Dating to get over someone may seem like a working idea, though it isn’t as practical as one might think. Getting in a relationship with someone new before giving closure to your intense feelings can backfire like a fiery explosion!  

couple together

Breakups are extremely challenging, and there are many things you need to process once you are single again. You need to sort through your emotions—anger, pain, regret, bitterness, and even happiness—before dedicating your time to a new lover!  

Yet, people usually make the mistake of dating again to distract themselves from grief and avoid the reality of situations. Hiding in a new partner doesn’t take their pain away or save them from it; instead, it just suppresses the hurt that is bound to come back out sooner or later. 

So if you are thinking of dating to get over someone, there are some important things you must know. 

In this article, we’ll talk about dating after a breakup, is dating to get over someone okay, how to get over someone, and also answer some frequently asked questions! 

Dating to Get Over Someone 

“The love wasn’t ever-lasting, and the pain won’t be either”. 

Do not jump into a relationship just because you broke up recently and feel lonely. There’s a high chance you may still have strong feelings for that person, and dating to get over them won’t work as you think it would. 

Even if you feel that the relationship or your feelings are long gone, you must realize that a long time has passed, too. 

What you felt about relationships or the kind of partner you desired before wouldn’t necessarily stay the same way. And you’ll only learn what your heart wants now when you give it enough time! 

Without further ado, let’s begin learning your heart—

Is dating to get over someone okay?

Before indulging in a new relationship, you must question yourself—am I ready to face the pros and cons of dating someone new throughout my healing period? Do not just think of the goods of dating, but also remember the downs when considering being in a new relationship! 

There can be a few scenarios when you’re dating to get over someone:

Looking at the sneaky side of the table, dating someone just for the sake of personal healing is unfair. Going out with an emotionally proactive person who is likely to get attached is also unjust.  

Furthermore, oppressive emotions develop when you’re dating someone without telling them the actual reason. It is your commitment as their sole partner to do justice with their effortful love. 

If you’re not ready to offer yourself as much as the other person, refrain from getting into an early relationship.  

Getting in a mature relationship where your partner knows about your position may work. They may willingly help you comprehend your feelings and navigate through the post-breakup time! 

couple having an argument

Having someone to boost you in a casual relationship after knowing all the trauma you have gone through is comforting. Transparency and honesty are the base to kick start any relationship, and acknowledging your true feelings is the primary way to get over someone! 

However, this may not be the best idea because while your partner is helping you, their natural instinct will start longing for love in return. After all, it is only fair to expect a little from someone whom you’re providing a lot. 

You are allowed to let go of all those that do not set you free anymore.” — Dhiman.

How to get over someone?

Getting over someone is harsh, but nothing can hinder your way to a vigorous life if you decide to move on. Here are some steps to get over someone that will assist you like a companion in your post-breakup journey: 

1. Mourning is the primary phase of the process. 

You are allowed to take your time to mourn and feel your sufferings. Don’t limit yourself to any specific timeline; the time for healing varies from person to person. Coping with the loss of a loved one can be tough. 

You must let your deep feelings leave the way your soul naturally allows them. Always remember not to suppress your emotions for the sake of someone’s validation. If you’re hurt and need space, get it for yourself!  

Set boundaries if necessary, and spend your time being good to yourself. Take care of yourself and fill your precious heart with self-love. 

2. Don’t hold onto someone who’s leaving.

“Don’t hold on to someone who’s leaving; otherwise, you won’t meet the one who’s coming.” — Carl Gustav Jung.

Holding onto someone who’s no longer interested in staying can cause mental complications which are hard to digest. You must learn to choose what’s better for you even if your heart pushes silly decisions. 

Trust me; the heart is carelessly beautiful and deserves someone who keeps it safe and secure. So let them leave if that’s what they want because what’s coming ahead will be beyond your expectations!

3. Stop romanticizing your ex. 

It’s common to get wrapped up in past romantic memories after a breakup. The overwhelming part of getting over a relationship is always not the loss of the actual person but the loss of what you believe could have happened. 

“Don’t get stuck in the obsessive loop of why and what if.” — Wise words by Ruotola Warn

The only way to stop romanticizing your ex is by remembering them as who they were. Remember all the times they—

All these actions are very unhealthy and can leave a person with trauma that lasts for a long time. If your ex has entirely ruined the image of love you had, remove them from your life! 

4. Hold on to yourself. 

It’s difficult to carry yourself when you have been broken by someone you gave your heart to. You switch to an anxious and depressed mode of life, where even going through a normal day becomes challenging. 

guy contemplating

However, let me assure you these sloppy days are temporary, and there will be a lovely ray of sunshine again. This reminds me of a speech by Tom Hanks

“You feel bad right now? You feel pissed, you feel anxious? This, too, shall pass. 

You feel great? You feel like you know all the answers? You feel like everybody finally gets you? This, too, shall pass. 

Time is your ally; if nothing else, just wait.” 

It’s essential to know that even if you are not at your best right now, it is okay. It is okay to be sad and down and to allow yourself to feel the pain because this, too, shall pass! 

You just need to be sensible, learn your lesson, and hold your shattered pieces to walk again. 

5. Set up your days more productively.

Your soul knows the right way; run in that direction. Make time to meditate for 5 minutes daily, and listen to your inner voices. Hear what they are trying to teach you, and walk on the path laid by your instincts! 

Work on grooming yourself and open your heart to evolve and accept new things. Some productive things to do after a breakup for healing: 

When your personal life has you feeling low, try to project your energy outwards. Find ways to help others, whether treating an injured neighborhood dog or feeding a homeless person. 

This way, you’ll meet new hearts, learn more about your lovely personality, and enhance your karma. 

If you have been holding on to stressful, negative, or angry emotions after a breakup, exercising can help channel the negativity into productivity. You can use your pain and hurt to focus on becoming healthier and better as a person! 

Soon, you won’t remember the hurt because even pain is temporary. 

A change in everyday scenery can massively help get over someone. Instead of walking around a city where everything reminds you of your ex, try traveling to explore yourself and more. 

When you feel buried down with anxious or negative feelings, write your emotions down in a journal rather than sitting quietly in your sorrow. 

The most comfortable person to share your deep feelings with is yourself. By writing your thoughts on a paper, you’ll gain some clarity on present circumstances and easily churn out solutions. 

When you break up with your ex, you say goodbye to a significant part of your everyday life. Resorting back to the normal old days can be a tough experience and might make you feel all alone. 

At such a time, surround yourself with close ones you can lean on for support. By spending time with your family and friends, you’ll realize that a romantic partner isn’t the only person who can love and care for you! 

I understand that you may have had great plans for your relationship. But did they exist before you got into a relationship? 

Remind yourself of the creative and dreamy things you always wanted to do. Rediscover your true purpose in life, and chase after it! 

6. Be more certain about yourself.

Be confident when making decisions and comfortable with your choices after a breakup. Sometimes, the trauma we have dealt with impacts our inner instincts and makes us question our self-worth. 

Keep these key points in mind for being more mindful: 

7. Take healthy social breaks. 

Social media impacts your mental health more than you know, especially when you are already dealing with losing a loved one. Scientific studies have shown those who took a social break exhibited rehabilitation in their level of anxiety and distress. 

Try to take a break from social media and get a better picture of reality. This way, you can better analyze your own situation and focus on yourself instead of feeling lonely looking at other couples. 

You may also want to keep stalking your ex after a breakup, which is entirely unhealthy and may keep you stuck in a loop. If it’s difficult to ignore your ex’s social media handle, just take time off. 

girl checking her phone while she is exercising

8. Chop off communication if it’s hampering you.

Don’t try to be friends with your ex if you are not ready. Take back your time, attention, energy, and emotions from anyone who treats your heart carelessly! 

It is normal for the breakup to affect both people differently. Your ex may be all chill and ready to be friends with you. But if it’s something you can’t handle without hurting yourself, stay out of it. 

The best way to move on from your ex is to avoid contact with them. No contact with your ex means no messaging, no calls, and no conversations on socials as well. In total, you should avoid them entirely. 

9. Always remember you deserve better. 

“You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You deserve to be cherished and not taken for granted. You deserve to be chosen and not settled for.” — Mandy Hale. 

Self-belief is the key to facing all hindrances and growing and moving on in life. Self-attention is the initial effort of internal unfolding. Give yourself all the time to groom and chase a healthy, happy life. 

Importance of Emotional Healing

A crisis is an inevitable state of life that works as an initial point to the process of change. As you may have heard the famous quote, “Change is necessary,” no life is free from crisis. Change is crucial in all aspects of life, whether it is your hobbies, interests, events, or relationships. 

Getting dumped by someone you love can take a toll on your mental health. You may start living your life as if it has already ended and continue to reside in your painful sorrows. 

However, changing your mindset about the breakup and allowing new things to walk in your life is the only way to move on! 

5 Stages of Emotional Healing

The emotional healing process doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a lethargic procedure. If you are facing inner conflicts after getting dumped, you need to take a step towards emotional healing. 

A person goes through five major stages when practicing emotional healing. It is imperative to feel every stage thoroughly and then move forward to the next one. 

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” — Pema Chodron.

Here are five stages of emotional healing after a breakup: 

Stage 1. Grief and Denial 

Grief is a stage of rigorous emotional pain that surrounds you after a breakup. When grieving, you feel a sense of loss no matter how toxic your relationship might have been. However, you will probably deny the loss of your loved one before accepting your grief. 

You might think, “This can’t happen to me,” or “This is not true.” 

We are here to tell you that being in denial is normal; in fact, it’s a human defense mechanism against painful experiences that are hard to accept. Slowly but surely, you will get out of denial and accept reality. 

Pro-tip for this stage—Do not run away from your emotions. Until and unless you accept the truth, you’d keep saying, “I’m having a hard time getting over someone. 

You must acknowledge that you’re hurting and feel your sorrows if you want to get over somebody. 

girl putting her head down

Stage 2. Anger

What comes after accepting the true reality of your situation? Anger and rage. 

Just like denial is a defense mechanism, anger is a masking effect when you’re trying to get over someone. You show anger to avoid revealing the painful thoughts and emotions your heart is carrying inside. 

You may start feeling angry for what you put up with and think, “Why me?” Your anger may get directed at other people like your family & friends, and even inanimate objects. 

The art of getting over someone is to assist your angry thoughts and take control over them. As soon as the anger stage is over, you’ll start gaining some clarity over your situation and understand the feelings you put aside! 

Stage 3. Bargaining

After being angry at the current reality, an individual may believe that if they act a certain way or ‘bargain,’ everything might reverse back again

In this emotional healing stage, you will create many “what if” and “only if” statements. You’ll look for ways to regain control over the situation or change the outcome of an event. 

Nonetheless, bargaining will only postpone your sadness, hurt, and confusion. The best way to heal yourself is by accepting what is right in front of you! 

Stage 4. Depression 

While grief, anger, and bargaining are very active emotions, depression is more of a silent stage. 

Before, you were denying and running from your emotions, trying to change reality. However, depression is the stage where you begin realizing your true emotions and start working through them. 

Isolating oneself when going through depression is a common practice, and it actually helps to get over somebody. Going through this stage is not easy and may have you feeling empty, alone, foggy, heavy, and confused. 

If you need support at such a time, reach out to a mental health expert. A therapist can better help you navigate through this period of darkness. 

Stage 5. Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a bliss stage, but it’s a time when you’re finally moved on from your grief and understand what remains in your life. 

In this stage, you again look up at the pretty sky and start feeling faithful. You might not be all ready-set-go for your life ahead, but you may be able to feel how everything has changed. 

You have started looking differently at various aspects of life. Old habits have been broken, your mindset is improved, and your soul needs a reset. Above all, you will feel the need to heal yourself and get back up again!

Pro-tip for this stage—Never compare your situation to somebody else’s; everybody grieves differently. Observe your own emotional health and needs, and set realistic goals accordingly. 

10+ Signs you are healing from the breakup

“The pain itself signifies that your body is accepting this new ordeal. Acceptance? Baby, that’s the start.”

I know, it’s unbearable— the agony of losing someone you cherished. The anxiety eats you day and night, leaving you with doubts that have no answers. 

girl being happy

It’s anxious to handle yourself when your mind finally decides to move on even though your heart resists. To push yourself through that emotional trauma is brave. You are brave, that’s for sure. Hold onto that thought and commence your healing journey. 

I know it’s confusing when you have no idea whether you are moving forward or backward in this healing journey. 

Here are 10 signs that reflect that you are healing and rolling ahead in life. 

1. You have accepted the reality— Overcoming denial.

Deep down, you know that the relationship is over. Of course, you’d still face denial every now and then, but your heart, mind, and soul finally know that it’s already over and nothing can be done to undo it. So, the only means to get rid of this pain is to move on with life. 

Your focus has shifted from “why is this happening to me” to “how to get rid of this numbing pain.” You accept the ill-fate; you accept the pain. You accept the reality of these miserable chapters of life. 

“This heartbreak may be a good turnover in disguise.” So, accept it boastfully even if it breaks you.

As long as you remain in denial, you resist the beauty of change. So, answer yourself honestly— do you truly believe the relationship is over? 

If your answer is yes, congratulations! You are healing. 

2. Shifting attention

Most of your days are spent in misery, but your mind is already shifting its attention from “I cannot bear this pain” to “I have to get rid of it.” 

“It’s heartbreaking, but I do have to continue with life.” 

“I cannot continue to live like this.”

“I cannot disappoint others and myself with this.” 

Hold onto whatever ounce of positivity you receive from the universe— your healing can come through a pet, a family member, a celebrity, or passion/career/job, etc. So, hold onto it, don’t let it go! 

“When it becomes unbearable to move on will, discipline will set your feet free.” 

3. You cry your heart out. 

I have never experienced something more blissful than crying. So, I cry whenever life’s harsh! 

Crying will eventually empty your mourning heart. Every time you cry, you’d find a new route for your healing journey. Crying clears the fog of pain; that’s when your heart can fathom the situation more intelligently. 

So, if you are crying, you are healing! You are nurturing your broken heart by watering it with empathy. 

4. You finally see the truth of your relationship

Once the pain subsides a little, you will inevitably replay those past memories over and over again until they consume you. There were rainbows and unicorns, but rewinding those memories will also help you acknowledge your past relationship’s thorns and cold nights. 

guy having his eyes closed reflecting

It was beautiful until it was new. However, that relationship did become suffocating, nearing the end. No beauty, compassion, or passion remained— you were alone and knew it deep down. So, stop romanticizing your ex unnecessarily. 

So, acknowledge your past relationship for what it was without sugar coating.

Well, if any of these statements are true, you should know better that the relationship and your ex didn’t deserve you. Let it go! 

If you have already come to that conclusion, you should know that you deserve much more. You deserve a relationship full of love, compassion, respect, equal effort, and reciprocation. Once you have realized this, you will be able to love yourself again. This realization alone will help you accept the love again that deserves you. 

5. You know it wasn’t your fault.

“Nothing can save a ship that was destined to sink.” So, stop blaming yourself. 

You now accept that nothing could have saved the relationship— and it was not your fault. “It’s not you; it’s them.”

Your ex-partner lost someone who loved them immensely. You lost someone who never cared enough.” So, who actually lost? Not you, them! 

You start realizing that your ex was not eligible for your closure. When you manage to be at peace with the fact that your ex simply wasn’t worth it— you will evolve. 

If you have already realized that and know your worth— you are healing. 

6. You badmouth them

No, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just human to get your closure however you can. You now realize that your partner was an asshole— now that’s what I call a bad-ass healing journey.

So, badmouth them as much as you can. It shows that you keep your worth above them.

7. Your partner or the breakup doesn’t affect you as strongly as it used to

When your memories do not trigger you anymore, it signifies emotional healing. 

If your ex doesn’t drain your energy and you have learned to make things less complicated for yourself, you have come a long way. 

Your breakup still pains you, but it’s not as intense as it used to be. 

guy holding flowers next to a mirror

Look for these patterns and hold onto them. Your mind and body are now ready for a new change— and they are ready to help you heal. 

8. Appreciating solitude

You spend more time with yourself and understand the value of loving and nurturing your own self before expecting it from others. 

You enjoy your own company and don’t expect others to make you happy. Instead, you take the initiative to entertain yourself and love yourself unconditionally. 

That’s when you find bliss in solitude. You do things that make you happy— whether it’s hanging out with friends, spending time with family, or being with your most authentic self. 

Solitude doesn’t eat you alive anymore because you now know your own importance. You actually enjoy spending time with yourself because the truth is— you are awesome!

Your ex never was a match— you are way more entertaining, humorous, intelligent, stimulating, and sexy. 

So, why spend time with a dumb hole when you can spend that time with yourself? 

9. Finding happiness in your rusty hobbies. 

You left a whole lot of yourself to adjust in that relationship— you may have let go of many hobbies to allow more time with your (now) ex-partner. 

Things we do for relationships also include forgetting the things we used to love alone. After a breakup, It’s natural to lose interest in things you used to love the most. 

One of the most considerable signs that you are bouncing back in life is showing genuine interest in your hobbies— hobbies that make you feel alive, creative, and energetic. 

Hobbies that will accompany you during your healing journey:

The options are absolutely infinite— So invest time in activities that boost adrenaline and fill your heart with excitement. 

10. Focusing more on the betterment.

Let the past be in the past. 

One of the most promising ways to rebuild yourself is to concentrate on enhancing yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

If you are already restructuring your schedule for the betterment, you are healing.

girl holding herself for some self care

11. Greeting persistent changes.

“The changes we dread most may contain our salvation.” —Barbara

Welcoming persistent changes is a sign of growth. If you have steadily begun to accept small changes, you are moving forward! It’s a powerful sign that you are brave enough to change direction when you no longer love the destination.  

12. Allowing yourself to love and to be loved after breakup

One breakup doesn’t estimate the amount of romance and love you deserve— In fact, multiple breakups cannot conclude it. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love throughout the course of your lifetime. 

However, accept your own love before you accept others’ love for you. I’m pretty sure people are dying to date you, but you must love yourself first to love others boastfully. 

Self-love doesn’t always have to be prominent; it comes gradually and in small surprises. 

If you think you are gradually taking care of yourself, you are healing! 

13. Being wise in your choices.

You don’t chase love from others anymore! However, you accept and reciprocate love boastfully. You are keener towards finding an individual who better suits you and would love you unconditionally. You don’t reject love and are not scared of trying new relationships.

Bottom Line 

Dating to get over someone is not only an unrealistic approach, but you’re also risking another failed relationship. You will end up falling deeper in the pit that you should have filled with self love before getting in a new relationship! 

If you’re thinking of dating to get over someone, consider your position first. It’s almost alright if you merely have any feelings left for your ex. Perhaps if your heart still beats strongly for that person, DO NOT get into an early relationship. 

You should use your time on healing after a breakup rather than dating to get over someone. We hope our tips helped you figure out how to navigate through such an intense phase of life!

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In the dictionary, the term boundaries means “A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.” The term deal breaker means “An aspect, condition, or item that would not be accepted by a party to a business transaction or political deal.” When it comes to relationships, whether platonic or romantic boundaries and deal breakers are very important to have.

You know your worth, you know what you want, and you will not except anything less. There have been plenty of occasions where I made exceptions hoping that things would change. However, that left me in a position of heartache and headache. I would make excuses for them and say that this will pass and or change in due time. This habit became so unhealthy for me that I knew I needed a change. Reading the book Attached, I’ve learned that each person has a specific attachment style. These are anxious, avoidant, and the secure attachment style. These styles come from the each person’s foundation which means childhood. I discovered that my attachment style (anxious), caused me to be attracted to the avoidance attachment style people.

That style made me feel like I had to work hard or prove myself that I was worth wanting and loving. This drove me to do things at the cost of my own character simply because I wanted to be loved. After many therapy sessions and a lot of prayer, I understand my own personal boundaries as well as my deal breakers. I can speak up for myself and say exactly what I want, don’t want, and not be afraid of the response. Everybody is not meant for everybody. However, somebody is meant for that one special…..well body 😊.

Moral of this story is never be afraid to find your voice, your attachment style, and your boundaries.

Here’s to learning and growing each day!

Sexual and self-shame come up for a multitude of reasons and from a multitude of different sources. Shame, to me, is a silent killer because it can play out in so many aspects of our lives when we have lived experiences with misogyny.

My clients often struggle for years with feeling wrong in their bodies, in their desires, in their thoughts and feelings and it’s not just sexual. I’ve watched them feel limited in what they can and do experience in life, love, sex, money, career, and self because there’s this voice in their heads telling them they’re undeserving, broken, bad, unworthy, and not good enough.

I feel the weight of the pain they carry and want to wave a wand and make it all better but that’s not how this works, we can’t just wave wands. Quick fixes and lasting change don’t go together. Consistent work, lots of loving support, and a deep desire for something better do work though.

So why do we experience these beliefs of being broken, damaged, or wrong if it’s not true? More importantly, how do we come through that?

When it comes to sex and our bodies most of us lack comprehensive sex education. Christian doctrine has influenced how sex ed is taught in schools, homes, and society for a long time. It’s even influenced our medical system. Sexual pleasure of AFAB people has been seen as dangerous for centuries and pleasure outside of heteronormative ideas is rarely discussed. In fact, we took the clitoris out of the 25th edition of Gray’s Anatomy and it wasn’t until 2005 when Dr. Helen O’Connell fully mapped it. In the 1400s a test of witchcraft was to stimulate an accused witch’s clitoris and if it became engorged that meant she was a witch. Now ask yourself why you may have struggled with orgasm or exploring your body because that message got built upon and twisted to see the clitoris and vulva as something bad, dark, and evil.

That message gets carried to every bit of our bodies and add in all the other intersections at play plus how incredibly profitable it is to teach us there’s something wrong with us of course we struggle with body image too.

Now let’s look at our emotional expressions, in particular feeling bad or wrong if we experience anger, dissatisfaction, rage, or sadness. Many of us try to hide those feelings or excuse away others’ behavior to avoid actually processing any “unpleasant” feelings because they’ve been discouraged for so long. Where does this all come from? Well, pretty much the same places as the misinformation about our bodies. Ever hear of female hysteria? It’s been around way before the Victorian era when they created the first vibrator to help ease it. In fact, the idea of female hysteria goes back to ancient Egypt and Greece! They believed any “erratic” behavior was because the uterus was wandering through the body and that menstrual cycles were creating sickness within so the cures were placing dried flowers and things within the labia or pregnancy as they believed marriage and birth would cure it all.

Now take that and twist it up through generational lines and it’s really easy to see why we’ve learned to stuff down our anger and other emotions, and see generations of dissatisfied, resentful, and angry women within our family lines come from. The entire love and light toxic positivity movement comes from this shit! We’ve been taught to think we’re bad and wrong for what we feel, and experience and we fear becoming like women in our family lines who have always been critical, cruel, dissatisfied, acceptant of poor treatment, and the answer to not being them is to process the feelings and let go of the weight.

So, we know what’s gotten us here, how do we change it?

First, take some time to sit with all that because it’s a lot and I haven’t even given you the full history. Take a moment to journal on what knowing a bit of this history brings up for you in relation to your own experiences.

Next, some deeper IFS (internal-family systems) and timeline work can help shed so much of this. I do healing sessions with clients as part of all my containers because the release is so needed and so powerful. If you’re not sure what this looks like let me explain a bit and while you can do some on your own, please look at what your personal limits are. It’s a lot to hold this energy. For IFS, we have 3 main goals:

1. Identify what sub-personalities or familial parts are living within causing pain or blocks and we’re freeing them from holding such a powerful role in parts of your life. So, if throughout your family lines there’s been a theme of anger/resentment or taught sexual shame and that’s impacting aspects of your life we help that part release the hold.

2. Restore self-trust and step into radical self-love and empowerment. With those subparts freed we can now put you in charge of yourself so you can figure out what’s true for you based on what you desire.

3. Integrate the whole team! Those subparts exist so the third goal is to give them a new, empowered role that you choose with you driving the bus. This is the most powerful part to me because we’re learning to see all parts of us as valid and that leads to us recognizing we are whole, worthy, and deserving and that’s just beautiful to me.

What else can you do? Well, I have a ton of practices I do with clients but the one that I love for a multitude of blocks and wounds is mirror work! Mirror work allows you to see yourself more clearly by doing practices like telling yourself what you’re proud of yourself for, what you forgive yourself for, and what you desire for yourself. Seeing yourself saying the words can be jarring at first but also immensely helpful. You can also use the mirror to tell yourself what you like and love about yourself, observe your body and reframe the beliefs you’ve developed about certain body parts. You can get to know your body more intimately which is highly important in releasing any shame around it, especially your genitals. Seriously, I love this work and there’s so much more to do so experiment, seek support, and remember…. you and your body are not broken!

Broken: How Bullying Breaks You

By:Vania Vela

I was a kid the first time I was bullied. 

I remember those years when I used to hide crying in the bathroom.

I grew up as if I was invisible. At school, people pretended I didn’t exist. When I spoke, they ignored me. When I got close, they ran away. On social media, I was bullied. People made fun of me on social media, and rude comments filled my head.

People often talk about the impact of physical or verbal aggression, but the truth is that no one prepares you for psychological and social abuse. For a long time I thought it was normal. I thought I was overreacting. There are times when I think that again.  

Not only did I develop an eating disorder that lasted 5 years, but my will to live disappeared. I cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up the next day I cried even more, disappointed that I was still alive. I would panic about going to school and seeing my classmates. I would hide in the bathrooms and cry, begging to die.

When I finally raised my voice, no one believed me. They blamed me and made them the victims. They blamed my personality, my physique. If I wanted to be accepted so badly, I had to be the way they wanted me to be. When I finally raised my voice, everything got worse. 

As my psychologist said, I developed a lot of problems.  There are days when seeing a phone pointed at me gives me a panic attack. Every time I am ignored as punishment I have a terrible anxiety episode. Nowadays a lot of things happen that I just can’t help but feel.

I cry remembering those years.  I look at myself in the mirror and I feel I overreacted. I feel they were right. I look at myself, and deep down I blame myself, even though I was the victim. 

Bullying breaks you, destroying not only the child, but the adult they will become.If you are going through something similar, I know there is still a long way to go, but for now I want to tell you, I do believe you.

i am shivering on this greyhound, my fingers finding homes on the grimy seats under my thighs to try to keep warm. minnesota is cold everywhere: in houses, in cars, in restaurants, on public transit. it occurs to me that i have not felt cold, truly cold, in two years. an elderly woman sits next to me, the sacred generational bond of women who sit next to one another. she has a tattoo of a black and white spotted cow on her arm. a baby is screaming on the bus, and she looks at me and dips her head, acknowledging, “unhappy.” i wonder what she would think if she knew i am gay. i don’t think she’d say it aloud, but i wonder if the word dyke would cross her mind. i wonder if she’d get up and move seats, my physical being a mold spore. strangers do not read me as gay, they just think i look like someone who lives in los angeles, even in los angeles. people ask me about my boyfriend all the time — at doctors offices, at work, in small talk before the plane takes off and in elevators. what follows is the momentary consideration of wondering whether i should out myself and risk compromising the interaction, or if i should pretend and say yes, i have a boyfriend. he is strong and loves me well. i don’t want people to feel tricked, with my dressing as what they’d think is a straight girl. on the flip side, i don’t want to have to make them feel better about their assumption that i am straight, and i don’t want to listen to their apologies, or hear about their gay friend or cousin. it is, also, exhausting hiding in plain sight. the entirety of me is not ever seen.

in july, i was asked if i think that butch-femme relationships just recycle heteronormative structures. my response was immediate: i do not think that in any way, queer people can be cishet in the way we move in the world. my femme body is just as queer as anyone else’s, and it never has been that of a cishet woman’s. i never thought i was straight, even for one moment, but even if i had, i would’ve been a queer femme even then. i have never loved a man, even when i thought i did, and the way i love butches is nothing like the way i’d imagine i might love a man. i love the expansiveness of butch bodies and the way they do not ever have to be one thing. i love watching butches do their thing and doing whatever i can to support them. i love defining butch as whatever they want to be defined as, and nothing else — not strong or steady or anything else if they don’t want to be. i love fat butches, butches of color, butches who do not build things and butches who love other butches. i love the legacy of butch-femme relationships, and i long to be a part of it. butches are not men (unless they want to be) and nothing about them replicates men, and i have never been femme because of my proximity or juxtaposition to butch lovers or friends. to say that straight women are feminine and therefore queer femmes want to be straight women, and straight men are masculine and therefore queer butches want to be straight men, is bananas to me. nothing coule be further from the truth. (and that’s without going into the whole bioessentialist women = feminine and men = masculine thing.)

i stopped shaving my body and wearing a bra sophomore year of college, but i still invest in acrylic nails and eyelash extensions and expensive skincare. if i did shave or wear a bra, as i do very occasionally, i am just as queer as i was when i did not, and if i never painted my nails, wore makeup, or washed my face, i’d be just as femme. i sprinkled glitter in my hair for a year in college, because i could. i love pink silks and vegan meats and heat styling and malls. i have also climbed barefoot onto the cliffs above the mississippi and built a secret fire with gas station wood. i’ve seen the milky way more times than i can count. i love sitting shotgun in someone’s truck and i love going home smelling like cigarette smoke, full of food from a neighborhood potluck. i don’t mind being sweaty and dirty and i went three months last year without washing my hair, my homemade deodorant the only clean thing i put on the secret parts of my body. i’m a dirty high femme and i would not have it any other way. 

i know with what to adorn the walls of a lake cabin, i know how to spell lefse and lutefisk, and i know that the bathrooms at kwik trip will not require a passcode. i have had sex in a car in a parking lot of one of those wisconsin sex toy stores that are open until three in the morning with cheez-its from a gas station the only thing to eat after. i know the rules of fishing in the early morning, and then i want to go to target in the afternoon. i fit in, but i don’t. i grew up in a town that did not have a high school. it is why, when everything feels too overwhelming now, i drive to san bernardino. i love that an antique mall and cheap black coffee know how to heal in ways the city just doesn’t.

today, as sylvia and i walked along the eastern edge of the mississippi, a man in a fishing boat waved at us from the middle of the river. at a rest stop yesterday, an elderly couple smiled at me as i walked past them on the sidewalk. it is the language of the midwest (and probably lots of other places): we acknowledge one another, even if we do not understand each other. our lives are so different, and in the same token, they are so alike. this is the good part about hiding in plain sight, too: i don’t have to wonder what they think of gay people all the time. i can just smile at them, and i don’t have to wonder. 

i have so much shared blood with midwesterners, midwestern queers especially. and even more so, poor midwestern queers. we have these unspoken glances, smiles, stares. we grew up eating corn and wheat, drinking cow’s milk, thrifted things feeling good enough. we could not afford new back-to-school clothes or the decorative girl folders, and free school lunch wasn’t bad. 

growing up poor and queer felt public. even if they didn’t, everyone must have known the ways we counted pennies and called grandma for help with the mortgage payment. when i was in middle school, the district wanted to redraw the elementary school lines to more evenly space out demographics, and the school geographically closer to me didn’t want kids like me going there. the parents were interviewed for the newspaper and said it in coded language that made me feel like a bug. i didn’t necessarily know it then, but being poor feels visible, unable to be hidden, as does queerness. it’s a stain that everyone must see, even if i am not ready to share it. 

growing up poor and queer and femme felt even more public and embarrassing: it felt like everyone knew that my aeropostale and abercrombie shirts were from goodwill, or borrowed from another’s closet. everyone must have known my juicy couture perfume was the target knock-off version, not the designer brand from the makeup counter at the mall like the other girls. i got my hair highlighted at fantastic sam’s once a year with the coupon that came in the mail. i had acne and free lunch and i liked girls, and every part of me felt disgustingly impossible to hide. maybe this is why i felt less like a girl than the other girls, but i don’t want to equate femininity with wealth or girlhood with beauty, so maybe this is just something i’ll have to chew on.

in my adulthood, i have such love in my platonic friendships and i am so fulfilled by the glorious, thoughtful, intentional people that pepper my life. i would say that, largely because of the people in my chosen family, my baseline approach to life is cheerful, open, adventurous, spontaneous — unless i am feeling overstimulated or fatigued, which can really dysregulate me. i need to have had good sleep, to have been fed. but in general, i think that things will work out for the better. i believe that people are good on the inside. and the majority of people in my life are the same: we love to believe that things are good and wonderful and life is just splendid as it is. we can just sit on the porch and it is enough. sometimes i get away from this natural state of being, as is easy to do in the big city, but i return when i sip red wine and wear a pink lace slip from the silverlake flea market that was far too expensive. 

and in romantic love, i want it to be slow and careful and deep. i want to shuck corn on the porch and laugh until late into the night, my eyelash extensions and gel acrylics from walmart and platform sandals just as queer as anything. i want to be loved reliably and steadily and thoughtfully by one person, who thinks i am the prettiest one in the room. i want our life to be ours, just ours, and also shared with everyone that we love; someone who teaches my impatient heart to sit on the porch longer. i love big and fierce and i never want to fall asleep wondering i’m giving them enough freedom. i want my love to be enough for them, and never too much. 

i have learned a lot from other small-town butches and femmes and queers, or from those who come from even smaller towns — other people who grew up just as poor and as queer as me. it is slow and quiet and there is so much love and value there. we made do with what we had, and it was so hard, but it was okay. i’ve learned a lot about unequivocal support and goodness in everyone, something the big city and leftist politics might not preach. when i hear big-city californians scoff at the politics of places like the midwest or the south, i want to scream that if you have not been there, you do not know the beauty of the way we do community, the way we just keep living and breathing and loving. there are so many good things about being from a small place, and people from places like los angeles will not ever understand. 

i am a small-town femme living a big life in a big city loving in big ways. i don’t ever wanna make myself small for anyone. i don’t ever wanna apologize for my skincare routine and thoughtful, ritualistic way i pick out my clothing most mornings, for the expensive cocktails i want to drink, for the way i feel more at peace next to a standing body of water than the ocean, for pointing out angel numbers on license plates and addresses, for the life i lived before moving that was just as good as it is now. the sweetest loves i have known have been from so many places, none better than the other. i don’t want to hear about how places like the one i’m from couldn’t hold all of me, because the big city doesn’t, either. there are so many parts of me that los angeles just will not see, and there are just as many parts that minnesota will not, either. i am a girl stuck between lots of places and identities, and it’s always felt that way. 

being a midwestern femme in los angeles has me wondering if there is a place for me anywhere, with my braids and thrifted clothing and bottom-shelf champagne and dairy in the fridge, half of my friends vegan and gluten-free and the other half butchering animals in their backyard. i wonder if anyone will ever see all of me, which comes with the myriad of people i love who love me too. i have to believe that there are people like this. i have to believe there are people who want to look at designer things and go home to drink a cheap beer on our porch. i want to eat dinner we prepared together and play music we wrote together. i want my life to continue to be filled with platonic loves and a big romantic love. i cannot do this life alone, and i would never want to. i will continue to be a shining femme, a bright girl, finding laughter and joy in small things, because it is all i have known. i will continue to be a minnesotan femme in los angeles, because i have to. i have to.

It’s a new day for the sun to shine. Wake up, and be free. The day is yours, and the day is mine.

It’s a really great day for the sky to be blue. Look up high! And see the birds soaring too!

On this new day the birds really sing. It’s fun to sing with the birds and hear their songs ringaling.

It’s a new day for the earth to move. It’s amazing how all the people really get into a groove.

On this new day I’ve got two feet on the ground. It’s love that makes the world go around.

It’s a really great day to go out and seize the day. Neighbors wave, and people laugh and play.

It’s a new day to run and skip outside. It’s more wonderful to do this with friends by my side.

On this new day I wear a smile on my face. I do all that I need to do with a heart filled with grace.

Here I go…

Off on another adventure

Down a new road

Starting over, or picking up where I left off

I will go.

Go with the flow

Where this current will take me- I do not know

That’s the beauty in it;

Learning to trust, while I row.

I hate that I love this song, but it really says it best:

“There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb”

Miley Cyrus speaks to me and my feelings and struggles of small business ownership, growing older, not always being on the same path as my peers, and life in general.

On my big trip out west with my mom and sister, my sister and I decided to hike the Manitou Incline.

2,768 steps, all uphill with 2,000 ft elevation gain and a 3-mile hike back down the hill.

Talk about a climb.

This wasn’t just a fun hike for me or a fitness challenge, to me this was personal.

Having an online business, or honestly just being a person with an Instagram we are sucked into seeing not only our friends but what strangers are doing and comparing ourselves with them all day every day.

There are times when Ellery is doing great and I don’t notice the comparison creeping in as much, but when it’s a bit of a business slump, which is inevitable, I feel the comparison in my head start to increase.

It’s when I’m not feeling at the top of my game that I start to question if people are doing better than me and really if there is something I am doing wrong or not enough.

It feels gross to admit those feelings. I would love to be in a place where those thoughts don’t exist but at this moment, they can be present and it’s hard for me to get out of my head sometimes.

In 2019 I took a solo trip with Dagwood to visit my Dad in Manitou Springs, CO, and I remember seeing the Incline and thinking that it seemed impossible. But as impossible as it seemed there was some part of me that felt drawn to it and that I wanted to climb it.

At the time I was incredibly torn on what direction I wanted my life to go. I knew I was ready to move on from my current job, but while I was on this trip I took an interview for another job that I knew I could love but there was part of me that knew I would be putting Ellery on hold.

The other part of me knew that it would be a BIG challenge but I wanted to try my hand at running Ellery full time and really focus on making my dream come true.

When I didn’t get the job that I had interviewed for I took that as my sign that it was time to step up to the challenge of my own Incline, deciding to throw myself into Ellery full-time.

As we all know, 2020 threw all of us into a tailspin. We all faced an insane amount of stress and challenges.

But what I was starting to realize was that after each hurdle I was able to jump over I was still standing. And while it was incredibly hard, the journey that I was on was wildly rewarding.

The hardest part of the journey was embracing the world of Instagram and being online so much.

I was so scared to put myself out there on Instagram. To talk on stories and show my face.

Would I be as engaging as some of the other people I followed?

Would people think I was cheesy or not take me seriously?

As I was questioning how people would view me, I was caught up in watching what other people were doing all the time.  As people were having success and gaining followers I was constantly worried about if Ellery was growing at the same rate and if my shop was cute enough to compete with all the other amazing businesses out there that I was seeing.  We all know that everyone is putting their best foot forward on the gram but it is hard to have that in the front of your mind all the time and I would find myself getting sucked into a comparison spiral.

So when my sister wanted to hike the Manitou Incline, I knew I wanted to do it because of what it represented to me.

When I first saw the Incline in 2019 it felt too hard.

But now from what I learned in the last 3 years was that I am stronger than I think I am.

And the lesson that I needed to learn was that the key to successfully climbing the Incline is that you have to go at your own pace. If you try to keep up with others you will exhaust yourself and there is only one bailout point on the hike.

You have to be ok with someone getting ahead of you, you have to be ok with getting passed. You have to be ok stopping to catch your breath more often than you would like. You can’t let people comment about your shoe choices, or overhear people talk about how hard it is to psych you out. You have to focus on what you can do and if you do that, you can make it.

This hike really personified the struggles of the last couple of years. It showed me the importance of the lesson that the universe keeps trying to teach me: going at your own pace is enough, and the only way to success.

Also having Beyonce in your headphones is always the right decision.

Do you ever struggle with comparison? What’s the lesson the universe is always trying to teach you?

My rage now scorches my soul

Seething, slathering it in undeniable rage

The world swamped with excuses for cruelty seems

               Un-redeemable ,

humanity selling its attention span for

Momentary excursions to post and pretend it was a worthy exchange for fleeting peace, no one rests anymore our souls cry out in the darkness against our pillows ,

             no rest for the wicked ,

                     no rest for the complicit

We will deserve the next disaster even those of us who tried.

Inhumane stupidity will cost us all more than we can afford

and justice will turn to a thing that belongs to fairy tales like hope and kindness.

Familiar in the uncomfortable again.

Time is the enemy here.

Who told you to be adaptable?

Nobody told you that going with the flow makes you crash into rocks?

Drown.

It feels good to not breathe.

Oh I’ve seen this darkness before.

I remember it like the skin on my wrists remember the grip.

Long sleeves are itchy now.

My closet isn’t full though, I refuse to unpack.

I’m going to leave again because I can’t stay here in this snake skin.

I’ve shed and shed but they don’t wither away.

Long sleeves and high collars are itchy now.

But I’ve gotten used to this flow.

If I survived it once, I can do it again.

My 1 year of peace away from the chaos was splendid.

Time is the enemy here.

Why is every second so temporary?

I ask as I slither into my old snake skin, almost as a shield.

Linger. Please happiness, please linger.

I’m sorry for reverting, but I have to survive.

I survive in the familiar, the uncomfortable.

I’ve done it once, I can do it again.

I saw a woman I met in a program I bought post a reel this morning using a trending sound to essentially say she doesn’t talk politics. I immediately wanted to put my palm to my face and shook my head.

I’ve seen this many times or heard many white women make the statement that they don’t get into politics. They say it with this air of superiority and fake politeness because they don’t realize two very important things:

  1. That statement told me everything I need to know about your political beliefs.

Thinking making a statement like “I don’t talk politics” means you’ve avoided discussing politics actually gives you away. It tells me you’re not secure in your beliefs, it tells me you spend little time understanding what’s going on around you because you live a very privileged life and couldn’t care less about what happens to other people. It tells me you don’t even understand what’s affecting you and that leads me to number two….

  1. You have yet to unpack the patriarchal and white supremacist conditioning that has taught you that being apolitical or not discussing politics is a virtue.

It is a passed down idea that we should not speak of politics, that’s unbecoming. Why? We’ve been taught it’s uncomfortable and being in discomfort is not something we white people are used to. We’re not taught to have the mental fortitude or wherewithal to handle it. Men often become violently angry when placed in discomfort and asked to challenge their beliefs whereas women, we cry, break down and look for someone (men) to save us. By now most of us have heard the term white woman tears. Well, this is part of it. We use them as a weapon to show we’ve been hurt and to gain sympathy for the injustice of having to deal with our beliefs.

We are conditioned from a young age to believe that discomfort is bad. We’re taught to smile, be polite, be pleasing, and to see the male figures in our lives as these all-knowing authority figures we should follow. For those of us that reject the idea that men should have more power in the world than us we still don’t reject the idea that men are all-knowing. Not at all because what we do is try to emulate them, especially in business. Seriously, if I hear the phrase boss babe one more time I’ll throw up! It’s disgusting and I hate it because it still plays into this mentality that to be successful, we need to emulate the very toxic practices handed down by white supremacy and patriarchy.  The whole idea of professionalism is based on that and while I could go into it here, that’s a whole other article!

Not discussing politics is an offshoot of what learned growing up. We witnessed our parents do it and yet if you grew up with a father or father figure, I bet you remember at least once when they got enraged by something they saw or read in the news. They went off about it at dinner or at some point in the home but what about when it came to being out in public? Well, they would be quiet, saying they don’t like to get into things like that. Moms or mother figures would become uncomfortable at any bit of discussion, whether it be in or out of the home. My mother who said she was very much a card-carrying democrat still never seemed to discuss politics with my stepdad. Given my mom was a narcissist I don’t have much good from her, but I do remember a few private moments of discussing abortion rights. But in front of him? Nope, I never witnessed those discussions.

My dad who is a pacifist and leans left, more and more so as he’s aged and learned also wouldn’t talk politics. He’s one of those white men who post insurrection felt a shift. He was already left leaning and starting to do some more education on systemic racism. He was always anti-racist, especially given our family history with the holocaust and he’d been involved in protesting since the Kent State Massacre, but he wouldn’t discuss his political views or speak up when his very Trump-leaning friends made ignorant, racist, and bigoted comments. He’d sit quietly while they spouted off before the insurrection. After he just gets up and walks away so there’s still no challenge to the ideas. I asked once why he could still be friends with them which upset him. The response was that he’d been friends with them since college and you can be friends with different views than you and still see the good in them. I wanted to respond with something like “well different views vs racism and bigotry are very different things and by not speaking up you tell them it’s acceptable to say that shit”. But I didn’t, not because I didn’t want to get political. Because I understood what was going on. We were at very different points in our journey and he’s not ready to cross that threshold yet. I, on the other hand, never really understood why you wouldn’t speak up about your beliefs if you actually believe them. I’m that comes from feeling separate and not super connected to my parents fully. With my mom, I didn’t feel connected at all and my dad only somewhat, but I also had some underlying resentment towards him for not protecting me from the abuse I went through as a kid. So, it led to me being more and more open about my beliefs as I grew up and then as I aged.

What I realized about all this though is that the real problem is the beliefs. Those of us that don’t talk or get into politics on some level know our beliefs are socially unacceptable or we don’t wanna rock the boat with family or friends because we fear losing them. I get that, it’s hard to lose connection to others when we are creatures who thrive on connection. But isn’t that all part of the problem? As white people, we see change as a loss, not a gain. We see it as better to stay in our bubble, not make waves, and not challenge our beliefs because going against that means loss. We’ve never experienced loss the same way other groups of people have. We’ve never experienced the loss of rights the way others have (up till roe v wade was overturned), the loss of love for coming out, or the loss of humanity for being differently abled. We’ve never experienced that level of loss and on some level, we see the loss others experience and we want no part of it. What we have yet to fully understand is that if we open ourselves to the loss of beliefs and people who we may love but hold very oppressive beliefs we can influence and create a gain. We can influence the gain of equity for others and create relationships with people who genuinely align and match us.

Yes, this benefits us too, but we’re used to things benefiting us, we’ve just never been taught to consider the possibility of something truly benefiting everyone as a wonderful thing. That’s the whole point of patriarchy and white supremacy, to keep our thinking small and not see the bigger picture or the gain for everyone by challenging those systems. So, when we refuse to get political, we refuse to challenge ourselves to see that maybe, just maybe there’s something better on the other side. That may be better friends, partners, newfound family, careers, ways of living, and thinking on a personal level and on a broader level that would mean more rights, liberties, resources, and freedoms. But none of that is possible till we get over the discomfort and fear of loss and ask the question “what would be gained if I got political and questioned what I’ve been taught?”

We have been fighting against ourselves for so long and as we watch the collapse of systems and ideas there’s one common theme, I see…

A desire to return to who we are and the inherent connection and wisdom we have with nature. Yes, it’s a terrifying time globally, and no I’m not understating that but look at why it’s happening.  People all over the world are resisting the continuation of patriarchal, Christian religious, capitalistic, and white supremacist systems. There’s an itch that’s been bubbling to the surface for many pre-pandemic and post-pandemic, well that itch has gone from mild to unignorable.

We have access to information through technology like never before. You simply need to go on social media to see what life is like for someone a world away, to hear untaught histories and truths by educators and activists. Scientists, doctors, and grassroots organizers are finding other methods of informing us since many government officials and politicians refuse to listen. It’s an age of destruction and rebirth as we watch our younger generations refuse to live inside boxes and call out the harm done and passed down through generations. They refuse to deny themselves their full lived experiences, and their full sexual exploration and they are largely unafraid of pointing out where we need to deconstruct our own beliefs and ways of living.

It’s a mix of beautiful chaos and devastating collateral damage as we witness the blatant attack on black and indigenous folks, all melanated folk, to be honest, women, trans, and non-binary humans, and let’s not forget the overall attack on mama earth, whom we’re meant to be protectors and stewards of. The very place we were born to that has provided us with abundance and has only asked that in return we honor it, treat it as sacred along with all its beings we try to claim ownership of and use to justify the collateral damage.

This all comes as more and more souls on this earth are questioning everything they’ve been taught and finding a deep call to heal. I’m a generational liberation coach and my work centers around matrilineal line trauma along with the effects of learning sexual shame. I’m also a practicing witch. I cannot even begin to explain how many inquiries I’ve had in the last month alone for my work. I predicted this and while I’d be much happier not to be of such great need, I’m happy to be here as a healer and facilitator of people reconnecting to their internal wisdom and the wisdom of mama earth.

At this point, you may be thinking I’m just another woo-woo white chick talking about drum circles and whatever else you perceive as a white woman witch so let’s define what I mean when I say I’m a practicing witch and how that applies to the destruction and rebirth I discussed above.

What are witches? Well historically they were Jewish or heretics charged with going against the Christian church. Yep, most of your European witch trials were built on antisemitism. With that, it was also about trying to eradicate pagan practices and ensure everyone falls in line (we’ve seen this many times throughout history). One of my ancestors was a Salem Witch Trial victim and a few more came from the European trials. But what were these witches exactly? They were midwives, healers, herbalists, and spiritual leaders within their communities. They were often educated and practiced medicine, taught, healed, and were very much in touch with the natural world.

That’s a very dangerous thing to allow to go unchecked if you desire to limit power. If an entire community doesn’t need to worship at the altar of a pope, politician, or tyrant that makes it especially hard for the said pope, politician, or tyrant to take control of them. If said people live in connection with one another and the earth, learning from it and free of messages of shame and lack of one person over another they don’t need you. Pretty good reason to try wiping out practices that go against the beliefs you’re trying to impose, and the communities of people attached to said practices.

This has happened for centuries, and we’ve built an entire world full of people who live with sexual shame, deep-seated generational and religious trauma, disconnected from their culture and its practices, and in fear of anything different from them. It’s why when you see another white woman calling herself a witch you cringe a little because you immediately think of a woman culturally appropriating all the things. She’s lives, laugh, and loving her day away doing yoga, with her yoni egg, doing sex magic while burning white sage, and being surrounded by decorative statues of Lakshmi and Buddha. You can see it right? We do that 1. Because we’ve been taught, that we’re entitled to cherry-pick and whitewash parts of culture, and 2. Because we have no idea what our cultural practices are because the hydra that is the patriarchy, Christianity, and white supremacy wanted them wiped out so we’re reliant on their word.

So, fuck yes to witchcraft as in the practice based on being in connection with the earth and discovering your roots, your ancestral practices, and coming home to your body, self, and the global community. Fuck yes, to witchcraft that is based on healing the generational trauma to unpack the sexual shame, religious conditioning, patriarchal conditional, and divesting from white supremacy. That’s my kind of craft and that craft includes getting into connection with my natural cycle as a uterus owner, seeing my body and sexuality as powerful, and asking myself how I can honor mama earth today.

My craft includes supporting science and medicine but asks it to work with nature and be equitable and holistic. My craft isn’t a this or that practice. That’s some messaging from the hydra. You can honor nature, and ask for medicine, science, and technology to honor nature. You can trust a vaccine designed to protect the greater good because you understand those seen as disabled will be most impacted by its spread and still demand acknowledgment and change for all the harm done within modern gynecology and the ways reproductive care has been grossly damaging to black and indigenous uterus owners.

The coming back into practice with our ancestral “magic” isn’t just about protection spells, self-love baths, and money magic although all these practices are beautiful, and I do them. No, it’s also about healing, deconstructing, and rebirthing in alignment with mama earth and all her beings. So mote it!

This is an incredibly hard question but if we are allowed to throw our hat in the ring we would say that would be the ability to acquire new knowledge.

Granted, some people will try to make a case for some soft skills like endurance, tenacity, and leadership qualities. But, as commendable as these traits might be, we have to admit we are living in a world that is evolving at a rapid pace. In a situation like this, isn’t the ability to keep up with the pace and leverage the benefit of formal education in your back pocket the single most valuable asset you can rely upon?

Let us break down this interesting topic in greater detail.

Establishing professional credentials

In the world of business, the professionals are assessed by the quality of work they manage to put out. But, even with things as they are, no one can deny that no matter whether you are just starting out or you have spent years in the industry, formal education can do nothing but boost the credibility you have in professional circles. We can apply this claim to a whole array of situations that make a critical part of corporate life ranging from pitching the business idea to closing negotiation. A person that has put enough effort into education and self-improvement always makes a more commendable impression.

Networking opportunities

Entrepreneurship and business word, in general, are built on networking. These acquaintances can be used for getting access to more favorable deals, forging lucrative partnerships, earning favors with the larger corporate entities, or in countless other critical situations. Well, keeping that in mind it is good to know that universities, schools, courses, and other instances where young professionals can earn their credentials make incredibly fertile soil for forging these professional relationships. So, the time spent on acquiring professional skills can, at the same time, be spent on establishing your professional brand.

Access to streamlined and systemized knowledge

Human beings have an endless capacity to acquire new knowledge and skills. But much like in any other field of human activity, this one doesn’t rely entirely on the end result but also on how fast and efficiently you are able to get to the finish line. And, it should be obvious that formal education has found a way to make this pursuit of knowledge as streamlined as possible. For instance, if you are studying in the UK, you can simply check the University of Manchester projects database and find the materials you need to easily get through the curriculum. Doing all these things off the grid only wastes valuable time and resources.

Improved productivity

No educational institution can make you prepared for all the challenges that will await you once you start making your career as an entrepreneur. But, the skills you acquire will definitely allow you to face these obstacles with greater speed, efficiency, and confidence which can have a tremendous impact on your overall productivity. This is a great asset since, as we mentioned in the introduction, the present-day business world is incredibly hectic, relentless, and in most cases requires split-second reactions. The ability to do more with less time and make informed decisions is surely one of the ways out of this maze.

Developing valuable soft skills

So yeah, we can’t go around the fact that your ability to deal with different personal and professional challenges is just as critical for your career as an entrepreneur as any kind of knowledge about the field of work you have chosen to tackle. Here, formal education gets undeserved flak as a system that is spoonfeeding you with knowledge that has no real-life value. But education does build you into a stronger and more confident person and, through valuable challenges, encourages your tenacity, work habits, negotiation skills, critical thinking, and all other skills you will use over the course of your career.

Learning how to learn

Last but not least, we have to quickly cover one of the less talked about but at the same time one of the valuable skills you will get by enrolling in some kind of course where you will get an opportunity to work with professional educators and systemized curriculums. To put it simply, formal education gives you the tools you can use to acquire new knowledge in the most optimized manner and develops the habit of doing that on a daily basis. Once you master these valuable learning and time-management techniques you will be able to apply them to all problems waiting for you ahead. These skills are nothing short of priceless.

So, we hope this short breakdown gave you a general idea about just how valuable education can be for your career as an entrepreneur both in terms of the business-specific knowledge you can get there and the valuable skills you can pick up along the way. But, if there is a single benefit we can take out of this discussion that would be the ability to adapt and face new challenges with confidence and curiosity. This perk alone can completely change your career and launch you right into the stratosphere. 

The Reality of Being a Woman In Mexico

By: Vania Vela


At this point, getting home alive is a miracle. 

Mexico is a country where leaving your home means you may never return. A country where your testimony is silenced and ignored. One where victims never receive justice. 

The government does nothing. Victims are blamed, their crimes marked as “accidents.” How can I live peacefully knowing that if I am killed, it will be marked as suicide on the death certificate?

I can’t go out on the streets without the fear of being kidnapped and raped. It is terrifying to be home alone at the thought of someone coming in and killing me in my own room. At this point I am not living, I am merely surviving. 

It hurts to live in Mexico. It’s waking up and seeing your social media filled with pictures of missing or murdered women. It’s knowing that today it was a stranger, but the next day it could be your loved one or even yourself. 

Living in Mexico is texting “I’m home” to your family and friends. It’s being followed through the streets, cars driving around again and again where you walk, praying that it’s just a coincidence. 

Living in Mexico is blaming the clothes, the time and the place, denying justice to the victims. It’s us who are to blame and not the killer. It’s to feel a hand inside your dress and say nothing, because who would believe you?

Living in Mexico is feeling watched all the time. It’s to turn around at the slightest sound of footsteps for fear that they are coming after you. It’s to take a picture of what you are wearing in case you need to be identified. It’s sharing your location every time you go out, even if it’s just around the corner.

Living in Mexico is being constantly afraid of being next and knowing you won’t be the last. 

Everyone breaks me because everyone can. I wear my heart on my sleeves so everyone can see, I have nothing to hide but I should, I guess. I should build a wall or list out my expectations in love, relationships and friendships then stand by them but I really don’t know how to. This is who I am and this is how I love. You never have to be deserving, there is no being worthy of my love. I give it to anyone who presents themselves as needy of my affection, to anyone who shows me the slightest bit of kindness and then I feel like I owe them my own and for their momentary refuge I offer a lifetime’s haven. I love and love and give and give simply because it is my nature to be lover and giver. I displace myself to put them on, finding my own happiness in theirs. This is my virtue or maybe it is  my flaw.

I am radical in love, ignoring red flags or cautionary words from onlookers, I never know when to draw the line, I constantly lose myself to accommodate the object of my love. When wronged ,I look to moments when they had made even the most miniature gestures of goodness, I make excuses for them over and over. I fictionalize in me that somehow they would change seeing how real my love is or how much I would give to make them comfortable but there are bad people who have mortgaged conscience for self gain, they keep you there because you attend to their distress calls, I overlook all this when I dive in love. This is what love should be right? Or maybe not, love is a game and it’s dynamics state that if there was no tussle then there is no value, who wants an easy win after all?a harder win makes the game worth your time. For them love is a game, they make me out to be easy and go for bigger fish. Hence this is my flaw and here is my downfall.

Hi, my name is Nataly Marie Feliciano; sometimes I am referred to as Nati Feliciano-Soto, Nati, or Nataly. I am a 19-year-old Latinx (Puerto Rican) American from Richmond, Virginia. I am currently attending Brightpoint community college majoring in visual arts, and film specialization; to transfer to VCU to major in cinema and either minor in mass communications or creative writing. As a second-generation college student, I am following in the primary footsteps of my mother, who was the first in her family to attend and graduate from college (with a master’s degree). My mother was a young, Latina trailblazer who came from the projects of Waterbury, and she was raised in a broken home with her other 5 siblings. Her goals and animations ultimately motivated her to become an ESL teacher in Virginia. She achieved her dream of helping 1st or 2nd generations, like herself, learn English and make an example of themselves in this country (a hub of opportunities). So, due to having big shoes; all the pressure landed on me (the youngest of my family) or should I say the princess of the family.

I mean for god’s sake, I whined and cried to have the limited-edition Dora’s kitchen back in 08’ (during the Great Recession) so much that I made my dad drive all the way to New Jersey to finally find one. I only played with the playset for not even 6 months. I was quite the devil-child back in the day. Although my mother and I come from completely different childhoods, we do share some similar experiences. For example, my mother and I are both victims of bullying and emotional pain from trauma. Except, my challenges had a unique twist…I was bullied due to having a horrid stutter and toe-walking disorder. Even my own teachers wanted me placed into special ed classes; on the basis that I was ‘’too stupid and slow’’ to do their work rather than encourage me to do better like my peers. 

However, through the negative experiences of my childhood, I gained two special gifts. The first gift is the lifelong friendship and support from my mother. She would go as far as to fight for my academic rights on the table in front of the whole school’s administration team all the way to help me with the financial struggles of college. The second gift, which is something I hold very precious, is my wild imagination, which I’ve used to create my own worlds and story; without any criticisms of myself or of the characters. Now throughout my adult years, I developed high social anxiety due to all the bullying, to the point where even doing simple social things made me uncomfortable and scared that I will be called out by stutter. 

Nevertheless, thanks to the world I created and the characters I have written over the year in my head; my stories have become a personal outlet for me. Now it has also become a primary result of the life-changing cause and effect era in my life. When I was 14 years old after spending a dreadful and traumatic year living in Lakeland, Florida; where the only positive experience I had was visiting universal 14 times over until I knew the guy who played Homer Simpson by name. My mother brought me a book by one of my favorite WWE superstars, called “Crazy is My Superpower” by AJ Mendez who played AJ Lee. She inspired me to turn all the doubts, fears and challenges that I would incorporate into my stories (even now), into my seeking a positive as I would turn these stories I had in my head into my future career and life purpose. Therefore, I present myself as a young woman who is seeking a dream, and not just any dream. A dream filled with chapters and storylines visioned throughout the years that I will work hard to become a reality. 

My dream is to become a blockbuster film producer, an Oscar-award-winning film director, a talented actress, and a successful screenwriter. My dream is to tell my story from the big pages of hardcover books to the big screen. With that being said, I am very motivated and confident in the sacrifices I am already making to make my dreams come true. Just like my mother, I was taught to work hard, be humble, and be ready for many doors to close yet many to open. I always remind myself to not let even the most surreal life circumstances stop me from reaching my goals. A 1st generation student who became a wife and mother while being buried with debt and discrimination raised a strong, unbreakable, spoiled yet humble go-getter woman with a creative mind. That spontaneous princess is me, along with many manuscripts ready to be proposed to whoever gives her a chance to display her talents.

Which is why, if it wasn’t for AJ Lee, my personal traumatic experiences, the bullying I endured all throughout school, for Becky G being vibrant about her Latina culture to a 9 year old Natí who got stuck listening to YT artists to try to fit in or for Selena Gomez playing that one Latina character (Alex Russo) I held so gracefully on a piece of fresh representation for. Little would I have known that I am Nataly (Nati) Marie Feliciano, a girl of many different roles. A 19-year-old Latinx (Puerto Rican) woman, a spoiled rotten but humbled little sister, a princess daughter, a college student, a dog mom to my 9-year-old jobless German shepherd, an awesome girlfriend, an encouraging friend, and a girl with big dreams ahead of her. Now it might take a few months for Hollywood to call me back, okay maybe a few years or decades. It doesn’t change the fact that no matter how long it takes for me to get to the stop. I won’t stop, even if I still have big shoes to fill while starting from the bottom at community college. 

I couldn’t afford to go to a big-league school like NYU or Full Sail University and my social anxiety makes me such at a making connections. But this caterpillar eyebrowed, lion-mane haired, super short (having to use a pillow to prop me up to drive), anime/sitcom lover will make the most of her opportunities and she won’t quit until The Flores Twins: Roselena and Veronica Flores-Garica, Yarliz de la Rosa, Aliana Torres, Sapphire Flores, Antonia Olivera, Genesis Girlado, Victoria Diaz, Florence Santiago, Ximena Sanchez, Belicias Del Mar, or AJ Santiago’s face is known! My vision is to one day have my characters and my story take over the world like freakin’ Pokemon! In which, I promise to make every single one of my supporters from the start to the finish of my journey involved, appreciated, and most importantly, proud!

It was sometime in 1985. I was a 28 year-old working for the Feds at JFK Airport in New York City. My work had me traveling to Washington DC several times throughout the year. My lodging of choice was the Marbury Hotel at the edge of Georgetown.  My nightly routine was dinner then flirting with the bartenders at my favorite Georgetown haunts. My trips were often accompanied by a few other coworkers. This time I was there on my own. I walked back to my hotel each night always with a cigarette in hand. I smoked in those days- a lot.

On my second night there, I saw a man sitting in an alcove in front of the door of a closed office building.  He was tall. I could see that even as he sat on that small concrete step.  He had jet black, unruly hair, although the word becomes “unkept” when not applied in the civilized halls of polite society.  His long black coat, while not in tatters, was clearly the garb of one without a home. He had the bluest eyes.  He appeared to be in his mid-thirties.  He was there again the next night. This time he pointed to my cigarette and nodded the question, “Do you have an extra one”.  I smoked Marlboros at the time.  I gave him one along with a light and went on my way.  On the third night. I stood and talked a few minutes.  I had so many questions for him. He intrigued me. He had not the trappings of the usual bum on the street bumming a smoke. Beneath the grime and grit of his clothes and hands, there seemed a veneer of better times. I dislike unasked questions and so I asked.  What was he doing out here? He left his corporate life for good, he said. He hated it and what it had become.  I didn’t ask if it was by his own accord or with an unwelcomed escort.

In those years after Mr. Reagan took office, one of the calamitous effects of the stroke of the Executive Order pen was to reduce the beds in this country for the mentally ill from 6 million to 600,000. It was the days of the homeless pouring into the streets and under the overpasses of highways and byways all over this country. Times Square became a mecca for it and so had Washington DC.  Yet, to this naïve young mind, this man didn’t seem to fit that bill of mental incapacity at all. I continued this nightly routine. When he asked for the cigarette, I now found it my license to sit and ask more questions.  How does he survive this way? How do even the basic tenets of privileged hygiene occur?  I wish I could recall the answers.  But I do remember we got to know each other in those brief visits each night.   I liked him.  He seemed to like me.

It was late fall.  The air was getting chillier.  On about the seventh night, I asked him a question that didn’t even seem to be coming from my conscience mind.  It was accompanied by a voice that said, “Are you insane?”  It was cold. I could not fathom a night out here on that stoop for him.  I asked if he would like to come back to the Marbury Hotel.  At first, he was even more stunned than I was by the question.  He then smiled and said yes.  I was glad. I regaled him with tales of a lovely shower. We walked to the hotel. I averted the eyes of the bellman and the concierge.  I did not want any questions I had no answers for.  We went up to the room. We talked more hesitantly now without the ease of sitting side by side on our little stoop.  I was nervous in a way that would never make me bolt for the door, though.  He took a shower. He had a bag and changed his clothes. He washed his socks and underwear in the sink and draped them carefully across the chair to dry. I remember he had pajamas in that bag. I remember thinking how odd a thing to pack in a survival bag fit for sleeping on the streets. It made me realize his time outside could not have been that long. It seemed he packed as any traveling businessman would do, even if there was no destination waiting for him.

We turned off the lights. He went to sleep.  My brain lingered awhile in delight that he would not be sleeping on the cold cement at least for tonight. I can’t say my pride did not surface at having engineered this situation.  The thoughts of being killed in my hotel room by a perfect stranger were gone, fleeting as they were.  I felt I had gotten to know this man’s integrity, if not his whole story, in our nightly conversations.   I began to think about what we would have for breakfast and for ways to help him get back into the society he so thoroughly shunned.  I finally fell asleep. He must have read my mind in his dreams.  When I awoke the next morning, he was gone.  I was sad and confused and didn’t quite understand how one could walk away from all the trappings of what I came to find was quite a comfortable life somewhere in Connecticut.   I went to work quite unsettled. I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could go back to the alcove and find him.  I went to dinner as usual.  He was never there when I walked up the street, only upon my return.   I cut my barfly time short and walked back towards the Marbury and he wasn’t there.  I never saw him again, but he has stayed with me for almost forty years now.

A great experience was our family trip across the USA. I was in third grade. That was when my love for travel was born.

Many memories were created in that 1969 blue Pontiac. Dad drove us to destinations including Yellowstone Park in Wyoming, Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota, and Reno in Nevada.

It expanded my horizon of all there is to see and do. Geysers, twinkling lights, music, swimming, dining, and exploring ignited excitement in me.

Dad said I could do anything I put my mind to. There were many highways and detours in my life since that trip out West.

Despite the highways that ended in divorce for my parents and eventually for me, I discovered newfound hope and destinations.

The greatest discovery was who I am. I wrote a book about it called The LORI Factor. I inspire and encourage others to live the life they were born to live. Some people call me the Queen of Hope.

Harness hope. Without hope, we perish. Where have you been or where do you want to go? What is your dream vacation? Now that the world is opening up again, the possibilities are endless.

Riviera Maya in Mexico was fun. I slipped onto the pool deck and called that moment, Slip, Slide, and Olé.

Whether it’s in my own backyard, on a road trip, or flying on a plane, I share my stories and travels. That’s when the creation of Lori’s Stories By the Water was born.

Water, boats, and beaches are my favorites.

What makes travel even better is traveling with those you love. Start with loving yourself. Travel solo or with family and friends. Create memories that will last a lifetime.

Tell me about your hopes and dreams.

Finding the most consistent someone for your innocent heart is no walk in the park, and we get that! Sometimes, a relationship may start feeling like a game to your inattentive boyfriend, and you begin to doubt if he really deserves you. 

You can learn if he’s unappreciative when you go through this:

These stances don’t mean you are unworthy of love or unfortunate; they just point out you’re with the wrong boy. 

Love doesn’t require conditions to be met when it’s real. It just flows through two souls and unites them into one, forming an unbreakable bond. Remember, this only happens when both souls have equal love, respect, mutual understanding, and infinite chemistry for each other! 

So if you’re going through a relationship that doesn’t feel like two worlds swiftly and softly colliding into each other, there’s a lot more exploring left, girl. 

Soon we’ll present 20+ signs he doesn’t deserve you, but before that, you need to learn what factors make a healthy romantic relationship. 

What makes your relationship a love fireball? 

We know when it comes to love, romantic chemistry is one significant factor you want to weigh, but it’s not all you should. Chemistry and love are inevitably crucial in any romantic relationship, but there’s more you need, like respect, loyalty, constant effort, and efficient communication. 

It’s also essential to be compatible with your partner and have the same principles or values regarding your relationship. The ability to be mature and openly communicate is a giant green flag in any relationship.

Your intimate feelings may often make you feel like they’re worth sticking around for. However, you should actually seek compatibility when finding yourself a lover. 

To help you find out if he’s the wrong catch, we’ve curated a list of 23 signs he doesn’t deserve you (because let’s be honest, if you’re here reading this article, wondering if he really does deserve you, chances are, he doesn’t!):

1. Lack of Equal Efforts 

If you’re always the only one putting effort into this relationship, it’s time to say ‘goodbye‘ to him! Whether it is making plans, calling/texting first, or coming forward to fix an issue, if he doesn’t seem to be returning the effort, he doesn’t deserve you.

Healthy relationships only blossom when two people are equally interested in each other and push mutual efforts to make the relationship work. If you feel like he’s only putting in minimal action, just enough to ensure you’re rolled around his fingers, it’s a sign he doesn’t deserve you. 

2. He’s always selfish. 

Do you remember yelling ‘Everything’s about you!‘ right at him? Does he place his feelings and himself above you, where you feel smaller and weak? 

We won’t say it’s selfish to put yourself first sometimes. However, constantly trying to feel superior in a relationship is the most wrong he can do as your partner.  

guy always thinking about himself

When stuck in uninvited circumstances, he should be willing to make just as many sacrifices and compromises as you do. Considering your partner’s feelings and values at an equal level is part of a loving relationship. If he fails to do that, he doesn’t deserve you. 

Always remember, a loving boyfriend will put as much effort as required to make a relationship work without ever keeping a count or expectations for return. 

He will love you like the most precious thing in this world, and you’d be overwhelmed to shower back immense love on him. You should expect this when looking for a boyfriend to spend your special and extraordinary life with! 

3. You feel like you can’t be your authentic self around him. 

You may often find yourself trying to pretend to be a different person just because he likes you that way. You dress as per his taste, style your hair the way he likes, and even say only what he wants to hear. 

While it’s fun to excite your boyfriend by occasionally doing everything he fancies, you should never lose sight of who you really are. For a healthy relationship, it’s important that he loves you, knowing your genuine personality. 

If you feel like you cannot be your real self around him, he may be another waste of your precious time. When you’re in a relationship with someone, they expand the space for you to grow and learn while being yourself. They accept your flaws and shortcomings and help you become a better version of yourself. 

But if he’s making you change for the worse or as per his appetites, it’s a red flag. On the other hand, if it’s undoubtedly for the better, let’s just say ‘the only constant in life is change’ and modifying for the better is not such a bad thing after all. 

4. He triggers your insecurities on purpose. 

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, your partner probably knows about your insecurities and flaws. If he makes you feel worse about them, you should not be in a relationship with him. 

If you’re insecure about something and he brings it up in arguments and tries to trigger your emotions, you’re dating a toxic boy. On the contrary, if he helps you understand yourself better and work on yourself, he’s a keeper! 

5. You find yourself defending his actions. 

Often when we’re stuck in a toxic cycle, we fail to realize it until it’s too late. You must know that actions will tell you more than his words ever would. 

If you defend his damaging and hostile actions to the people who care about you (for instance, your friends or family), he’s not worthy of your love. Someone who prioritizes you will ensure he puts in the effort to show pure love, care, and respect. 

If your friends and family are concerned about the damage he’s inflicting on you (which you may overlook), trust them because he’ll only cause more emotional or physical hurt in the future. 

Instead, you can spend this time working on your mind and sensitive heart, which will eventually attract a genuinely deserving person. 

6. You don’t feel loved enough. 

As cliche as it sounds—when something isn’t right, you’ll know it in your heart and guts. So if you constantly feel a lack of love in your bond, you should talk to your boyfriend about it. 

Learning about a partner’s love language is essential to reassure their feelings and unlock millions of butterflies in their stomach. Your partner should always feel secure and loved in a relationship with you. 

It’s not your obligation to ensure they’re feeling secure, but you need to take responsibility for their heart and help them know they are loved. A little reassurance goes a long way, and if he’s not giving you that, it’s probably because he doesn’t deserve you. 

7. He’s never present. 

When you’re out with him or even just talking on a call, does he seem to be mentally absent all the time? Does he show zero attention towards your conversations? If yes, we hate to say it, but it’s likely because he’s not interested in your beautiful personality. 

guy being distracted with girl being annoyed

Showing low signs of interest is a red flag in any relationship, and he knows that. If he continues to be mentally absent for the most part, even after you’ve clearly conveyed it to him, he doesn’t deserve you. 

You must find a lover who drowns looking in your eyes when you talk, and your every word melts their heart! 

8. He doesn’t talk about the future. 

It’s a thing with all of us who’re in love—we absolutely adore chit-chatting about the future even when we’re not sure what it holds. 

Are you always very excited to talk about your future with him? You bring up discussions like the kind of house you’ll share or where you’ll get married, but he couldn’t care less. If you see this sign, save yourself some heartache and dump him. 

If he doesn’t see a future with you or talk about it, it could mean that he’s not as committed as you are to this relationship. However, this sign could also depend on how serious or long-term the connection has been. 

If it’s been years and he still avoids discussing a future with you, it could mean he’s not ready to commit to you fully. 

9. He views communication as complaining. 

It is normal for couples to fall into arguments or have conflicts of opinions. However, what is not normal is your partner making you feel guilty for communicating your needs. 

A healthy relationship is built on open communication. Even mountain-size arguments can dissolve when partners communicate efficiently with each other. 

If you’re dating someone, he must be mature enough to understand the difference between communication and conflict. When you’re trying to communicate, he must be willing to listen, understand and work on the issue with you. 

At all times during a disagreement in the relationship, he must remember that it’s you and him vs. the problem and not you vs. him. 

10. He’s still not over his ex. 

Whether it’s him bringing her up during conversations or sneakingly texting her, if he’s not over his ex yet, don’t date him! 

guy thinking while sitting down on a red couch

If his ex is still clouding all over his mind, chances are he might use you as a rebound or merely fool around with you to forget her. If this is his intention, it will cost you a lot of emotional damage. 

This is more likely if he has jumped into a relationship with you right after breaking up with his ex. He didn’t use enough time to move on and might still be attached to her in many ways. Trust me; you don’t want to be with an unsure man like this. 

In frequent such cases, he might be willing to remove his ex entirely from his life, and this article can help achieve that—How to stop romanticizing your ex? 

11. He makes you feel inferior. 

He always seems to have a problem with the way you dress or the way you talk. He makes you feel like you’re inferior to him in class or status and even insults you. 

If he calls you an embarrassment or refuses to claim you as his partner in public, these could all be ways of making you feel inferior. When this happens, you might lose self-confidence and even feel ‘not good enough‘ for him. 

It’s important to know that this is not your fault, and it’s him that doesn’t deserve you. You do not need to fake your personality or change in ways for him to accept you. You deserve unconditional love the way you are! 

12. He has cheated on you in the past. 

Partners often accept their significant others back even after they have cheated on them, but second chances may not necessarily be good. When someone cheats on you, it’s because they don’t respect the relationship and value desires over feelings. 

guy checking his phone while being asleep next to his girlfriend

Cheating is widespread nowadays; however, you must remember that if your man has cheated on you in the past, he doesn’t deserve a spot in your life anymore. 

A person who genuinely cares about your heart will never attempt an action that breaks it. Wait for this person. 

13. He ghosts you from time to time. 

Ghosting is also fairly common in this age and time, especially if you’re in an online relationship. Ghosting is the act of maintaining no contact or, in other terms, ‘going ghost‘ on your partner. 

When someone ghosts you, they leave you feeling like you’re asking too much of them. The way he is ghosting you from time to time signifies commitment issues, and if he has trouble devoting to the connection now, who’s to say what the relationship’s future will be like?

14. He belittles you in front of his friends. 

Most people hold their friends in high regard, and he probably does too. When it comes to ‘boys‘ nights and meeting with his friends, it’s like you don’t even exist. 

He doesn’t ask you out along and doesn’t care enough to introduce you as his beautiful girlfriend. 

We understand that having a sense of individuality is important in any relationship. But we’re referring to him talking badly about you to his friends and making you feel like the ‘lesser‘ person in the relationship. If he continuously belittles you, he clearly has no respect for you and doesn’t deserve a queen. 

15. He leaves you hanging. 

What we mean by this is that he makes you question where you stand in his life. He’s not clarifying where you rank on his list of priorities, and you’re constantly confused if you matter to him. 

If he’s doing this, he probably is confused about you too, and girl, we don’t need a man like that in our lives now, do we?

16. He lies!

Someone that loves you will have the guts to speak the truth, no matter how hurtful it may be. If there have been multiple times where you’ve caught him in a lie, and he refuses to accept it, it’s a dating red flag. 

When he’s lying to you, it means he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth. Being truthful to each other forms the base of a healthy relationship, and if you want to be in a long-term relationship with a man, we suggest you pick one that doesn’t constantly use a lie-lie tongue. 

17. He’s insecure and angry at all times. 

If you find yourself walking on wires regarding what you say in front of him, he’s not the right one. You deserve to love a boy who’s confident in himself and doesn’t get insecure about ordinary things. 

Does he get insecure and jealous of your guy friends, even after you have told him multiple times that he shouldn’t worry about them? If he gets angry and violent—waste no time and walk away for your own sake. 

18. You don’t feel safe in his company. 

When you’re in a relationship with the right person, you allow yourself to feel comfortable and be your genuine self. They ensure that you feel safe and secure with them, no matter where you go. 

So if you don’t feel unassailable in your current boyfriend’s company, you probably shouldn’t force it. Feeling comfortable comes naturally when you stay with someone you trust. You’ll automatically be ready to walk beside him on a dark road at 2 AM if you feel safe with him. 

However, if you’re struggling to be comfortable in his presence, you can’t take the relationship ahead, physically or emotionally. When you think something’s off, don’t ignore the signs. 

19. He expects your life to revolve around him. 

Do you continuously feel the need to keep your boy’s feelings in mind in everything you do? This could even mean you care about his heart at the cost of your own feelings and mental health. 

If all your life goals and plans are adjusted to accommodate him and his needs, you need to back off for a minute and rethink your relationship. No matter what happens, one must understand that decisions in every relationship are required to be mutual and not one-sided. 

How to know if you are giving him great authority over your life? 

For instance, you got a scholarship to an incredible college, but he makes you pick a college close to his hometown. Another example—you are going on a family vacation, and he argues with you, saying, “Are you really going to leave me alone here?” 

Trust me; if he’s expecting your life to revolve around him, he’s not the right person for you. He’s no superstar who deserves your life to be entirely poured out on him; you’re the only superstar here! 

20. He’s manipulative 

Being manipulative means he twists words to get you into doing or thinking whatever he wants. When you open up about something triggering you, he might take it negatively and make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings. 

Somehow you always do what he wants, even if you may not want to. This could be a sign he’s manipulative. 

girl with hands being manipulative

21. He gaslights you 

Gaslighting is a psychological term that means emotionally manipulating someone to question their own sanity and self-worth. The best way to find out if your boyfriend is a gaslighter is by observing the count of self mistakes they blame on you and how much they distort reality to get out of tricky situations. 

For instance, he may say things like, 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes long-term damage to the victim’s thinking patterns and mindset. 

So if you’re dating someone who regularly tries to put you behind bars in all debates, save yourself ASAP! Being with a toxic person is sailing on a boat with no steering; you may never be able to haul it through thunderstorms! 

22. He projects his feelings and insecurities on you.

If he’s insecure and toxic, he might project his feelings on you. This could mean he accuses you of lying, cheating, disloyalty, and whatnot!  

People project their own thoughts and feelings onto someone else as a coping mechanism. For instance, if he’s self-critical, he may go ahead and criticize you. If he’s insecure, he may frequently convey that he feels like you’re cheating under daily-life events. 

In case he isn’t mature enough to listen to you or understand your heart, he is definitely not someone that deserves you. 

23. You feel like you deserve better 

There is no better sign than your own gut. When your mind, heart, body, soul, and every part of you silently scream that you deserve better, believe it. It’s not wrong to ask for what you desire in a relationship; don’t let him make you doubt your self-worth. 

If you’ve been thinking about breaking up and ending things for a while because all such signs are telling you ‘you deserve better,‘ you really do. 

In Conclusion 

Ending things with someone you love might seem like a tough decision to make, but it will set your soul free in the long run. When you think you deserve better, it’s because you know you do. 

Work on yourself while you wait for your soulmate to find you; you don’t always have to be searching. Never let anyone make you question your worth. The right partner will bring you just the kind of love you deserve. 

You must accept your genuine self to know your own worth. When you are confident about who you are, you will surely attract a partner who gives you just the right amount of time and effort. Moreover, he will reciprocate your intense feelings. 

Always remember to teach your partner how to treat you. Never accept less than you deserve and never settle! 

Don’t accept someone who makes you question your confidence and creates self-doubt. You deserve to be with a lover who makes you happy, safe, and comfortable. Someone who allows you the space to grow and become the best version of yourself while helping you with the journey hand-in-hand. 

If you think you can find better, take the leap and go do it, girl. After all, you know what they say ‘If you never shoot, you’ll never know!’