with mixed feelings. 

Do dismissive avoidants feel guilty?

"I know because I'm an avoidant 

who's guilty of making others suffer because of me, 

but I'm also an avoidant who's trying to change. 

It's going to be a long journey 

before I can readily accept you and let you in, 

and I understand if you cannot accompany me 

for your own sake. 

I'll try to change nonetheless. 

Thank you for bearing with me all the time and for loving me."

It's complex to speak for all avoidants out there. It's complex to speak about one avoidant as well because they go through so many different sets of emotions. More or less, avoidants are messily entangled in their emotions to properly separate their feelings for others.

Generally speaking, guilt is a normal human emotion. So, of course, avoidants will go through a similar guilt trip just like any other human. However, how they process that guilt differs for every avoidant out there. 

The worst of all possibilities is that avoidants (mostly dismissive avoidants) have a superior self-image and a toxic amount of selfishness. Some would often keep themselves above others; the same goes for mistakes. 

Dismissive avoidants consider themselves to be right all the time. While they might be honorable to themselves, they don't value their actions' effects on others. For them, their emotions, their feelings, and their boundaries come before anyone or everyone. 

For a dismissive avoidant, guilt only knocks on their door when they truly treasured or loved you. Once they are done self-pitying themselves— avoidants would think about you. They might not keep you above them, but they will keep you close somewhere along the lines. 

It's normal to put yourself first. However, the case is extreme and toxic for avoidants because their self-priority doesn't respect or value others. 

Do avoidants miss you?

Yes, they do once their sixth stage blurs out. The initial bliss of getting rid of you and your emotions would provide them relief. However, their suppressed emotions and forlorn love will return to full force once the fog clears. 

At the end of the day, they are humans seeking the same things everyone does. However, their avoidant personality and involved anxiety blur their vision and mindset to separate their genuine emotions and what they actually feel for you. 

Signs an avoidant ex misses you.

"Was it really love? Even if they were avoidants, did they really love or care about me? Now that I'm gone, do they miss me? Do they think about me and the love we shared?"

It's nerve-wracking to contemplate the relationship you shared with your avoidant partner. You want to know if they loved you or want to work on the relationship again, but avoidants are ever so fluent about their feelings. Never.

Whether you want to evaluate your value in the past relationship or want your avoidant ex back— these subtle signs might help you understand your partner and if the relationship is going to work again. 

The big question is— do you really want to get back to your avoidant ex even after going through a turmoil of empty emotions and loneliness? And an even bigger question is, "if they want you back at all?" 

For one, stop romanticizing your ex.

Avoidants missing you doesn't guarantee their love for you. Even if they still love you, it doesn't guarantee a healthy relationship.

"Love is love." It's blinding, frightening, threatening, crazy, intense, hypnotic, and chaotic. Yet… yet we continue to love, continue to give, continue to get hurt. I guess that's the price we pay to experience love in its purest and most sincere form. 

I cannot judge you for wanting someone back, for we all are humans in the end. However, wanting and loving someone back shouldn't degrade you in the process. It shouldn't make you love yourself less. In our next episode, we'll talk about how to make a relationship work with an avoidant and how to have them love you back. 

For now, let's look at these seven signs an avoidant ex misses you. 

They will approach you nonchalantly.

After the tipping point or the breakup, every avoidant has a pre-decided period to recover from the sixth phase. When you were in a relationship with an avoidant, how long did they usually take to return after ghosting you? 

Suppose they used to return within five days every time after ghosting you. In that case, chances are that they would return within a similar time period after the breakup. However, this may vary from person to person, especially if the breakup was intense and hurtful.

It's rare for an avoidant to hit you with a heartfelt apology. They would instead dilute that apology into praises or small talk to sound more normal, composed, and unhurt. 

Avoidants aren't great at confronting, so they might never acknowledge the breakup when talking to you or texting you. 

They connect on social media or try to reach you online. 

They may unfollow you on social media following the breakup. However, an avoidant who misses you would return to your social media account with a follow, likes, and even comments. Social media seems to be one of the easiest ways to reach out to a person. 

An avoidant ex who misses you would often like and comment on your photos with sweet nostalgia. 

"You are still just as mesmerizing as you were back in the time."

"Remember that campaign we joined; they are holding a similar one this year. Be sure to come." 

Nostalgia and reminiscing about the past are the two weapons avoidants use to break the ice.

Apologizing constantly

An apology from an avoidant is exclusive because if they apologize, they have thought about you a lot and enough day and night. Dismissive avoidants move on quickly yet remain single, given their 'lone wolf' personality. 

However, a fearful avoidant may get stuck in a brand new rebound cycle. They detest the fear of abandonment. After a breakup, fearful avoidants may continue to casually rebound with new people to not feel lonely. They may change partners after partners to feel proximity but end up being single again. 

Once they get bored or annoyed by the constant rebounds— they unknowingly initiate a rebound comparison game; where they would compare you with the most recent partners they had. 

Suppose you both shared a loving relationship before the breakup. In that case, they would inevitably return to you with a storm of apologies. 

Once they understand your values through the toxic comparison game, their apologies would double themselves in numbers. 

They would be at a loss for leaving such a valuable person. 

They would be guilty of dating new people. 

They would be guilty of leaving you. 

Eventually, an avoidant who returns to you after a breakup with countless apologies is an avoidant who missed you. 

If you do reply to their text— be ready for a lot more thank you(s) and sorry(s). 

Replying to you with a different enthusiasm. 

"I'm so glad you texted. Let's meet up tomorrow evening. I would love to catch up with your life."

Does your ex-partner sound different now that you both have broken up? Avoidants are far more glad to skip the awkward phase and directly jump to a happening conversation instead of sulking over the breakup. 

If they have missed you, they will consider your text to be a brand new start for something pristine between the two of you. If they appear more excited than usual, consider them missing you like hell. 

Usually, an avoidant who wasn't serious in the relationship wouldn't care if you texted them or not. They would rather ignore the text entirely and have already moved on in their life. However, if they make a reply and that too with tripled enthusiasm, consider it to be a clear sign that your avoidant ex misses you. 

It depends on the relationship you both shared

These questions play a more significant role in determining the past and current status of your relationship/breakup. 

If yes, you broke up with an avoidant who was improving or in the process of understanding their own persona. 

With an avoidant partner, it's crucial to read between the lines and find the hidden subtexts. They are subtle when expressing themselves, but if they have found a partner they are willing to trust, they will slip their feelings in between every now and then. 

It's not just words; it's how they made you feel or how they were around you. Did you get butterflies with how they looked you in the eyes— with so many unsaid emotions?

If they were trying to open up, although, with difficulty, they were willing to trust you and open up (painfully and gradually), they were willing to let go of the boundaries. 

They miss you, and chances are that they still love you. It's most difficult for avoidants to put down their barrier. They simply don't do it casually. If they have done it for you, they miss you and love you. 

Do they want to be friends with you after a breakup?

Yes, your avoidant ex misses you if they want to stay friends with you after the breakup. I know it sounds horrible to even come across such a phrase after the breakup, but with avoidants, it's genuine. 

They know your importance and value as a person in their life. You were close to the love they have always desired. You are also the person they lost while contemplating or fighting their own avoidant anxiety. 

They don't want to lose you, but they also don't want to get affected by the relationship and the chaos it brings along. So, they choose to stay friends to avoid losing you and themselves. 

They act weird around you.

Ever ran into your ex and instantly found their behavior to be weirder than usual? It's normal human behavior to act all weird when coming across someone you profoundly like. 

The behavior is even more intense for avoidants who carry so many unsaid emotions for an ex-partner they didn't want to lose (A.K.A., you). 

For humans, it's pretty easy to act normal or authentic around someone you don't like— we simply don't care about leaving an impression on someone we have no feelings for. However, the dynamics of one's persona instantly change when you encounter someone you like. 

Avoidants are just as human as anyone else— they aren't prone to such emotions either. They simply are good at hiding them from a very young age. 

All the unsaid words, the loss of a lover, the pain of losing someone they wanted to rely on clashes with an avoidant like a drowning wave— it may make them lose words and aid their weirdness. 

So, if an avoidant acts weird, know they have missed you. 

avoidant getting hugged

Loving someone with avoidant attachment 

Before concluding what and what not to do with an avoidant, you must first be aware of your own attachment style. 

"Do you feel secure in your relationships?" If not, you may have one of these three attachment styles:

Someone with a secure attachment style doesn't usually mind a person with an anxious/avoidant/disorganized attachment style. They understand humans, emotions, and traumas and empathize with their partner's actions. 

Secure attachment styles believe in their partner's growth, understanding, and individuality. They are rarely jealous, envious, or doubtful in the relationship. 

Regardlessly, individuals with a secure attachment style also aren't afraid of ending a relationship that's draining and not worth the effort. 

It becomes a traumatic issue when an avoidant and an anxious/disorganized person come together in a relationship. It's even more chaotic if neither of them is aware of their own attachment style and what's the cause behind these attachment styles. 

Anxious partners would often feel betrayed and used. On the other hand, avoidant partners may feel misunderstood and suffocated. Anxious people want to cling to their partner and not face the fear of abandonment. Avoidants don't want to feel emotions and closeness. So, it's deemed to be chaotic. 

 In our next episodes on attachment style theories, we will discuss the following: 

Wrapping up

Deep down, avoidants are just as human as anybody else out there— just as miserably vulnerable, broken, hurt, and unloved. 

Avoidants are constantly at the disposal of harsh judgment. For everyone out there, please know that no relationship is a compilation of good memories only. No matter how secure, every relationship will have its own moment of misery, downfall, and severe episodes. 

Relationships thrive on continuous effort and gradual growth. So, it's pretty inhumane to say—

"Avoidants shouldn't be loved." 

"Don't get into a relationship with an avoidant. Period."

"Avoidants simply are horrible people with awful personalities." 

There should be compassion in the way you love— compassion to love unconditionally, to grow together, and shield each other. Of course, it should always be from both sides, and in our next series, we'll learn just that.

Yes and no! 

You may have encountered many instances where a couple would react the same way or speak simultaneously. While it's common to develop similar personality traits given the time together— is it fundamentally correct for facial features and appearance, too? 

Debatable! For some couples, it may be true. For others, not so much! I have seen couples who look completely different and couples who share similarities.

It can happen to couples who have been living together for a long time and also to partners who don't know each other yet. So, is it true? Are these couples really a product of heaven where souls are made and separated on earth to meet again? 

Sounds delusional and mystical, right? But in all its authority, we cannot remove the possibility of it being actually true. I'm not ignorant, but let's keep it aside until it has some grounding facts. 

For the time being, let's look at some of the psychological evidence/studies on whether soulmates look alike or not. 

Psychological reasons why some soulmates look alike

Psychologically speaking, there are many patterns that may as well justify the existence of this statement 'do soulmates look alike.' 

As culturally widespread as it may be, "opposites attract" still remains a delirious myth. Almost 80% of the population believes in "opposites attract," however only in theories. In reality, individuals often try to find a compatible partner and share similarities, beliefs, and personality traits. 

Somehow, if they do get connected with a polar opposite person— one or the other would try to change their partner to feel more comfortable, compatible, and understood. 

'Opposites attract' is true as long as it's applied to magnets. For humans, similarities and same beliefs matter. Of course, exceptions do follow, but at the cost of compromise, conflicts, daily arguments, different orientations, miscommunication, less romance, severe distance, etc. 

In conclusion, psychological studies deduce humans to be more attracted to someone similar— this goes all the way to personality, appearance, looks, and features. 

Although keep in mind that these choices are often subconscious—choosing someone who matches your energy, appearances, choices, and personality isn't intentional; it comes naturally and subconsciously. 

Psychologists study two different versions of soulmates to develop a proper analysis. 

  1. Soulmates who have been together for years can catch similar lifestyles, hobbies, diets, and interests. These interests may shape their physique and muscle proportion, making both partners look similar. (More on this ahead in the article.)
  1. Soulmates who haven't met yet: So your soulmate is out there being your photocopy? Not so much. However, your soulmate may be searching for someone just like them for reasons we'll conclude ahead. 

Why do couples start to look alike when living together?

It's not unusual to catch similar personality traits and hobbies with your partner. I have a habit of catching accents whenever I'm around someone new— it's something I do unconsciously.

If I can learn new accents within a series of days, couples who live together for years can and most certainly will adapt their partner's personality and similar traits. 

Of course, these similar interests and traits wouldn't make them a xerox photocopy of each other. However, it's ignorant to consider that these traits wouldn't yield a little significant similarity in their appearance. 

Similar fashion and style

Have you ever encountered Brad Pitt and his ever-changing hair color/hairstyle? The actor is known for matching his haircut/hairstyle with his partner(s). The media quotes, "Brad Pit: the man who likes to look like his girlfriend." 

Similar hair color and hairstyle are just one of the many patterns humans adapt while living together. It can go as far as wearing the same outfits, makeup, accessories, and colors. While such is not the case with every couple out there— it's definitely more common (subconsciously) than you may think. 

Also, their attire or makeup doesn't always have to be a xerox copy of each other— instead, they wear a similar vibe. 

For instance, emo couples may wear dark-themed outfits with chains, bold kajal/eyeliner/mascara, nose pins, leather jackets, etc. This resemblance makes people believe that the two share similar features, camouflage at its best. 

On the other hand, some couples share brighter/vibrant colored attires— their sunshine appearance will radiate the same energy, thus making people believe that they look alike. 

I have been told quite a few times that my best friend and I have started to look alike, and we share zero facial similarities. This comment usually blooms whenever we wear the same shade of lipstick (dark maroon) or similar outfits. 

Examples of couples who share similar fashion and style: 

Of course, there's Brad Pitt and his ex-partners, but have you ever seen Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa? Well, their long and chiseled faces aren't the only similarities the couple shares. Their thick and bohemian locks, sun-kissed skin, and a similar hippie vibe give them an uncanny resemblance. 

Another great couple with a striking resemblance is — Megan Fox and Machine gun kelly. With their chiseled jaw, sharp nose, and equally jaw-dropping fashion— it's hard to separate their entity. Megan fox and Machine gun kelly are also known for sharing similar fashion vibes— they become retro together, then emo, then colorful street vogue, and back to sassy.

They share the same hobbies.

Similar hobbies can shape similar physiques and facial expressions. 

For instance, 

The chances are still off-the-bait, but we are discussing rare possibilities here. 

I once dated a man who was equally devoted to reading— we used to read day and night and often talked about philosophy. When talking about philosophy, our entities used to become one—we would smile, laugh, and snicker simultaneously. 

Couples mirror each other.

Another great contrast I have seen amongst couples is their facial expression. They unknowingly mimic their partner's expressions/actions— whether it's their smile, nose wrinkles, or laughter. Having similar facial expressions also contributes to the appearance similarities couples share. 

You mirror their actions unknowingly. For instance, 

Soulmates subconsciously mirror emotions to comfort their partner; such is the case with many observant partners. They observe their partner's emotions and needs keenly and will mirror in efforts to bring comfort. 

Selena Gomez and The weekend eventually started to look alike when they started mirroring each other's expressions, plus their cute round face was an instant giveaway. It sucks that they aren't together, but not all soulmates end up together. 

They pick habits and mannerisms.

As discussed, soulmates living together for years also tend to pick their partner's habits and mannerisms. This doesn't limit to good habits but goes all the way to bad habits/mannerisms. 

They will pick each other's accents, language, dialect, slang, and reaction to mirror each other, contributing more towards a similar appearance. 

Soulmates who look alike but have never met before

We can still fathom or accept the similarity between couples who have been living together for ages, but considering the same for couples who have never met? Now, that's utterly bizarre. 

Luckily, psychology serves us many answers that may as well reason the same statement. 

Human nature seeks validation.

"We don't look for the differences; we look for acceptance."

Many individuals would seek a partner sharing similar facial features— in a twisted way, through this subconscious selection, they are trying to love and accept their own appearance and shortcomings. Such is the case with individuals dealing with insecurities and the burden of beauty measures. 

Insecure people cannot love themselves wholly because they judge themselves way too often. However, such individuals would also subconsciously choose a partner with similar facial features to love those very flaws that make them hate/despise themselves. 

These cases are rare and, thus, remain bizarre. 

We accept ourselves through the similarities we share with others. For instance, you may have often developed a soft corner for actors/actresses/celebrities who share a little similarity with your appearance— perhaps, a thick nose, big teeth, small eyes, height, face, etc. 

It's natural and subconscious to gravitate towards someone who looks like you. 

This choice makes individuals feel more secure and safe in the relationship. Why? Imagine being in a relationship with someone way out of your league. You'd inevitably feel insecure in that relationship. 

You'd be constantly worrying about rejection or betrayal. These relationships and such insecurities will also stem jealousy! So, people often find comfort in dating someone who shares similarities— it's twisted but also natural. 

Don't forget; these choices are subconscious— these people may never know, and it's alright! It's normal; it's human. 

Individuals gravitate towards people who look familiar. 

How many times have you dated someone who shares a similar contrast with that of your family? Rewind your past relationships, and see if you can find someone who shares similarities with your dad/mom/cousins/other family members.

Well, did you? It doesn't need to be appearance; many seek partners who share similar personality traits with their parents/family. 

Eventually, your genes would flame and give you a similar appearance to that of your mom/dad or other family members. Our parents shape our perspective, at least initially, because we grow up with them, we watch, and we observe them. It's natural to accept and agree to their beliefs and choices. 

Your mother would suggest an ideal partner be someone like your dad and vice versa. So, it's natural to gravitate towards someone like your mom/dad. Similarly, if you idolize your parents, you want someone just like them. 

Seeking someone familiar brings comfort and a homely feeling for individuals. 

Same background

Interracial marriages are becoming more and more common. Gone are the days when interracial marriages were frowned upon and looked down upon by society. However, many individuals still prefer marriages in the same caste/religion/race. 

Similar religion/race offers individuals many similarities— appearance, religious practices, rituals, faith, culture, traditions, attire, language, body proportion/height/mass (similar for couples of the same country) 

The same background allows individuals to be more comfortable. Soulmates may choose the same background for several reasons: 

So, most people choose someone from their own country and background than elsewhere, 

Have you seen Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia? They are both British Indians, and the striking similarity is uncanny! 

Examples of similarities between couples who share similar facial features 

Even a single similarity can make people believe that you and your partner are a lookalike— illusion of the mind. 

What does science say about 'do soulmates look alike?

Scientifically speaking, there's not much evidence backing up the same statement, so it remains a baseless fictional thought. 

However, is the intrinsic mind of a human being/universe's doing ever so easily comprehended? No, science remains far from understanding the complexity of human emotions, love, cosmic connection, and the beyond. Some phenomena remain baseless but cannot be dispersed for the sake of reality. 

FAQs

Is it true that couples who look alike are meant to be together?

Not necessarily. The success of a relationship doesn't depend on the physical similarities you share with your partner. It doesn't depend on looks at all. Sure, relationships start with attraction, but that's only the start. For relationships to work, you need more than just good and/or similar looks. 

Relationships thrive on communication, empathy, respect, and commitment. Without valuable morals in a relationship, it will fail even if you look alike. 

The possibility of soulmates looking alike is rare, but it still doesn't guarantee togetherness. Relationships succeed on the intrinsic value of a person, not extrinsic. 

Do soulmates look like siblings?

Soulmates are partners who share an extreme connection between two different souls— they don't share a single soul, nor do they always have the same features. As a matter of fact, even siblings from the same parents can look completely different. So, the question is utterly baseless and a little uncomfortable for couples who actually look alike. 

Many couples who look alike must have heard these questions at least once (or more) in their lifetime.  

As uncomfortable as it may seem, some people simply cannot resist the similarities some couples share. It's intriguing. 

Researchers have found striking evidence for the existence of doppelgangers. Doppelgangers are fascinating— they are lookalikes of a person but aren't biologically related to that very person. Further studies report that these doppelgangers may even share many similarities in their DNA. 

Francois Brunelle, a Canadian photographer, has so far photographed 16 astonishingly similar doppelgangers. So, partners who fret about being called siblings can throw this theory in their faces the next time intruders attack them with such baseless ridicule. 

No, couples who look alike aren't a product of incest. Individuals choosing someone similar is a subconscious selection, not incest. Two studies were held to determine the consciousness behind choosing your lookalike.

In the first research, subjects were shown two morphed pictures. The first picture was a morph of themselves with their partner (self-based morph), and the second morph was their partner's face with that of a same-sex prototype (partner-based morph). 

The study showed that most subjects were attracted to the self-based morph more than the partner-based one, resulting in the conclusion that people prefer someone who looks like them. 

The same study was held to understand the conscious level behind these choices. In this research, subjects were told, "we are interested in studying incest. We want to know how attractive people find faces that resemble genetic relatives such as parents, brothers, and sisters." 

As a result, most participants chose "self-based morph" as less sexually attractive. Thus concluding, choosing someone who looks alike is a subconscious decision. 

Are we attracted to those who look like us?

Love is weird, and attraction is unfathomable. You never know or realize why you get attracted to some people and don't feel dopamine with others. 

Biologically, your body experiences multiple chemical reactions when you feel attraction towards someone and vice versa. This attraction can be triggered by your hormones, smell, and perceived preferences. Surprisingly, everyone will have different preferences— some individuals prefer intelligence, others want looks.

It can be as simple as being attracted to someone's hands or their fashion or as big as being attracted to someone's personality. 

So to say that we are only naturally attracted to our lookalike is absurd. Individuals may or may not be attracted to lookalikes. It's a possibility, but not the case for every couple. 

Do twin flames look alike?

Twin flames are individuals who share one soul in two bodies; the same is not necessary for their physical attributes. 

What does twin flame mean?

"We, the strangers, feel so familiar.

Your eyes remind me of mine.

Your strange smile comforts me

and calls me into the abyss.

We aren't lovers, said the twins

but we breathe together, 

feel together,

share pain and laughter. 

This uncanny connection that we cannot name, 

it's majestic and absolutely blissful."

Twin flames feel poetic— they share the same mind, emotions, connection, intelligence, reaction, and growth. They are givers for each other and would remain the same for life. 

Twin flames aren't always lovers; they can be siblings, strangers, friends, or other family members. 

So, do twin flames look alike? 

People who have found their spiritual twin flames do notice a striking contrast between themselves and their twin flames, especially their eyes. 

Some even go beyond and look at the exact copy of each other despite having different races, colors, and religions. 

Their resemblance isn't identical but noticeable in small details. So it's true that twin flames look alike. Some may share limited similarities with their twin flames; others can have heavy parallelism. 

My twin flame is my brother; we share the same mind and thought process and witness similar telepathy. He aids my growth, and I aid his growth. 

There's comfort and serenity around me when he's around, and the same goes for him. We share a spiritual connection and do share many physical similarities as well. Of course, these shared similarities can be a product of genetic similarities, but I have experienced being a twin flame, and it's blissful. 

Conclusion

Having a doppelganger or a lookalike has always been fascinating for human beings— it generates a weird curiosity amongst individuals when they do come across such people. 

However, having a look alike doesn't guarantee love. So, before you go ahead and end a beautiful relationship, please know that many soulmates can look completely different.

There are those in this world who have known a depth of darkness that others will never be able to comprehend.

A level of darkness that has pushed them to every limit imaginable.

A test that many others would not be able to survive.

There is a teaching in that darkness.

An understanding of the well of human emotion.

A holding.

A deepening of compassion for humanity.

For our suffering.

It is time for us to rise now.

To be the Light in the darkness of humanity's crumbling.

Our resurrection.

Rebirth.

Thank you darkness for teaching me the depth of my compassion.

For it all.

May I now be the rooted and grounded tree of LOVE for us all.

Oh, little bird...

How you fly.

Freely without fear.

Although death may be near.

You drift, glide and disappear.

You are here and then you are there.

Always prepared and never scared.

You are brave.
Far too rebellious to stay in a cage.
Oh, how you would rage.
You are meant to travel far and wide.
Oh how you glide against the smooth night air
So beautiful, it's hard not to stare
Little bird.. Take care.


When it comes to making our soulmates feel special, we are no less than NASA scientists. We are always trying to find or plan things for our 'special someone' that are extraordinary and unworldly. We want to make them feel special and loved because they deserve it!  

Of course, you can surprise your boo with expensive shoes and branded watches. 

However, nothing compares to something you make with your own hands, time, and emotions— yes, drawing something romantic for your partner works wonders and you’d never know unless you try! 

girl drawing things for her boyfriend

It may come as a surprise, but guys also appreciate handcrafted items made by their boo. It feels more personal, romantic, and intimate. 

Writing a letter or simply doodling something connected to the both of you or just him is something he will always hold close to his heart. 

And while writing a letter is a great option, going the extra mile and drawing cute little things for your boyfriend will make his oxytocin hormone crave for you. 

When it comes to finding things to draw for your prince charming, the alternatives are countless but still puzzling! 

Here's a compiled list of some great ideas you can draw for your boyfriend— that will undoubtedly make his eyelids flutter and give him more reasons to love you just a little more.

30 Things to draw for your boyfriend as a beginner or an expert. 

Whether a rookie at drawing or lost while finding creative painting ideas for your boyfriend— this article will help you throughout the journey. We might not teach you how to paint, but there's nothing that can stop you from sending your lover a romantic painting that he can frame later. 

Word of advice: Don't just stick to painting colors, get artistic and bring the artist inside you to life. There's a wide range of colors that you can use and an even wider range of romance to spill on the sheets. 

As a rookie, you can doodle caricatures of your boyfriend and yourself. As an adept painter, go beyond and paint the first date you spent together or your most memorable memory as a couple. 

Let's unveil all the treasurable ideas to draw for your boyfriend.

Easy and cute things to draw for your boyfriend

Here are some easy and cute drawing ideas for your boyfriend apt for beginners/rookies: 

1. Short comic of your love story

Photo credit: Jude_Devir

Instead of actually drawing real faces, portraits, or realistic paintings, switch to stick figure representation, cartoon illustrations, or caricature— you have to agree it's cuter! 

With cartoon illustration and scenery, comics also use captions and bubble speeches to enhance dialogues and conversation. 

Choose the best date of your life with your boyfriend that holds the most beautiful, romantic, or funny conversation and start the comic. Make sure it's colorful and glittery. 

For instance, 

2. Funny caricature representation of your boyfriend or you and him both

Try exaggerating his appearance, facial beauty, fashion, and body in this drawing. With the drawing, don't forget to add his most charismatic one-liner. Try to make the presentation as hilarious and dramatic as you'd like— caricature art form is all about a good laugh. 

3. One-line drawing of you and your boyfriend

As the name suggests, a one-line drawing includes a single line that sketches the whole outline of a landscape, things, pets, or humans (without shading). It's the most simplified version of human drawings yet very romantic. 

Artists don't usually pick their drawing tool while creating line drawing art. So, try to do it in one go! 

In fact, one-line drawing frames are actually a great feature of today's home decor— so why waste the opportunity? He can hang it on the wall and look at it whenever he can! 

3. Doodle your way into his heart

"Grab those sharpies and start doodling!"

Doodling can change even the blandest items into colorful home decor. While you don't have to doodle down his whole house, cute doodle gifts will brighten his living with colors and art. 

Customizing small doodles is so pure— you can plop various emotions, small memories, or belongings on a piece of paper and give it to him.

Find out what interests him the most— sports, games, zombies, technology, mandala art, cats/dogs/pigs/animals, food, his favorite movie, etc., and start doodling. 

You can even create personalized doodle gifts for your boyfriend. 

Romantic things to draw for your bf

1. His beloved season: 

"Each season brings us memories of years past." 

Seasons are nostalgic— bringing warmth, nostalgia, and lost memories. They hold many memories of our past lives— the sad, the happy, the struggles, and the glories. 

You can draw his favorite season, frame it, and give it to him! Every time he peeks at it, he will recall those emotions and warmth connected to this season. 

Perhaps, you can paint or draw the season you guys first met— autumn, winter, summer? Every season is beautiful and will work as a gorgeous memory decor in his house and heart. 

Ask him about his most beautiful memory, the season that engulfed them during that time, and make sure he's specific about the season and the surrounding. 

A seasonal drawing can accelerate as a reminder for him! 

2. Capture a memory

Do you remember the craziest time you had with your boo? Do you have any memories worth keeping in the form of art forever? Well, sketch it on paper! 

For example, you can paint the time when you sneaked into his house and surprised him with the warmest kiss? Drawing these cute little memories will surely let him know he's winning at acquiring your love and securing a place in your heart. 

Although guys don't tell straightforwardly, they absolutely love that you adore them just as much.

3. Intertwined hands 

Wondering what will be the best thing you can draw for him that's romantic and connected to the both of you? 

You! Your hands, your eyes, your smile, your laughter— you and your existence are two of the most endearing things that have happened to his life. 

Take help from your photos and draw your and your partner's fingers intertwined. 

Bonus tip: Add simple yet endearing rings to both hands' ring fingers and watch him go crazy by your bold and committing statement. 

Gripping the hands of your love actually denotes comfort, warmth, and sacred intimacy. The painting/drawing will tell him that you were, you are, and you will stand for him and with him forever!

4. A compilation of all the dates you both have spent together. 

Do you remember your first date and the chronicles that followed? How his simple smile won you over and how it still works like magic? Do you remember every detail of every encounter you both came across—  

Well, if you remember every tiny detail of all the dates, congratulations! You are madly in love with this person! 

Why hold these details with yourself when you can show him just how much his existence matters to you? 

Draw it down! It doesn't have to completely match the picture but holds every date's essence. 

Highlight the best moment of each date and paint it out! Also, don't forget to give a unique name to every date you draw. 

And so on. 

Also, is your bad boy terrible at remembering dates? Mention all the necessary dates with every painting to set a romantic reminder for him. 

To make it extra cute, add a threat in case he forgets these dates. It would be cute to see his sly smile.

Creative painting gifts for your boyfriend

Romance apart, you can also make drawings solely based on him, his likes, and his life. For instance, drawing his favorite anime character poster or his favorite movie poster. 

1. His favorite brand

Confused? Oh, baby! Almost every boy is into some kind of brand. If he's overly obsessed with cars, he surely does have a wallpaper of his dream car, either from the brand Porsche, Lamborghini, or Bugatti! 

Drawing a mustang car/car logo and adding creativity to his favorite brand logo will surprise him. 

I know it sounds stupid, but psychology studies suggest that this super simple gift will show him how much you observe and care for him and his choices. 

To woo him over, add his name to the back mirror of the mustang painting, and he will cry! 

2. A cartoon character: 

Yes! You can create cute drawings of his favorite cartoons. We can't agree more that cartoons are one of the most unforgettable emotions of our childhood— cartoons didn't only shape our youth but also our character in a way. 

The painting would be a reminder of the good old days! So, go ahead and tell him to tell you his favorite cartoon. Ask him for his favorite season and then draw it for him. 

The choices are immense— Oswald, Noddy, Doraemon, Pokemon, Dragon ball Z, Duck tales, He-Man, Courage the cowardly dog, or Ed, Edd, and Eddy! These are some of the top cartoons boys used to absolutely love. Back in the time, or maybe still. 

Drawing a cartoon character for him can give him a cozy message that you love his inner child too! 

3. Does he have a pet, or is he planning for one?

Drawing animals for your boyfriend is one of the cutest things. 

If he's planning to have a dog— this painting/drawing will work as a great inspiration and encouragement for him. 

However, if he already has a pet that he loves more than his own life (and you)— paint them together to create the most emotional gift one can receive as an animal lover. 

It's good if you can paint a photorealist painting of his and his pet's picture. However, drawing a caricature or cartoonist representation of him and his pet would be more cute and endearing. 

Don't just draw a random pet; instead— dive into his photo gallery and choose his favorite photo (of the pet and him) from the collection. Then, try to illustrate that photo in your own creative ways. 

If you are bad at it, draw his baby's paws and your footprint on the beach— it would be more profound and memorable.

4. Anime character: 

Chances are that the love of your life is a huge anime fan (Otaku, originating in Japan). In fact, boys are crazy about anime; it is their second personality! 

Drawing him his favorite anime character or series poster will tell him that you find his obsession cute! 

Unlike other drawings, anime/manga posters can be cool home decor because animes have an intense aura, many cool villains, and even cooler picturization.  

I gifted my boyfriend with a Naruto band and Itachi's cloak, and he burst into tears with happiness! 

As a rookie, anime can be a complex art form to draw. Worry not! You can take the help of tracing papers to draw his valued anime character precisely!

5. Poster of his favorite singer/band

As someone who's overly enthusiastic about rock music, jazz, the Beatles, Nirvana, and Queen— I'd be honored to receive a handmade poster of my favorite band. It would absolutely look beautiful amidst my poster collection. 

This poster would work like magic if your boyfriend worships music and exists only with a guitar. You can draw something similar to the movie 'Bohemian Rhapsody' vintage posters.

Adding lyrics will intensify the meaning behind your gift, especially if he's going through tough times. 

6. Is he a reading horse?

Well, recreate the most favorite books/scenes of his life and transform them into great book covers. 

All you have to do is to make an extra effort to know more about his favorite book or what he likes most about it! By taking support from his answers, you can draw a series of simple doodling characters that showcase a specific scene of that book! 

He can use those drawings as a bookmark, book covers, window stickers, reading desk stickers, etc.

7. A series of his pet's painting

Drawing him with his pet is one thing, but dedicating a whole canvas or craft book to his pet's photos is entirely another. The drawings will leave him awestruck and give him memories of life. 

8. Easy-peasy Emoji

You can doodle cute emojis for your partner! Emojis are a great way of expressing our emotions in a non-verbal way. 

If you are less good at drawing (I avoid negative words) and you find drawing hands, pets or scenery challenging, then doodling cute emoji stickers is what you can do. 

You can draw an emoji with zipped lips or fingers on his lips with the following quotes

A cute couple of emoji stickers for his fridge, wallet, and room would be a great way to tease him with cheesy bits.

9. His passion

Is your boyfriend a great dancer or a singer who loves instruments? You can draw something related to his hobbies to salute his passion— this drawing will show him that you care and support him! 

Doodling him as a model, a famous star, a rockstar, or a sports person will tell him that you believe in him! Don't stop yourself from adding supportive captions in the paintings. 

10. His bucket list places

We all dream— constantly and enthusiastically. We all have a dream place to visit, and I'm sure your boyfriend has mentioned it to you several times in casual conversation! Well, chase his dream down, learn where he wants to go and what he wants to do there, and paint that very dream. 

Whether it's a crazy dream to dive deep into the ocean near Puerto Vallarta or skydive from a great height— let him know that you appreciate his wildly beating heart that's crazy about adventure. 

Tell him you will be there with him when this journey begins and never stop traveling or making dreams. 

Drawing these activities will surely be a delightful gift for him. Tell him to hang this drawing on his cupboard or near his bed so it can also be an affirmation for him and motivate him!

If he's an avid traveler, create a pictorial itinerary for all the destinations he wishes to visit. Add month/year and let him know that you'll make it possible for him and the both of you! 

Winding-Up

Not every gift needs to be extravagant; some of these drawings/paintings will forever remain close to his heart and soul. 

You can fetch or reinvent a lot more drawing ideas for your boyfriend by learning more about him daily! So, never stop knowing your partner and being curious about his emotions. 

Some gifts dazzle you; others become a memory that you store close to your heart, safely locked! With these cute drawing ideas for your boyfriend, be ready for mushy hugs and kisses because your boyfriend will get emotional! 

Although some drawing ideas or doodling may seem a little tough, it's worth the effort, and efforts make it all the more special. 

It doesn't need to be an art piece by Leonardo Vinci— so welcome flaws and embrace the imperfect painting/drawings you create out of love. 

This custom gift is still just as priceless as the Monalisa painting! Ask us why. Because you pour your heart and thoughts into it for your lover!  

Flaws & imperfections are beautiful too, no?


Are you looking for some witty ghosting quotes that you can slam in a post caption or IG story and make him regret losing you? Let me tell you, that's a great idea. 

Below is a list of over 50 tempting guy ghosting quotes that will make him rethink why the hell he made such a dumb mistake and why YOU are so much better off.

Without any further ado, let's begin. 

50+ Guy Ghosting Quotes to blow up his mind with regret! 

Let's face it: ghosting is one of the most challenging things to overcome.

We all know the feeling. You've been dating someone for a while, or you're really into a new crush, and then suddenly, they're just gone. 

"Breakup hurts the most." may be the most overtly-stated quote. The person who has written this must not be ghosted. Jammy!  

It's like a breakup, except… well… not really. Because you didn't break up with each other—they just stopped talking to you.

It sucks! When you are so comfortable with that other person, you don't even think twice about showing your pimples or sharing those embarrassing moments of your childhood with them—Poof, they disappear! 

It is like you have been pinched with a sharp knife straight in your heart; agh! Liitttttle deeper. You might be stuck thinking about what you have done that hurt that spineless person. Trust me, it's not you; it's them.

The only way to get rid of this ugly feeling is by accepting the fact that they are not interested. You don't need to worry about that loser anymore. 

Here in this blog, I bring some ghostly quotes, sayings, captions, and phrases that will not only help you to get over that jerk but also works as salt on them.

Guy Ghosting Quotes

Here are some witty guy ghosting quotes that work as an act of revenge on your dumb ghost!

Ghost Buster Quotes

Bust your ghost's mind with these sarcastic ghost buster quotes; 

Quotes about Ghosting

If you're looking for sad quotes about ghosting, below are some amazing ghosting quotes you can use: 

I left traces, hoping you'd search. 

I left traces, hoping. 

I left traces. 

I left." 

— Words by h. 

This is a favorite tactic of many narcissists and psychopaths. They see this behavior as the ultimate sign of power. In reality, it highlights erratic and dysfunctional behaviors that they love to deny exist.

Ghosting can lead survivors to truly see the toxic person for what they are: An Abuser." 

Quotes Ghosting

Here are some quotes on ghosts to relate to: 

Ghosted Quotes 

If you're ghosted by a guy, it's imperative to know that it wasn't your fault. People ghost others because they fear commitment, love, and honesty. And if you lost someone like this, trust me, it happened for the best! 

Here are some ghosted quotes for you to relate to your situation: 

It's not necessary to talk to someone every day. And even if you do, there's a high chance that you might not end up liking that person. That's normal. 

It's also normal to tell a person you're not interested in them; let them know politely. They'll be glad that you saved their time. 

What's not normal is disappearing into thin air and expecting the person waiting for you to come down to their own conclusions!" 

Quotes Ghosting

Here are some quotes on ghosting to use when you're ghosted by someone you liked: 

Deep down, I already knew your answer, but for some reason, I wanted you to say it. And with every minute that passed, I could feel my heart sinking lower and lower to my stomach." 

I deserve a love that has been sure of me from the beginning. 

Anything forced is just not worth fighting for; whatever flows flows, what crashes crashes. It is what it is." 

Being Ghosted Quotes

If someone has just ghosted you and you're finding some getting ghosted quotes to seek comfort in, here they are: 

Quotes on Ghosting someone 

Did you just ghost someone? Or are you planning on ghosting a person and leaving a 'close friends' story on your Instagram with a ghosting quote? We have numerous ghost quotes for you to use; but before that —

Instead of ghosting, say this: 

"I had a nice time with you. The connection you and I have isn't the connection that I am looking for. Take good care." 

Simply making the other person understand that they may not be the right person for you can change a lot of things. Instead of ghosting or leaving a person, it's your responsibility to offer them the closure they need. 

Anyway, below are 20+ quotes on ghosting someone: 

Ghosting Relationship Quotes

It is not easy to move on. But to make this path a little smoother for you, below I brought some philosophical (not complicated) quotes that can surely add something you need the most.

Coward Ghosting Quotes

Ghosting… the action of exhibiting the nonexistence of character, integrity, and respect, which is increasingly common in self-centered cowards.

Wrapping Up

Ghosting is one of the most hurtful actions; it's a reckless rejection. The reason why being ghosted feels the worst is because you are left with no closure, no guidelines for how to move forward, and a bundle of emotions to understand on your own. 

If you already suffer from self-esteem or abandonment issues, being ghosted can bring these insecurities out and eat you. However, it is imperative for you to understand that being ghosted is not your fault. 

There is nothing wrong with you, and you didn't do anything to make the other person a ghost. It's their emotional unavailability and immature heart that ran away without any explanation. 

If you're a survivor of ghosting, these ghosting quotes will help you find closure and forget the coward that you once liked. It's time to move forward and find yourself someone who's an angel, not a ghost! 

Have you been feeling dizzy around your significant other—so frequently that even sitting close to them switches off your body automatically? When you lay down beside them, your eyes begin closing in less than 10 minutes, and you feel at peace. 

Maybe you're just a sleep lover, or maybe there's euphoric love within that is causing the relaxing, peaceful symptoms. No matter what the case, feeling sleepy around someone you love is entirely normal. 

couple sleeping together

In this article, we'll explore some primary reasons why you feel sleepy with your significant other and discuss the importance of sleeping together. 

So, if you have questions like "why do i get sleepy around my partner," "why am i so tired around my boyfriend," or "why do i sleep better with my girlfriend," we have all the answers for you! 

Why do you get sleepy around someone you love? 

Being in a romantic relationship is overwhelming. Not in a negative way, but loving someone indeed requires hard work and unconditional effort. The emotional toll of dating—happiness, pleasure, excitement, ecstasy, nervousness, sadness, and even stress—can be hefty and exhausting. 

This is why simply being in a relationship is enough reason behind you feeling sleepy around someone you love. However, there can be more to this than just exhaustion and body reset. 

Here are ten reasons why do you get sleepy around someone you love: 

1. You're completely relaxed when around them. 

One of the most common reasons behind feeling sleepy around your significant other is that they make you feel comfortable and safe. 

A cozy homely feeling surrounds you whenever you're with them, and your heart is at peace. In such a situation, it is natural for you to let your guard down and stop trying hard to maintain a fake personality. 

The feeling of security leads to relaxation, and there you are, dozing off like a lethargic panda. Here's a poem I wrote that might better explain my point: 

Wish I was sleeping next to you

"Lately, you are my only lullaby. 

Your voice sings a melody that pulls me deeper into slumber. 

You talk about grocery,

And I smile at the irony. 

How can your weird-ass talk doze me off when white noise cannot?

You sure are a witch,

Granting me peace, serenity, and comfort. 

With you, sleeping isn't a struggle. 

With you, closing my eyes isn't as scary. 

With you, life's breathable."  

couple being together

2. You're chemically bonded to your partner sleep 

Another interesting explanation behind you getting sleepy around your significant other is your chemistry bond. 

When you sleep next to someone you love, the body releases feel-good hormones like oxytocin and serotonin, making you even more sleepy. If you're all loved up in bed—sharing kisses, cuddling, and spending intimate time—your body will release these love hormones. 

Subsequently, 

Additionally, your brain requires serotonin to create melatonin—the primary hormone that maintains your sleep-wake cycle. 

High oxytocin levels result in falling asleep quicker than usual and staying asleep for more prolonged durations! 

3. You exhaust yourself from physical activities. 

It is only natural to get exhausted with your romantic partner because you spend more energy than usual. You're engaging in physical activities (we know you can't take your hands off each other), which directly affects your sleep alarm. 

You might ask yourself, "why do I sleep better with my boyfriend," The answer is hidden in your bedtime secrets. What you do when you're alone in a room burns a lot of calories, resulting in cozy, sleepy vibes. 

4. You're bored with them.

Just like you can get sleepy after steamy makeout sessions, you may also start dozing off when getting bored. I hope this is not it, but if you're regularly spending drowsy times with your partner, you're more prone to sleep away. 

Perhaps, getting bored doesn't always mean your love is fading off. It may just be a slow-paced phase that almost all relationships face. While many partners begin to misunderstand this phase, you should know that it's not necessary to be high-in-the-sky all the time. 

Love is when you're 100% authentic to each other and acknowledge every part of life or your relationship as a sweet and salty journey. Every phase in your romantic relationship will teach you to love more, care more, and develop mutual understanding. 

Back to sleeping with someone you love—getting bored is undoubtedly a good enough reason. Maybe you're not even bored, but if you're not doing exciting and fun things together, you'll naturally want to dig in the bed. 

5. You're not getting proper sleep.

Being in a relationship takes more than just lovey-dovey texts and calls. You actually need to make time in your day and be physically present with your lover! 

And with regular romantic action comes the need to hibernate for at least 8 hours. Your body needs to rest for a minimum of 8 hours to replenish energy and prepare for the next day. 

If late-night calls and facetime are keeping you up, you will obviously restore that lost sleep at some other time. And what's better than your partner's cozy arms? 

The answer to your question, "why do I fall asleep so easily with my boyfriend?" lies in your sleep-wake schedule. If you've been surviving on 4-5 hours of sleep every day, it's only natural to fall asleep when spending time with your partner. 

couple being sleepy together

6. You're stressed with them.

Maintaining a romantic relationship can be stressful and tiring sometimes. When you're putting a lot of effort into going on dates, worrying about problems, carrying out unique plans, and solving certain dating issues, adequate rest is often ripped off. 

You never really enjoy a night of sound sleep and may be stressing out more than usual. This directly affects your sleep and causes you to fall asleep while lying in bed with your partner. 

Note that this is normal, and almost every couple goes through hardships. Struggling or stressing out in a relationship does not mean your bond is going south; it only means you're burning up more energy than usual. 

So if you're feeling sleepy around someone you love, just sleep. Forget about the issues and stress; just dig into your partner's arms, close your eyes, and land on a beautiful dream! 

7. Your partner's smell and voice are soothing.

Here's something else I want to tick off from the list of reasons—why do I get sleepy around my significant other? Your partner's sweet smell and soothing voice may indicate your brain to shut down and doze off. 

A 2016 study states that certain scents may have a calming effect on your body and brain, prompting feelings of relaxation. Whether it's their body odor, a sweet cologne they use daily, or the smell of their shampoo, pleasant fragrances may help you destress and feel drowsy. 

Similarly, you may feel relaxed when hearing your partner's soothing voice. It's not just their low-pitched voice that's comforting; you may also feel sleepy when they are humming or sweet talking to you. 

The slow and steady rhythm of your partner's words can be very tranquilizing and might make you want to turn off your system and take a nap! 

8. Comfy Clothing

You may also generate sleep in your eyes when your partner is wearing something sleep-inducing like yoga pants and woolen sweatshirts. The touch of comfortable clothing when cuddling with your partner can also contribute to the reason "why do I get sleepy around my partner?"

Not only couples, but this is also the case for all individuals. People naturally associate comfy clothing with leisure, sleep, and relaxation. So your partner's warm and soft attire can easily make you feel sleepy, 

There can be numerous reasons behind feeling sleepy around someone you love, and nothing is wrong with that. After all, euphoric love has the most calming effect on your mind and body. 

In fact, snuggling up with your sleep lover could just be what you need to fetch yourself some rest and recharge your batteries for the upcoming day! 

Benefits of sleeping next to someone you love

It is a human tendency to desire a king-sized bed just for your own comfort, but that usually comes along with cold chills and loneliness. 

Given that we are sleeping away one-third of our time, it is very well known that sleep is the most critical aspect of life! It is vital to our health, survival, and overall well-being. 

To live a healthy, productive, and joyous life, you need an adequate amount (minimum of 8 hours) of quality sleep in one day. But when you decide to share your bed (and sleep time) with your partner, you may soon realize you're getting sleep deprived. 

Your partner may snore like mountains are crashing or kick around the bed like they are Lionel Messi. Maybe they talk in their sleep (creepy) or unconsciously walk at random night hours. Perhaps they suffer from sleep disorders and have trouble getting proper rest at night. 

While one cannot deny the troubles that come with sleeping with someone you love, you also can't overlook the positives of sharing your bed. Sleeping next to someone can entirely change your life, improve your relationship, induce better sleeping patterns and help you get quality sleep. 

Here are some amazing benefits of sleeping next to someone you love: 

1. It has an excellent effect on your health.

Besides enjoying more intimate and romantic times, sleeping together is highly beneficial for your health. 

It helps you get sleepy quicker and stay asleep for a long time! 

So when you're feeling safe and comfortable, resting in your partner's arms, your body doesn't release any cortisol. This directly improves your sleep and helps in falling asleep faster. 

The same is true for sleeping with a pet! 

Having sex regularly makes you more resistant to cold, flu, and other daily-life infections. Your body releases higher levels of certain antibodies that defend you from viruses, germs, and other intruders. 

Sleeping next to someone you love is a fantastic choice, and it will prove so by improving your overall health! 

2. It promotes a better sleep schedule. 

When you're sleeping next to someone that has the same sleep schedule as you, it further improvises your sleep-wake cycle. 

The little time that you waste using your phone, scrolling through Tiktoks, or not feeling sleepy will transform into a healthy sleep schedule with your lover. 

Undergoing the same sleep schedule will help you maximize your active-awake time and allow you to sleep quickly at night. Having similar circadian rhythms (internal clocks) will bring closeness, understanding, and harmony to your relationship! 

3. It offers better sleep quality. 

Have you ever thought about—why do I sleep better with my boyfriend or girlfriend? 

Sleeping next to someone you love will drastically improve your sleep quality. Trust me; it is far better than going to bed alone after watching TV for hours or using your phone. 

When you keep watching television before bed, it reduces the melatonin levels in your body, making it hard to fall asleep. So after you're done with the TV, your mind keeps you awake by overthinking random thoughts and remembering old memories. 

On the other hand, you get dizzy really quickly when lying next to your partner. When you cuddle, make love, or simply talk before sleep, your body feels relaxed and cozy, and you fall asleep faster than usual. 

The secretion of serotonin and oxytocin improves the quality of your sleep; it also enhances how well and how long you sleep! 

girl waking up in a better mood

4. It allows you more restorative sleep.

When you're sharing your bed with your partner, you're not only sleeping together at night but also spending other parts of your day together in bed. 

Whether folding laundry, working on your laptop, meditating, or just reading, joining hands with your partner boosts the release of several feel-good hormones. The time you and your partner spend together while awake increases the chances of more restorative sleep: 

The best part about this is that good sleep increases the sexual desires in women (as much as 14%). With the increase in sex, you automatically begin sleeping more. 

These chemicals include—prolactin (which refines your immune system and quality of life), vasopressin (decreases cortisol), norepinephrine (regulates sleep and controls stress response), and of course, oxytocin and serotonin! 

Note that it's not only sex that does all the wonders. Something as delicate as holding hands or running your finger across your partner's body can trigger your body to release feel-good hormones! 

5. It reduces anxiety 

If you're an anxious person, we know it's tough to get a sound sleep. Moreover, anxiety and insecurities keep you awake, making you suffer with restless nights and endless thoughts. 

If you want to change this, you need to start sleeping with someone you love. Sleeping together is not only great for your mental health, but it also replaces anxiety with comfort. 

Touch therapy (skin-on-skin contact) signals your brain to stop releasing cortisol (stress hormone). The lower the cortisol, the lower you feel stressed, and the better you sleep!

6. It improves your relationship.  

"Come sleep with me. We won't make love; love will make us." — Julio Cortazar.

Couples who sleep together stay forever. The more nights you spend together, the happier your relationship will be. Sleeping next to the one you love enhances your bond and creates an enormous level of comfort and understanding between you two. 

You'll also be communicating more, which is the utmost important thing in any connection. Sleeping together will bring you two close, not only physically but also spiritually. 

7. It slows down aging. 

Who would believe that sleeping next to someone you love can actually make you feel younger and live longer? 

When you sleep together, the chances of frequent sex increase because you're in a more intimate atmosphere. The more you make love, the more it may help you live longer; there's a scientific reason behind this. 

A 2016 study revealed that having sex once or twice a week helped your body form longer telomeres. A telomere is a protective cap on your DNA that determines the lifespan of your cells. 

Scientifically, longer telomeres promote slower cellular aging and higher life expectancy. This is why engaging in sexual activities will enhance your physical health and also give you extra life years as a bonus! 

8. It makes you feel safe and secure.

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you feel safe and secure. You see how kids curl up next to their parents because they are scared of dark demons and nightmares? 

The same is true for adults; we all still have a child's heart! We might not pay attention to it, but sleeping alone comes with scary chills and loneliness, the two things that keep us awake. You may also have bad dreams when you're sleeping alone, affecting the quality of your sleep. 

Hugging your lover during sleep reduces the chances of nightmares and minimizes your waking up at night. You'll find yourself getting enough rest and waking up energetic when you're sleeping with your partner! 

FAQs—Why do you get sleepy around someone you love? 

Trusting someone enough that you let go of your boundaries and barriers is intimate. It's intimate to be comfortable enough with someone to allow them to gawk at your puffy cheeks, drooly mouth, dawning eye bags, and sleepy face. 

Couples would often be very cautious about their appearance in a new relationship. It may take months or years to reach that kind of intimacy. So, if you do fall asleep around someone you love, congratulations, you have unlocked a new milestone in your relationship. 

However, if sleeping is the only thing you and your partner accomplish whenever you are together, you might need to re-evaluate the relationship. 

Answer yourself honestly, 

Whatever answers you do conclude, you and your partner should be on the same page in the situation. So, communicate with them! Here are some more FAQs to help you evaluate why you get sleepy around someone you love and if it's alright or not. 

Does sleeping with someone create a bond?

Yes, it does, and on many levels. Sleeping with someone doesn't only create a physical bond but also allows you to develop mental, emotional, and intimate bonds with your partner. 

Have you ever experienced the bliss you receive when you hold your partner's hand for the first time after months of angst? While it may sound K-drama mainstream, it's true. 

Some physical gestures between couples are unexplainable yet so spiritually intimate. One such similar experience is sleeping together with someone you love. You connect bodily and bridge a heart-to-heart connection. 

Physically bond

"You touch my face; I sigh with relief. 

Spooning me, you whisper thousands of melodies into my ears. 

Our hearts beat together, and the rhythm we create sways me. 

We melt into each other… into each other's embrace. 

You pull me closer, and I skip a beat. 

Soothingly, I cave deeper into your alchemy. 

My eyes finally drop.

Finally, my heart finds its peace."

A physical bond in a relationship is just as necessary as maintaining an emotional bond. Sleeping together melts your bodies into one. It connects your heartbeats and synchronizes your breathing, creating a euphoric entanglement. 

Emotional bond

Physical connection amplifies emotional bonds. When you sleep with someone you love, your mind and heart relax. Your soul connects to them on a different level when subconsciousness takes over. 

gay couple sleeping together

When sleeping, our bodies go subconscious, and the mind remains far away from known reality— that's when your souls connect together. 

Sounds hypothetical, right? 

Why do I feel sleepy around my girlfriend?

As stated, a single factor cannot determine why you might feel sleepy around your girlfriend. First and foremost, your irregular sleep schedule inevitably contributes to why you may constantly feel sleepy, with or without your girlfriend. 

That irregular sleep cycle and insufficient rest may accelerate when you finally get to meet your girlfriend. Since she is your comfort place, sleep knocks at you faster than you may have witnessed anywhere else. 

Evaluate your feelings for your girlfriend— 

If it's your girlfriend and the relationship that's tiring you, you might need to communicate it with your partner. 

Does sleeping on top of someone mean anything?

Not everything needs a valid meaning to exist. Some things exist without purpose, and that's why they are beautiful. Sleeping on top of someone is one such comforting sleeping position for couples. 

A woman's chest brings warm and soft femininity, perfect for partners who are big cuddle babies. In fact, many partners choose a woman's chest over the most expensive pillows out there for obvious reasons. 

On the other hand, sleeping on top of your boyfriend's chest provides similar masculine comfort. It feels safe, warm, and loving.  

How to make someone fall asleep?

Understand your partner and what induces their sleep. While massaging the scalp and hugging them is one way to do it, there are multiple other ways to make your partner fall asleep. 

Circling your partner's stomach has a similar effect; it might as well be a little enhanced. Our food pipe can have excessive gas accumulation that may cause continuous discomfort (mild/extreme). 

Circling your partner's stomach automatically allows the gas to move south. It's not embarrassing, lmao. It's what it is! 

Ask them about their day and slowly unburden them from all the stress your partner’s been carrying around. Talking about it will help them relax and better aid your partner. Do this when you are in bed with your partner. Gently stroke their hair and continue to listen to them. 

Bottom Line

Why do you get sleepy around someone you love? I hope the points about cleared all your doubts, and now you exactly know why your eyes begin shutting around your partner! 

Sleeping with your partner is one of the best ways to improve your relationship. Tease each other, have meaningful conversations, talk endlessly, and love eternally while you’re sleeping together. 
If you want to further improve your relationship, join the Harness Community and use our coaching program to become the best version of yourself! You’ll better understand your deep roots, feelings, and future with our program!

It's the middle of the night,
a mere two hours before dawn...
and all I want to do is tell you
how much I love you.
Alas, I cannot...
for you asked me not to.

You gave my heart back to me,
even though I know you love me too...
such the chivalrous thing to do,
but you see, there's a problem;
my heart hasn't been beating right
since you returned it,
and there's this horrible pain in my chest
that causes my eyes to leak.
I can't sleep,
and it seems to have affected
the smile on my face.

Yes, I know we're still friends...
the best,
and I know you aren't leaving me
in that capacity...
but when I gave you my heart
for safe keeping,
I think you might have,
accidentally,
broken it.

All of a sudden,
my dreams are gone,
and my poems have no rhyme.

There's no magic
or fairy dust
in my world,
it's just....
Gone.

I missed you before
I knew you even existed,
and I miss you more now
that you're here.

I am not going to pretend
that I understand
why God allows
these things to happen,
but...
I'd still rather
have this ache in my chest
than the nothing
that was there before.

                                  Tall

 

How did I shrink? A five foot five golden skinned woman who could carry the world. How did I shrink? A loud mouthed lion, a Medusa to modern men, a fearless dancer. How did I shrink? How did I let you take my pride from me, my voice from me, my strength from me, my peace from me? I traded in my Amazonian armor for the black and broken tortoise shell, where you kept me. My shoulders bent and curved, my body left to wither, I slept but I never rested.

 

How did I shrink? I was silent, I was good, I was careful to never leave blood on the eggshells you laid out for me to walk on. How did I shrink? I waited days, months, years, for the darkness to turn into something lighter. I waited for it to creep out of you forever, but in turn it just crept into me and I became small.

 

How did I grow? I said no, I prayed, I cried. I lifted my head for the first time and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I trusted myself, and I let all the broken pieces break away, leaving only the vulnerable parts that would regrow. I shut out your voice, and turned up my own, I screamed. My vision came back, my hair came back, my skin and bones healed fresh. My shoulders straightened and I could one again hear my own footsteps on the ground. Resilient like a dandelion, I grew back into my former self. Deeply rooted in the past grow the flowers of the future, and they are tall.

 

 

Our culture is obsessed with romance. So much so, there are people who specialize in romantic relationships as a career. And of course, there are also a ton of those classic reality T.V shows all about it (I'm personally a sucker when it comes to the Bachelor and Love is Blind). Not to mention, a ton of studies have been conducted on it—one of them even concluded that 67.3% of the top 40 hits from the 1960s to the 2000s featured love as their main theme!

You see and hear talk about romantic relationships all the time. But what about friendships? They're just as important as romantic ones, but they are the least talked about. They're not talked about nearly enough, even though they should be. Which brings me to the topic of obligatory friendships.

This type of friendship here isn't really a term that gets thrown around very often (if at all), say in comparison to words like "toxic friendship," "acquaintance," and "best friend" when it comes to this topic. Even I had never heard of this term or what it meant up until recently when I was in the process of reevaluating the friendships in my own life. But once I learned what it was, I realized I was in one myself.

And I want to talk more about it here, because chances are, you might be in one and not even realize it.

So what exactly is an obligatory friendship?

It's a type of friendship where you feel like you have to be friends (hence the name obligatory) with a person, and you feel a lot of guilt if you stop being friends with them, so you keep up with the friendship, which can turn into a nasty and vicious cycle that is hard to break. The problem here with this type of friendship is it's just not genuine. It might feel like a harmless thing at first, but you are essentially leading the other person on by making them think you are truly invested in friendship when you aren't.

It can be hard to realize if you're in one or not, but it's important to recognize if you are in one. Otherwise, it's just a disservice to both yourself and the other person. And my advice for this? Is to take a step back and evaluate the friendships in your life with these 8 questions:

1. Why are you friends with this person? In other words, what is your reason for still being in this friendship?

It could be because this person challenges you in a good way, it could be that you really love how you could do x,y,z with them, or it could be that you like x,y,z  traits about them. Whatever these reasons are, you should be able to figure out at least a couple easily. If you're having a hard time figuring out why you are still friends with this person, it may indicate an obligatory friendship.

2. Do you feel like you have a lot in common?

You don't need to have every single thing in the world in common with this person, but you should at least have a couple of things in common. Having a shared group of common interests is an important foundation for any friendship, so if you don't really have much in common, it may be a sign you have grown apart—in which case the friendship is most likely obligatory if you're still spending time with this person despite your interests growing different.

3. Do you feel like you have to force things when you see this person?

Things should feel natural and easy with this person, and you should most definitely not feel like you are pretending to enjoy spending time with them.

4. How do you feel when you have plans with this person (excited or dreadful)?

You guessed it. If you find yourself feeling a sense of dread over plans you've made with this person, that is also a major red flag. Think about why you agreed to make plans in the first place. If your reasoning was because "you felt bad if you didn't," it might be the guilt talking—meaning it's a yes out of obligation.

5. Imagine if you weren't friends with this person anymore. How does it make you feel? 

If the thought of that brings you a sense of relief here, this may be a sign of an obligatory friendship. Keeping up with this type of friendship can be a pretty heavy thing to carry around on your shoulders when you're constantly pouring into a person that you may not have that connection with anymore.

6. How do you feel after spending time with this person?

Feeling drained is a thing that can happen often with an obligatory friendship. And the reason for that is pretty self-explanatory—if you're pushing yourself to spend time with that person, it's naturally going to take a lot more energy than it would in a non-obligatory friendship.

7. Take a closer look at the intentions behind your actions in the friendship (reaching out to them, making plans, giving gifts, etc..). What do they look like?

In other words, when it comes to doing the basic things a typical friend does (texting or calling to catch up, planning hangouts, giving presents, etc...) Are you doing this because you genuinely want to? Or because you feel the need to continue to be a good friend? Again, back to the name of this type of friendship—you shouldn't have to feel obligated to be a good friend, you should be able to be one without forcing it.

8. And most importantly, what is your gut intuition telling you about this person?

You don't get a strong gut feeling (good or bad) about things for no reason, and oftentimes, your gut intuition is a lot more accurate than you think it is. Of course, always make sure to put some thought into it in addition to your gut instinct, but do not ignore what your gut is telling you (especially if it's a bad one!).

What to Do if You Realize You Are in One 

First things first: You should never feel like you have to be friends with someone. You might be thinking that you should because you've known them for so long or for the sake of the other person, but that's most likely the guilt talking. Guilt can be a dangerous thing,  and it can push you to keep up with a friendship without the realization that the friendship has run its course.

If you feel like you're in one, it may be time to reevaluate the friendship. After all, think about it from the flip side. Would you want someone to feel obligated to be friends with you? If you're like most people, you'd probably say no. You deserve better and so does the other person.

My best piece of advice is to be honest and let go of the friendship. I know, it's a lot easier said than done, but if this person truly values you, they'll understand. Breaking up with a friend is a whole other topic, but I'll leave you with one more piece of advice: The worst thing you could do is stay in a friendship for the sole purpose of how long you've known them. History itself is not a good enough reason to continue a friendship.

These days, lesbian romance books are widely read. There are many brand-new books about lesbian romance, but for our selection, we chose some favorites. 

With the help of this list of books, you can learn more about what sapphic romance books have to offer and which ones you should start reading.

  1. The One Woman by Laura May

The One Woman, a new lesbian romance book by Laura May. Up until Ann turns up, Julie's life and her relationship with Mark are ordinary. Ann, a web developer, is charming and intelligent. The affection Julie has for Ann cannot be denied.

When their history and present collide, a genuine spark is ignited in Barcelona. When tragedy strikes, Julie will have to decide between Mark's loyalty and Ann's affection. Can true love endure when it is distant? In Laura May's book, you can learn the answer.

  1. Beautiful Dreamer by Melissa Brayde

Devyn Winters, a real estate broker in Philadelphia, is at the pinnacle of her profession and loving it. Her early years at Dreamer's Bay, when the twice-yearly bake sale was the most thrilling event, have largely been wiped from her memory. Sadly, a distress call brings her back to her house and away from the life she's built. When will she be able to leave once more is the question at hand. And when did the unattractive Elizabeth Draper become so lovely?

People, leisure time, and a good cup of coffee in the sun are three things Elizabeth Draper enjoys. She works for On the Spot, an odd jobs business, alone in the sleepy hamlet of Dreamer's Bay. In high school, she thought Devyn Winters was shallow; nevertheless, right now, everything about Devyn causes her to become distracted. Her heart didn't seem to understand that Devyn is just temporarily home, despite the fact that her head did.

  1. Read Between the Lines by Rachel Lacey

Rosie Taft's life is books. They have also been her home since she took over her mother's cherished Manhattan bookstore. What could be more romantic than falling in love with her favorite author, Brie, who she has developed a flirtatious online friendship with?

Jane Breslin makes a concerted effort to keep her personal and professional lives apart. She is employed at the family real estate development company throughout the day. She writes under the alias Brie at night to express her steamier side. Jane hasn't had much luck finding love on her own, but she starts to wonder whether she might be the one after making an internet connection with a devoted reader.

The romance takes a back seat when Rosie finds out that the lease on her bookstore has been terminated by the company owned by Jane's family. There is no doubting the sparks that fly whenever they are together, despite the fact that they are at odds. Will Jane be able to write her way to a happy ending when their online identities are uncovered, or is Rosie's heart a closed book?

  1. Those Who Wait by Haley Cass

Sutton Spencer's goals in life were very straightforward: complete graduate school and find love. If she could decide precisely what she should do after graduating in less than a year, life would be much simpler. Oh, and it would be wonderful if she could learn how to converse with a woman without coming across as a complete disaster. 

The complete opposite is Charlotte Thompson. She has never had the time or desire for romance and has always had defined milestones detailing her road to achievement. She values her budding political career greatly and is unwilling to give it up for something as trivial as love. Swift, easygoing, and discrete were all ideal. It's instantly obvious that they aren't compatible for anything more than friendship when they first meet through a dating app. Right?

  1. Change Of Heart by Clare Lydon

For her parents' anniversary party, Erin Stewart hires a false date, but she ends up getting more than she anticipated. She first lands Steph Mitchell, a professional actor who is moreover stunning. Second, she encounters a solid barrier of conflict in the family. Just five days remain. Take a deep breath. Furthermore, she can certainly overcome it with Steph's assistance, right?

But Erin didn't anticipate that her fictitious romance with the attractive Steph would seem so intensely authentic. She also doesn't foresee their explosive attraction going out of hand and having disastrous results for everyone. Is Steph destined to be Erin's downfall or vice versa?

  1. Payback's a Witch by Lana Harper

Emmy Harlow is a witch, but she isn't a very strong one—in part because she hasn't visited the magical hamlet of Thistle Grove in years. Her self-imposed exile has a lot to do with her tangled family background and desire to make her own place in the world, and only the slightest bit to do with Gareth Blackmoore, who is the heir to the most potent magical family in the area and a habitual heartbreaker and dream-destroyer.

The tug of tradition (or the genuinely spectacular parental guilt trip that goes along with it) is apparently powerful enough to lure Emmy back when a spellcasting competition for which her family participates as arbiters approaches. She has made it her mission to fulfill her family's expectations, spend quality time with her best friend Linden Thorn, and return to her normal life in Chicago.

Emmy meets Talia Avramov, a fierce expert in the darker magical arts, on her first night back. Talia is just getting over a breakup with Gareth Blackmoore. When Talia gave in to charm, she found that Linden and Gareth were seeing each other secretly. She now seeks retaliation, as does Linden. Is Emmy in? It's the only remaining question.

However, what worries her the most is why she keeps picturing the terrifyingly smart, stunningly beautiful, and seductively alluring Talia Avramov.

  1. Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield

It has altered Leah. She was a marine biologist who had earlier left for an usual excursion; but, this time, her submarine became aground. Her wife Miri recognizes that something is not right when she eventually emerges and arrives home. Leah wanders between their apartment's rooms, barely eating and preoccupied with her thoughts while turning on the faucets day and night. Leah had brought a piece of whatever occurred on that ship—or whatever it was they were supposed to be learning before they became stranded—with her to their home on dry land. The thought that the woman she loves is eluding her grasp must be faced as Miri looks for explanations in her desperation to learn what transpired below the surface of the ocean.

What are your favorite lesbian romance novels?

I do remember golden stars
Sparking through night the zest’s deep ways
Enriching our eyes contact
With magic iridescent rays.
On cosy lake, the swans’ sweet dance
Evoking music of the grace
Was drawing up love’s country map.

I do remember colours hues
Playing Octobers’ games of fall
Through crispy mornings’ misty views
Waltzing their leaves on freedom’s call.
On my heart’s lake, waves from your smiles
Twisting to warmth the frosty miles
Were sketching up love’s country map.